Caring too much about other people's views?

I'm always very worried about being viewed negatively in people's eyes (even complete strangers!). Do I have a problem? I sometimes worry so much that I dwell on the thoughts until I am consumed by this anxiety.


Part of this can be explained by how critical my mother and her family have been towards me when I was little. They criticized me for everything that I did but never really gave me any encouragement! Sometimes they put me down just to make their own kids look better! For example, I was admitted to a very good university but my uncle told me that it's not good at all because he has never heard of it! (By the way, the university is among the top-ten in UK and my uncle had never been to university.)


It has come to a point that I believe that I am no good at anything and nothing good will ever happen to me!


I'm totally helpless now and am always very upset for no reason. What should I do?

Life's too short to worry about what others think. I used to worry about these things too, then one day I "woke up" and thought Hey! I'm a good person! I'm leading a good and happy life! Screw what everyone thinks! This is my life, and I'm satisfied, if it doesn't impress or suit everybody else ... tough!

So your uncle hasn't heard of the uni you're attending, just forgive him for his ignorance.

I've found that when people put you down it's usuallly because of their jealousy or insecurity. Do your own thing, live your life as you want to, not as how you think other people want you to.

Ed will delete this anyway.

People will either like you or not, so don't worry about how other people perceive you.


Be true to yourself, be confident and enjoy!

Thanks! And because of what happened when I was a child, I tend to not trust people easily. So I end up being very cold and unfriendly to people I don't know...people who know me tend to say that I become a totally different person once we get to know each other better. They are a bit surprised about my true personality because it's so different from the first impression I give them (I ignore people and am always quite "black-faced").

Also, I seldom take pictures because I've constantly told by my mother that I'm ugly and look very weird. So I now think that I am ugly and look weird, even though other people say no. I have sort of internalised what my mother and her family have told me throughout the early part of my life!

Dear Angel devil, would it be helpfull to talk to someone who can help you to build a positive secure and stabel attitude with yourself? It can take a long time before all the sh...t from your past has cleared but at the end you become a whole person who can enjoy life.

Angel devil, I was a bit like you (and to some extent, I probably still am). I used to worry a lot about whether or not people liked me, even total strangers. I would feel bad if I didn't "fit" in or "contribute" to a new group of friends.


It worsened when I came to HK and was exposed to my husband's Chinese family. My inlaws would often comment on everything I did and I put so much pressure on myself to conform culturally so I could be liked. On top of that, I had a jealous sister in law who would yell at us and felt that she was the boss.


I endured 3 years of such emotional abuse.


When I got pregnant before my sister in law did, she refused to congratulate me and accused me of cursing her marriage and causing her to miscarry. I was shocked because I was polite to her and hardly spoke to her but her angry accusation was what made me say, "Enough is enough".


You cannot please everybody in life. I knew that I did nothing to my sister in law for her to yell at me like that or for my inlaws to criticize me. I decided that it wasn't possible to please everybody and in life, there will be people who will hate you. It's a fact that we have to accept. I also accepted that perhaps these people had their reasons and we're just not meant to get along. We can't expect ourselves to be able to get along with everybody. I've learnt this the hard way and it was too exhausting trying to please.


Anyway, I changed after that. I stopped making an effort to please everybody, I just did what I felt comfortable doing. If they weren't happy with my decisions (say, in regards to my daughter), I just ignored them and did it anyway. She's my daughter, my life. I mean, after all, they could only comment... I began to understand that ultimately, the decision was MINE. I also avoided criticisms by changing the topic, pretending I didn't hear or if it got really bad, getting up and leaving. For example, they said, "Oh, I think it's silly to pay for education and you shouldn't even consider it. My sons didn't have that and they turned out right". I replied politely but firmly, "Oh, I forgot to do something at home. I better go now. Sorry and bye". My mother in law knew she had said the wrong thing.


I've learnt that it is up to me. It's either I let them bully me or I stand up for myself and say, "No, I should be respected for my decisions too". When you start standing up for yourself, believing in yourself and respecting your own decisions, others will see it too and will respect you. By doing what I've been doing, I don't feel guilty because I haven't yelled at them or disrespected them as family members.


It takes time to build up confidence AND A LOT of self-talk but once you get it, it feels good. For me, the turning point was my daughter (knowing I NEEDED to be strong to protect her) AND when my sister in law did what she did to me.


Good luck.

Chinese family (parents + extended family) are NOTORIOUS for belittling their kids and making them feel miserable, ruining their life (emotional wellbeing)!