post-natal depression

Hi. I am wondering if there any other moms out there that are/ or have suffered from post-natal depression that would be willing to talk about their situation with me? I have a 2 month old baby and my GP has diagnosed me with depression. Although I am getting professional help, I think it would be helpful to talk to other moms who have had this- how did you deal with it and how long did it take for you to get rid of it?


As a side note, if there's anyone out there with a young baby living in The Belcher's or in Kennedy Town, would you be interested in getting together for a tea/ coffee? I think I've been a bit isolated which isn't helping.


Thanks for any feedback.

you are not alone for sure. Many women suffer from post partum/natal depression including celebrities (Brooke Shields who wrote a book about her experience) and now this issue is finally being given the press that I think it deserves.


I found that the public hospitals in HK did a good job following up to make sure you were feeling all right (someone from QMH called me every week post, and then the midwives always asked me when I went for my visits for my baby how I was doing) and I felt that although not super detailed, would give people a chance to talk about it.


You should talk about it, and not hide it. Seek your help, try and meet others (you might look under the playgroups thread for more mothers in your area.)

I've never been diagnosed as having post-natal depression. but i think so many of us feel so blue in the beginning some of us actually think it is so much common but with the image of the glowing earth mother and beautiful baby, you can't really talk to anyone about it. but believe me, there were days when I seriously wondered if I needed professional help. Those were seriously dark days when baby was pretty young - you wake up trying to feel positive but that dark cloud never quite disappears and the entire day just spirals downwards.


I cried alot during that time but I think things definitely got better as baby got older and I got to know alot more mums and we started having regular playdates. It also helps that these mums don't act like everything is perfect. I know it sounds so mundane but if you are a stay-home-mum, you should always go out, even to the supermarket once a day.


It's great you have taken the step to see someone professional. At the same time, take the initiative to meet other mums _ i met so many just by chatting up any woman who had a baby in the same cafe, you will be surprised at how happy they are to talk to someone in a similar situation!


One thing, there are times if the baby is crying and you are just going to blow your top, PUT BABY IN COT AND WALK AWAY until you feel calmer. he might continue to cry but if he is safe in his own cot, it is better than to be in the arms of a very distressed mum.


last thing - don't be afraid to cry, it definitely made me feel better as it helped to release tension.


if you get the right help and take the right steps, it will get better. my baby turns one this weekend, it's such a milestone for us as we have definitely come a long way!

I agree totally with you Wheeleymate. My little girl is now 5months old and I have had moments of total sadness and feeling overwhelmed. In my case it was down to sleep deprivation and dealing with the rigours of work, home and relationships.


I do not have PND but I really thought I did at one point. I wish more mums would be honest about their true feelings post partum - it is possible to love your child and have moments of regret. your life changes dramatically and you have to adjust accordingly. I also have feelings of resentment towards my spouse at times as I feel like I am the one that makes all the sacrifices and whereas his life carries on regardless, seemingly unchanged.


Apparently these feelings are normal amongst 1st time mums the problem is that most of the baby books don't warn you about it - they only paint a rosey picture of motherhood.


I love Brooke Shields - I think she has really given PND the recognition it deserves and has saved millions of mums from suffering in silence.

Kilwinning, we all have been through it so you are not alone. i was not officially diagnosed with one but i believe i had a mild case of PND. i spent my first 3 months crying and fighting with my husband. my boy was a fussy baby, with the lack of experience, lack of sleep and lack of help, i really felt that i was losing my mind. so much so that at some point of time i felt like throwing my son out of the window. what really helped is keeping yourself occupied, good support system from family members ( especially husband ) and talk to someone about it. i went to the matilda mother and baby group and there, i met some friends. i told them how i felt and they were sympathetic and very friendly. next, i occupied my everyday with going out meeting up with friends, having lunch with friends, going to the park etc so that time goes faster and easier. i find that i feel more depressed being cooped up in the house. and trust me, as the baby gets older, it gets easier and you will start to enjoy motherhood. so hang it there, and talk to someone when you feel depressed.

