Posted by
clueless
19 yrs ago
Wow
I just discovered last night that my husband of 6 years had a child 10 years ago with another woman, way before we met. He never told me about this as he honestly thought that he was dealing with it by sending the child money every month. He told me that the reason he never told me was that he wanted to protect me from this which I do believe.He has see the child once every 2 years. We have 2 children together. I really love my husband but have been shaken to the core. How on earth do I get through this ladies. I feel so betrayed and cannot believe that hedidnt tell me about this beforehand.......
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How did you find out?
"Wanted to protect you" = bs!! This is not just a little white lie, it is huge.
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My brother had the same scenario going on.
He started talking to his then current girlfriend about it after the child was 6. She told him she didn't want anything to do with it and wished he didn't too.
His conscience was catching up on him though and he made the brave decision to face up to his deeds (child from a one night stand) and went and contacted the family and started a responsible relationship with the child.
I think then it's a positive sign and is showing that your husband is truly an adult and has become more willing to 'do the right thing' than he was before. I would give him a hug as it must have been a terrible secret to bear.
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clueless...so sorry to hear of your situation! :-( what a way to be blindsided. same question as Chiriqui: how did you find out?
has he told you the entire story, i.e. who the mother is, where, when, how, etc.? the more you know directly from him, the more in control you will begin to feel. and it will give your husband a chance to finally come totally clean with you, and to preserve whatever bond you may have.
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Is the child in Hong Kong too? Has he had regular contact? Have you told your children? You poor thing, what a bombshell!
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Your head must be spinning from this and you must be really angry. Look on the bright side, he has been giving money to the child for ten years, so that shows he is a good man to the core. He could have walked away and abandonned the child but he didn't. I know that doesn't make up for him not telling you, and opens up as to what else he hasn't told you.
You both need to sit, take a deep breath, seek counseling. I mean, your kids now have a half sibling....are your kids supposed to know or not? no right answers here.
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Thankyou so much ladies....
I found out bu complete accident....I did something that I have NEVER done before. I checked his blackberry....dont know why i did it, i just did, I then sat down and told him that I had done a terrible thing and checked his blackberry and who the hell are x and y. So I suppose that he had no choice to tell me. The bloody idiot is still saying that I didnt need to know, it was his mistake and problem and I was dealing with it.....how stupid can you be. Did he really not think that one day when this child gets a little older she will want to know who her bio dad is?
He is away today...good thing really as my brain is ready to let rip.
The child lives in the UK. He has told me all about what happend, it was a very short relationship (3 weeks) he told her that he could not be a father at that point in his life, she told him that she would deal with the 'situation' 1 year or so later hubby recieves a call saying 'you have a child!!' since then he has chosen to pay maintenance.
I did manage to speak to my husband today and said you need to close this financial monthly crap down and pay a one off through the correct legal channels. The emotional side is a separate issue....he has seen this child a few times (6-7) to my mind that does not make him a father to this child, biological father yes, but certainly not a parent....honestly, I dont want him to have any contact with her until the child chooses to do so....is that really evil of me?
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Oqzstone, firstly I looked in his blackberry...I admitted that it was wrong, secondly my husband fails to tell me that he has a 10 year old daughter....not really on the same level are they. Are you telling me that if you saw an email from a woman to youre partner asking for the regular monthly payment to be made earlier you wouldnt ask him about it....Of course I demanded to know, and i think that any woman with an ounce of respect for herself and her husband would do the same thing.
He is clearly living with this lie and must be feeling really crap, so that fact that I am prepared to help him through with this, help him sort out this financial burden in a legal way to avoid any future blackmail demands etc.. and then deal with the emotional contact of his daughter (when she is mature enough to decide if she wants contact) implies that I am giving my husband much more dignity and respect than I can imagine a lot of women would be doing in my situation.
As for the trust, you are right, I wont trust him for a long time. Any relationship is based on trust and honesty. This has been taken away from me. Will I make his life miserable? well, as I said, the fact that I am trying to work through this with him, would not really back up what you are saying would it?
If you really feel that the best way to deal with such an issue is to continue with what my husband has been doing for the past 10 years, and that is to live a lie and pay them a financial amount in secret and wait for the child to turn of age and then want some sort of contact, then I am sorry, but luckily this didnt happen to youre partner....sorry if I sound harsh too.
