Stay At Home Mum's experience

Hi...I currently work full time and am toying with the idea of becoming a stay at home mum instead. Ideally a part time job is great, but in my field, this can be difficult.


Would like to know any positive and negative feelings after becoming a full time mum. What's the transition feeling from working full time, independent in financial and having freedom and break from your baby to fully taking care of your baby. is there any resentful feeling, in particular, as an aftermath for whatever reasons? I guess what kind of feelings I should be prepared for if i become a full time mum.

Have to talk hubby, and he is in support of me becoming full time mum. Ultimately, I get to make the final decision.

how old is your baby? i'm a SAHM since i gave birth, i love every minute of it as i can see all his first. I feed, bathe, play with him, time flies so fast, before you know it, it's time for dinner - cooking time again. I have a helper so i can still go out with friends and have my own time if i want to. No regrets. The most rewarding job i have.

no regrets but it's really hard work. so think it through first before you make the decision.

Agreed with cara. I will note that in HK life can be much easier if you have a helper.


As for unappreciated, that depends on your partner. Make them do the parenting for a weekend. That will change their attitude.

wwb - I have done both - went back to work when mine were 8 months old, was beating myself up about leaving them. Recently - a month or two ago - took 2 months unpaid to see how the whole stay at home thing works out - drove me mad I tell you!

I have been asking for part-time but in HK they look at you like they have never heard of it - so that did not work. In UK, Aus or NZ part-time is pretty common but not here of course..


From my perspective - it depends on you - some mums love it, some, like me, were going braindead... I love my kids, and I would love to be with them say 4 days and work 3 days, but that is not too be.. I could not do SAHM tho... Why dont you ask for 2-3 months unpaid and "test" it, like i did. Might find out that it is not for you...

I worked full time in a stressful job with a lot of travel prior to, and through, my first pregnancy.


After that, I worked from home so I could breast feed my baby, but suspended business travel and went in to the office for meetings. This slowly increased to being in the office two mornings, then 5 mornings a week, while working the afternoons from home.


Then I became pregnant again, worked from home again through the pregnancy, had an extended maternity leave (10 weeks paid, 2 months unpaid), then was planning to go back working from home again... but we relocated to Beijing and I had to resign.


I have been in Beijing 6 months now, at first not working at all, and now I have set up my own small one person consultancy and am doing some part time work from home and have to go to some meetings. My kids are 25 months and 11 months, the baby is still breast feeding 3 times a day.


When I was working, I thought staying at home would be ideal.

I have domestic help, although I find in Beijing it takes A LOT more of my time to manage my help and train them than it did in HK.

My son goes to kindy from 9-11 five days a week.


At first, I was really busy managing the move, setting up our house, dealing with crazy china issues... settling in, learning where to shop, etc... it took a long time and even now I am not as settled as I was in HK (where I lived for over 10 years).


But now, the kids are on a good routine, the domestic help is up to scratch (as much as I can ever expect), I am very happy to get back into some part time work.


While parenting is amazingly challenging and hard work and more rewarding than anything else, I also appreciate the challenge and stimulation of my career. I am in awe of women (and men!) who are completely satisfied with being successful parents... I just am not made like that!


In addition, at the moment I don't have a hobby or passion... I keep trying to get excited about things, but I just can't at the moment. Sometimes I think, if I had a real hobby I loved, I could divert my energy into that for some other type of stimulation besides parenting...


I think every person is different, and you can't predict how you will feel before you actually try it.


Some things you can do:

Think about ways you can do your job from home or part time... if not, are there other roles in your company you could play (maybe for less money).

Lots of new parents start baby related businesses - playgroups, products, services, etc... a woman I knew in HK ran a M-F playgroup at her home that parents paid for (she was registered with the gov), Karen in Beijing has a second hand baby store, Sophie in Macau has her cloth nappy business, MML has her new photography and blog business, another friend in HK turned to property invesments and has made more money doing that than she did as a high power lawyer!, anotehr friend is a major triathalete and she has continued with her training and running and taken up some hobbies and studies as well, another friend trains maids to do creative play with toddlers and works as a very high end ' teacher nanny', so many women now make slings or baby products at home and sell on the Internet...

