Living with mother-in-law

First, I think it's important that you vent and talk about your feelings, because living with any in law, no matter how wonderful they are is difficult. It's not an easy thing, and I understand how difficult it is for you. My own father in law passed a month ago, and I will be taking on the duties of living with my own mother in law (I've done short periods with her before but nothing long term) and I'm not entirely looking forward to the loss of my own personal freedom, independence and private time with our original foursome.


My parents are really wonderful and understanding people as my mother in law, in many ways is far more - "old fashioned" in her thinking and actions. She often jars my own sense of what is right with her seemingly archaic ideas of the way the world should run. (a lot of them having to do with my treatment of HER son - my husband.) I've often vented to my parents the difficulty of dealing with her and how she's so not like my own parents and whatnot. I've got my own war stories which I won't go into, and many of them have brought me to the edge of wanting to leave my husband because he didn't take my side or protect and defend me.


My parents, however, reminded me very gently that although she may do things that are totally crazy, insane, nonsensical and unreasonable - she is older, lived a harsher and more difficult life than I could possibly imagine, and has struggled with things that I will never deal with. And this, in turn, has shaped the person that she is - and she is, also, the person that has helped mold the man whom I love. And so for those reasons, I should respect and try and love and make her life as pleasant as possible while she is alive.


Your baby will benefit from the love of a grandparent. I think the hygiene things are less important - although seemingly disgusting - I think we over emphasize hygiene. dust - unless your baby is allergic, won't kill him, bits of food on her clothes won't hurt him, and unless she is sick or sneezing or coughing - I actually wouldn't let it get to you too much. There are some studies which show that OVER cleaning, over sterilizing, over bleaching and whatnot has actually led to the increase of allergies in our society as it has forced the body to be unfamiliar with ANY little thing, therefore causing the body to attack those things it shouldn't. (an allergic reaction.) I actually see my own two baby girls often picking up bits of food off of the floor - and although I don't actually recommend that they eat off of our floor regularly, when it happens, it happens and they don't get sick from it. It's seemingly a cultural thing - my own grandmother is appalled at the amount of food I deem "unfit" for food, as she is from a generation that ate EVERYTHING due to starvation, hunger and whatnot. Eating food of the floor isn't going to kill your son either.


the things I would actually gently try to talk to her about are the cooking while holding him (very dangerous.) Perhaps she feels that there is no other option? DO you have an exersaucer she can put him in while she cooks? Perhaps if she has this as an option, she won't cook while holding him?


Also, if this is her home, and you are living in it - I'd ask her if you could open up some of your boxes of stuff and make this an environment you'd be happy in. My mother's one piece of advice for dealing with inlaws (she herself lived with her own mother in law for 15 years while taking care of 3 kids, in the US no help) is ask them their opinion. She says that the older generation often feels inconsequential and useless - and if you can give them moments of feeling useful, that just does so much for the psyche and well being. Ask her for her advice about where you can put your things -ask her her advice about how you should feed your baby (although you may disagree) and ask her what she'd like to do, what she'd like to do. In the meanwhile, it seems that moving out is not an option for you, so making the situation more liveable for you and your mother in law seems to be the only answer. Your mother in law only wants to help with your baby - she's not trying to make things more difficult for you -and since you're not at home with him, isn't it nice that someone is helping looking out for him? (we've got to think about the positives as much as possible.)


Once you focus on some of the positive aspects of living with her, it will help you deal with the more negative aspects. IT sounds as if you'll just have to make it work -and surviving this time period is key...so just keep trying...


Goodluck...no one said it was easy.

I lived with my MIL right out of getting married. So i understand how hard it is for you Puppyrab. I am a white american and my MIL is a very old fashioned chinese woman... That in itself is huge enough let alone living together. To this day she still reminds me of how *chinese people do things* she just came for a visit and i wanted to beat my head against a wall. It caused fights between my husband and me.



Best thing you can do is talk to your husband. tell him how you feel what you see and how you want it changed. Men are very 'what do you need me to fix' tell him how you want it done. I told my husband upfront either he stands up for me rather then being silent when his mother screams at me or i was leaving. Took him a bit and i actually packed and was leaving and he realized and tried to fix the problem. We ended up moving out even though financially we werent ready. However, i feel that if we had stayed there i would have divorced my husband.



Now my mother in law was very abusive with words and fists so that was mainly the problem.



As for holding baby and cooking. My MIL did that too and i just had to take the baby out of her hands and tell her she cant do that.


My domestic worker was holding my 2nd and burned her arm. I wasnt home when it happened but she had a huge oil mark on her shirt and when i gave her a bath that evening she had a huge ugly blistery burn on her. I was so upset i flipped out. So, it is dangerous and she needs to know that.



