"Ex" ready to be a dad now...

My ex husband was never overly interesting in being a father of a small child. "I'll be interested in her when she is older" was the catch cry (he gave a figure of about 4 years old then) and justified this by a great deal of father friends having this attitude too. Well, overnight, he has decided that he will now come and visit and take the small one to kindy, read her bedtime stories, take her for walks and the like. He has done the occassional thing with her but not a hell of a lot. She only wants mummy and tells him so - lots of tears tonight cos he wanted to do the bedtime thing with her tuck her in. Poor child....she hasnt had this before - I used to BEG him to do it and he wouldnt in spite of me. I am also frightened of her welfare. Yesterday, she was bitten in the park by a dog she knew apparently, while ex was many feet away socialising. The dog bit her shoulder (no, not badly) but I wouldnt have left a little four year old next to an enormous Siberian Husky despite how well she knew the dog. You cant pick up nuances in changes of behaviour if you arent right there. He doesnt do age appropriate stuff with her - he wanted her to accompany him to buy a new motor cycle helmet in a really questionable area where I wouldnt stroll thru. He doesnt encourage washing of hands after the loo, brushing teeth, never has a wipe or drink on hand -in short hasnt a blessed clue - lets her walk in dangerous places - on the edge of rail-less piers, docks, etc. I cant handle the thought of her being in his care. No, I dont have a custodial order. Yes, he is her father, but when it suits him and how it suits him - like "Lets take the dog for a walk" 15 mins before bedtime and sh&t like that. It's doing my head in - suggestions pls.

I have no experience with this, but have you considered family counselling to find the best way to communicate so your 'shared' parenting has a sense of continuity for your daughter and makes her feel safe, comfortable, loved and happy?

The two of you need to communicate for her.


Just a thought.

Thanks Cri. That's a good idea. She is the most delightful little girl and I dont want to see in her a postition where she is dragged off crying so that Dad can see her. Thanks again. Will keep you posted.

mrs o, I'm going to take the hardline here... people have patterns of behaviour (which presumably is why he is your "ex"), which are very hard to change. This ex strikes me as irresponsible, and if your daughter cries when having to go out with him or be tucked in, something is not right. Perhaps she senses he doesnt really care. If you are AT ALL in doubt of her safety while in his care, you should follow that instinct and either have a responsible adult with them or ban alone time altogether. Do you have joint custody? If not, I'd say hold the line. I've seen too many disfunctional families to believe an uncaring biological father has any place in it just because of one cell. He didnt want any of the pain associated with a small child and now that she is more interactive thinks there may be some joy had out of it after all. All in all, a very ME ME ME person. I feel for your poor child.

Nail on the head FTM - you are most perceptive. Thanks for taking the time to reply. Will keep you posted.

Personnaly, i would tell him to come back when he is ready to be a 'proper' dad and when he's ready to appreciate her and her routine.


Also tell him that she doesnt enjoy going out with him because, and i'm guessing here, they don't do Dad and daughter things together like go to the park, the movies, for lunch, the beach......


Don't let this carry on, your daughter will get all the wrong signals, resent her Dad and also resent you.

A man who takes his child out on the only day he sees her is not ready to play the role of "dad". Have you considered that he is using her? Not fair on the poor child to have to go through this.

I agree Mrs. O needs to set the rules and lay the "law," if at all possible. But he is the child's father and so she can't just cut off contact altogether, so she walks a fine line. Mrs. O, I don't mean to sound pert, but is he walking all over you? What's he doing at your house late at night, or there early enough in day to take her to kindy? (Has something changed lately, like unemployment or death of a parent or something? Or, worse, does he have a new gf who wants to build a case to challenge custody?) Assuming he's just acting honestly, sounds like first step is to set limits. Fam counseling sounds like a super idea if he's at all reasonable. This could possibly help you set, and help him understand, limits as well as needs the child has and how to work together to meet those needs. (You think it's bad now, wait until parents need to agree on limits for an adolescent!) Hopefully, he's trainable.


On the other hand, my opinion is that you really need to protect your daughter! Even if he won't agree to counseling, be as firm as you can to set limits! But try not to let it get too confrontational, cause you really don't want it to come to a match. No court is going to deny a parent visitation based on vague concerns or anything that could just be construed as a vindictive spouse, and plenty of (mostly male) judges have no clue how to parent, themselves. So, if you go to court could come out no better or worse, plus add in the animosity that comes with it.


I personally think Mrs. O's best bet is (1) to try and educate him on how to be safe, how to be a good parent, use fam counseling if possible, (2) try and set limits for daughter's safety, and as a last resort (3) do whatever you can to protect your daughter, even move to a place where visits become more difficult, if you must! If option (3) turns out to be "the" solution, talk to a solicitor about custodial arrangements, and plan very carefully in a pragmatic, quiet way.

I agree that you should talk to him and make him realize the importance of routines to a young child. To give your ex husband the benefit of the doubt - you've said that he's never been that interested in being the father of a small child - could it be that he genuinely doesn't realize that a typical father daughter thing is not shopping for a motorbike helmet in a questionable area?


Not having a drink or wipe on hand is not so unheard of with dads, and till today, I still have to remind my husband not to start something with my 9 year old son 15 minutes before bedtime.


I'm not defending your ex-husband in any way, I'm just trying to think of the other side of the story.

As I said earlier, people have patterns of behaviour and they are pretty predictable, for better or worse. Change comes from within, and no amount of other people's explanations, nagging, reasoning etc will matter a jot if the individual just doesn't want to change.


Explaining about schedules is the tip of the iceberg. I see a real issue here with not recognising what constitutes a dangerous situation for a child, and one cannot possible cover every situation that might ever happen in this world. There is no substitute for vigilance and being cognizant of the risks and dangers while looking after a child.


I'd agree with Meigoren's #3. Particularly, do not engage him in a heated debate (your rules are your rules) or let him see where your mind is trending - plan softly softly...