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gwern
19 yrs ago
I think it's really sad that you have both found yourself in this position. Let's face it it's not the finance that's the issue here it's the emotions. He kept something HUGE from you that was not fair. But at the end of the day he is the father. It doesn't matter whether this is purely a biological situation. Would it have changed things if you had known prior to your wedding? He doesn't have to play 'dad' to this child but the fact that he has taken some responsibility over the years is a credit to him. I'm not for one minute saying that it will be easy to forgive but you need to look at how you will deal with this. To completely cut this child off is a little cruel as she has had contact with him already. At the moment you must be in a lot of pain but when the dust has settled and you are ready to deal with this you really must face the issue.
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Going back to my brother..
he was way too immature to think of having a child at the time. Six years later, when his then girlfriend and he had just had another child, his conscience caught up with him.
Then girlfriend didn't want to burst the bubble she had been living in and became very me, me, me.. I think my brother saw a side of her he didn't want to see.
Now he has a new wife and two kids and a very good and healthy relationship with the first child but.. guess what.. not much of one with the old girlfriend or their kids..
Why make someone choose? He made his choice re the child and you should respect that, it was made probably before you were on the scene.
A one of payment? I'm sure that'll ease his conscience.. It sounds like he's got more of a conscience than you and your total lack of regard for the child involved.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I err on the side of gzstone here (but I'm a woman).
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I hear you matches.....I am probably too angry at the moment. Once the dust settles I am sure that my emotions will start to resume to normality. I do think I have regards for the child and really feel for her as after all, she is caught up in the middle of it. What I was thinking is yes, selfish for me, but also tha fact that this child has seen him a handful of times, is now 10 and when she is ready emotionally and mentally, then make the connection if she wants to, which of course I will support. My husband isnt really having to choose now, I really dont feel that is what I am making him do. he chose to do that of his own accord before the child was born and for the last 10 years.....oh, this is so hard....really. I want to do the right thing, honestly but am still in too much pain to think straight.....you have really helped by sharing youre story...thanks.
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yes, wise words as always pumpkin. I think that I need to really talk to my husband first. He has been away since 2 days.....I just am so cross with him for hiding this from me. I cant tell you how mad I feel at being kept in the dark from this.......I understand all that you are saying about children not asking to come into this world...but what gets me is the fact that my husband LIED about this to me. he knew about this before we met.
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Totty
19 yrs ago
Clueless.....i feel for you i really do.
However, you're husband may well not have told you originally becuase he didn't know how you're react and maybe because he thought it would scare you off.
Anyway, i have a couple of friends whose lives are made hell due to the fact that the mothers of their children make it as difficult as possible to see their children (the parents are divorced).
DON"T tell your husband not to see his child, this will only make him choose between you or the child, just support him, listen and let him know you're there for him. I know you've been hard done by but he's been carrying this secret for years, he must feel as though he has let you down something chronic. I've sort of been through something similiar and am still with him 18 years down the road!
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Ok, just one more..
my niece is now about 18. I remember reading letters from her "To Dad" which brother stuck on fridge. They were very touching letters from a six year old who was thrilled to have a real dad who loved her just like everyone else.
Family territory a bit unknown at first, but kids grab you quickly and she genetically got a lot or her looks from my brother. She naturally fits into the family. Even as bonus as she is a lovely big sister to the other kids. Now she's 18 or so!
I hope you can see it as a bonus Clueless, your family just got bigger!
ggodluck X
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Well, I am that kid 40 yrs on, and dealing with a stepmum who still isn't too keen on the situation (never lived with her and she's known for 25 years). I try really hard to talk to her, to the detriment of my own relationship with my bio father as I spend so long in her company. I guess I've accepted that it will never get better than this. Your husbands child will always be on the outskirts of your family, with your 2 children, and her mothers family, when she moves on and reproduces with someone else.
Don't get me wrong, I do empathize, but this child really is blameless in the whole situation and deserves more than a "one off payment" and no contact. Blame your husband, blame the woman but try and accept the existence of this child who will inevitably seek you out in the next 5 - 6 years when curiosity gets the better of them.
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I think it's very good timing that your husband is away-- it gives you enough time to sift through your emotions before you finally sit down with him and discuss the pending future of their "relationship" and yours.
Blame is useless and counter-productive, it will not change anything nor make things any better.
Clueless, I just have some questions that I hope you can answer from your heart. You need not share in this forum, but aside from being kept in the dark about his child for many years, what else are you angry about? In your mind, what will the one-off payment achieve? Do you expect that this payment will permanently cut off all communication (and thus the relationship)between them? What worries you if your husband continues with the financial support?
