How to explain to my son about his gender?

Hi all,


I am really at my wits end. My son (3.5 y.o) always confused whether he is a boy or girl. The situation is like this.


When he was younger, he showed that he is very interested with Barbie advertisement in TV. I told him he is not supposed to play with Barbie, but with other toys that is suitable for boys. Many times after that, when he talked, he would say he is a girl. I try to explained he is a boy... he would insist that he is a girl... Sometimes he argued he is a rabbit, but I said he is a rabbit boy... He would cried, but agreed.


Last night, we were reading about Jack n Jill went up the hill, etc. He said he is Jill and his younger brother is Jack. I told him, he is a boy so he became Jack and so does his brother. Mummy is a girl, so mummy is Jill. He didn't agree, and cried. He said he is a mother, although I tried to explain he will grow up become a father...


Last night he cried and cried, insisting he is Jill and a mother. I asked him, all his friend in his class... one by one, he understand who is boy and who is girl. I explained to him it is good to be a boy. Finally, he agreed that he is a boy.. after a long cry.


Similar accident like this also happened one or two months ago, I think he confused whether he is a boy or girl. What do I need to do in order to explain or to help him understand that he is a boy? Does this normally happen with other kids at this age? I am really worry...


Sorry, it is a bit too long. Thank you in advance

i agree with cara.

my almost 2 year old loves his PINK teaset, makes me lovely cups of tea along with plastic toast. i don't care that it's pink and i'm certainly not telling him that it's wrong for boys to like pink. my friend's kid has a broom to help mummy clean up and has a baby doll with a pram....our husbands might "pretend" to disapprove but at the end of the day, they are still very young, let them play what they like. i feel that if you keep telling him it's wrong to play with barbies, it'll make things worse,....your child should make his own choices - have a variety of toys for him to play with.


good luck! and as cara said, even if this insistence on being a girl is a sign of the future....so be it right? there's not much you can do, he is your son and you will love him no matter what.

How is his relationship with his Dad?

"first off... there's absolutely nothing wrong with a boy playing with barbies..


second... leave him be. he will eventually understand that he is a boy. he may end up being gay, but that shouldn't matter at all. you love him for who he is and not for his penis, right? pushing him and bringing him to tears so often is NOT going to help.


RELAX a little, mum!"


Agreed with Cara as always. If you force the issue you'll just create problems that will haunt him (and you) for the rest of his life. You can't force gender identity. It just becomes.


What are you afraid of? That he turns out to be gay? First off, playing with Barbies does not make a boy "destined" to be gay. Heck, I played plenty with dolls when I was a kid and I'm straight (although I will admit to being mildly aroused by Brad Pitt in "Troy"...). Secondly, there's nothing you can do about your son's sexual orientation anyway. Is it worth losing your son's love over the issue? If he does become gay, is it worth making him unhappy about it his whole life?


Love him for who he is, without seeing everything through the lens of outdated and damaging gender identity concepts.

hmm.. maybe I really need to be more relax, I am just too overly reactive. Maybe this is caused by our environment now, currently we live in bangkok. In our daily live, we see too many transexual every where... That's why I become so worried..

"hmm.. maybe I really need to be more relax, I am just too overly reactive. Maybe this is caused by our environment now, currently we live in bangkok. In our daily live, we see too many transexual every where... That's why I become so worried.."


It's possible the environment is increasing your already existing worry about his sexuality and gender identity. I must ask why you are worried at all about him being gay. My only worry if my daughters turn out to be homosexual is that many individuals and societies still make life quite difficult for gay people. They wouldn't need more issues from their parents on top of that.


BTW contrary to what many people think, sexual orientation is not "contagious". That is, being around gay and transgender people all the time does not make a child more likely to be gay. It may make him/her more likely to accept being gay if he/she already is so, but it doesn't affect the underlying sexual preference.


In any case it's probably academic since all this playing with Barbies and saying he's a girl is normal even for people who turn out straight as an arrow.


Lastly, I would urge you not to let your son know about these worries. Discuss them with your husband or with (very) good friends, but let your son grow up free of this kind of worry.

Yes, yes, yes. I agree with everything said. Just relax a little. Explain that he is a boy, but if he gets upset, ask him what he thinks he is or wants to be, and tell him that sounds great and always end the conversation with "I love you, XXXX, no matter who you are!"


Only time will tell why he has such a strong reaction to these conversations, but in the mean time you are both getting more upset about this that is really necessary. Note: I am NOT trying to belittle your feelings on this, as I can see why this would upset most parents, I just want you to know that it's okay to let him be a little kid wanting to be something/one else and just focus on loving and supporting him NO MATTER WHAT.


And do some reading, thinking, praying so you know where your heart stands.


Thanks for sharing with us-- and good luck (hugs)

Dear Cinnsim,


I understand your worry... of course, you'd be worried because like you say, transexuals are everywhere.


However, your son sounds so much like my cousin's. When she was 3, she kept insisting she was a boy. Her daddy had to take her to the loo because she felt she was a boy and did not want to go to mummy's toilet. She's now 6 and I just saw her at a wedding wearing a beautiful dress and holding a handbag with a make-belief make-up set.


What's more, my daughter used to love Thomas and Bob the Builder. We had a Thomas cake for her when she turned 3. She used to love wearing pants - skirts were too uncomfortable for her. I didn't think twice about buying her Thomas' outfits to wear or toys.... she even has a Thomas bicycle at home. She's only just changed her mind.... she now likes princesses, My Melody and her hairclips (she hated them before).


Sometimes it is sad that society associates cars or Thomas or blue with boys... and that dolls and pink are for girls. What's wrong with a girl playing with cars or a boy playing with dolls? Why can't they all play whatever they want?


There are many reasons why he may have said what he did. Eg. there are more girls around him, he's been told he is a boy so he wants to pretend he is a girl for a change, if Jack is his cousin then there's only Jill left so he doesn't mind being Jill, he loves mummy and wants to be a girl like mummy.....


I think the best is to let him be... let him explore. He's still young.


Good luck!