15 years old daughter ... What would you do? Advices please...!!

It's few weeks I turn some facts into my head and I still don't know how to find a way... Here are the facts :

(sorry might be a bit long)


My daughter turned 15 a couple of days ago. She is a beautiful girl, seems mature, school marks are not top but ok (71% last term exam - 68% last term marks). She was hard working in primary, sharp mind and she can do much better than that... anyway...


Here are the facts : She spends a lot of time with her friends, non stop on internet (msn/facebook/myspace and so on) at home and seems to live for her friends, she has lost her interest about reading, culture and activities, except taekwendo she practices with her dad and sister and brothers once a week.

Love everything about Closer, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, make-up, shopping, clothes, nail polish and so on (ok... she is 15...)


She has boyfriends one after another (what I mean is that it doesn't last and they split up quite fast), so each time her heart is broken for one day or so... and all this gives her a lot to think and spend a lot of time to turn the whole things + all the details in her head...


She keeps a lot for herself and communication is not easy, furthermore she starts to see us (father & I) as two "old" things (I am 39!!!!) and makes us feel she know life and everything around much better than us.


Some 3 months ago I discovered cigarettes in her room... conforted her... yes she was smoking (it was the only pack, she said... we talked to her and it looked like she listened and quit).


All those points took me to think something was going on, and one day she left her laptop on while away... I couldn't help... I know it's bad but I felt I had to know more about what was going on... (she was also used to click another window each time I was passing by, quickly hiding webpages, and it was REALLY getting on my nerves!!!)


The "secret" :

She sneaks out at night, meet some of her friends till sometimes 4am (they took pictures). She is out with her school friends and also meet random local boys and girls of her age (everybody knows that in such a conservative singaporean society, teenagers going out at night when they are 14 years old are not the most recommended friends to have..)


Early 2008, she invited a friend of her from Bangkok (her mum is a good friend of mine), and that week-end as well they have been sneaking out 2 times in a row (that's when i got suspicious). Needless to say they made the wrong decision : what if something happened to them.. How to explain to the mum who trust me and send her daughter to my house?


She was used to sleep over at some friends house, but I put a full stop in June last year due to her school result, worse than now (I was suspecting few things like going out at night on Orchard.. girls were between 13 and 14 at that time!!).


When snooping into her laptop, i discovered that a boyfriend of her (they split on new year eve, together for one month or so) was a local boy 16, expelled from school, and into tatoos and piercings (picture was showing his art on himself!) and my daughter seemed very proud when she replied to the comment of her oversea friends about him..


Ok, so here is the deal : I don't know how to handle that. For sure I will catch her next time she sneaks out, then what? How?


I don't want her to rebel, she already keeps a lot for herself...how to make her understand she makes the wrong decision ?

How to get her back on good tracks ?


I am upset because she lies to us... sneak out of the house (from her bedroom window) and somehow doesn't respect the rules of the house (no girl outside when it's night until she finishes high school, or earlier if the grades are excellent and proves that she is mature enough to handle school and outings).

She has all week-end day time and sometimes after school to see her friends.. gosh !


I now have a hard time to trust her because she made a lot of empty promisses to us already, and i know that, once again, she will promiss...


Yesterday a friend called her to invite her around 11pm on Orchard.. I said no and she wasn't surprised by the answer. Later I ask her how her friends could be so free to go out at night? how the parents let them ? She said that since many years they go out at night and the parents agree on it.

I then suggested that I might get in touch with the parents to understand their point of vue.. she then shut down immediately (IPod mode).

Does it means that her friends are sneaking out too????

Gosh I can't believe parents let their 14 or 15 years old daughters out at night !

Am I the one stupid here??



So ladies, what do you think? How would you handle that ?

Dear Flashback and Len, Thanks for your inputs, I am still thinking hard and hope to get other views/advices.


Anyway, I never had intention to call the school or tell the parents about their daughter sneaking out.


Thank you for your suggestion Flashback, I think it's a wise and smooth one regarding the situation.


I still have hard time to admit a 14 years old can be out at night.., sorry Len.

meanwhile, you raised a very good point : I must think about the reason why she believes lying is the only way.


For the rest, I thank you for the points you developped Len, I read, keeping in mind that theory is one thing but when applied to reality, razor sharp statements can't help much.

I too have 3 degrees and in a pratical way, raising children and general life experience, I am still learning everyday... One thing I learned for sure is to be humble deep down and don't judge people.


I know no teenagers parents who would lecture me the way you do, why? because they experienced how challenging it is to deal with teenagers, and how questions and worries can keep banging in our head, wondering how we can be better parents and give them the best life approach to be happy adults.


And sorry, but a girl who just turned 15 two days ago, is really not an adult.

Thank you so much Flashback and Saikunga, I deeply appreciate your words, their are realistic, positive and show that a lot can be (still) done, your experience is precious to me :)


It was mostly the fact that I have been kept in the unknown by my daughter that worried me much... fears.. we all come down to it, when we feel we are no more in control, right ? I need to relax and trust her more, agreed.


The sneaking out question added to the fact that since 6 months her school marks are dropping really affected me and the dual attitude (her so mature talks vs thinking about her climbing over her window) upset me.

The pierced boyfriend is more a detail, she will slowly learn by herself which men bring out the best of her and make her shine..


I am not really proud of having snooped in her laptop, the urge to know/try to understand what was going on was so high.. it shows me that trust issues really needs to be fixed between her an me.


My main concern is that her bad choices lead her to bad path and she

might, once she understands it, have a had time stepping away either because of a bad consequence or just because it will be too late ..


I am not trying to justify anything here, but school is a priority for me, she knows why it is important to get good grades and understood it will allow her to have bigger and better choice of school later. She wants to be a lawyer (since quite some times now, and she is still quite ambitious about it).

The thing is she works less than before at school, it shows more and more on her marks, precisely the moment she should give her best !


And the whole outing thing is there : For her to go out more freely I ask for good marks (since one year now..), a way to show me she is responsible and can handle work and fun together.. She always give her word but each report card is not better than the previous one..


Regarding the curfew, you are right, a curfew is better than a blanket. We will talk about it with her.

Here again, I am ok to know she is out if there is a "reason" (like tonight, her girlfriends organized a dinner for her, and I had no reason to refuse her to go). The problem arises when they go out to do "nothing", hang out on Orchard road, Clarke Quay at night, behave loudly and a bit inapropriated for some 15 years old girls (some of her friends are very daring).


I understand her need to search for her own identity and the fact that she has to go through a "try" process and learn from the responses she gets (mine not being the most important one), I understand and agree. I have been there, we all have been there..


The fact that she lost all interested in reading, activities, and stay stuck to her laptop all day and evening... she pratically sleep with it ! Worries me as I see no balance into that (she does her homework while chatting and listening to music).

I am very much an internet person but I don't go all over the house carrying my laptop to msn non stop !!!



Anyway, I think I needed to vent a bit there ;)


She is my oldest daughter... I have a youngest who is 10 and two boys in between.. ;) Maybe I shouldn't think too much about what awaits me in the next few years ha ha ha, I think i will need be ready for the ride !)


Thank you again for the wise analyses and support you gave me Ladies !

Can you find something the two of you will do together? Some sort of female bonding? It sounds like the two of you have drifted apart and as a result she's turned to her friends and computer for comfort. A counsellor would also be a wonderful idea. Or at least a trusted auntie or mentor for her to bridge the gap.

to be perfectly honest.. (im 24) i have the same thng with my parents until was 18.. thing is.. she sneaks out cos she thinks you ( as her parents wont allow her to be her "cool friends" who go to pubs and stuff like that..


but this i know,, my parents never really forbis me to do somthing as long they know who im with and where i am at the time.. mind you i had to make a thousand phine calls a night ( more like 2-5) to tell em im ok. but it worked for me,


most teens think that parents arent cool enough to let em do what other teens do ( pubs and smoking) i was smoking since i was 16 but id rather that i havent to be perfectly honest..


point is..let her know that she can go out her friends until a certain time. dont give too many "forbidens"coz most teens hate that.. let her make some mistakes on her own.. but also let her know that you there when she needs you be open to her.. talk to her about "adult" stuff

To Clarins,

I'm sorry I can't be much help, my daughter is now 19 but to be honest we never had any real problems with her. She always told us where she was going, and like aloneforaday, phoned us several times while she was out. Don't get me wrong, she still went out to pubs and clubs before she was old enough, occassionally got drunk, but never pushed the boundaries, and always felt she could tell us things, and call us in an emergency (which she had to at 3am one night).

The only advice I can give, is to try and sit her down and talk, calmly without shouting, explain the way you feel and why. And that you don't mind her going out with her friends, as long as you know where, make sure she phones at least a couple of times during the evening. Set a curfew, but tell her that it can be changed onces she has earned your trust. If she wants to get piercings, let her, at least piercings are not permanent, whereas tattooss are. Let her bring her friends back to her home as often as she likes, at least if they're at your house playing music, chatting etc then they're not out on the street. Try and get her interested in a sport or drama, or dance class. My daugter was really into drama and made some really close friends through it. Good luck

I attended a parenting teens workshop a couple weeks ago and was really surprised to hear that most parents in HK felt that 10:30 was unrealistic curfew in HK. This is primarily b/c nightlife doesn't get going until 11:30. So far, I have been lucky enough to have our place as the "hang out" for my son and his friends. If she is minding her responsibilities, then perhaps giving her a later curfew is merited.