Posted by
vginl
19 yrs ago
Hi,
I have just moved to the US to be with my now husband after two years of LDR. I have been here for a few months now and found a part-time office work for US$10/ hour. Those money honestly is just barely enough for me to support my parents and myself through school (planning on going back to school in a year). And my husband to want me contribute 1/3 of my salary into all household expenses and he will contribute 1/3 of his. He has his own business and I know he is making approximately ten times more.
Do you think this is a fair arrangement? I do not get any support emotionally and/ or financially which I feel I need since I moved here. And I find myself having to be money pinching and not be able to enjoy what I would like to (I would walk two more streets for an US$0.8 coffee to save US$0.5 if I get it in the nearest coffee shop) because I am already making that little yet have to contribute and support my family and other things...
I feel that I am all on my own... :( Am I being NOT fair or wrong to expect his consideration and support?
Please support our advertisers:
isola
19 yrs ago
I can't believe this is for real. Do such people exist? What kind of a "husband" is he to demand a third of your salary and not give you any emotional support?
Please support our advertisers:
nilu
19 yrs ago
wat ur hubby told u is 2 muchhhhh......ur husband should support the family as his doin his own business....u have to save some money for urself....dont give up...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
:( He said it is fair to have a shared account for household expenses. And Americans do that. You know that Suzie somebody, the financial adviser who advocates separate finances and prenutial agreement and all that for couples... he is in the Suzie cult.
I did contemplate of leaving because the whole episode is showing me his true nature/ personality beyond the surface of the problem itself.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
He was saying I am making better money than I was in HK which is NOT true. I made around HK$35,000/ month and 13-month salary. I also paid much less tax. But since I have just finished paying off my college loan right before I came to the US, I did not have much to save and he used that against me saying I did not have much to save anyway and I am better off with him there...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Sorry that I have to separate all the posts... he is around...
What is worst is that I can see myself turning into a complete bitch. I do not care about his business, his investments, his family or just him. And I do not feel bad about it as I am just treating the way how he treats me...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Jwm> True. No, he would not put away anything for me. It is all about his business. I also have to buy insurance for myself which is really draining my budget. I asked for his advice on the coverage and all he cared about is how he could make money out of my insurance (he is in the medical field). Household expenses are eating out in neighborhood restaurants, rent, grocery shopping, etc. and for my hobbies and shopping expenses, anything that does not concern or related to him, I pay for myself.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Yes, he made me into believing he is right and that is what is happening in the US... His brother said it was ridiculous and his response is we are the modern couple and modern couple shares finances like that...
So what should I do? How should I negotiate for something "normal" people would think is fair?
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
We talked about this before but he said he would take care of everything when I was still in HK...
And I know he is profitable... very profitable actually...
I would have no problem in contributing if I am making as much as I used to but it is hard for me to re-establish a life there and that needs money and he does not seem to understand that.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
JWM - I feel the same. I also help in his business and he does not want to let pepole know we are husband and wife because he said if people know I am his wife, if anything goes wrong, he cannot blame it on me... Say I made a mistake in scheduling an appointment, he would not feel right to say it is my wife's fault...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
All these things that are happening kind of make me not knowing what is right/ wrong/ normal anymore...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
All these things that are happening kind of make me not knowing what is right/ wrong/ normal anymore...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Huh? I support my own family from my own earnings. And I did not marry for a green card. I am a US citizen myself. I am Chinese and my family moved there when I was seven. Came back to HK for school and everything and also have been working here in HK though.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Well, Tidings, I am going through a transition period. I moved there without a job because we did not want to be apart for any longer (been two years) and I am only looking for short term support both emotoinally and financially. I am not sure why you sound so angry...
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
In fact, I insisted to move until I found something there but he said he would not wait. I am sure you would think it was very stupid of me to have moved. Anyways...
Are you still single, Tidings?
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
He always promises something but rarely delivers. Yes, that does not change. He would tell me he can change his mind.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Thanks for listening all anyways.
Please support our advertisers:
I'm sorry but there are several red flags here.
How couples divvy up the expenses depends on the couple. My spouse has his own business and earns considerabley more than me. Therefore we have an agreed amount that we each transfer to the joint account that covers food, bills etc. He pays the rent as a business expense. I take care of the household and scheduling aswell as putting in full day at the office.
By contrast, my spouses sister got into debt because she and her boyfriend shared costs 50%-50%. He had expensive tasted and she could not keep up. Needless to say they are no longer together.
Whilst my other half may contribute more financially, I pull my weight in other areas and ensure that our home runs smoothly. It is an arrangement that works for us.
