I have a 10month old and now staying in our summer house with mother in law. Have anyone had this problem I have? I am a bit of a perfectionist in hygine maintenance and am almost getting nervous breakdown with the amount of flies land on our foods and everything in the kitchen (it is a greek island we are staying). Mother in law does not seem to mind when our foods or baby food/bottles are covered with flies and go on about cooking or washing. She does not want to close the door/window (I suggested to keep the flies off) saying it will be too hot. (there is no aircon here). I ended up hiding all the baby dishes and bottles in our closet, close the door of our bedroom, use a separate sponge for baby dishes. MIL thinks I close the door because I don't like something she does (which is partly true...not that I don't like her but I don't like the fact she ignores my request to close the window). I have to wash baby bottles and dishes again after she does it as it is often still dirty and covered with soap, and she takes it personally and gets teary in her eyes. I don't want to challenge her or be mean to her but I just feel that it is my responsibility to protect my baby from overexposure to germs and infectious deseases. (Even if flies are clean, it is just too gross to see baby stuff covered with them.) I am really really stressed out with this situation. She thinks I am over protective and crazy. I am a person who freak out when people come into our house with shoes on (I am japanese and we never wear shoes inside the house), so imagine how I feel about flies! I want to be nice to MIL. Is there any solution to this situation???? Different culture brings on unnecessary stress, doesn't it? The worst of all is, I feel lonely in this. Everyone here does not even notice there are flies!!! (I must tell you I killed about 50 flies today in the kitchen).
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qvong
19 yrs ago
Well depending on your relationship with you MIL. This is something that can be fixed by a simple respectful conversation.
Like you said, different cultures but if she respects you as a inlaw and you the same with her and you share your thoughts and feeling of why you feel the way you do then she should may understand. I wouldn't want flies all over my childs stuff either (as we all know where flies love to eat from). Keep in mind, respect her culture and how they grew up but voice yours as well.
Good Luck!!
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oh MM!!
i had the same trouble with my in-laws...the whole family actually when i visited them last summer with my baby.
they are the most lovely, hospitable and warm-hearted people but at the same time, erm...not very sensitive to cleanliness issues? my sis-in-law has 3 girls in a huge and very messy house and because i was paranoid about sterilising my baby's bottles then, i did it upstairs in the room we were given, which happened to have a sink in it. i couldn't bare putting my baby's bottles on the kitchen counter top filled with a day's worth of washing, mushy breakfast cereal, leftover toast, etc.
and my bro-in-law were not much better...2 bachelors so when we stayed with them briefly, i was frankly close to tears. one of them had a bathroom that hadn't been washed in months, in the end i bought a bucket for my baby to have bath in. i also needed a "decontamination" zone in his house, the first day we landed in UK, i rushed out and bought my own sponge, bucket and all for rushing.
maybe i am being paranoid but as a new mother, i just could not risk having not just a jetlag but sick baby so i did what i could. but at the same time, i never said anything to my in-laws to suggest that they needed to clean up. we were guests in their house and saving us lots of money by having us sleep in their house, loaning us their cars, etc. so i just tried to work around the situation.
as for washing the baby's bottles....perhaps you can just keep the dirty ones in your room and then when it's time, wash them all together? because if you leave it by the sink, she's just being helpful so naturally will wash it. and if she washes it and you still sterilise it afterwards, maybe that's ok too? i know it's hard but just try working around it and come to a compromise!
good luck and try to enjoy your holidays!
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I am a cleaniness freak too but not to the extent of OCD's (obsessive compulsive behaviour) which my in-laws thinks. Ouch.
I guess it is different cultures too as MM mentioned. But personally I couldn't accept people trodding into the 'safe and clean' area of the house with shoes on... imagine their shoes with cats & dogs faeces trampling all over every corner, but then, am not saying all of their shoes are contaminated with E-coli, it's really not very hygienic with outside shoes in the house, isn't it, especially with a toddler crawling and lying all over the floor... I were extremely shocked when I first came here not too long ago, the whole jing gang of my in-law's relatives wore their shoes in the house and even walked all over the baby's room and the floor mat and the floor carpet....... Ouch and yucks.
My MIL says she is the most hygienic person in the house... and if you believe me that i saw her rinsing the floor cloth in the toilet bowl... Hmm... my entire dinner in the stomach nearly backflowed there and then.. Yucks!
Few weeks ago, on 2 occasions, my kid has some red rashes and itchiness on her thighs and tummy areas.. My maternal instinct told me that it is due to the hot weather and has developed some allergies to the environment. My MIL insists that we do not bathe her or get her skin into any tap water as it may deteriorates the condition....... The moment my kid is back home, i wash her from top to toes and afetr 10 minutes post shower, her skin has no more redness and zilt itch.. Phew..... If i listen to that kind of advise, the skin may breaks out and turn nasty!
