MIL/flies, greek island

Hi, I have been trying to post a reply to all the posts for my previous thread but the internet connection is so bad here and did not allow me to uproad a reply to the existing thread. So, forgive me for creating another thread.


Thank you all for very good discussion and suggestions. I don't come here to see only agreement and sympathy, but also for getting other perspecitves and see how other moms think. So it was a very constructive experience for me to see how hygiene consciousness varies from one person to another. Thanks for gals (wheelymate and crj and more) who were trying to TTC with me for thoughtful comment. HKCC, I don't think you were attacking me. I would rather have honest comments. I do agree certain degree of germs build up immunity. I think between my husband and I, my baby has quite a balanced life including the exposure to germs and outdoor world. She loves beach, parks, and everything outdoor. She has been enjoying the summer on the beach in Hawaii, Greece, parks in Japan and London, etc. in the last few months. For those who thought I was rich and do not clean the house by myself and that is why i am so fussy, it is not true... We have left Hong Kong for good as my husband left the firm and have not found a new job yet. That is why we have been traveling where we have family. Greece is where my husband's dad comes from and we have a humble house which we share with other siblings. So, we call it a summer house but really a small house in a fishing village with some tourism. Living here is actually a very cheap option for us at the moment.


Well, my husband had some talk with MIL but he said she has some ideal world and has become more stubbern lately due to aging. He says she didn't used to care about these things so much and more adoptive. So, I suppose I am the one who has to change a bit. She left today to go back to London. She looked very tired and looked a bit releafed to leave (I do not blame her). We bid farewell but somewhat awkwardly. (I didn't really like it as I think she is a wonderful person and I did something that I could not take back to reconstruct the relationship or something).


It is a very difficult issue. I don't mind cleaning and doing thing that would help me work around the situation (like someone suggested I should wash the bottles and dishes when nobody is around etc...). I have tried al that but MIL is very sensitive and observant she did not leave me alone. She kept on insisting she wants to help washing up and thus forced me to tell her that it is really not necessary and I prefer her play with my bub as I can do the washing up later and it is precious time for my bub to spend time with granny...bla bla but everything I said seems to have annoyed her as she knew I was trying to hide my super cleanliness and that I was unhappy with how she run the kitchen. It was hard...for both of us.


Part of the reason I cannot laugh off about it is, I think, that I have been hoping this Greek house will be our temporary home whilst living out of suitecases. I feel bad for my baby that we don't have a stable home when she is so small. She had to leave all the good toys and high chair and everything behind in the storage in HK because we decided to live like a gypsy. I want to support my husband's decision and want to be nonchalant about how we are living without a home, and hoping that our baby will grow to believe that where her heart is, there is home, and Mom and Dad will always be there for her wherever we are and try our best to build a good environment for her to grow up. I feel guilty that she does not have her cot that she is familiar with, that she will wake up to the same place and see the familiar faces of a baby group, etc... That is why I choose attachment parenting style as I think it would be too harsh on her to wake up in different place every few months. Having said that, she has been wonderful and the happiest baby. She adopts to new environment so quickly and enjoys every moment of it. We are blessed. Anyway, maybe that is why I was sort of stubbern in the way I run things in this summer house. MIL kept on saying that it is a summer house and nobody really spends more than 2weeks here and thus should do without a lot of things and should not buy a high chair and should not be so dilligent about how we run the house. Anyway, I supopose it was not just flies in the end.


Someone posted that it is about feeling and people should change to accomodate my feelings. I agree that it is about feeling. It is all about feelings. I tried to be practical and talked to MIL that it is nothing about right or wrong or who does what and how, it is about how I was raised in a super clean environment and just cannot cope with more than 2 flies in the house. But it did not work. It seemed to have worked and it seemed that she understood at that time but the next day, it started all over again.


Well, I am going on about it too much. MIL is gone. Hope we can have a nice time in fly-free London sometime and we will be all OK again. For the meanwhile, I have to go out for search to find the source! Muggets!! Yuk!!! There are goats and donkeys in the next village, sothe problem is that it probaly is not just one source...

MM -


thanks for thinking that I wasn't attacking you! Honestly I wasn't - I know that the original post arose out of cultural and generational differences that are generally really hard to bear. (I am the SAME culture as my mother in law, and sometimes the intensities of our misunderstandings are beyond belief.)


My own mother, who had to LIVE with her own very difficult mother in law (my paternal grandmother) for a number of years, when I got married, gave me a single piece of advice - which I think pretty much applies across cultures. And it was this - older people FEAR being useless - that is their greatest fear as they age. Making them FEEL useful is one of the key ways to having a smoother relationship with them. So - ASK their opinions, for their wisdom and for their ideas. I used to think that if I took care of everything for my mother in law, that was the way to do it, but all I succeeded in doing was making her more tense and upset. I thought that by anticipating her needs I was being a dutiful daughter in law - but instead, I managed to piss her off. After calling my own mom in tears saying that I couldn't do it, my mother told me just to ASK her opinion on EVERYTHING...not matter how stupid or trivial, and even if I don't want to hear the answer. What should we make for dinner? Here are the choices - what between the two of these places for lunch interests her? What vegetable does she think is fresher? What should my daughter wear? The list goes on...and it truly made a difference in our relationship. The older generation fears being obsolete in our time.


AS for the other stuff with a "life as a gypsy" and whatnot - I think it's a GREAT learning experience for your baby. Different places, different environments, different scenery - how wonderful an education for your baby. And if you and hubby are there side by side - then that is all she will really seek!


When do you leave your beautiful paradise?

ah MM,


you are a very brave woman to lead this nomadic life and lucky you for having a very adaptable little baby! you know, i think kids are probably more resilient than we think. as parents, we try to give them the best and we are naturally protective but i don't think your baby cares whether she has a cot that travels the world with her or a highchair to sit on or expensive toys to play with. i think mummy's love and seeing life beyond regular playgroups and spending the day on the beach, in the park, exploring the local community could be the best headstart you ever give to your child.


hope all goes well with your husband's job front and that your family settles down in a perm place soon.


in the meantime, chin up and try to enjoy what you can!


i can't solve your MIL problems because i think everyone has issues with MILs....i think HKCC is right on the money about making them feel important. my MIL and FIL visited us in Jan. i was really anxious not to let them do anything. but then i realised that i shouldn't treat them like fine china or anything. MIL was definitely pleased when i asked her to help with dinner and babysitting. so i guess the next time you see her, you can try to make her feel "important" zand hopefully that improves the relationship.