Posted by
Claire
19 yrs ago
I've knows friends who are ready to move in with their boyfriends by the third date. I've also had a friend who kept her flat till after the honeymoon.
There seems to be a little confusion. You mention you don't care about marriage but would require it before living together. Which would it be?
A great resource for living together is:
http://www.advicenow.org.uk/go/livingtogether/index.html
It has advice on the cold, hard facts of living together. Although it is meant for England it provides useful information on things to consider such as wills, housing, money, kids and about drawing up a Living Together Agreement.
A Living Together Agreement might address some of your concerns while letting your bf appreciate what your concerns are, so you have to let mw know what they are.
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I've been with my BF for 6 yrs. Marriage is something that will happen soon (But I think i'm still young, so we r still waiting). He moved in with me about 6-7 months. It's hard coz we both have different thoughts, but it's a good time to get use to each other.
Although we've been together for 6 years, things are not the same once u live together. U will know the more about him, the REAL him. U might not like it, but if no one can be exactly the same. If both are exactly the same then why you need him??
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I hate to say this, but once you actually do start living together, not only you, but he too might have second thoughts. You never truly know someone until you live with them.
Also, living together now, might just save a messy divorce later after you are married. Then you will have more to lose and maybe a kid too. Better to find out one way or the other now.....
Write down all the arguments for living together and then write down all the arguments against it. Then mark them each out of 10 and see which side wins.
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a couple of weeks after i met my then-boyfriend, he gave me his keys and i sort of never left - there was never any official agreement/asking/moving in. toilet seats/messiness disagreements aside, five years down the road, we've been married for almost one with a 3 month old baby. like chiki and cara said, you got to trust your instincts. if you have so many doubts now, you're probably not ready yet. do it only when you are!
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hkkm
19 yrs ago
If you think living together will kill your relationship, how are you going to live together after you're married? How can you say 'what is the plus about living together' - if it's not obvious then you're definitely not ready! It's the same positives as getting married, only with less hassle if you break up.
My husband and I lived together for about 4 years before we got married. We only got married because we moved to HK, otherwise we probably wouldn't have bothered. Apart from working out legal issues (or for religious reasons), I can't see any reason why people wouldn't want to live together before getting married. It gives you a chance to work out all those things that can be relationship killers, like who does all the housework, who pays the bills, relative tidiness levels, etc.
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Hi 'insane', I think you are freaking out about the idea of living together because you don't want to lose your freedom. When you move in together just make sure that your b/f and you don't spend 24-7 together. Still do your own thing, go out with your friends, talk about your fears and if needs be let him know that in order to have your own space you might want to sleep in the spare room or sofa every now and again.
Ask yourself one question: do you enjoy staying with your b/f in the same house/room during a holiday over let's say a period of a week or two? Have you been away together?
If your answer is yes then what are you scared about? At the end of the day life is a big holiday so go and enjoy it!
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I really agree to you guys as i've said, i've been with my boyfriend for 6yrs. and moved intogether about 6mths ago. It's quite good to see how your married life would be like. althought there's arguements, but it's the only way to know exactly what each other wants
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I think (and can speak from experience) it's essential that you live together before marriage and I would definitely take my time to do this. I currently live together with my boyfriend for more then 2 years (together 4 years and planning to get married in one or two years) and did so with my previous boyfriend in Europe before breaking up and moving here. I have seen so many marriages break up of friends or relatives who married too soon and in my opinion also too young. They also did not live together before or only briefly.
Having a boy- girlfriend, but each your own apartment and life, is defenitely not the same as sharing the responsibilities for a house; paying rent, bills and other things. Not to mention keeping it clean and organised. Everybody has a different way of taking care of themselves but that could conflict with another person. Do you want to have this burden just after your marriage? You can say it will not happen to you but every couple will have 'issues' in term of each responsibility in the house. And many other things you have to get used to and find a balance together. Plus when living together you start to know the other person even better in terms of little personal habits/characteristics, both good and bad. It can make you laugh and cry. But sharing it with the 2 of you will make you bond even more... Only you 2 will have things that you can understand without saying the words.. This will only make your relationship stronger and last I think...
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You would never know for sure...
That you broke up before was for a reason but that does not mean it will happen with your current boyfriend. If you worry about that too much it will only make it more difficult.
Why not just try to find a house (rent) first together before buying. There is always time to buy and actually is it really a good time for buying a house now? Anyway, why not try first together in Saikung renting and see what happens.
You need to make some decision. The only other option would be to break up if you do not believe in it... Sounds hard but not making a real decision on your relationship is in my eyes just not being 100% honest to yourself.. After 3 years you should know I think, but still all my own opinions.. Nobody can be forced to make decisions in regards to their relationship.
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ACFHK
19 yrs ago
Rouge, devils's advocate aside, marriage isn't a carrot that you dangle as a reward. You do it because you both want it, when you're both ready.
I agree with pretty much all posts. If you have to ask, it's not right. You'll know when it is.
Pumpkin, aren't you an LDR? Though it's probably not by choice, I'm assuming that space within your relationship works for you, but talking about dealing with household stuff prior to marriage or moving in together, is VERY different from actually living it. People can tend to enter marriage with very unrealistic ideas about what marriage means. Yes, if you are bound legally it forces a greater sense of commitment but we all know that life is unpredictable and we never know what it will throw at us. I'm just saying that if 'insane' is open to just living together, then she should give it a go. Particularly if the BF thinks he needs a trial run. It's about compromise.
insane, I don't know how you think you will live as a married couple if you aren't even prepared to live with him now. Is there a religious reason for not shacking up, or a family pressure thing going on?
If it's just about freedom then don't do it. Relationships are about compromise and give and take. You wouldn't mind giving up a little freedom if the situation was right because the pay-offs are so obvious. You'd know instinctively if you were at that point with your BF.
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ACFHK
19 yrs ago
Insane, you "know" when you know...and again...if you have to ask then it's not right.
And don't EVER buy a house with someone if you haven't lived together and you're not getting married, that's insane! Don't do it unles you have lived together for at least 2 years or unless you are married. I've seen it too many times with friends who won't commit to marriage but will commit to owing a s**t load of money together. If things go wrong it's a huge mess. Keep it simple unless you know absolutely that you're in it for the long haul.
Rouge, I don't know what kind of relationships you've been in but it may surprise and enlighten you that there are men out there (I live with one of them) who are just as good at giving as they are at taking. That includes cooking dinner, making coffee for us in the morning before work, making me breakfast when if I'm hung over, doing the dishes and hanging out the laundry. Those streotypical roles have not existed for quite some time and only continue to do so when they are perpetuated.
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I say don't think too much, follow your heart and do what feels right for you. No regrets then!
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