I too feel I might have a bit of PND during the first 6 months after baby's birth. In my case, being lonely (I literally didn't get out of my front door and didn't talk to another soul for days on end and it doesn't help that my husband travelled overseas for work) and being helpless are the two key things that got me down. The sun literally shines again the second we hire a live-in full-time helper. I don;t know how to articulate this but I just feel a burden lifting off my chest when I realise there is another person who can take care of my baby. Are you caring for your child alone? If so, perhaps it is a good idea to get a helper. Step aside and let your helper care for your baby when you feel onset of depression. I can recall two terrifying episodes when I felt like throwing my baby across the wall when she wouldn't stop crying. Luckily my husband was home and after I told him these horrible thoughts, I handed him the baby, walked out of the house and cried my eyes out. Also, I burnt the phone lines every single day talking to my parents in Australia whenever baby napped and that really really helped. I wish you all the best.

Wow, you are taking such a positive step to talk about it and also to get out to try and find other moms to meet with and talk with! What a good move! One of my close friends had PPD. She taught me that it's very tied up with hormones etc, so moms and their caregivers can't always just assume she'll "get over it" by self-help. So if you do end up needing more help, please ask for it! My friend checked herself into a hospital for a few days -- actually her family intervened and took her when she was so despondent -- but that got her over the hump and she was grateful. But there certainly is a lot of adjustment involved in new motherhood, even without the physical part. There's just so much -- every dream we take on involves giving up others, plus baby is so needy and as you say, the day and night aspect can be challenging. And the physical changes, wow. One of the kindest remarks a stranger has ever said to me was to whisper in my ear, "Don't worry, the stretch marks fade." Because at the time, I was mortified to discover it looked like a freight train had run all over my belly. Even after the initial newborn period, I postponed a lot of things, waiting for life to "get back to normal." Believe it or not, my baby was about nine months old before I realized, they weren't ever going to get back to "normal"! But the new reality turned out to have so much joy and delight, in spite of the many challenges. Keep a diary and take a lot of pictures, because these days which seem so long are, in fact, so short and pass so quickly in the grand scheme of life. Accept all offers of help, get out and meet new moms, be kind to yourself, lower expectations (we ate a lot of takeout, dug clean laundry out of the pile in the spare bedroom). And by the time baby #3 came along, we really knew the prime rules of coping: #1 priority in the whole house is for mom to get enough sleep. Including, mommy naps when baby naps during the day! #2: enlist dad or helper to get you at least 1/2 hour of free time every day, time completely to yourself to do whatever you want. #3: exercise every day; a good brisk walk with baby is one idea of many. #4: enjoy time with friends, ignore each others' messy houses; have adult time and even read books together and discuss them or something that lets you feel like your mind is still active. Babies can have "playgroup" while mommies have sane, adult time. Final rule: enjoy your baby, they really are little only once! And besides, it's spring! Very soon, your baby will enjoy putting on a bonnet and riding in a sling to go explore the world with you!

Mummy 2005 - I am at that place now with my husband. The sadness and fighting has got so bad that we are now getting counselling.


My problem seems to one of pressure - I am back at work full-time(only 10 wks maternity here!), my hubby is away Mon-Fri every week so we have lost our 'connection' and I have a gorgeous 5 month old baby at home who I only see for 2 hours in the morning and during the weekends. I may not be at home taking care of her all day but it doesn't stop me thinking of her every minute, and every minute I miss her. Also my helper does not live-in so it's usually just me on my own at night with the little un. I go to sleep early every night but it's more from loneliness than fatigue.


The sleep thing is musch better now as she has started sleeping through the night which is a BIG help but I still have moments where I feel that I have no time for ME. I am constantly rushing - to work, home, the supermarket etc.. There never seems to be any time for me to sit back and take a breath.


