my 3 year old daughter refuses to eat.

I am sure you see this kind of post alot. However, I really think I am in this situation as a SEVERE minority.


My 3 and half year old daughter is 28 lbs. She's tiny, like a 2 year old size. She doesn't eat. Not a fussy eater, seriously, she doesn't eat. She drinks half a cup of milk b/c we have to threaten her, take away her toys, ground her, punish her...etc. Then she will take 3 bites of rice, or pasta. half an egg. This is one meal, 3 bites. What a child her age should eat.. she eats 1/10.


We have tried everything, and if she eats, she needs to drink water to swallow it down or she will throw up, (choking like).


She has been on medication for appetite, pedialtye, vitamins, lysine...etc.

We have made her all kinds of foods, all the ways we can, and she can order what she wants to eat. She will tell you, Pasta, rice, dumplings, soup and bread...etc. then when the food arrives, it's a battle.


She will cry for as long as you force her to eat.


I am tired of fighting with her, my helper spends about 10 hours a day coaxing her to drink her milk 3 times a day, or orange juice, or just to eat half a bowl of rice, or pasta, fish, chicken, meat, pizza...etc.


My husband used to say, let it be. Now after spending 3 days with us at home during Chinese New Year, he is also at his wits' end.... we don't want to have to scream and yell at home all the time.


I am seriously wondering if she has a medical problem that causes this.

Anyone have advice?

Don't have a great answer for you - but it does bring to mind a children's story that I read when I was little.


Mrs. Piggle Wiggle had a story about a boy who was the "slow tiny bite eater" who would just take forever and forever to finish his food.


And so what Mrs. Piggle Wiggle did was advise the parents to serve him food on successively smaller and smaller plates and continually decreasing portion size until it was literally 1 grain of rice, 1 pea, and one tiny chunk of meat.


By that time, the boy (I think his name was Dick) was soooo weak, he couldn't do anything and didn't have energy to do anything and was stuck just sitting at home and unable to eat.


and then he realized on all he was missing out on and decided that he would start eating his food.


I know that part isn't helpful, but some kids just don't like to eat.


Have you tried the traditional suggestions like allowing her to participate in the cooking?


cutting her food into interesting shapes with cookie cutters?


trying to figure out WHY she doens't like eating?


Using stories (my friend taught me this one and it works well) of animals who exhibit the same behavior as the child and sort of talking about the consequences for such behaviors. "Robbie was a dog who never liked to eat and one day - Robbie was too weak to play and he just couldn't do it." Something like that. Not too long, but just enough so she can discuss food from someone else's perspective or even as a way for her to tell you why perhaps Robbie doesn't like to eat? (and it would give you an insight into her reasons?)


A psychiatrist might tell you that possibly it's a way for her to exercise control over all the adults in her life - you, your husband your DH. And that once you stop worrying about it, she'll start eating...


Good luck...

My experience was a long time ago as my daughter is now a teenager > youngest daughter was about 3 yrs and after a period of medication for asthma, her appetite diminished for mths and the doc told me to feed her as she was underweight & arms/legs were like 2 sticks.

I recalled some of the stuff that we did:

1. porridge cooked in slow cooker ( with vege and meat), easily digested, I added Bovril/Marmite for flavour variation

2. small meals but more frequent

3. getting her to play housekeeping with Barbie; cooking meals with her playset and feeding Barbie dolls. That's when we had the opportunity to feed her.

(" One spoon for Barbie, One spoon for me").

4. Back to her milk bottle until 5 yrs. ( No harm done as teeth today in perfect shape!).

5. When Barbie lost the novelty, we changed tactics- gave her pets> 2 baby MALE rabbits to feed, so that her own meals coincide with the rabbits' feeding time. We complemented her on her care, as the rabbits grew fast so she need to catch up.

6. cheese squares (the tiny ones which comes in a box).

7. Bears jelly mould - used the Japanese jelly mould which has crabs/bears shapes to mould pudding/rice for her. She love bears. Easily purchased in Japanese dept stores.

8. Used egg ring to make egg pancakes and added 2 ears using cheese cutouts. Or make a pancake, then added shredded carrots/cheese for hair. She will then top up the eyes/draw a mouth with dried fruits, gummy bears, fruit jelly, maple syrup.

It takes time, so dont push too hard.

At over 3 years old she wouldn't normally need to be drinking milk 3 times a day - perhaps that is filling her up and she doesn't feel like solid food.


You could try cutting back the milk for a few days, don't make a fuss about her eating and see if she starts to look for something to eat herself.


Build her up with lots of small portions during the day - a big plate of food might be a big turn off for her.


Try offering cubes of cheese, small pot of yogurt, some vegetable sticks, avocado, banana, fried rice.


