Do you let your helper descipline your child?

Hi, need your honest viewpt.


I have a good helper who cares for my 2 year old duaghter to my satisfaction. I have "spied" on her in the playground/clubhse and know she is taking good care of my child eg not talking on phone, eyes always on child. My child seems to like her too cos when she returns home on Sunday night, my daughter would run and hug her.


However, today, on the way home, I stood outside of our main door and heard her raising her voice on my daughter as she refuses to take her nap at the designated hour (normal nap 1.30pm; still awake at 3pm). Here is what she exclaimed (will try to be objective): "sleep now!!"; "Don't draw anymore and come lie down with Aunty"; "Aunty gets milk and you better sleep now!" in a distinctly sharp tone. I stood outside for 30 mins, and this raised scolding took place on and off until my daughter did sleep at 3.30pm. Throughout, I didn't hear any beating and I can't hear my daughter's voice. she was not crying. She was not talking either.


I immediately confronted my helper. I told her I heard her scolding. She said she is only raising her voice cos she can see my daughter was tired but refused to sleep (and my daughter goes to meltdown if she doesn't nap properly) and if she pretends to be angry, my daughter always complies and sleep. Helper cried, I cried, she apologised. She explained she was frustrated cos she was trying to settle her to nap for the past 1.5hr, and she said he wasn't scolding her. Okay, my helper DOES talk in a loud voice, even when she calls her family on the phone. And she does get a little animated when she talks. But to my ears, she was scolding.



Now my questions are:

(1) I do raise my own voice and scold my child when she doesn't nap or eat. But would you allow your helper to do the same?

(2) with the above situation, am I overracting, or is this just part and parcel of letting a helper, a stranger, care for your child?

(3) My daughter didn't cry with my helper's 'scolding', so does this indicate I am overracting, or do you think my daughter has been scolded so much she is no longer responding??


Now I am leery of going out!! How do working mums leave their children for long periods of time with the helper??? My hat off to you!!


I know helpers are human beings and they too have good and bad days. And I know my daughter is at an age where she is testing her boundaries. Am I being unreasonable and indeed unrealistic to want my helper to shower my child with nothing but tender loving care and never ever scold or raise her voice, no matter how tired or frustrated she is?


So confused and heartborken today.....nearly cried while spying outside but had to stop myself from rushing in cos I wanted to know if she beats her too. Sigh....

1. If you put your helper in a place of responsibility for the education of your child - and you do - and if you prevent her from the power to discipline your child - and you seem to want to - then you guarantee your child will be properly confused. Is this your intent? I think not - so yes! Let her scold.

2. Yes

3. Children need firm but loving boundaries. Help your helper - and BTW - how much experience do you have in child education - is this your first child? And are you able to look after your child better than your helper, and is this perhaps causing you some jealousy?


Unreasonable? Don't know - but you need to look at the boundaries you have set, and see how congruent they are with a healthy development for your child. The responsibility is yours.

As a stay at home mom to 10 month old daughter and will have a full time help in few days, have left my bub in her care number of times w/out any worries. I feel that she cares for her like the way I do and probably more patient than I am. There were moments of frustration when literally I have to raise my voice after spending few hrs putting her to sleep ( only to regret, blame myself and realise she's still a small baby who doesn't understand what's going on)I know that as she grows up she'll learn to use all her might to get what she wants, though I love her to bits I will not bow to her and neither her nanny will. I don't want that when I'm around she'll only listen to me, so her nanny, grandma, aunts, my mummy friends, everyone can discipline my child. But of course w/ limits.

Other mummies, will you (or will you allow your helper to) scold your child if he/she refuses to nap?


Docboat, yes she is my 1st child so can't say I have any experience in child education. That is why I am an active participant in this forum!


well, my parents say descipline is achieved best by reasoning and punishment to be given only for wrong behaviour. Make no mistake if and when my daughter takes a toy from another and helper scolds her, she has my full support and I would even banish my kid to her corner. It is just in this case of refusal to nap - does this warrant scolding??? Refusal to nap has gone on for a week now and helper herself explained to me she reckoned my daughter is in the process of cutting out her nap. So if she acknowledged that, why did she get upset and scold her?


