Posted by
Perthites
19 yrs ago
Hi my 8.5 mth old is going thur some serious seperation anxiety issues. I was hoping some mums could share their experiences, how you got thur it and how long it lasted for your child.
I am a full time mum and my daughter is rarely left with other people, we do have someone we use reguarly if we need to so this person is not unfamiliar to my daughter. Our main issue is going to bed at night our daughter usually will go to bed around 7.30pm and sleep thur till 7am (yes we are extremely lucky!) but lately she'l scream blue murder and cling to my top so much so i can't even put her dwon in her cot. She will then get her self so worked up that it would be unhealthy for us to leave her any longer. Last night she cried off an on till 9pm when she finally fell asleep exhusted in my arms. (we had tried putting her and leaving her in her cot but couldn't)She woke this morning at 6am and was out od sorts still but since having 3 sleeps each an hour to and hour & half long is now ok, 2pm. She is ok with me sitting at the dinning room table while she is playing in the lounge and she has always been good at amusing herself it just seems to be the sleeping issue sometimes during the day but mainly at night. Can anyone help we are about to go back to Australia on weds and i don't want to add to her anxieties.
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@@
19 yrs ago
Does she still have two or three daytime naps? It was around 9 months that both of my children gave up their morning naps.
Or could something else be bothering her at night, my son liked a night light around that age (I think it was then but my memory is foggy!)
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Yes she still has two day naps one at about 9am and the other at lunch but she s very tired otherwise i don't worry. I really doubt it's something else but i will consider a night light thanks for that.
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@@
19 yrs ago
Hi Cara,
Both of my kids dropped their morning naps at this time, they would sleep from about 12 until 2.30
My youngest gave up all naps before her 2nd birthday - eek!
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crj
19 yrs ago
Our 9.5 month old still has two naps a day.
9 and 1 ish, for a total of about 3 - 3.5 hours. So sometimes 2 hours and 1 hour, sometimes reversed.
Sounds like your daytimes are going well, and you know your daughter CAN sleep through.
Do you have a bedtime ritual?
We find this helps.
Quiet time with lullaby music and a story
Bath
Massage
Book
Feed
Lullaby and off to bed.
The only times he cries is when he didn't eat enough.
Of course, it could all change!
Have there been any other changes around the house? Something that might be upsetting her?
Do you use a 'transitional object' - a favourite soft toy that she sleeps with every night?
We have had one since about 6 weeks old. It is a soft toy thing that he sleeps with every night. He rolls over and grabs it, and in the morning it is often still with him. We actually have 3 different toys in the crib, so he isn't just attached to one. It works really well for us.
When we first started using it, I wore it in my cleavage for a day to make it smell like me - not necessary anymore, and I don't think that would benefit your 8.5 month old.
Good luck.
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thanking you all for replying but i really believe the issue is seperation anxiety so any insight on that issue would be much appreicated.
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Hi Perthites,
You say it is separation anxiety - has there been changes in the household recently? e.g. have you been leaving her in the care of the babysitter (you mentioned there is someone you use regularly) more often? If so, it could just be something you need to ride out until your baby feels more familiar with her?
My baby is now 7 months and screams until he loses his appetite for lunch when i leave him in the playpen (he used to be happy with it for awhile). He has started crawling so he really wants to explore. So the last few days I have been childproofing his whole room to make it a massive playarea that i can also sit inside and read newspaper...so he is with me and does not feel like he is being separated. and if i need to run to the loo, we have the safety gate so i do not have to resort to the playpen, which freaks him out these days.
sometimes he cries before sleep too but i find the transitional object mentioned by crj helps. he has this little stuff toy that he hugs to sleep...it carries abit of my scent and it is a toy he had since very early on, so a very familiar and reassuring object for him.
good luck!
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just to add that mine is extra clingy these days too because he is teething and in quite abit of pain. they don't know what's happening so they are scared and probably just need more cuddles from mummy.
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@@
19 yrs ago
One thing you could try (and I did it when I wanted my son to sleep in his own bed rather than always coming into me).
Each night when you pop your baby to bed stay in the room sitting in a chair (no eye contact) until she falls asleep. You do this every night but move your chair closer to the door each night until you are finally out in the hall.
It took about 5 nights to do this for me but did work and no tears - I was exhausted becasue it was in the middle of the night but in the long run worth it for us.
Good Luck.