I leave a bowl of berries or grapes on the table and my daughter will often stop by and pop a few in her mouth.


Try and stop worrying about it, remember this is one thing she has control over and she knows it!! The more you shout, scream and make a fuss the more likely she will continue with the behaviour.


Of course you should check this out with a doctor if you think this is a physical problem.

Stop the milk! She will then eat when she gets hungry, but don't give her milk even if she cries for it.

I gave her an alternative this morning for breakfast. Ovaltine. She looked so "painful" to have to drink it. I set her a timer, gave her 20 minutes. She hardly touched it. No screaming, no yelling. At the end of the 20 minutes, I just poured it away and told her it's time for school.

She happily walked away from the table without drinking anything.


Will keep trying this.


Anyone have a good Psychologist/psychiatrist for children I can look into bringing her to consult?

My pediatricians say there is nothing wrong with her physically.

Hi Kate, Isn't ovaltine just chocolate milk? I'd try something like porridge or weetbix with milk - try focus more on solid foods. Good Luck and you did well not to make a fuss, keep trying!

@@, Ovaltine is different from Chocolate milk. Malty taste more. Anyways, We didn't fuss at all today. She still won't eat or drink much, but did take down some food today. We took away her foods and drinks, and no snacks or juices at all.


She still wants power over us during mealtimes.

Will try to keep this going for awhile...


Meanwhile, I am still looking for a psychiatrist/psychologist to consult about this.

I don't have much advice for you, but did want to say that you are not alone. My 3 1/2 yr old daughter also will not eat for almost 1 month now. I mean she literally eats almost nothing. she eats about 10 pieces of dry cereal a day and drinks nutritional drinks - thats it! I have tried everything also! Let me know if you come up with something that works!

My daughter ate a lot today.... sent her to my mother in laws... and she ate lots there.

SOmeone suggested to me that she might be bored of my helpers' and my cooking style and taste. A change in SOMEONE elses' cooking will make her more interested.


(How about restaurant foods right?) Don't ask me, I have no idea, but my daughter always willing to eat at her Grandma's place. and NEVER at home or when we go out in a restaurant.

I know it's so frustrating and this may seem hard to believe but they do come through it! After my 2nd son was born my first son stopped eating and this continued for nearly a year. The weight dropped of him. Just continue what you're doing and I'm sure your daughter will be the same, just try not to put too much pressure on her as my son used to love it when we made a fuss and it made him more stubborn and rebelious. He eats great now. Of course we still have good days and bad but it all seems to even out when you look at what he's eaten over a whole week.

Hi Kate, sorry to hear abt your daughter.


I too have a story to tell....do you think many Aisan children have small appetites? My mother was exactly like you, Kate; she brought all her 3 children to the doc regularly as she complained there must be something wrong with us 'cos we ate less than our pet kitten at home and yes, I was severely underweight and my legs were incense-stick thin (BTW that was my nickname in school). She finally stopped bringing us to the doc after the doc BANNED her from his practise. Now my sister's daughter turns out to be a carbon-copy of us, as she would eat 2 meatballs for lunch and declare she is so full she is gonna burst. My sis brought her to chinese and western doctors, only to hear the same questions, "is your daughter healthy generally?" and "are you from a family of skinny people?" Finally, we deduce that we are just small eaters and extremely picky, but we DO eat more than the average 3 meals. So we would eat something substantial (like a chinese meat bun) at 10.30am, then cake/pancake at 3.30pm and even instant noodles/fried rice before bed. and mind, we are not obsese and I dare say fairly healthy.


Sooo, do you think your daughter is the same? One question: does she have problems eating in McDonalds or KFC? Remember my sis's daughter and her 2 meatballs? well, she can easily wolf down a whole junior burger plus fries, or western dishes like spaghetti or steak. Maybe it is true that she doens't fancy your helper's cooking, or that she prefers western to chinese dishes, or that she prefers your MIL's tastier dishes. Would it help if your helper learns your MIL's recipes?


Also, my mother, out of desperation, bought this "open stomach" hearbal mixture from Eu Yan Sang for my sister's girl and she claimed it did help increase her appetite. Basically there are 5-6 beans/herbs that you boil with water and let the child drink. Not sure if you believe it but an option I guess.


I think if your daughter is generally healthy and she looks bright and active, there is nothing to worry about. I know of sooo many mums out there complaining about how little their kids are eating I figure it must be a common problem. Maybe as parents, we would want our kids to eat only the healthiest but not necessarily the yummiest food, and only during main mealtimes. Good luck!

My sister has a child like yours, a girl also. She has a serious eating problem because she was born with a lot of problems and had a tube down her throat for the first 8 months of her life. She is now healthy but the fear of food is still there.