We discussed me going part time and hubby seemed so supportive about that but now he seems to have backtracked on that and I feel like my support has been snatched away. I desperately want to spend more time with my baby and my husband but I just don't see how that can happen.


He feels that all I do is complain and that all the problems lie with me and my hormones but I refuse to accept that the problem is solely mine.


I have explained that the complaints will continue until something gives and I am feeling increasingly unloved and unloveable in my present state of mind. I am waiting for the day when he decides he'd rather be in China than with me.


All through this, my daughter is a happy sunny baby, I don't know what I'd do without her..........but I still mourn my relationship with my husband.


I feel like I am at my wits end.

Wow Vulvic, who says the life of an expat isn't hard?! Even when I was working f.t. myself I didn't know how moms did it. I at least had a hubby who came home at night and actually pitched in with things, and it was still hard, always too much to do and never enough time. It seems that even in the best of circumstancs, a working mom constantly burns the candle at both ends and has no time for herself. I only have three ideas, but I hope you might find them useful. One: you know how on the airplanes it says to put the oxygen mask on yourself before the kid? If you and your hubby lose your relationship, the baby loses too. Try to focus on that relationship, consciously try to build some fun time together no matter how much other stuff tries to crowd in. Remember that the baby years are the hardest on every marriage, but this too shall pass. Two, see if you can get hubby to pitch in on weekends to give you a bit of a breather for yourself. I remember one of my guy friends used to take the morning shift every Saturday morning -- it was his time for "quality daddy baby time" -- while mommy (working f.t.) got much needed rest and even sometimes breakfast in bed. He also sterilized the weekly supply of bottles and did some catch-up kinds of things like that, which made life a bit easier during the week. Third, is a mental thing. I know you miss your baby, I did too, terribly. But do everything you can to ensure she is well cared for (I assume you have a great helper) and then think happy thoughts about it: Instead of thinking how much you miss her, think about how she is really doing well and realize that her life really is "her life." Hopefully, if you have things set up well with a good helper, she doesn't miss you! If she is well cared for by a competent and loving helper, that's like her auntie and though she loves you and always will, that helper is also her good friend and she will not be unhappy. Get the helper to do the drudgery type things, and you focus on spending your two hours per day together doing things that are special to the two of you together. In hindsight (and I guarantee I'm a lot older than most of the folks on this bb!) my girlfriends with the most successful careers are the ones who had really excellent helpers, and whose helpers took care of both mommy and baby through thick and thin, sometimes working long hours to do it and / or living in. Some of my friends children are well grown and their helpers are still very much "part of the family" -- still come in to help manage the household, cooking and cleaning and following after the kids and making sure the kids are fine -- like aunties who double check to make sure the laundry is folded and to remind the kid to pack his sunscreen for his beach trip. Having a full time helper to take over large portions of household management is just a different way of life, not a bad way of life and not depriving your kid of a parent. Just make sure you have a good helper, and see if she can stick around long enough during the day to nurture you a bit -- make sure supper is fixed, groceries are in house, that mommy has food to eat, etc. As baby grows, hopefully your helper will be the kind of person who can take over even more of what comes along, like carrying child to swimming lessons and supervising to make sure homework gets done (so that you don't have to manage that when you get home from work). Sorry I always write long posts, but bottom line is 1: relationship with hubby, work really hard o that. Understand how much pressure he has traveling into China 5 days a week and how hard it is for him to leave his family as well. 2: having a great helper. If helper isn't good, change NOW before you have a tremendous amount invested in one who isn't good.

Meiguoren, thankyou so much. I feel so guilty after writing that post, I sound like such a whinger. The problem is I have nobody to vent to about these things so I'm afraid you all got it.


Your ideas are spot on - I really want to focus on the relationship and we are seeing a counsellor to tackle this. It is my priority as I want our little girl to have as full a family as possible but most importantly, I love my husband and don't want to lose him.