I wish you the best. In time it does get better and when you do move out its gonna be tough and part of you will wish that she was still there. Even i miss my MIL. Haha we dont fight as much now that we live in 2 differnet countries.



Good luck hun and remember talk to your husband.

Thanks, hkchoichoi, your mother-in-law has the same background as mine. She is out all afternoon everyday even when she is ill with her friends for mahjong, card games, shopping etc and hence only see my son in the morning and evenings. She also has the habit of napping an hour or two at her friend's place to ease her tireness and we find this appalling as there are men around. My husband works from home and looks after our son most of the time.


She comes home to do the cooking around 7pm. She does put my son in a walker but he just wails for her attention (as everytime he cries she picks him up so I guess he got used to this)and in the end she picks him up again as she hates letting him cry on. I've have told her that the cooking can be done a bit later or she can ask the maid help out, however, as usual she likes to dig in than rather watch and does not trust the maid (she has been hearing stories from her friends that maid puts all sorts in the soup or food).


I have been living with my mother-in-law for 4.5 years now and like yours, she is a very traditional hardworking woman and likes to look after her family. I do respect her hence have compromised on many occasions but sometimes I can't and know that I am right. She needs face most of the time - I think this is normal for her generation but I am worried that one day I will flip and let rip.


The reason for moving out or what I suggested before about selling the house and buying 2 smaller ones preferably without a garden is that if my mother-in-law has nothing to do she climbs trees to chop down jackfruit or tidy up, do other dangerous acts like climbing a ladder on her own. My husband including her daughter has told her off many times for doing these things and touch wood should any accidents occur it will be us who will suffer. She still doesn't listen and I think it will have to take one accident to occur inorder for her to stop doing these things. We tell her to ask the maid to do it and she says the maid is not capable of doing it so my husband does it instead to keep her happy even though it was not necessary. She has broken her knee once and has pins in it. She has already told us before my son was born that she is not capable of looking after a baby so I do not expect her running around after him. My son is very active and even bathing him tires her out (she has only done this once). I do my fair share after work and every weekend to give my husband a rest from caring for our son.


Sometimes, it is really all out of our control - she is getting old but thinks she is still capable of doing lots of things.

sorry for the confusion - should have used bbvv and not puppyrab - puppyrab account used to be my old nickname. will have to delete my puppyrab account.

BBVV - was about to hassle you about two login names.


you're in a tough spot - I think all you can do at this point is vent though. Sounds as if nothing much is going to change in the immediate future.


try and think about the good side - at least your mother in law is out doing some other things and now always at home with your son.


at least your mother finds some occupation to keep her happy so she's not always making your feel guilty for not entertaining her. (mine does this a bit.)


at least your mother in law wants to help out in the kitchen (mine doesn't try when I'm around, but is willing to help her daughter.)


trying to keep it positive, but I'm ready to let rip too! hahah - vent here, respect at home...you wont' win any favors by losing it with her - and from experience, it actually does no good.

Hi Verellene, I have spoken to my husband about my feelings and he understands how I feel. I'm not as brave as you and do not want to put pressure on my husband. Most of the time my husband sides with me and do the telling off on my behalf so that it doesn't sound bad on me.


Just glad that I work full-time and not stuck at home facing my mother-in-law all the time - it was hard when I was on maternity leave and returning to work was a breather for me.

some old people are dirty but try to appreciate their good side,mabbe not so bad after all.my mlw wipes her hand with her clothes,her mouth on her clothes,but we all love her dearly for she takes so good care of our kids.

Well, yesterday didn't go off good. Ended up raising my voice as my MIL was carrying my son one hand (just the bum part - I normally carry him my arms across his back as he has been arching his back alot playfully) and the other hand doing stuff in the kitchen. I said that I don't want to keep telling her not to do stuff in the kitchen whilst carrying the baby cooking as it's dangerous. I said that you can either ask me or the maid to help out or put the baby in the walker. We went out for lunch and she cried infront of our other relatives (she did not give a reason when they asked why she was in tears) and at that point I had no sympathy for her. We did not talk for the rest of the day. It is getting hard being around her and my husband says that he is finding it hard too and most of the time we do not say anything to avoid upsetting her. Sometimes, I feel like threatening her that I will move out to make a point of these disagreements but I'm not that kind of harsh person hence bottling up these feeling inside me. Really don't know what to do...

I really feel for you and can understand how upsetting this can be.

Have you thought about getting a third person (a friend or outsider) to witness and tell her what she is doing in the kitchen is very dangerous?

From experience, my FIL would always disagree with family on certain health issues and refuse to take medication when needed, but if a friend or an outsider spoke to him about these issues, he would then change his mind and take his medication. Sometimes elderly people will not listen to family but will listen to outsiders.

Good luck.

