child is rude to helper

im do not condone my child's behaviour,but she has been throwing tantrums to helper lately,shouting,pincing and of course the poor woman cannot fight back,i told child to apologise many times,but i ahvent sit down and talk to maid before how we should discipline child.

is there any books which can guide me along?today maid told child,'if you do that one more time,i will shout at you next time!'deadly serious.

im concerned.

what are your experiences ?how do you tell your maid to discipline without actions,hitting or shouting to child?

p.s,we have a good relationship with her,and more often than not,she adores my children too.

also-i just made child to give her a hug,and they are now very happy.

but my problem s not solved yet..

*sign

time-out/naughty corner? if she does it thrice in a row despite being told in a firm voice not to, she has to sit in a chair/corner for x mins depending on her age. e.g. 4 mins if she is 4. then after that, explain to her why this had to be done, kiss and make-up with the maid.

i have seen this tactic used quite effectively on supernanny but for the first few times, when child doesn't understand, you might have to drag her back to the chair many times.


try looking at the supernanny book.


hmmm...also maybe you want to identify why she is having all these tantrums these days?

i should say lcak of sleep and having flu,she is on medications.

My 4 year old does the same thing. She yells at the maid to clean up after her or feed her by hand. I explained to my daughter that she is there to help us and we have to be nice or she will leave and wont come back to help us anymore. I explained that it hurt the maids feelings and made her sad. I told her the maid will cry if she is mean to her. My daughter has stopped being mean to her and now asks instead of demands. Children know how far they can push an adult who doesnt discipline. The helpers dont want to lose their jobs so they wont correct neg actions. I have also done time out for tantrums. I tell my oldest when shes done she can come out and talk to mommy but until then she is to stay in time out sitting down. 5-10 mins later she will come out and talk to me tell me shes sorry and she wont do it for quite some time. She knows its unacceptable to throw a fit and treat others like that.



Wheelymate has a good suggestion for timeout/naughty corner. Try that and see how it works. Just remember you are teaching her good manners.



Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Yep i do same thing Cara and wheely do. time out cry it out and talk about it after! Best method for dealing with child if they dont listen to u first off.

Our helper gives 3 warnings (or time out). If the behaviour continues then it is loss of a an activity (eg TV, Pool, bike riding etc)or the fave toy goes into timeout for a night (or more depending on the crime). My 4 year old is banned from swimming today because he yelled at our helper this am. The punishment was dealt out by her as I was in the shower at the time. I also explained that it was unacceptable behaviour. The main thing is to support any punishments that your helper may give out. We also have continous discussions about discipline eg when something isn't working etc.

I asked my helper to do certain things she refused to saying she didnt feel that was her place. I am not sure if its the difference between the philipinos and the chinese or if its person to person but my first one refused to as well.



Our helper is really nice to the children and tends to let them do and have whatever they want including soda or chips right before dinner. Its really frustrating... Is that normal or is it just her because they seem to all do that here in shanghai that i have seen...

Verellene I would be really worried that your helper wasn't willing to discipline your children. discipline is part of her job!! Or at least it should be she is helping to raise your childrena nd if you don't want brats you have to be an adult team together helping to shape their behaviour. It also makes you out to be the baddy and her the goody in their eyes if you are not equally firm about the way you let them treat you or behave.


My helper takes my kids straight home now fromt he park or playground if my son hits her. He did start and she wasn't doing anything except asking him to stop. I told her that hitting is absolutely NOT ACCEPTABLE ever and she was to take him home right a way. He only did it once after that! He got such a shock that he had been strapped into a push chair and taken home for hitting he realised she meant business.


Sometimes if a helper has some insecurity, like not wanting the child to dislike her or fear of what the parents will think they will be nervous or scared to discipline the child.


I agree with cara and Wheelymate.


One other thing I do which is very good at the moment is have a sticker chart that my helper or I award stickers for different behaviours or actions. I've drawn the pics so he clearly understands and also the rules like no hitting etc.

I read himt he rules before we go out and remind him of the reward for good behaviour.

Verellene - given that you're located in Shanghai I assume you've hired a local ayi. She may be reluctant to discipline your children as the culture is different in China. Numerous parents/ayis seem to give in to children and I've seen countless kids hit their parents and the parents do nothing to stop them. An extreme example was when I had dinner out one night and the father at the next table accidentally spilt some water on his son, he apologized to his son but his son took a glass of water and spilt it on his dad intentionally - the dad didn't do anything.


My old helper who is Shanghainese was very surprised that my son rarely cried except when he hurt himself and she said that most children here will get whatever they want if they cry. She also seemed surprised when she heard me raise my voice to him.


Just my thoughts.

so what kind of discipline can a maid goes to the extent of helping to discipline a child?besides time out?should she show her displeasure on her face and told her firmly off?she seems to be ..i cant find that word to descibe,you noe like is not really her business,she dun want to get involve ultimately.this helper is good,she does her work and all that but when it boils down to certain principles of hers or whatever ,she shows displeasure.but i needed someone who can work,cook and mostly my kids can be depended on her.

It is the custom here. I always see children hitting their mother or screaming so loud and the mother/parent will just try to make the child not scream by letting them do whatever misbehavior. I do not have a local ayi as most times i cant stand how the locals treat foriegners. Not all locals are like that just too many are. I hired first and second one from sichuah prov. We are actually considering moving to HK lol. Depends on how much they offer hubby for position. I think thats what might be best for family. The first one we had was willing to a point to discipline however, if i disciplined child she would then remove child away from me so gain what i call brownie points which is also one reason why she is no longer working for us. The 2nd one i ask her to tell the children no or to not give them snacks before dinner and every time i tell her this it works for a day or two then on 3rd day she gives the children the snacks again. I'm realy frustrated because she does a great job cleaning the house but terrible with the children and cooking. Hubby and i talked about getting a replacement but i am almost due with our 3rd child and having to retrain a new ayi is a pain. It's hard enough to find one who can and will care for 3 let alone have experience with a newborn which is a requirement of mine. My husband suggested we wait til after babys born and also see if we end up moving to HK.



They really do raise children differently here. I am pretty straight forward with my kids. No is No, no matter what. I think it shocks alot of chinese.


Ellie55- discipline like time out and explaining to child that hitting, yelling, and throwing a fit is unacceptable and to lay out what will happen if any of those occur. It's not just showing displeasure as a child doesnt see any threat in that. If its not her business why is she working for you? Its part of her job and explain that to her. If she doesnt understand then replace her haha as i will have to do with mine lol.


Best wishes!