Posted by
mumof2boys
19 yrs ago
Hi all, I know that I have always been pro helpers and I am grateful to God for my lovely helper.
BUT I have just discovered that the last two nights my son who is two has been going into her room at night saying he wants to sleep with her because he is scared. I was so upset that he went to her and not me and now I have to face up to the household habits we are developing and change alot of my routine so my two boys have very clear understanding that our helper is there for them in the mornings when I am at work but after that I am the one they come too for emotional support. He also started to call her mummy and me the nickname he has for her by accident just int he last week.
I realised that in the last two months we've had sooo many visiotrs and people I've had to give attention to I just haven't had enough time with them. Has anyone else had similiar experiences and what did you do to change the home dynamics so your helper stayed int he background once you were home. We have a good relationship but I am not very assertive with her and have been too laid back I think.
I have been so sad today thinking about my boys and how distracted I've been from them.
Also my 2 year old son started to wake in the night the last week which he has never done and I
am worried that he is getting insecure or something.
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hkmeg
19 yrs ago
I'm sure this isn't uncommon. Continue to view your helper as part of the team caring for your children. When you are home, be around your children and maximize your quality time with them. A good book on the QT topic is "Holding Time" by Martha Welch. Also, you should be the one to respond to your child if he wakes in the night. So I would suggest for you to be assertive with your kids and focus your attention on them rather than your helper. Just my opinion. Good luck!
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i agree with hkmeg. spend more time with your children and be the one to respond to them whenever you are at home. You may also have to make it clear to your helper that you will take care of them when you're at home and your helper should also understand that the children's attention should be directed to you if they go to her for comfort. Call your kids from work. Play with your children, take them out etc. I dont know if you're the one that gives them baths but if you do it will help bonding.
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Well things have been better. I hardly had to say anything to my helper she was very good when I mentioned wanting her to kind of not be hands on with the kids in the afternoons and evenings when I am home. things have gone well although they both have a tummy flu now boo. and yeah I am doing more even though I'm exhausted sometimes after working all morning with two year olds. It's worth it to maintain the relationships and keep the bond strong.
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My 2 year old calls us both mommy and Ayi which is what we call our helper. She also says daddy to both of us too. Our last helper was with us a year i had to replace her to due to some issues however, kids always know who their mommy is even if accidently they accidently say something different.
When i was younger i kept accidently calling my Kindergarten teacher Mommy at school. I was around 6 years old but sometimes it just slipped out because i was used to saying " Hey mommy look at my picture do you like it?" and when i would show my teacher "Mommy" would just slip in there too or when i needed something.
I would suggest spend more time with them. Show them how much you love them by reading to and with them, do an art and crafts with them. Bake or cook something together where you all make it and have fun doing it. Something where you are alone with your kids having fun and playing.
I wish you luck and know its normal. You arent being a bad mother and she isnt taking your job as mom.
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Hi Mumof2boys - I totally feel for you. Well I ain't experiencing something like that yet coz my son is just 5 months old. What's similar is that we also have a very lovely helper who is a God send taking good care of my family and very attentive to my son. She's sooo good that I actually developed this insecure feeling since baby was born. I tried to stick with him and be there as much as I can and play with him. But I also had to allow my helper to bond with him as I'd be back to work (just started working this week) Now my son loves seeing me as well as my helper. He smiles as instantly when he sees me as when he sees my helper (while for other strangers it'll take a much longer while). I should feel happy as I know my son is in good hands while I'm away. But I just cannot get rid of this insecure feeling and slight jealousy when I see helper playing happily with my son. I just can't help it. I've just started working and I'm going to miss the time when he's most active and attentive during the day. I can just make it back home to offer the last feed every day. I don't know if one day my son will also call her Mommy...
I know there are always gives and takes. The day I've decided to get back to work, I know I'm going to miss the bonding in day time. But I need to make a living too.
How can I get rid of this feeling? Convince me pls - that baby will never mix up nanny and mommy...
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addis
19 yrs ago
Dear mumof2boys & Nicher,
You feeling upset or that tinge of jealousy when you see your child(ren)'s attachment to the nanny is understandable and you probably think it is because you are away at work and not with them 24/7. Well, let me tell you that even though I am a stay-at-home mom and our helper does not stay with us, my 27 mo is really attached to her. Our kids sleep in our room and I do not go out anywhere without the kids but still, he spends a lot of time with her (almost 12 hours--because I also have an 8 mo who is breastfed and therefore, needs my attention). He sometimes calls out her name in his sleep and, on waking up in the morning, invariably asks for her.
So, my point is, it can happen even if you are at home - unless otherwise your helper never has to take on the role of a nanny.
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As Addis said, unless your helper doesnt take on the role of a nanny the child will naturally develop a strong bond with the helper/care-giver, and vice versa.
If you're working you'll need a maid (unless you can find a family member to do this) to look after the baby, if you're not working you can decide not to have a maid and therefore no worries about nanny/mummy confusion / jealousy. However having a maid even if you're not working can give you more time with the baby, hubbie, household management and of course time for yourself.
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Agree with above posts. And am at peace with it today as I know I have spent some quality time with my child over the last week. Even though he is confusing our names I remembered that this is normal even for my two year olds at school who call me mummy sometimes though I only teach them for 4 hours a day.
I had a tummy bug this week and couldn't do anything for two days and I have never been more grateful to God for our helper who had to do everything. times like that you definately don't look back on having a helper! And I heard my boys asking for me constantly so I know that even when with her they want me as well.
time for yourself.....haha daffodil even with a helper and working only part time I have yet to manage slotting that into my life here in Hong Kong!
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re. last para. mumof2boys
I agree well we only can try (imagine perhaps!) to have some time to ourselves.
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