God forbid, I don;t want the typical spoiled kid that I see so often in HK - hitting at their parents, scolding helper, throwing tantrums unnecessarily. But I don;t want a kid who is told off all the time either. Surely certain actions like this can be resolved in other positive ways, like waiting another 30 mins before asking her again if she wants to go into her bedroom with Mr Chip (her softtoy)? I do it nightly like a ritual: sing and read for at least 1 hr ending with mummy is tired will you sleep now and she always does!


Coquinne, the clear cut situations are so easy to handle. Since you are a mum yourself, are you saying you would scold your child if say she doesn;t want to sleep at the designated time? Is it possible to scold your child to sleep?


Docboat, I am a stayhome mum (and used to be a lecturer might I add) and do spend awful lot of time with my daughter so I see myself and husband, not helper, to be the sole educators. Education and descipline are two separate issues, no?


Jealousy towards my helper that is why I reacted the way I did? Surely you are kidding me! That comment doesn't even deserve an answer, I am afraid. The day when my daughter chooses my helper (or hubby for that matter) over me in anything would be the day I book myself to a nice spa holiday, ON MY OWN...

mummybee1, I know how you must feel. However, in my opinion, children nowadays are VERY smart. They really TEST the limits of those who take care of them. If you place your child in your helper's care... no matter how long in a day, if you leave her alone with the helper, then you must trust your helper, and also agree on the "method" of disciplining your child.


In our household, our helpers would NEVER hit. They never raise their voices. They get very frustrated, but they are both well tempered. However, I raise my voice all the time, b/c I get very frustrated with my older one, esp when it comes to her meals. It's very very frustrating.


I can write on and on about this. However, I think to make it short, the important thing is, discipline only works when it's consistent. It's no different then training our dog. Our helpers MUST follow exactly how we train our dog. If they EVER be inconsistent with one time, our dog will learn it, and all our efforts go to waste.


So with children, I think helper and parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles ALL need to cooperate and agree on the same path and direction in disciplining our children. If they come to contact with our children, these adults must be aware how we teach our children.


Violence, is however, NEVER tolerable or accepted. The helpers know this, and unless you have seen evidence of your helper ever violently handling your child, I wouldn't jump to conclusions or make false assumptions.


From what I have read from your previous posts, your helper takes very good care of your children.


Good luck.

I agree with the other responses. If your helper is not allowed to help in the discipline of your child by not letting her cross the boundaries you have set then it give your child a very mixed message. I have no doubt that you want you child to respect and obey your helper. The only way this will happen is if you allow your helper to reinforce the boundaries you as parent have set. You will find that your helper probably does not want to discipline your child - most don't - so the best thing to do is tell her how you want her to reinforce your rules in each situation so that both of you are aware of what will happen if you are not there. My youngest son went through a stage of hitting when frustrated. As parents we would not tolerate that and would put him in his bed for time out. We asked our helper to do the same.


It is very hard to play an important role in raising a child without the ability to discipline (in a loving way). You and your husband need to decide how you want to deal with unwanted behaviour and then let you helper know how you want her to deal with it. This will make it mech easier for both your helper and yourself.

In this case I don't think she was right to scold your child, you cannot force a child to fall asleep. You can take her to her room, make things quiet etc, but you can't force her. If my kids used to say they didn't want to sleep when they were smaller, and I knew they were tired, I used to say, OK just lie down on your bed and close your eyes and relax for 10 mins even if you can't sleep, they usually fell asleep. Maybe you daughter is getting a bit older and doesn't need her nap and that time, and needs it to be moved a bit later, or somedays just doesn't need a nap anymore.