Just reading the thread, I'm not putting two and two together. There are two people in the kitchen, or in the house. Why not one hold baby and the other cook? If she insists on cooking supper, perhaps that exact time of day could be mommy-baby time. Instead of communicating the idea "you are bad, I'm taking baby away," it could be communicated as, "I've been away all day and I can't wait to hold Junior"

So far it has been a family thing and my husband's sister has spoken to her on numerous occasions. MIL says ok ok but it's very often back to square one and she does it all over again after a couple of days. She slipped a couple of weeks ago and would not go and see a doctor despite her pain and in the end we resorted to her daughter who persuaded her to see one. She listens to her daughter but on this problem she just can't seem to change her ways. Everytime when her daughter and family visits, there is always something that her mother do that is dangerous or out of proportion that her daughter tells her off in the end. I understand that she is elderly - she is 70 years old but we are only asking her to change 3 or 4 things. It's not a lot to ask but she's stubborn and thinks that she is capable. She keeps saying that she has raised her own 4 children without problems but she never told me (my husband told me this)that she managed to break her daughter's arm through discipline - she does not know her strength. She had a tough life and does everything aggressively.


I think letting a friend witness would be very difficult - she's a different person when someone not a family is around and is all sweet, softer voice tone polite and does not swear. She swears a lot over the phone with her mahjong friends and this is everyday - another concern for me in the future for my son.


I think she will think bad of me if an outsider is involved. I don't want a complete no-talk situation with my MIL. Her elder daughter-in-law suggested to move in with us for the sake of her son's bad behaviour at school and my husband and I said a straight no as we can't possible have another family living under the same roof. They are very laid back family and it's a nightmare living with them - ok in small doses - even MIL can't stand living with them. Elder daughter-in-law is like a dragon. So I'm a walkover compared to her but at this rate it's turning me into a harder person again - I used to be like this when I was in UK as I was very independent.

Meiguoren, this often happens when my husband picks me up from work from the the station on weekdays. I come home and see MIL already cooking with the baby in her arms. I tell her that there is no need in rushing for dinner. We have a maid but she does not trust her to help out with the cooking or that it's not as tasteful as her own cooking. I end up taking the baby off her immediately. She has a couple of times given our baby to the maid to carry but most of the time the maid is busy herself as MIL wants her to complete her duties. Our maid arrived at the beginning of the month and is very slow. We hired her to primarily clean our house as my husband works from home so he cares for our baby most of the time. MIL goes out everyday to social which I'm all for - I do want her to enjoy her life. I take over with caring for the baby when I come home from work, e.g bathing, feeding etch - I just love having mummy-baby time. Sometimes, I even make home-made purees when the baby is asleep as I like leaving the weekends free to go out as a family.

It sounds like a lose/lose situation for you BBVV. You cant stop h er from doing it, You cannot move out, She doesnt listen to reason. Alot of us have given suggestions but they just wont work? I understand. Its a very hard situation to be in. I feel for you and i hope things improve.



Daddy long legs - you havent spoken to yours for 4 years? How does your husband/wife feel about that? I didnt talk to mine for a year. But once i had my first baby she loosened up alot.



Inlaws are probably one of the most difficult family members to deal with as they arent blood to you but you still have to deal/tolerate them.



hardest thing for me was the culture difference. I being american and she being an old fashioned cantonese woman. I hated being told how chinese do it and because i was american i never did it right. It hurt me deeply each time she said it because i dont see white/yellow asian/cauasian. I see people. We are all people. We have two eyes, two hands etc...



Anyway BBVV i wish you the best and hope you find a suitable way to get through this.

Thanks, Verellene,


Hope the situation do improve as I hate the idea of my son losing contact with grandparents. My parents being in UK is already a distant to my little one but we do catch up with each other on the webcam every weekend so that he does know what they look like. We are visiting UK this summer so am really looking forward to seeing my parents who are alot more understanding.


I remember as a child that we did not really see much of our grandparents with us being in UK and them in HK so we weren't always that close. I think grandparents are important in babies lives.


Good luck to me too.

i think if you can afford,why not try moving out to lessen the tensions?

We can afford to move out just that as mentioned before, she cannot live alone in her own big house (6 bedrooms) even with a maid around - she has always been scared on her own at night-times. My husband will not leave her on her own either as since the death of her husband over 2 years she becomes withdrawn and cry when she is on her own. She used to have a maid sleep in the same room as her. We hardly mention father-in-law and there are no photos in the house to remind her of him. She has always had her family living around her. We often have this situation when we have to go out for my side of relatives for festive dinner in the evenings. There has been a few times whereby my husband had to leave early to attend to her. Sometimes we have to ask her 2nd married son to spend the night with her to make sure that she is ok. Her 2nd son lives in Shenzhen.


She is not willing to let go of her house yet - we suggested buying 2 smaller ones maybe next to each other so that we can still see each other but live separately.