I know you're in an emotionally difficult situation, but I hope you come to both a decision and a solution that you will be happy about and be at peace with.
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Thanks all so much for youre support and advise.
Blue Iris, you really struck a chord with me...I dont want to be that step mum that makes the child feel like an outsider....
Annebin, thanks for the words for thought....makes sense what you are saying
Matches, I also have a brother in a similar situation......he still cries everytime he reads a letter from my 6 year old niece who is just the most precious thing ( he does have regular monthly contact withthe child).
Once again, thanks ladies, you are all amazing and I really value all of youre help.
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Sorry Cara
Please re-read what I was saying. When did I say 'stop supporting the child??????'...what I said was, quote "you need to close this financial monthly crap down and pay a one off through the correct legal channels" basically provide for her until she is 18/21 as per the current UK law (legal channels). This is to make sure that he doesnt risk recieving extra demands from the mother for things not related to his daughters welfare and also to ensure that he is not going to find out in the next few years that he has not paid as much as he should have. Let me be clear here. I was not and never have insinuated that he should not be financially responsible for his daughter. The poor thing is just an innocent party in this, who should absolutely be taken care of financially by her father.
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A "one off" implies a single payment.
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let's stop beating clueless up over whatever she may have written in the (extreme) heat of the moment. bottom line is that she acknowledges the child is innocent, and that her husband has a legal and financial obligation to the child.
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snooping in his blackberry was wrong, but now you have a pandora's box to deal with.
You must speak to a lawyer..not the one you share but your own. Before any one jumps the gun,
I am not talking about divorce. I am talking aboutlooking out for the interest of your kids and also your self.
If something should happen to your husband, god forbid, but if it does, what happens to his will and assets? Since he is making regular payments to his love child, what are her claims? It is not her fault that she is the love child but what if she makes a claim? will you have to sell house etc...basically, it is a volcano that will erupt. Not if, but when.
what are the secret child's rights to your husbands money and assets? You need to find out to protect your children.
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Maybe the reason why the whole matter was kept secret from you is revealed in this column. What are you scared of? The child ... or the child's mother?
You should be proud of your husband - so many 'one night stands' end up with offspring living in poverty. Instead of running, your man faced his responsibilities.
At least you know, for it will surely happen if you don't ease up, when you two split he will honour his obligations.
Besides, when the union occurred you weren't even on the scene, so really it wasn't as if he was cheating on you.
Most everyone has secrets predating their marriages. What are yours?
This child is no different from children of a previously failed relationship - you are now a 'blended' family.
Congratulations!
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juji
19 yrs ago
If you are the type of person whos wants to cut these people out of and particularly a child out of its father's life then I am not surprised your husband didn't tell you about it. One lump sum payoff is somewhat of a mafia deal isn't it?
Its completely juvenile to be jealous of your husbands child. He has been doing the right thing till now and I agree with a comment above that you should let your husband act with dignity and contunue along the path.
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update time....
well ladies, my husband returned from his trip and it was really really tough even to look at him in the eye. We ended up going out for dinner and had a really honest open chat, which was really tough as I still kind of had a real knot in my stomach from being lied to, or rather, not being told about this part of his life.
After some alcohol, the conversation got much easier and we actually ended up - believe it or not- having quite a laugh at the bizzareness of being in this situation. I actually really feel for him and just have NO idea how the heck he kept this secret from me. He is a really honourable guy with real integrity. I think this is why I was so angry at being in the dark about this. He had buried it so deep and was just so relieved that it was now out in the open. He was really physically emotional about it, and I told him that I was there for him, but have lost a lot of trust which needs to be rebuilt. Since then, we talk about it whenever we need to....even the most bizzare and seemingly irrelevant things. I think that this is really helping. We still have a long way to go before we are back to the place that we were prior to this.
The crazy thing is, that he really had not even given thought to the fact that sooner or later his daughter will want to get in touch with him of her own accord and find out about her background etc....hopefully he will be ready to deal with this when (not if) this happens. More importantly, our children will also be prepared for this moment (they are too young now).
jag.123 - thanks for that, I never even thought about that aspect.
Thanks again ladies.
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Sounds like your husband is a one in a million guy and sounds like he is a responsible parent. We have all made mistakes in the past, this is his. I too was totally with you until you started talking about money even though you have tried to redeem yourself on this issue. I know plenty of people who are divorced/ widowed in the UK and they really struggle. Unless 2 parents have great jobs then you are pretty much strapped for cash in the UK. Your thread has a hint of panic about your own rice bowl being broken.
