Parents - any insight?

My friend just told me her friend's former DH is very sickening! (this is not urban legend! I heard her on the phone with her friend)

Her friend has a 3 years old, this morning, he saw his father changed. The kid asked his father, "how come you have hair under arm?", the kid then said he saw hair on the DH before, but it's not the under-arm area! (but THERE, sorry that I am too disgusted to spell out everything!!!)


This DH left this household 2 months ago, as the lady of the house found out this DH had some sex toys. But she never connect the dots or even doubt that this DH might do something to her kid.

Anyhow, I am expecting w/ a boy too, and I have a DH.

What can I do to prevent such thing to happen?

What to watch out?

Can I give out warning or even terminate the DH if i found out she has sex toys? If so, but on what base though?

Anyone knows any good child psychotherapist for this poor 3 years old? His father didn't dare to ask this 3 years more questions regarding the subject matter (as it's best left to the professional to handle this).


Any thought?


Thank you so much.

I actually disagree with the idea of a professional asking the questions. Parents have a better chance of getting the answers out of a 3 year old than a complete stranger no matter what the circumstances. Very general, open ended questions are the way to go. "So - when you saw her hair, what did she do?" or "When did you see the hair?" "How many times have you seen the hair?" Calm, rational, don't get upset but give the child a chance to just share the experience. Get the story. It may be nothing (he saw the hair when she was peeing - DH's have to pee at some point - and sometimes they may be forced to take the baby with them if they are alone.)


Generally speaking, any sort of sexual abuse is accompanied by a change in behavior in the child - if he hasn't had any noticeable change in behavior, it is possible that nothing has happened. (he just saw the hair.) Of course you can't be too sure.


I'd also question the former DH - there must be a way to ask her questions. if she refuses, I think the parents have a right to ask under what context the child saw the hair and ask her.


AS for protecting yourself, there are many stories of the horrific things DH's do - and just as many stories of the great things that they do. (and to note, there are tons of horrible stories of employers circling around DH circles as well.) It's a hard thing to manage.


You must build trust with your DH. I don't think because you are having a son you are at more risk of something horrible happening - any person, with any child, has to make the great leap of faith in entrusting their child with someone else. So, if you have a helper now, you should build that trust and you will have to be the best judge of their character.


I wish your friend good luck in unravelling this very tangled situation.

I agree with Ruth about unjustified invasion of the helper's privacy, and I think one would be jumping to wild and unjustified conclusions to think that a helper had abused a child simply because the child might have seen the helper in the toilet. But if you want to interview the child, it is important to ask open ended questions, not questions which suggest their own answer, and really not to make a big deal of it by asking lots of pointed questions. And I would certainly not ask the DH anything at all. If the child reveals the possibility of abuse, the first step is to notify the child's physician (who can confirm whether there has been abuse) and after this consultation the police should be notified and let them decide how to proceed, because they may want to use the element of surprise in their own interview of the helper. But without more, this sounds more a case of histrionics and gossip than anything real. Another thing is, even if one helper in 1,000 or 10,000 abuses a child, this does not mean that a different helper would ever consider it. This is like saying, "I just found out my friend's husband was abusing their child, therefore would my husband abuse my child?" No, there is no relation at all between what that helper may have done and what your helper may do. You have to use your best judgment about your helper, and if you can't find someone you trust then you'll have to take care of your child yourself.

hi,


just my thoughts.


firstly, i am sorry about the ambiguous situation that your friend's friend is facing. i hope for her sake that the DH did not do anything to harm the child.


BUT, THAT ASIDE:


a Dh is a human being and therefore will have sexual needs too - i don't see what is wrong with her having a sex toy. it is really not our business as long as she keeps it in a safe place and the kids won't find it and whip it out to play.


there are many horror tales about bad DH but there are also many bad ones about employers. every household should have boundaries about what a live-in DH can or cannot do but the cannot do should not deprive her of basic human rights. e.g you can set the rule the DH cannot bring strange men into the house as this might compromise the safety of the kids under her care. but if you can't stop her from having a vibrator, she bought it with her own money, why should you stop her?


i know it must be very hard to leave your new baby in the charge of someone else who is not family but if you have already made the decision to have a DH, you have to take that leap of faith as you and her establish a good relationshop that will provide a good foundation for your child to grow up in. don't hire one with negative thoughts beforehand and expect the worst from them. i don't have a DH but i often find the people who have the most problems with their DH are those who always distrust them without giving them a chance and listen to lots of horror tales from friends.


some of my friends have the best Dhs ever and i realised that it's a 2 way relationship. they genuinely love kids as they love playing with the other children when we have playdates, you can't fake that. and my friends don't take their DH's work for granted, one of them thanked the maid with a glass of champagne during her child's birthday party and said she wouldn't have survived the 1st year without her, which is true since my friend works full time.


and by the way, it's called pubic hair. there is nothing wrong with it, there is nothing dirty about it. you will be a mother soon, it's a part of our body that we should not be ashamed of. please don't raise your child in a way that makes them thing stuff like this is bad.


i am sorry if i am a little harsh as i usually try to be supportive and positive on this forum. it's just that i get upset when people make comments that don't really respect Dhs.

Like someone else has already said, if a DH wishes to have sex toys, that's her own private business ... nothing to do with her employer, unless of course she leaves them lying around. Would you expect yours or your husband's employer to have the right to tell you what you can and can't do in the privacy of your own bedroom ... I think not.


Regarding the issue of the child seeing the DH's pubic hair ... it's more than likely an innocent case of the child going to the bathroom with the DH ... If your DH took your child shopping with her, for example, and she needed to pee, would you be happy if she left your child alone outside the cubicle whilst she went to pee ... or would you be happier if she took the child into the cubicle with her? I certainly know what my preference would be.


I understand that the parent's of this child probably want to ask some questions just to put their own mind at rest, but it's more than likely that the DH was just being a responsible adult.