We have the greatest helper, she really puts my mind at ease and my baby is so happy with her. Fortunately I don't have any jealousy about that and know that my little girl is being well taken care of.


For all the other mundane things, I am starting to delegate which helps a lot. Asking for 'me' time is still a bit of a problem as weekends are the only real time I have with the baby and my hubby - I need to work on that.


Thankyou again and will let you know how we get on.

vulvic,


no you're not a whinger, i think what you expressed are perfectly normal and i am impressed you are coping with all these on top of a full time job.


"me" time - you should have that. if hubby is travelling, can you pay your helper extra to stay a few more hours in the evening so that you can catch up with some girlfriends? i know this means you won't see your little baby - she won't notice that mummy didn't tuck her in for ONE NIGHT BUT BELIEVE ME, it will do you alot of good. and i know it's so hard but at 5 months and as you said she's sleeping through, it's a good time to have little life of your own again. i have a bunch of mummy friends that we have regular playdates with but we also do a mums' night out when we can. it feels wonderful to get all dressed out to eat in a nice restaurant without baby, even if the whole evening's conversation still more or less revolves around them.


another "me" time - if your girl is napping on a regular basis, these few hours you can just nip out to do your hair or whatever during the weekend. hubby can stay in so that you get this time alone and then you can all reunite and spend rest of day together when baby is awake.


best of luck, mine turns one this saturday but these overwhelming emotions you must feel now is still very fresh to me and there are some days when i still get teary when i recall what it was like in the beginning!!

hi girls,


this post brings back so many memories of that after birth period.....and yes my husband and i went through a very tough time together with our little one.

I know I was very hormonal after the baby and verging on PND, crying alot and feeling very very depressed and helpless with my baby. The problem was compounded by the fact that he had silent reflux and was refusing to drink milk to the point that it was worrying, and instead cried every time he saw the bottle.

This effect on me was absolutely devastating - imagine how inadequate I felt as a mother when I couldn' even give my own child milk, from either breast or bottle.

The effect on my husband was equally devastating - he could see me crying constantly, but when he tried to do the same he would lose patience with the little one, or I would shout at him that he wasn't feeding him properly...and thus we would end up arguing constantly.

I went back to work after 11 wks feeling completely lost and miserable and it wasn't until I finally found a doctor who diagnosed my son's problem correctly (believe me, there were some very ignorant doctors out there) that a light appeared at the end of the tunnel.

I was fortunate in that I had a superb helper who has no end of patience with our baby, and she would calmly take over when I was about to crack or breakdown, and she never ever lost patience with the little one. To this day, he's not a good eater but again, she perseveres and never says a cross word to him, and although i do get jealous feelings sometimes, I know for a fact that she helped us tremendously throughout our darkest days just after childbirth.


Girls, please do what you need to to feel better. If you need your helper to help out feeding, bathing etc, then let her so you can concentrate on a bit of 'me' time. Plan fun things with your children but when you come home, let the helper take over for a little while if you just need to sit down for a few minutes. No one is going to criticise you - your main critic is your child, and he/she will love you whatever and more so every day, whether you bath him or change his nappy every time. At the end of the day, it's about you and if you feel better about/within yourself, then others around you will too.

Thankyou all so much for replies. I really feel like I am going mad sometimes and ir is reassuring to know that I am not the only one and that it will get better.


Have finally booked so me time - Am getting my nails done tomorrow night and planning a bit of shopping for Sat afternoon.


Thanks so much

Vulvic

Thanks also for the responses. Like Vulvic, planning some more "me" time (was having one day every 1.5 weeks), have made plans to get together with another mom in my building, thinking about getting a live-in helper and also plan to visit my parents with the baby for a couple of weeks soon for a change of scenery and additional help (husband working outside HK about 50% of the month).

take a deep breath and said 'im the most luck women' keep positif...