Baby too attached to the domestic helper?

Hello,


My paranoid hubby is worried our unborn son will be too attached to the domestic helper, what’s your experience? I am not planning to let the DH to raise my son; I am planning to spend every moment I have with him! Can you share your story so that I can clam my hubby down (as he is telling me he doesn’t want a DH at all!!!!!)


Thank you so much.

Do you have to go back to work at all? If not, I don't see how your baby will be too attached to the domestic helper unless you leave everything to her.




But I also had your husband's concern and have therefore decided that I will only keep the same DH for two years so my child will hopefully not be too attached to any one DH.

I didn't have a full time helper until my kids were 4 and 1. Neither is "too" attached to her although they do love to play with her. My son went through a stage when he was very excited to spend time with our helper. He's now in a "mommy" stage at the moment. And he's gone through a "daddy" stage as well. Unless you are NEVER around, I don't think you (or your husband) should be concerned about this.


If you have a good DH that both you and your children like, I don't know why you'd switch helpers. I think it would be more of a problem to have your children get used to a new helper every two years.

I work full time, and wish I had more time with my son. But one thing that makes me feel better is that he does have a main care giver who is very attentive and genuinely cares for him - babies need this security. Even though we switched helpers, he is only 1 and has the memory of a peanut, so after a week was adjusted to the new helper (about to switch again, we'll see how this goes).


I am the one to wake him up at 6:30am, and spend 1/2 hour every morning.

Then we have another 10 minutes before I go to work.


I come home after lunch, and try to get him when he wakes up from his nap, but not always possible as I work form home in the afternoon.


I then see him for sporadic few minutes here and there - but some days not at all depending on how busy my work is, and other days it can be a longer stretch.


Then at 6:00 it is bath, massage, dressed, time to drink (used to be b/f until last week), etc.. and I am with him until bed at 6:30 or so.


Now that I am 8 months pregnant, I can't actually do the bath anymore, but I do the rest and sometimes read to him while he is in the bath.


And at weekends we spend much more time together and it is great!


So yes, he spends more time with the DH, but we are pretty sure he knows I am his mummy and not her.


Even if you don't work, I think a DH is a great idea - you say now you want every minute with baby, but I don't know any mother who doesn't like the idea of:

taking a long shower when they want

going to the toilet alone

taking a nap when totally exhausted

going for a swim, yoga or other exercise that is not baby friendly

getting a manicure!


I truly believe you can be a better mother if you get some time to yourself each week (even if just an hour a day) and then you treasure the time with your baby even more, and you are also more 'human' and potentially more attentive to your husband as you are not so exhausted.


In addition, after baby is sleeping 7pm - 7am, it is great to have a DH to stay home to 'listen' for baby while you and hubby go for dinner or a movie - luxury!

my wonderful DHs (I have 2), one takes care of my daughter (3yrs), and one takes care of my son (1year)..... both are SUPER with my kids, and my kids are very attached to them, and loves my helpers very much.


However, my kids have NEVER mistaken them as their mom, and has the special bond with my husband and I that no helper can change. You would be lucky to find a helper who can MAKE your child attached, and love the helper. That means the helper is doing a good job.


As a mother, and parent, spend quality time with your kids, and show your love and care always. It's not quantity, it's the quality. (old saying is so true).


Good luck!

I think of it as just one more enriching, adult relationship, like Aunties or cousins. Even when my children have been quite attached to nanny, I have never felt threatened or displaced by that relationship in any way. I wouldn't want a helper to be caring for my children if she had no feeling for them or if they didn't like her. I assure you, no one can take your place.

As long as your relationship is good with your child then you shouldn't have any grounds to worry.


As for the 'having a helper every 2 years' i think this is more unsettling to the child than beneficial, children need routine and to konw that their surroundings and people won't keep disappearing. BAD IDEA if you ask me.

My twins formed a bond with their caregiver early on while I had PPD as well as a 22 month old. Today, the twins are 2 and if I was on one side of the room and their caregiver on the other, hands-down they'd come to me. It really is the quality of your relationship with your children, not the quantity. I'm very happy that they have another loving relationship in their lives being so far away from family. There is no way that I would change helpers every 2 years.

Hi, I work full time and have a helper. I can say without a doubt that my little girl prefers me. If I've gone out with friends for dinner and do not come home on time, she'll cry for me.

I've done what all the posts have suggested. Whenever I'm home, I would take every opportunity to play with her, teach her and tell her I love her. In the morning, in the midst of getting ready for work, I would hug her and give her my full attention for at least 10 minutes... even if this meant I had to get up early to get myself ready. At lunch, I would go home to see her. I finish work on time so I could go home to see her. After my dinner and hers, we'd go for a stroll in the park where I would tell her about the many things we see along the way or I would take her shopping and asks for her opinion on mummy's clothes. She's only 2.5 years old and doesn't know much but I pretend she's an adult and knows it all and she enjoys it. Sometimes we play in the ball pool. I get sooooooo exhausted at nights but it's really worth it and they are only young once.

She's attached to my helper too, but only when mummy isn't around.

We decided to change helper every 2 years so child gets use to this idea. I mean, helpers will not necesarily stay with on after the 2 years anyway. Also for planning purposes makes things easier. Don't want to be stuck with no maid should she suddenly decide not to come back after her return home. It would also be a bit difficult should the helper get pregnant on her trip home, which I believe has happened to a couple of other parents. I would rather avoid such situations.


Its not like the kids won't have any consistency mum and dad are still around. Its may even be good for kids to learn to adapt. There will no doubt be pros and cons for every situation.