I think backing off cause it can become such a power thing and especially little girls can use it to manipulate their mothers so much it turns into much more than just a food thing.

If she eats for her grandma, that suggests to me it's about the powerplay at home rather than not liking food or being unable to eat.

What would happen if the whole food thing suddenly got no attention at all, and all focus on it was gone, not good or bad attention but it just wasn't hardly mentioned? And you focused on all the other good things she is doing. Even if she lost weight for a while maybe she would learn that it no longer got you wound up at dinner time and it wasn't worth starving over.

I definately don't agree with force feeding children so I wouldn't go down that route.

Ok, i have a 4.5 year old daughter that weighs in at just under 14kgs.


Until she was 2 she refused to eat anything but meat for dinner and lunch NOW she eats absolutely everything and anything.


My daughter has bags of energy, always on the go and a bright little cookie too!


Personally Katetam i would ignore your daughters actions at dinner time and focus on your other children, if you have any, this way she'll get easily bored and start eating PLUS she'll also eat when she's hungry so cut out snacks too as well as the milk. What you could try is talking about her in the third person 'oh if only xxx ate some of her dinner then maybe we could all go to the park/go swimming/hv dinner a restaurant one night as a special treat but seeing as she won't eat her dinner i guess we'll leave her here with the helper', this may sound cruel but it would probably work, kids hate being left out of anything fun or anything that their siblings are doing.

Yes, it seems to be the kind of advice I am getting, and also books that I am reading.... same conclusion and suggestions. Ignore it. If she doesn't eat, leave it. She won't starve herself.


However, I just don't have to heart to let her semi-starve herself, because there were days that she hardly ate, you can see she was pale, and green looking, then 3 days later, she catches a cold or a stomach flu...etc. Then we attribute it to her being "weak" in the immune system.


Anyways, I brought her along with me to the doctor today, my family doctor because I have a cold. I casually mentioned to my doctor about how she's not eating.... guess what he said?


He said, "DO NOT FORCE children to eat. You will cause the child to hate food, and mealtimes. Resulting anorexia..." I was so shocked, I was hoping he would back me up to tell my daughter to eat...instead he told me to re-evaluate my parenting style, especially in forcing mealtimes. He said she is petite, but not looking mal-nourished. So, that's what we will try from now on..... although I feel terrible always throwing away all the foods we prepare for her that often takes 1-2 hours or careful preparation.. she STILL won't eat it.


Thanks!

Maybe ignoring her "bad" behaviour and rewarding her when she eats might help. My friend is a school teacher and when a kid is naughty, she completely ignores the child and the child HATES it! But it works a treat because he/she isn't getting the attention he/she was getting when being naughty.

Hi Katetam, I really applaud you for being so open minded. I agree with your doctor, and it fits with the experience of my teen girls, who have both had girl friends who struggled with anorexia. You really, really don't want to set things up for an anorexic child later, so try to keep meal times as family times and happy times, and literally take the emphasis OFF of weight. Also, try not to let the issue of food become a power struggle, because it's a battle you can NEVER win. Remember, it's normal for children to eat tiny meals, with many frequent meals per day. Try to keep healthy snacks out or on hand that she can pick up, and healthy drinks as well, so she can get food or drink any time she wants, at least for now. (This goes at odds with having "regular, scheduled mealtimes" but in these circumstances, it's probably a good idea.) Avoid giving anything that has sugar, because this will alter taste buds and make her crave sugar in preference to healthy, nutritious foods, as well as just supply empty calories. Also remember, that even if your child is in the 5th percentile on the growth chart, it is completely normal for some children to be that size. Plus, I think I've read there is some discussion that the "growth charts" are based on caucasian children, who tend to be bigger overall, so perhaps it's even a mistake to apply those growth charts to Asian children (I don't know what your ethnic background is, but could be a factor). As long as your dear one seems to have plenty of energy and isn't depressed, it's unlikely that she will starve herself to death, as long as she hasn't already picked up attitudes about weight or food that contribute to anorexia. I'm not an expert on anorexia, but this tends to surface in teenage girls and sometimes girls as young as age 8, so I'd talk with doctor about it but probably not worry too much unless she seems to be literally herself and avoiding family mealtimes. Just offer healthy food and trust her normal appetite mechanism to kick in when her body feels itself hungry, and trust that her normal appetite mechanism will indeed function! Also, one final idea: children often tend to follow family patterns of height and weight. I BET that if you ask your mother or your husband's mother, one or the other of you was a small, thin child as well!? Could it be that your daughter is simply following the growth pattern that is normal in your particular family's heredity? Relax. Don't let your doctor just "blow you off" if you have real concerns about her health. You might want to get a second opinion if you don't trust the first one. On the other hand, if everything else seems normal and she seems happy and healthy in general, it really is probably all quite fine!