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I get what your saying but my daughter has nver had a problem going to sleep before She isn't interested in transitional toys and i have sat on a chair by her/ patted her etch and she doesn't even lie down she is just very agitated. This afternoon she started being really whiny and is just so not herself which makes me wonderinf separation anxiety is the problem after all. No changes in house not leaving with other people.
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crj
19 yrs ago
There was a whole thread about this not too long ago:
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/momsdads/threads/89677.asp
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i am no expert but after 7 months, i have come to realise that babies change. a child that might sleep through the night might suddenly not, a child that is eating well might suddenly be eating poorly. if you search hard enough, you will probably find a reasons but everytime you think you have taken 1 step forward, the week later it might be 2 steps back.
i am sure it is very distressing to see your child like this, my son today was very clingy too. but re-reading the link posted by crj above, i think it's a natural phase of a child's development. try the tips suggested by the mums in the thread and hope for the best.
at 8.5 months, i reckon she must be pretty active and might tire even quicker than before...if her clingy behaviour is very prominent before sleeptime, try putting her down earlier? i find that sometimes help - i do have specific times when i put mine down for naps but if he is extra whiny, i put him down earlier instead of sticking to routine - they could be overtired these little wanderers and need a rest earlier.
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i do follow a routine but it is never stricked if she is tired i will put her down. Of course i understand that babies change that is after all what development is change so it isn't so much the change that has got me in turmoil but her whole being is a complete opposite of her regular self and i can't seem to do anything that cheers her up or realives her anxiety.
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Thanks crj for the thread i did try to find one but used the wrong term/word so it didn't come up. I'm not meaning to be rude and shuting peoples suugestions down i am trying to let you know what i do normally and what my daughter is normaly like so therefore someone might see somehting i've missed. My daughter has always slept in her own room and cot form the time we bought her home, she has never had a problem going off to sleep by herself and rarely wakes during the night if she does she will just talk and play happily and go back off to sleep.
We have never given her a dummy or blanky, she does not suck her thumb she does have a toy she likes but it's not something that she can't live without or has to go everywhere with us. She hardly cuddles it when its in her cot. She is generaly VERY laid back and Very happy. There have been no changes in the household i haven't left her with the usual sitter for some time and in fact we have just been hanging out the two of us as the haze is so bad i haven't really gone out side. We have a little friend upstairs we oftern see whom she loves. Normaly takes to stranges well haven't encounted any lately to judge if this is now an issue. Last night she fell asleep drinking her bottle so went to bed easily but i got hubby to put her down just incase she woke up at 12am last night and i tried just sitting next to her cot but she just clung to the cot bars while up on her knees just crying and crying i picked her up and held her while sitting in a chair in her room she settled and after some time i put her down again but she went crazy again. So i went in and sat in the chair with her and eventually she fell asleep. I was back in bed by 1.15am she then slept thru the night but slept with those emotional shutters like a deep sigh reacurring like a hick up. She woke at 6.15am i think she heard hubby leave was already unhappy and unsettled wingy etc and this is while i am holding her in the same room with her, she only had half her milk and didn't want breaky she went back to sleep at 7.45am. Is this separation anxiety. she did play a little by herself but was quite wingy. She is crawling now and does get frustrated when she can't pull herself up highter than her knees but i alwasy help her. the only thing that turely makes her happy is watching her baby einstein dvds. Please any onther adivce.
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Perthites,
I can't offer any help - only sympathy - my almost 9 month old is going through almost the same thing - she's whingey, clingy, won't settle for night sleeps (day sleeps seems ok usually). She's acting totally out of character as she's usually laid back and very happy. Mine is also not eating much at all which is really worrying me. I can't work out what's wrong - we do have a new helper but she seems to love her, her face lights up when she sees her, last week she had injections and had a fever for a couple of days but that's over and she was like this before that. No sign of any teeth coming through. She does have a lingering cough from the awful smog right now but it doesn't seem to be really upsetting her.
So sorry for no advice, I'm watching this hoping someone has some because whilst the clinging nd whinging is worrying, the not eating is concerning me the most in my case.
I know it probably is just a phase but it's very unsettling when your LO just doesn't seem herself and as a parent you can't seem to really do anything.
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bw
19 yrs ago
After reading your detailed post I don't feel it is seperation anxiety. She seems to be unsettled even when you are holding her. Are you sure it is not teething ? I remember my son used to be a great sleeper until he started teething - overnight he was waking up every hour through the night ! He never went back to sleeping through the night after that !