Thank goodness my MIL is staying 2 floors below in the same building....
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Is a relief to know that there are other similar MILs here..
And oh yeah.. my MIL keeps her 'worn-for-the-day' socks on top of the cupboard where she has a tray of drinking cups and glasses on it.
Sorry i have no advise too, maybe just 'grin and bare' or let the pent up anger dissipates slowly in the forum here...
Don't think the MILs' sons talking to them ever works, sometimes and most times, they are very manipulative...
Cheers!
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for a different line of thinking -
i'm not opposed to my kids being exposed to a number of different things - flies, bugs, dirt - there is some research that shows that babies that are underexposed to germs - actually develop more allergies. At 10 months - I would say that your baby could probably handle some of the germs that are out there and would do just fine.
In many cultures, people wear their shoes in the house even with babies - and their babies are just fine with no major health issues.
My #2 baby was born premature and I had an older daughter who was attending school when she first came home. My older daughter, being in school, was exposed to many different things and also exposed my #2 daughter to many things. But - my doctors have told me that she is really healthy and resilient - despite having sucked on her sister's shoes, put her sisters dirty clothes in her mouth, licking her sister's spoon and having eaten things off of the floor. (including the outside playground where she put a dead bug in her mouth.)
You want to build up your child's immune system and so exposure to different things is one of them. Germs are EVERYWHERE already - you just don't see them and you can't protect your children from everything. The key to good health will be good nutrition and good sleep.
It's hard - different cultures (even different families within the same culture are so different) - and based on such things we do get worked up. But - in the long run, you are really only stressing yourself out. I would say baby bottles covered in flies are probably not the most appetizing things ever - but many cultures live that way and the babies are fine.
try and enjoy your time on the beautiful island - free from unnecessary pollution and dead animals who die from all the bad air in HK. In some ways, one could argue that life on a Greek Island is far CLEANER than HK in general - just do to the lack of concentration of people and pollution and bad air...
good luck!
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How about buying some window screens? That would be a nice gesture.
Agree with hkchoichoi..
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HKC
19 yrs ago
My baby is 2 now but when we stayed with MIL when she was a baby I was paranoid as the kitchen was filthy, even saw unswept broken glass in a corner. I didn't say anything but my lovely sister-in-law was staying as well and got the bleach and cloth out and cleaned everything. MIL laughed and said she could come again as it hadn't had a good clean for months! Now when we stay I ban my toddler from the kitchen and wash everything for her myself. Don't want to fall out with MIL as she is lovely and just says she would rather play golf than clean!
When my LO was a 2 week old baby , she offered to do some washing for us and I saw her put the clothes in with my FIL's underpants, disgusting!
Now I take lots of clothes when we stay and don't do any washing!
My advice would be to just save everything up and wash it all when she is not around, you don't want to offend her. Just laugh it off and say you are a paranoid Mmu! Good luck and lucky you staying on a Greek Island!
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cd
19 yrs ago
whats the problem with putting baby clothes in the undies, I never separated baby clothes, everything has always gone in together. Agree with hkchoichoi. A bit of dirt is good for them. Your baby is now 10 months which means he is probably crawling, how can you possibly stop him picking up germs once he's crawling, and putting things in his mouth. As to the flies, you are staying in a hot climate, flies are an inevitable part of that.
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cd
19 yrs ago
Sorry, that should read 'in with the undies'.
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hi all,
i don't disagree with people like HKCC that some exposure to dirt is good for kids, build up their immunity, etc. when feeding my son and food drops on the floor, i just pick it up and i eat it or my son does. and he eats his shoes, my shoes but i have my limits - i don't think i'll be happy with flies hovering over my baby's bottles.
that said, i think some of the subsequent posts were a tad harsh. that MM has to zip it because she's rich and should count her lucky stars that she's in the greek islands.
and for those who say she should have a few more kids to sort MM's life out. i think that wasn't too sensitive. maybe you have never come across MM's previous threads but i've read enough on both M&D forum and the fertility forumand vaguely recall her posts about fertility treatment to conceive, so maybe this child is extremely precious to her. So even though you might not have known that, it's just my opinion that it was quite insensitive to tell someone to have a few more kids to sort life out and get a life. please don't be so quick to jump on her case.