What also concerns me is that he does not want to admit to people that you are his wife. It sounds very odd to me and I would challenge him on this.
It sounds like there needs to be better communication between you and your husband. Good luck.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Thanks, Vulvic. Your arrangement makes sense to me. My situation is he does not care about if the household is well taken care of. All he concerns about is his business and money. He does not care whether he would have a well cooked dinner when he goes home (I mean not his priority). So now I have grown into a bitch thinking I pay my share in everything and I am assuming EQUAL responsibility. If he cooks for himself, he has to clean (but he usually also expects me to clean). I would not do his laundry. I work longer hours than he does already and I am not working more for nothing. I am more frustrated in the fact that I have turned into such an ugly person. Deep down I feel exploited and have no outlet to release the anger and everything. I also feel right to just treat him the way he treats me.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
He has no problem to admit I am his wife but he would not volunteer the information. He would tell people I am his assistant.
Please support our advertisers:
again, you need to communicate these feelings to him. You are now in the situation where you are resentful of him and his business.
Do you still love him? Do you think he loves you?
Perhaps some couples counselling might help.
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
I did love him and still want to but I cannot possibly tell myself to love somebody like that anymore. I think he loves me (I cannot believe I just said that given the obvious) but he loves himself a trillion times more.
Please support our advertisers:
tia
19 yrs ago
Vginl, my husband lives in Australia, I am still in HK. I will make considerably more than him once we are together and this insane LDR is over.
We have talked about the money thing. We agree that household expenses (rent/utilities/food/joint savings) should be split 50/50. We have a joint account for that purpose. If our monthly expenses in Aus are $2K AUD, we'll each pay $1K. Anything above and beyond that for cash that we earn is ours. However, if it came to pass that my salary was much much more than his or one of us lost their job, I am sure we could re-evaluate the 50/50 split, which is what you do in a marriage.
Money is a touchy subject to bring up with your partner sometimes. I know that. But you have to do it. I would suggest you get a pay stub from your current work to show your, write out a list of the household expenses that you should BOTH pay and sit down and rationally talk about it.
I agree with Vulvic as well that perhaps couple's counseling could be helpful to you both.
Please support our advertisers:
I think the key is finding an arrangement that you are both comfortable with. When one partner starts dictating it's never a good thing.
Good luck.
Please support our advertisers:
Taps
19 yrs ago
Agree with Vulvic and Justin, why is he hiding your relationship, out of shame or he does not love you enough.
Is there anyone you could talk to aside from his brother, find a marriage/relationship counselor for both of you.
The earlier the better, your future is at stake.
Is he also supporting somebody, a child/children from previous relationship.
That may also explain why he is tight-fisted, but you really need to have a good talk.
Please support our advertisers:
I find it incredible that two people who are married have to even contemplate what to do about money. You are a partnership in everything and when you are happy and love each other your biggest concern is making each other happy not worrying about if your both paying your way.
My husband and I share everything, joint bank account/savings etc and we pay bills buy what we need and personal stuff out of one account. Neither of us has to ask permission to spend money but would discuss anything that was an expensive purchase of course.
You all sound like you’re in a business contract instead of a relationship with the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with.
Unfortunately It sounds like your husband is only concerned about how much money you can put into the relationship and not about you or your marriage. As Taps said his hiding the marriage sounds like there might be someone else.
I do hope things work out for you but keep your wits about you and be sure he’s worth all the upset
Please support our advertisers:
vginl
19 yrs ago
Hi all,
Thank you so very much for all the support! I really appreciate that.
We did have talks on finances before I moved to the US. He said he will take care of everything, rent, food, household expenses, etc. I said I would contribute when I found a stable full-time job. I do not think I am being unfair to want to contribute a little less when I am only making US$10/ hour. But he obviously has a problem about it.
I almost feel ashamed to write all these. Yes, marriage is about partnership and always be there for each other. He asked me if I would stand by him out if his business goes wrong. I said yes and will do what I can do without having to think about it. I feel that I am not being treated the same (or similar) way and get the care and support I deserve.
Helenahk is right. A business contract is exactly how I feel the marriage is. He is just like my roomate. As I previously mentioned, I have grown into not care about his business, investments, family, etc... who am I there for me? I had rather save the time to re-establish myself.
I am not positive at all about this marriage honestly. And I have decided to focus on myself and leave when it is the right time for me.
Thank you all again... In fact, I feel better to think I am on my own and work on re-establishing myself again instead of having a man whom I cannot count on and is making me feel miserable.
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail