help

I have 2 1/2 year old and a 4 mth old, and I am losing it. I am a stay at home mum so spend nearly all my time with the kids I hardly go out socially and still feel like i don't spend enough time with them. try to spend productive time with my 2 yr old but these days she cries for everything eating sleeping chnaging clothes even playing. I feel like i am not teaching her anything she goes to playschool in the morning so i spend sometime with my 4 mth but i've just joined a gym n planned to get in shape but usually feel guilty doing that as well. I'd like to know how to be more productive with my kids and feel like i am making a difference staying at home with them I love them a lot but feel rather drained these days so how do i stop feeling this way.

do you have a helper or at least a part-time babysitter?


i have a 18 month old and I'm about 24 weeks pregnant. i am doing my best now to plan for next year so that i don't feel the way you do, which i expect is very common but stay home mums of a toddler and a new baby.


because i was very sick in the beginning of this pregnancy and my son was not yet of age for playschool, we hired a part-time babysitter. she would come in every morning just so that i can have some rest. and when i felt better, i ran errands on my own in the morning without my son - you can't imagine how much it is to accomplish certain things on your own and be able to sneak in a quick coffee break while you are at it! but because it's expensive (we got the babysitter through an employment agency), we'll be placing my son in a playschool next month for 3 mornings a week. i hope to continue my part-time work and run errands, have a breather while he is in school. and when the new baby arrives, we will hire a part-time babysitter again (get a local lady through friends' recommendations to avoid paying hefty agency fees) for a few afternoons a week. i plan to use that time to run errands, work and take time off for myself and hopefully have one afternoon when i can take my toddler out for a special treat. i initially asked my husband if he thought it was a waste of money but he said that i will need to take time out for myself. so i will.


so that's my plan, not sure if it will work but i'm making really hoping i don't have the feeling of being stuck home all day. i used to think that i should do everything on my own but i decided that if i outsource a little, i'll be a happier and more productive mum. and this is when the kids sleeping through idea is SO IMPORTANT. it was tough love for my son in the beginning to get him to sleep through the night but one really great thing about it now is that i have regular dinners with other mums from my babygroup. it's so much more enjoyable knowing that your kid is settled in bed while you're out trying to have a nice time.


i don't think my post provides a concrete solution but if you are feeling trapped, you should really go out and do something on your own. and you should join the gym, don't feel guilty about it! i think a regular workout will make you feel much better and energetic to keep up with your kids too!!


good luck!

Hi mel,


I am also a stay at home mum and sometimes feel that I am about to lose it, so I'm really not much help, but just want to let you know that you are not alone!


We moved here a year ago while I was pregnant and now have a 7 month old, and still no friends, no social life! I think that, to some extent, I am to blame, but now that I sort of know what to expect from motherhood, I'm trying to work my way around it.


When we first arrived, we were so busy with trying to settle in, find an apartment, furnish the apartment, find a hospital (all within budget) etc etc...then our baby arrived and I've been hard at that. I have no help, a husband that works long hours, and as a first time mum with no support/social network, I've really had to go it alone. It's been rough especially dealing with her eczema and STRUGGLES to fall asleep everyday. It's quite a shock for someone that didn't expect motherhood to come so soon (or maybe at all?)!


Other mums might think of me as pathetic, but given the lack of support I have and the feeling that I still haven't regained the energy that I once had, I'm pretty sure that I'm doing a fantastic job.


Having said that, I realize that you have 2 little ones to care for and I can only imagine how tough that must be. Mel, you are way ahead of me! I really don't think you should feel guilty about wanting to go to the gym or take some time off for yourself. If you have the means, go for it. I think it's pretty safe to say that the exercise and getting back into shape can only do you good - your health, your self-esteem, and for the people around you.


I haven't gotten around to getting out and doing my own thing yet so I really can't talk, but after much thought, I've come to the understanding that taking care of myself will only make me a better mum and wife. I figure there is no use trying to do it all if I'm just frustrated and wearing myself out from doing the same thing all the time. It may, infact, be counter-productive. At the moment, my husband and I are looking for some short courses/activities that I can take up just to get me out and slowly ease my way back into society ;) It's a work in progress.


I know I'm not much help, but thought I would share my story and hope it could mean something, anything.


Hang in there!

Dear Mel,


I'm at a similar stage to you with my youngest (a few weeks younger than yours) and the middle one also 2 1/2. I also have a 5 year old, so went through your situation 2 1/2 years ago.


I can relate to the guilt. My 'problem' is that I hate to hand the children, especially the baby, over to anyone apart from my husband. I feel that I gave up work to bring up the children and that I am short-changing them to subcobtract their care. I know plenty of women who hand let their helpers or nannies do plenty of childcare and their children seem to be very happy and balanced little people.


My two older children are in nursery/school though, so it's just the baby and I in the mornings. I use that time to get chores done, meet friends for brunch, go shopping etc. with the baby in tow. In a month or so I will sign up for a mother and baby swim class and maybe PEKIP or a playgroup. Is there something like that near you? It would give you a morning or two a week meeting up with people in a similar phase and let you all pop for a coffee afterwards.


I use our helper to do as many chores as possible, so that I am freed up to enjoy time with the children. She does the housework, some cooking and odd trips to the supermarket/post ofice and so on. When the older children are asleep, she sometimes babysits and my husband and I head out for dinner with the baby in the car seat (usually asleep, but I relax knowing that I can feed immediately if needed). We also invite friends over for dinner, and have proper adult evenings with me excusing myself occasionally to feed, change nappies, sing a lullaby etc.


If you want to exercise and do not want to leave the baby, could you take a brisk walk with the pram/stroller either alone or with another Mum?


Once you get into a routine, it all gets easier. The 'terrible 2s' are often made worse by the arrival of a sibling though - can really relate to that. There were plenty of times when my previously angelic eldest child turned into a tiny monster when no. 2 came along. Unfortunately, it is a 'testing the boundaries' phase even without this major upheaval. This too shall pass!


Your 2 1/2 year old is 'learning' lots by just being with you. One of the risks of living in HK is that people try to get their children to do too much formal learning too soon. By reading your daughter stories, playing with her dolls, colouring, Lego etc., she's learning lots from you.


I'm sure that things will quickly settle down for you. Despite what Gina Ford will have you believe, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting your baby sleep in the car seat while you get out of the house in the mornings or whenever. Don't worry, just do things at your own pace. You'll soon have a routine that works for you and your children. Good luck!

Just wanted to add that I think mrsl's suggestion of doing errands/activities WITH your children is a great idea. Though I'm sure it's good to get out on our own and among adults, maybe it's not necessarily about getting out alone but also about doing very usual things like having friends over for dinner or going for coffee and getting used to doing all that with children.


With no helper and on a tight budget, I know that there is just about no option for me but to find ways to do things around my hubby's schedule and always with baby. Mind you, even if I did have a helper, I'm sure I'd still always have baby in tow. I'm just that kind of person that likes to be in charge of my own affairs so I know that I need to find the happy medium.


I really hope that I'm not making silly, inappropriate comments here. Guess I'm sort of stuck in a similar situation and have been trying to work through the stuck-at-home feeling.

Hi everyone,

I can totally relate to the tuck at home with baby all day feeling. although i only have 1 at the moment so i can only imagine how tough it is to have 2. i don't have a helper so i'm doing everything by myself which means i pretty much don't have a social life either. I have reactived my yoga membership for the last month but have yet to go...I actually looked into the playgroups posted online and showed up for a few of them so for the past month or 2 baby and i attend 2 informal playgroups a week to get us out of the house. It makes me feel better to talk to the other moms and to see MM interact with the other kids. We also make an attempt to travel with hubby when he goes on work trips. I also started writing a blog since august and found that it's put me in a better place mentally. i feel more like a "normal" person and can write about my feelings and thoughts. otherwise there are some days it's "twinkle, twinkle, itsy bitsy, da da da..." ALL DAY LONG!! being a SAHM is such an isolating job sometimes...Sometimes if i'm having a tired day i just lay around with my son and put on my favorite music and sing along (not baby music, i'm talking James Blunt or Damian Rice, or Hip Hop or Rock - whatever I'm in the mood for). Lifts my spirits and i know the music is good for mm. There is so much pressure to be the perfect mom...it's hard and i can totally relate to your feelings of guilt. I haven't been out with my husband ALONE without the baby in almost 9mths...something i know i'll eventually do but i'm just not ready to yet...haha like really I wasn't prepared for mommy guilt...it's awful!! hey just a thought but maybe other moms can suggest and swap ideas for fun activities for mom and toddler to do? it must be hard to entertain an active child the whole day :) It took me a really long time to get out and about alone with the baby...sorry i think i'm rambling a bit here but i too just wanted to tell you that you're not alone.

No you are not alone. I have a 2.5 year old son and a 6 month old daughter and I struggle to feel like I meet both of their needs and my own. We currently live in Australia but are moving ot Hong Kong in January which will present me with all new issues I am sure. But, just to add the information and support provided on this site is useful already.


My son has started having some interesting behaviours and my daughter has only just started sleeping more than 2 hours at night. But for my son I try to spend time with him doing what he wants and encourage him to help me with house work such as washing dishes, turning on the washing machine and sweeping the floor. I think he feels very grown up and helpful to do this. He also whines and cries for certain things and I have started telling him I can't hear him when he talks like that and he needs to use his words. I also make sure he is well rested and eats at regular intervals since he is very affected by a drop in blood sugar. He also thrives on small routines throughout the day such as having our morning snack together at the same time, watching a certain tv show at the same time.


And yes, I thrive on getting out with other Mom's which helps both the kids and myself cope with the day.


Mel- Where do you live? Our kids are almost the same age and I would be willing to get together for play dates when I arrive. We will start out in North Point and are looking for something in the Quary Bay or Tai Tam area.

MM directed me here. I've officially had enough. I have a 2.8 year old, no helper and no social outlet for my son or myself. I think it's time to OFFICIALLY launch the 'PLAYMATE PLEA' playgroup for children AND their mothers.I have no idea where to meet so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know. Mel or anyone who has posted here - If you are interested in getting out of your cramped apartment or need me to come over and help 'uncramp' it andlisten to you vent (as long as you let me vent) email me. I live in Central, and hopefully we can organise ourselves before Kim arrives and can join. I don't think it matters how old or the kids are because eventually we will find people in a similar situation that have kids of similar ages.

Please e-mail me before any of us do anything drastic!

serenitysempress@yahoo.co.uk

MM thank you sooooooooooooo much!

P.S! OFFICIAL WARNING BEFORE YOU E-MAIL

I'm very down to earth, do not have the latest prada handbag, have 'skinny' jeans and 'fat' jeans, have bad days, love to complain (well my husband says so), and am a complete nerd who looks nothing like Kate Moss. NOTHING LOL

The "Playmate Plea" playgroup has officially been started and is now found in the "Playgroups" section of Advice Forums.


Thanks!