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MM -
I hope you don't think I was attacking you - I wasn't. I was just offering another perspective on germs - which is that they are not all evil...and perhaps worrying about them too much isn't going to help you enjoy your time on a beautiful Greek Island with your child. It also doesn't help your relationship with your mother in law - I only meant to suggest that relaxing a bit in this situation wasn't going to do your baby any major harm.
I certainly didn't mean to attack you or make you feel anything negative by my post!
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I suspect my MIM is a OCD freak while she probably thinks I am lazy:}:}
I have learnt the hard way, no matter what others say or do, the likes of my MIM will never change. It was easy for me to just utter "Relax and enjoy life" but I failed to realize that my definitions of relaxation and enjoyment of life are different from those of my MIM's.
I used to be so stressed trying to keep my place sparkly clean whenever she visited. Trust me, having both of us stressed at the same time did not help foster good MIM/DIL relationship at all. I realize now that I will never be able to fully understand her stress. The only thing I can do is to try not to belittle her concern and learn to respect her choice in life.
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Agree with hkchoichoi.
My daughter is never sick and my friend who has a 6 month old and a 3 yr old, are always sick. She is a real germ freak and worries about everything and is constantly cleaning the kids hands., etc.
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crj
19 yrs ago
Whooaaaaa
MM is looking for a way to deal with her Mother In Law.
While I completely agree with HKCC and others about exposure to germs being good to a degree.
MM - my concern is that you are going to have an awful holiday if you can't find a way to relax. I would just do this...
Wash the bottle/bowl/spoon RIGHT BEFORE you are going to use it... that way you aren't washing things all day long. And since you would be in the kitchen preparing the bottle/food, maybe it won't insult your MIL as it is just part of your 'bottle/food prep' process.
In addition, maybe try to spend more time outside the house?? Is that possible?
The Med has flies, HK has c*ckroaches, Alaska has mosquitos so large they joke it is the state bird... if you can find an insect free holiday location, let me know!! :) For me it is mosquitos and ants that drive me crazy - haha
PS I still remember when you were TTC - it's so great you have a healthy 10 month old now!!!
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HKC
19 yrs ago
Dear cd, we obviously have differnt standards but I really didn't want my pure white baby clothes washed with Grandpa's skiddy undies, each to their own!
MM, hope you have everything sorted now, don't let it ruin your trip and do what YOU need to do to sort it out! Good luck with MIL
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Sorry no real suggestions except to mention that sometimes when there are a lot of flies around, that means there are maggots somewhere, and where there are maggots, there is usually something rotting. You may have to do a bit of detective work to try and find the source, but try to find it and eliminate it. Look for something like a compost heap where table scraps are dumped.
Actually, I do have one additional suggestion, which is to have your husband talk to his mom, ask her to change, but have him tell her it is his request not yours.
In my opinion, it doesn't matter whether there is any "real" health hazard. The situation is making you uncomfortable and you need it fixed in order for you to enjoy your life. People should be willing to compromise to relieve your fears, even if they disagree with you. It's a matter of feelings. In order for this to happen, your MIL must change some things she is doing.
My hubby and I have had a few times when one or another parent was doing something with children that we didn't like. We decided that if one spouse was going to have to be the "bad guy" and ask a parent to change, then the blood relative would be the one to be the "bad guy." So, when it's his mom he does the explaining and the asking and when it's my mom, I do. And he shouldn't blame it on his unreasonable, demanding wife, either. He should just tell her that although it was okay for her to do with him, he is choosing a different way for his own children and he wants her to respect that.
You may also need to spend some money for something like screens on windows.
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No fly screen or insect screens for the kitchen??
I'm from the let them crawl in the dirt camp cause I was raised in New Zealand. But seeing how children are raised from birth here to believe things are dirty or will harm them I can understand how it is impossible to relax when people are doing such things.
I think crj's suggestion is good. Don't worry about keeping every perfect all the time, just give it a quick wash before you use it and it'll be fine, hygenic and not too in the face of your MIL.
10 months is past the danger time for needing to sterilise anyway so you should just worry about clean, but don't need it to be completely steralised.
Also maybe it will give you an insight into how you might raise your child differently to be able to respect and adapt to both cultures he has in his blood. Giving a little flexibility so he can learn to adapt well to different surroundings also.
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Sharing my experience.
My 65 yr old mother-in-law will just rinse a used bottle with cold water, leave it around in the kitchen( plenty of flies) & reuse it for next feed.
I explained to her that I learnt differently from the pre-natal classes on how to clean my baby bottles, spoons, plates etc. so will like to continue this HABIT to do so by myself.
By saying HABIT, I do not hurt her feelings.
I keep 2 plastic containers/with covers for my baby stuff, which mother-in-law leave alone, so this may be what you can do.
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