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spicegal thanks for your post i so happy there is someone else who can understand what i'm saying. With my daughter just usually being the happiest little thing it's just doing my head in trying to figure all this out and it is extrememly upsetting for me. I just want to make her happy she's just sooo unhappy and everytime i think i can put a lable on it i question myself. My daughter also has no teeth and no sign of any, they could be moving down under gums but she's not chewing on anything and when i wipe her face she doesn't mind so not especially sensitive there. She does it some but not so much of a big deal if she doesn't i take the attitude that she'll eat if she's hungry enogut and she also is a very healthy weight so not like she'll get sick if she doesn't. Do you think your daughter is going thru separation anxitey?
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Hi P,
after reading your latest post, i can imagine why you are so distressed - have met your lovely girl before this is really a big change!
you know, a doc probably will not be able to help with this but perhaps you can try mother and child at tanglin mall for some advice from the midwife? they have a well-baby clinic on mondays and wednesdays i think - call them tomorrow and see if it is worth a trip down? with some professional help you might be able to pinpoint the problem. i came across the finder mag recently some figi-uk organisation (think they do stuff like antenatal care, etc) that has people who can help with sleep problems.
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bw thanks for you input i don't know if you can ever be sure it's not theething untill they apear but she has no runny poos now drooling, not chewing on everthing.
Wheelymate going away tomorrow morning so can't go to c any one. Went last week to dr's and got her checked couldn't find anything.
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bw
19 yrs ago
I understand perfectly. Now in hindsight I know my son was teething but at that time when the fussiness started I couldn't figure out why either, because the teeth didn't cut through gums until much later. Only I didn't think of seperation anxiety simply because he was only 6 months old. Seperation anxiety started much later and continued until he was nearly 2 !! If your instinct is telling you that it is that then in your place I would do what it takes to calm her down. If she wants to be held then do so, if she wants to fall asleep in your arms maybe you can oblige. If you are travelling tomorrow that's bound to give her more reason to be fussy so reassure her that everything is ok and mommy is right with her. Maybe co-sleep with her for a few days ?
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I'm not sure I will be much help and give you the answer you are looking for...
Like I wrote in the thread that crj gave you, I think it is just a phase. During this phase, they realise that they are a different person than mummy and mummy can move away while they are sleeping, that they can be left alone... It only seems natural to me that it can be terrifying. If you keep in mind that in the nature, if a baby is left alone, he certainly will never be able to survive (emotionally AND physically), then it is normal that he must feel this anguish. Even we, as adult, feel terrified when left all alone somewhere strange, and we can still rationalise and try to find a solution !
My advise would be to answer to this anguish by always being present when she needs you. By not doing it, you just prove her right in her anxiety. I'm not an advocate to the cry it out method at all and I don't beleive that independance should be tought like this. It may seem to ask for a lot of you but one day, all to soon, you will feel a little pinch in your heart when she will find the outside world much more fascinating than the comfort of your arms. Believe it or not, she will grow out of this stage, and then, you'll just miss the time when she wanted your cuddles. So make the most of it! ;-)
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Thank you nappypooh, I truely hope it is just a phase and not something more the fact that she will cry while i'm with/holding her is the most worrying. I am also not and avdocate of the cry it out method and when she is like this even less so. If she crys when i put her down i am just ouside her door and waitring to see if it esclates or dies down. I just love her to death and the fact that she is this upset and unhappy is truely killing me every day and i'm just so greatful that people have taken the time to help me try to make sense of this. I hope our trip home tomorrow will help not worsen the whole thing. THANKS
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Thank you nappypooh, I truely hope it is just a phase and not something more the fact that she will cry while i'm with/holding her is the most worrying. I am also not and avdocate of the cry it out method and when she is like this even less so. If she crys when i put her down i am just ouside her door and waitring to see if it esclates or dies down. I just love her to death and the fact that she is this upset and unhappy is truely killing me every day and i'm just so greatful that people have taken the time to help me try to make sense of this. I hope our trip home tomorrow will help not worsen the whole thing. THANKS
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Perthites,
We are living the same life. My boy has exactly the same problem, even down to the baby Einstein DVDs being his saviour. Scary.
Anyway- spoke to my mum about it at the weekend- she said I went through this at around the same age, for 6 months!