Mothers are always mothers. I work full time. My daughter was raised by my helper (the same helper). I help when I can. My daugther was very very attached to my helper when she was little (she is now almost 8). Nothing has changed. She still loves my helper, but she is much closer to me. She used to cry when the helper was not around, now as long as I am around (not on business trips), she would always want me. Have I done more than I did before? No. The point is that I am her mother and she knows..... So nothing to worry about....

Hi guys,


Thank you so much! I will go back to work after 10 weeks. Our plan is to take care of the baby ourselves when we are home and of course weekends. My hubby even wants to send the helper to my mom's during the weekend... as I said he is a bit paranoid!


Once again, thanks for all the insights.


:o)

Pam

Do not think as if the helper is a threat to your relationship- mother and child. Think in a way that you have an extra hand when you need one, so you won't have any negative feelings towards the DH. We are lucky that in hk, we can have the luxury to hire full time help.

Changing nappies gets very boring after a while... I have no problem passing baby off to helper for a nappy change :)


In addition, when baby throws up all over you, it is great to have someone hold baby while you get changed, then clean the baby, then give baby back to you while she cleans the floor/sofa, etc...


It does not make you a bad parent to pass off some of the dirty work!


Let alone the fact that a helper can clean and cook to allow you to spend more time with baby, and on occassion can let you nap while she cares for baby - and trust me, you do need those naps to be a happy mummy!!


I am sure once baby comes you and hubby and baby and helper will all figure out a pattern that works for your family!


Good luck!

Wow your husband sounds very sweet if a little paranoid ;-). I wouldn't worry once a man is getting all his laundry and cooking and dishes done for him and is not being called on to change nappies and get up in the night then he may realise what a great thing he's got!

He may have a slightly romantic view of what being a parent of a new born is like at first. But hey if he's keen to be doing what the helper would normally do ont he weekend for you so you can have a rest then go for it send the helper away.

Most men adore being cared for, my husband has said he'll never go back after we had two babies under two and just moved here 6 months ago. It's absolutely wonderful to have a lady who is now like family to me and the kids.....I see it like this, we've taken them away from their extended family and so she is in many ways a surrogate grandma. Our helper is older, mature and very sweet she fits in perfectly with us and shares our beliefs which helps. We will never dump her as long as she wants to stay because I would hate my kids to not have her since she obviously loves them and vice versa. I work part time so am only gone for mornings so there is no confusion for my boys.


Tell your husband that you will more energy to have sex with him and on go on dates and he may change his mind haha.

Honestly some days I think having a helper saved our marraige I'm soooo in love with my husband when I don't have to bully him into washing dishes for a change.

Mine is a different view and obviously not the prevalent one in Hong Kong. I won't go into the details as, being a mum without a helper and with some part-time work apart from household chores I have not much time for this but hubby is on hol at the moment.

I always thought/wanted to return to work after having babies. I didn't give much thought to childcare in those days. I cared about my career and my hobbies, as well as partner, family and friends. I am a teacher. I trusted qualified professionals could well do (or even better) what I could do at home.

For some reason, everything changed after I had our daughter last year. My husband and I are both European but from different countries, involving two languages and two cultures. The idea of bringing in a helper from another culture and with another native tongue was somehow against my inclinations. Also from countries where, unfortunately, education, whether it be school or higher, does not have the standards of either of our two countries. This is an overlooked fact by many families in HK.

But as other forms of childcare are not available, we set off to hire a helper with the idea that I would do 2/3 days outside work after baby was 6 months. We found an excellent helper, who could speak good English, knew nursery rhymes, was fast and aware of security issues around the home (to a certain extent, as with anyone), etc.

After a week, I decided against working outside the home more than 3 hours a week (what I do now), after two months we found another caring expat family who loved our helper and was ready to take her.

I have never taken a better decision in my life. We have a part-time cleaner, whom I know from before and trust beyond capability levels, but who is mainly in charge of cleaning and laundry. She is welcome to establish a caring relationship with my baby, with my help and which I support.

I found that having a baby to let someone else take care of them was unfair to the baby and ridiculous on my side. I had wanted this baby more than anything in the world and there was I, about to leave her to someone for her to teach her how to be. I know no one can replace the mother or father. I also know I am the best person to educate her, 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week, 340 days a year (the rest, the grandparents can have her). Even if that means less clothes, less expensive hairdresser, no outings in the evening with my husband unless relatives are over, not even much tv. I do not care one bit and if I could live it over, the only thing I would do differently would be to hire the helper in the first place.

Not everyone's choice but I love my life.

Hi susi and others,

I was a nanny in NZ and in the USA. Kids often say mummy to their nanny by accident, as happens now as I teach kindergarten. It's no big deal, and kids hanging off their nanny are showing natural affection for a lady that is caring for them and loving them while mummy is at work, like an auntie or grandma would. After four days with my beautiful ( and EXTREMELY active super charged ) angels..they didn't ask for my helper once even though they do love her. But I am glad she'll be back tomorrow!

I've always left my kids with other people since they were born and they are very good with going to people and not being too clingy with me. Every mum is different but I don't have any great need to be their sole provider of comfort and assurance, I give them my all and so does my husband and our helper and my parents and my in laws. There is a saying that " It takes a community to raise a child" I like that concept a lot as we have lived in a commune setting and my eldest adored having so many adults to pick from. Our helper is a part of my family not just an employee, but I know we are very lucky.

Oh and I was against helpers before I came here too haha more just because I'm a kiwi and we have this superwoman mentality I think. And having a helper seemed way to posh for me. But no other option and I have to work part time to keep a roof over our heads here.