motherhood and friends

i am just wondering if this is common and if it's my fault for letting motherhood overwhelm me like this.


case #1

today, i found out from a mutual friend that a friend that i used to be close is due to pop anytime soon. i have not seen this friend since last year when we met up for a quick coffee. we have been close before, shopping for our wedding dresses together,hanging out etc. but since i had my baby (and she hadn't), we just saw less and less of each other even though she just stays across the road! maybe it was wrong of me to make assumptions but she always gave me the impression that kids were a no no for outings (the way she used to moan about how she could invite this particular couple over for dinner when they had 2 kids and no help, etc), which makes it hard as we have no helper and only occassional babysitting. so as time went by, obviously it wasn't a difficult decision on our part that when we do go out, it's for special dates or with like-minded friends who are sympathetic of our situation i.e. parents from our babygroup who also have to make arrangements with their partners or babysitters before going out at night without bubs.


my husband says to forget about it but at the same time, i feel abit sad that we were close before and that i would have like to be of help to her during this pregnancy and when the baby arrives. but somehow, she told our mutual friend that they just no longer see us around and that's it, they are out of our lives! i wonder when she has her kid, she will realise how dramatically life changes and how she will understand that it hasn't be easy for me?


case #2

another couple that we used to hang out with as well. when baby arrived, wife offered to babysit. but as a new mum bent on having a routine on a routine-less baby, i was possessive and also felt bad that she could potentially be saddled with a crying baby for the evening. so we never took up the offer.


but as time went by, we saw less of them except the guys when they meet up for beers. and the husband actually mentioned to mine about how we didn't let the wife babysit our baby! and when i felt more ready to see the world and was happy to meet up for a girly lunch while hubby babysits, my offer was rejected.


overall, i don't know whether to feel hurt about how the above friendships have turned out or if it's really my fault. the 1st year of baby's life was really tough and i couldn't have made it through without friends - but the friends who stuck were mummy group friends and my single girlfriends who obviously knew i was out of the picture for a big clubbing night but made the effort to arrange lunches and came over to visit when possible.


am i the only mum out there who have lost friends along the way like this?

Wheelymate


Irrespective of their marital or baby situation, a friend is a friend is a friend. When things change in our lives our TRUE friends remain, our lousy friends are weeded out.


case#1

I would go see your friend or write her an email. Tell her you hear she's having a baby and how thrilled you are for her. Offer to help her out. If she replys in a positive way go from there. If she doesn't then she wasn't a true friend.


Case #2

Never apologise for not letting someone hog your baby. It's yours not theirs. If my friend got upset because I wouldn't let her mind my baby then I would think there was something amiss with her and not let her babysit in the first place.


I've had friends who had babies and understood their hectic schedules and I've had single friends who understood mine with my son. At the end of the day a good friend will call you up often even if they don't see you for ages.


When my mum died when I was a teenager some of my best friends headed for the hills and didn't speak to me for ages. Others less acquainted with me came forward to help me out. When I lived in HK I had a massive blow out with my husband, my supposed best friend, upon calling her up upset, told me it wasn't her business and then only called me back 6 months later asking to hook up!!! I told her to get lost.


Some friends take everything you have to give and don't give when you need a small favour. Personally I like to have and I like to be an unconditional friend. You know where I am if you want me and even if we don't see each other for months we still meet up as if nothing has changed.

Take heart and rest assured that you are not the only new mom who is mourning the loss the friendship ! I have also lost touch with my close friends.

Hi Wheelymate,


for case#1, i'll send her a congratulatory note, if she doesn't reply, forget her.


for case #2, i would have done the same thing as you did. If she rejects your offer to baby sit now, it's Ok, she might be busy or something, try to invite her one more time for lunch or coffee, if she rejects it again, forget her too ;-)


Heunggonghyahn, you can meet unpretentious, down-to-earth mums here. How old is your baby?

I'm in for meeting down-to-earth mums. My baby is 6 month old.


Wheelymate, don't fret. Just remember that it takes two to maintain a frienship/relationship, so do not take full responsiblity for a weaken friendship. I just had my first baby 6 months ago, "tough" is an understatement!

My wish is for us to meet up one day;-) I've met a few moms here and we are all down-to-earth!


I'm from tung chung, if anyone lives nearby, let me know. I have a 9 month old baby and not working.

hi mums,


thanks for the support.


i tried to contact case #1 - she didn't pick up my call but did reply to my text message. said she had kept it low key because of some hiccups. i offered to drop by to see her next week but she has not replied to that yet. i don't know what's on her mind but i'll just have to wait and see, maybe there is still hope.


unfortunately for case #2, there is no more hope! the couple have left singapore for good recently so no chance for us to sort things out. i regret it, i wished i had the guts to ask her directly about it before.


as for HK-based mums, i think you guys are great and someone should try to arrange for a get-together!

Wheelymate, I just saw your thread.


I must say that I'm very much like you. I value my friends and sometimes it does hurt when things don't work out when situations change.


I too had a very good friend 3 years ago. I met this friend when I was pregnant with my daughter. When I had a complicated first pregnancy, this friend of mine visited me day after day. I was really touched because she really cared. She was out of the country for a while and asked if she could stay with us 3 weeks after my premature baby was discharged. I agreed and was delighted/honoured to have her with us. However, a few days before she was due to arrive, both her husband and her had a terrible flu. They had to stay in bed for a few days. Upon hearing this, I was very worried because my baby was 7 weeks early and susceptible to infection. I had to tell her no. I told her that I value her friendship so much but for my baby's sake, would it be possible if she could stay with someone else until she got better? She never forgave me for it. A few weeks later, when we made up (I called her husband to explain), she was nice again but she came to my house and collected ALL her plants that she gave me. Initially she gave me her plants because she was leaving the country for good and asked that should she ever come back, could I return a few of her curry plants and phandan plants. I said yes because I didn't know how to cook them anyway. However after we made up, she came back and took almost ALL her plants - the ones that blossomed because of my husband's time and effort in them.


The next thing she did, she said that she had to buy new furniture and asked whether or not we could lend her HK$40k and she'd pay us back when her hubby gets his first salary. HK$40k was too much for us (we couldn't afford it) but hubby and I discussed and said that the most we could afford to lose should things don't work out would be about HK$20k (we're both not rich) so we offered this to her. Luckily, at the end of it, she didn't take it.


She called me twice after we made up, but then never again. I unfortunately lost her number because my little girl played with my mobile and broke it but I never got calls from her again.


About 4 months ago, I found out that my hubby had her mobile number in his address book. I've been pondering whether or not to call her. She was such a great friend and in lots of ways, I do miss her but I'm still shakened by what happened.


Sometimes you give it your best shot and when things don't work out, you really don't know why things turn out like this.


She also gave me all her other household furniture (sitting on our rooftop so we didn't ask for them) which we told her she could take back when she came to collect her plants. We didn't want her to feel we were using her or anything.


So that was the end of a very good friendship. I'm saddened by it and I still think of her.. but sometimes really don't know if I should contact her or not.

Wheelymates and MayC,i understand the feelings.I've kind of went through the same experiences.I'm now away from homeland and it's making it a little more lonely and difficult to catch up or maintain the friendships....


Is it really so difficult to look for truthful or down to earth friendships after married and had kids.Ummmm.....

Heunggongyahn, I'm a new mum with 3.5 month old baby looking forward to meet some down-to-earth mums! Could someone arrange something :p