Basically my boy is 10 months- was sleeping happily though, daytime naps Ok etc until 2 months ago. I have not had a full nights sleep since, and 2 days out of 7 he is a nightmare. His teeth are mostly through, he eats OK mostly ( some off days), will not leave me alone when I am at home ( I work full time), he crawls after me whichever room I go in, like a lap dog., and then crawls up my legs til I pick him up. If I leave the room without him he screams until I come back.
Anyway, even though I have a helper who is also trying to cope with the neediness, I am the one who is working though the day and up all night. I have even begun to dread nighttime.
Spoke to a Doc - she said:
- separation anxiety has nothing to do with the mother being 'away'. It is a normal part of development and not one I should worry about for the long term.
- It is perfectly normal but unfortunately can last quite a long time, in which we worry more than the babies.
- I had to get my usual routine out of my head and do whatever it took to calm him and make him feel secure in the short term. ( I only kind of agree with this)
- Once we had 7 days of fairly regular routine available, I should re- train him gently. ( for me that is kind of following Gina Ford, in a loose way).
- Be aware that he may not sleep through the night again ( I nearly cried at this) , but to try and settle him with the least amount of stress to both. She said this would eventually mean I did not have to go and pick him up/sit there, but that either a toy or a nightlight or a quick look in would work. (To me, as an advocate of no toys, dark room etc, this is very difficult to grasp, why would I introduce a light when i got him black out curtains when he was born? )
- I had to try feeding him more carbs for his dinner.(!?)
To be honest, none of the advice worked for me, I dont agree with the light, I dont think it will calm him when he wakes up, and I dont believe our bedtime routine is in need of improvement. The only thing I care about is not having him so completely stressed out when he wakes. I have recently been on 2 holidays, so we are all out of routine. This Friday night, I am going to try and get him back on track somehow. But, if I listen to my mother talk about me, she said the only piece of advice she could give was to remember he has no idea what he is doing, and that soon it will pass. Also- never take him to bed with me, however knackered i am, always go to him, or i am replacing one bad habit with another. I really do sympathise. I am completely worn out, worried, guilty and on the verge of tears pretty much 24/7.
Good luck.
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wow phoenix you poor thing, i am lucky enought not to work and i am lucky in the fact that, so far, she hasn't been waking up every night and there are times when she seems ok but they are short lived. I haven't really been following my regular routine since this started a week agao i just meet her needs at the time and i try to keep her from getting to worked up and bawling. I am happy to hear that it seems to be just a development issue. If i find something that seem to help my daughter apart from the dvds i'll pass it on. I hope your situation improves and i was thinking that even though we are so worried we have to try not to let it show as we might be passing it on? Good luck and thank you sooo much for you post it has really helped me.
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Sorry- wasn't a sympathy post! Just sharing my current experiences. I am somewhat gobsmacked , because from being born he has been an angel. You're right, though, keeping calm and chilled when they are stressed has to be the most important. I am taking everything else with a pinch of salt. I am sure they will both be Ok in a few weeks.
Have a great holiday- he improved alot whilst we were in Oz for 2 weeks recently.
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your post was fine and i do appericate you sharing your experiences. he onl problem with our trip is that hubby is only coming 3 days out of the 15. but hopefully it will help. Thanks agian
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hmmm...
i may be attacked for suggesting this - but I've talked several girlfriends through this same problem. If you're a working mom (or even part time) it can be frustrating to deal with. I do think separation anxiety may have something to do with nighttime sleep, (but I'm no expert) but I do think that nighttime habits can be trained. Even if they child is going through separation anxiety during the day, that's not a reason for him or her to keep waking up at night looking for you.
Have you thought about Ferber? People have a love hate relationship with him - i'm all about the love side of it though. he has a new version of his book (I only have the older version) which reveals, evidently a "softer side" to sleep training. I found his methods invaluable, and he says to use them AFTER babies are 6 months old. So your baby could do it. Phoenix, you sound like you might benefit from the same.
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@@
19 yrs ago
You never know, perhaps your trip will shake things up a bit and you'll see an improvement. I hope so, I know it's not fun having a cranky baby. Have a great time!
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Hi Perthites,
Just wondering how you got over the separation anxiety with you daughter if it was that. My 13.5 month old has suddenly also become very emotional and will not let me put her down in her cot at night or during the day for her naps. She was very good before that. She screams and screams and cries soooooo loud. Don't know what happened all of a sudden! Also seems to be throwing lots of tantrums too - didn't think that happened until at least 18- 24 months. Would love to hear how you got through it. Thanks
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