I think that your husband has shown a lot of maturity. If I were you I would like to think that I could act like a grown up, encourage him to contact his daughter and have a realtionship with her whilst maintaining the financial moral duties that having a child brings. You husband obviously feels something for the child otherwise he wouldn't be making the effort.
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I don't think that she is making a great deal out of it. Before he married you, he should have told you, but maybe he was trying to deal with it himself.
He was wrong not to tell, and you were wrong not to snoop. But now you must move ahead.
Yes, he has a child, but would you prefer the mother to come out of the blue knocking on the door and demanding child support because your husband was a @@@@@@@@std for not paying a penny.
I think you do have a gem of a husband for paying for so long, and continuing to pay. Many men would have walked out and forced the woman to have an abortion. He did not.
Now that you know, perhaps he needs to get proof that it is his child ...paternity test. and then you can both decide what to do.
What is the mother's situation? Is she married, with a partner, other children. Finding out might ease your mind.
It sucks that he has a secret child, but then in a way, you have discovered that he is too kind to walk away. Mixed blessings. Also, go see your own lawyer (not for divorce) but just to avoid the minefield's ahead.
Good luck
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I am being realistic.
If her husband has an accident and dies, who gets his estate? The fact that he has been paying child support for so long means that the love child has rights.
What if the house and property is in joint names? Does wife have to end up selling house and giving money to the other child.
Bear in mind that it will get nasty because lawywers will probably stir the fires.
What happens to the estate. I am asking her to see a lawyer to look out for the interest of her own child.
The love child and mother may not demand anything now, but if there is lots of money involved, who knows.
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Demand anything? His first child has as much flaming rights as his second and third!!!! What's the difference? You sow those seeds and they are entitled to reap!!
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I was the major 'breadwinner'in our household with enough independent finances to buy our family homes. We have several properties that I solely purchased - which are still in my sole name. So I am not sure what his daughter is entitled to on this basis. I think the really decent thing to do would be to at least set up some sort of trust for her (in addition to what is already regularly paid), that she doesnt have to know about until she is 18. Yes I did panic about the whole situation, about my marriage, my children etc...now that he dust has settled its much, much clearer to see what has happened. It is life, it had happened and we need to make sure that the right thing is done....especially by his daughter.
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Well done clueless. You sound a lot happier about it and you are along the right tracks. What another poster says is also true. You need to make sure that your husband and you have a will.
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I'm glad to hear that you have sorted things out. And I admire you for really being a woman of substance, and to hold your head up high.
I think you are a wonderful person for your generosity towards your children's now step daughter/son.
It's life. It could be worse...but look forward.
Have a great life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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having the same dad as clueless' kids, the child would be a half-sibling.
clueless, sending you very best wishes for tackling such a hugely shocking revelation with kindness and openness. jag.123 gave the best advice above. let us know how it all gets sorted.
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REALLY!!!!!! wow, how long did he think he was the father for?
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Lady Mandy....why would I make up a story like this.....? sorry, but I just dont get what you are saying. If you have ever read any of my posts you would see that I dont seek sympathy and tend to offer practical advice when I can. Its so sad for you to say this. The thought of making up such a thread is beyond my comprehension. I think that you may be watching too much daytime TV. .really... grow up love
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why would anyone have the time to make up such a story?
This is not the first time a secret child will happen and it won't be the last time.
Clueless had a problem, she shared it, she solved it, and she is so full of compassion that she is willing to even plan ahead for her husband's other child.
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Thanks jag.123. I really cant get my head around why on earth ANYONE would make up such a story....I really just dont get it. Am I missing something here? Why indeed?
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This exact scenario also happened to my completely innocent and unsuspecting sister in law. I can't believe some of the posts which trivialize or belittle the situation Clueless finds herself in, or which claim she is selfish for thinking natural questions that stem from the question, "what does this mean for my relationship and for my children." Hang in there, C. Three cheers for your level headedness.
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ludma
17 yrs ago
Dear, find inside you the way to forgive your husband, all people make mistakes, the girl need a father, Quantity of time dont make a father, the most important is de quality of the time they have for spend together to be a happy child and you can be the person who can make this posible. you are more important that you think for begin to bild a good relationship betwen your husband, your children and the girl.
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