It sounds to me like you have a very good helper who cares for your child well. I do agree that helpers should be alowed to disipline children in their care, otherwise the child often ends up taking advantage of the helper if they know they can get away with bad behaviour and your helper isn't able to do anything about it. However, I do think that scolding a child because they won't go to sleep is unecessary ... although by the same token I can understand the frustration whether you are the parent or the helper ... I did it myself! I suspect that your helper was probably concerned about what you might say if your child hadn't had her usual nap and you came home to a tired, grumpy, miserable child. She would probably be worried that you would blame her for not getting your child to sleep. And if she were to sleep later in the day, it may mean that she wouldn't want to sleep at her usual bedtime in the evening ... and your helper might worry that she would be blamed for that. If I were you I'd have a talk to your helper and let her know how much you appreciate the way she cares for your daughter, and let her know that you understand that sometimes, now your child is getting older she may not want as much sleep. Let her know that it will not reflect badly on her if your child won't sleep, and discuss between you what your helper should do in this situation ... just make sure that you let her know you will not blame her if your child won't sleep.

I would agree with cd...the fact that your toddler is not sleeping on her schdeuled naptime is not exactly a reason for scolding. The time she wasted in scolding her could have been put to a better use.


There are days when my daughter whos now 3 doesnt want to sleep on time. I just tell her that ok we lie down together and read a book..this goes for normally ard 15-20 mins and before u know it she says mumma i am sleepy...You definitely cannot force a child to sleep by scolding if she is not sleepy...there are days when a child is hyperactive and probably immersed in some interesting activity and hence not willing to listen about sleeping...


I dont think u are overreacting here...as u said there are clearly certain discipline issues which prob require raised voices but not this one in my opinion..

I have had to drill it into my helpers head to discipline my baby for all the same reasons I do. I don't scold or threaten the bubbs to try and make him sleep though, and neither does shee, as that will have the opposite effect, but certainly we both are very firm with him. But I've had to tell her and tell her, when I'd catch her being permissive with him. She bends and picks up stuff when he throws it on the floor and I've had to tell her to leave it there and either he picks it up himself or he understands its gone.


So yes, definitely, tough love encouraged from helper and anyone else who spots him being naughty.

Thanks, everyone, for your replies. Yeah, I had another talk with my helper to "clear the air" and all is well again (I think). She was indeed worried that I would be unhappy when I returned home to find my daughter still awake and she wanted to show me she could settle my daughter to nap too (previously my "job", you see). Anyway, I think she realises I don;t like raised voices in the house. So now the routine is modified so she only tries to settle her to nap at 3pm.


Is it normal for the daytime nap to drop at 2 yrs old? My daughter sleeps from 9pm to 9am.

My daughter just turned 2 last month, and there is no way she could do without a nap. She is so cranky without it. My friend has a 3 yr old and he has had a nap up until almost 3. My daqughter sleeps 8pm to 7 am., but our days are always busy and active.

I do allow my helper to disipline my child, as it does need to be consistent.

it must be just a phase mummybee1...i remmeber there were days when my girl too wouldnt want to settle in for a nap and then go to sleep early that night...but she never actually gave up her aftnoon sleep...shes now 3 and still needs it...so as i said just a phase...she will prob be soon going back to her naps..

I believe the kids start droping the nap only around 4 years old, they really need it until then..

My son stopped his afternoon naps before he was 2. It happened soon after we had moved and after the birth of our baby. It's not that he doesn't need it because he does start flagging a bit in the afternoons and looks tired but he simply refuses to nap. On the very rare occasions when I've managed to persuade him to lay down next to me in my bed because I'm desperate for a nap, he has dozed off and he also naps in the car if we're driving around in the afternoon. It also happens when he's out in the stroller but at home, he simply refuses and I've pretty much given up. He starts morning session at a kindergarten next month, and I'm waiting to see if he'll be tired enough to ask me to put him down for a nap when he's back from kindy.

My daughter is 3 years old. We started dropping her nap at around 30 months old.


My daughter, at her school is given a nap for almost 2 hours, and she almost always takes the two. But this generally pushes back her bedtime - from a 7 AM wakeup to a 7:30 bedtime to an almost past 9:00 PM bedtime. (even though I settle her in her room at 8:15ish)


On the weekends or vacation, she doesn't take a nap - and she has a cranky period close to dinner, but it passes and she goes to bed earlier. (7AM wakeup - to 7:30 bedtime.)