Is there any passion or interest you have always wanted to try, but haven't had the time... maybe you could research that now, and if you start to feel like you need to 'do more' you can always experiment with that (be it a hobby or a job)

Is there any way you can capitalise on your experience and passions to offer part time consulting services or other assistance as a business

Are there any charities you could assist

Is there a hobby you wish you had or you have but wish you were better at


Of course, saying all of that, you might find this is just what you have always wanted and achieve a fabulous balance between parenting and taking care of you (that's the part I, and a lot of other women, have trouble with!) - and if your finances allow it, then you have nothing to worry about :)


Sorry this was a long ramble... but I guess there is really no overall answer to your question, except the one you give yourself in a few months time. The one practical thing you can do, is leave all doors open, but clear your desk of important matters so if you do decide to resign, it is easier for everyone.


Best of luck!!!

i think crj sums it all up quite well.

it's really a personal decision and you might think differently once you're actually doing it.

i really wanted to stay home to be a mum and i have been for the past 23 months and in the last few months, started helping my hubby out with his work, but it doesn't take more than 1 hour per day. i have a babysitter 2 mornings a week when my tot is at home, other days he's in daycare and i have a part-time cleaner who comes in once a week.

still, it was a shock to the system initially. the endless cycle of feeding, changing, napping, routines, etc really got to me. i thought to myself, gosh i love this kid but is this really my life? but then i got used to it and things got better when i met more mums and other kids. i also took pride in certain obsessions, such as pureeing every veggie and fruit under the sun when i introduced solids, stuff like that i knew a working mum might not have the luxury to do so. and when my toddler was older, sleeping better, the mums and i started going out for our monthly night out, conversations still revolving around kids but nice to have some time out. i started to find life back to normal again, cooking, shopping, doing nice things for myself like mani, pedi....you get the picture.

then 7 weeks ago, life changed again when no. 2 arrived. it's hard work going back to square one but i know it'll be easier with time. you just need to hang in there and having a supportive husband who will put up with your occassional meltdowns really help.

i dreaded helping my husband out when he started his own business - i thought to myself that one hour a day working was one hour me time or time with my tot. but the business is for the family, so when i go that into my head, i actually enjoyed it and suddenly it became nice to have something to do that is completely different once a day.

sorry i am rambling, maybe not making sense anymore. just want to say that it really depends on you whether it'll work or not. we all have different experiences. for me, my priorities is to ensure my 7 week old gets into a decent routine soon so that i can spend more time with my toddler, do the stuff we used to do together before baby arrived and also help my husband out more again. and when my baby hits 18 months, he will attend daycare 3 mornings a week, i will re-arrange my toddler to arrange school then instead of 3 full-days. for these mornings, it'll be me-time, errand time, working time. and my long-term plan is to further my studies in some way - i keep thinking i want to take a course in early childhood education. so wounwounbee, if you make the decision to stay home, try it out, no harm but it's not the only thing if you have to do if you change your mind. do what makes you happy - happy mum, happy child!


good luck!

oh, just to share. i know 2 mums:

first one - always seemed more maternal to me but couldn't wait to jump back into work 1-2 months after popping. she's got 2 kids, looked after by her maid....the maid's great, her kids are great and they all have a fab time but this mum will never stay home. and it doesn't make her a bad mum, in fact i think she's a really happy mum and she makes up for loss time over the weekend.

second mum - always seemed to hate children...the sort who will shoot daggers at kids in restaurants after 7pm (isn't it bedtime). but fast forward now, she's a mum of almost 6 month old, took unpaid leave and has to go back to work soon and DREADING it.

so, all i want to say is you'll never know until you try!

I've been a stay at home mum for 19 years and wouldn't change it for the world. The kids don't get all the latest gadgets that a lot of their friends get, they don't get several holidays a year, their clothes mainly come from markets and outlet shops, and they get driven around in a 15 year old car. But that is more than compensated by the fact that I've been able to spend their childhood with them, and I think its something that they've really appreciated and felt lucky with from the feedback that I've had from them.

Hi thanks for all the advice.... actually, i took further unpaid leave after my maternity leave. my bub was 7.5 months old when i return to work, and i've return for about 2 months or so by now. i was eager to come back to work, and was 'celebrating' the new 'freedom' i have! i went out shopping during lunch time, and met up with friends / colleagues whom i haven't met for AGES! It was GREAT! many told me i would miss my bub when return work, well..i did may be for the 1st 3 days and after that, it was just normal... i spend time with him in morning before i go to work and when i return, if he is not yet sleeping and takes care of him over the weekend. i don't feel i miss his growth (yet perhaps...)


after 2 months of 'freedom' and 'enjoyment', i now started to feel tired cos i used to be able to catch naps during the day with my bub.... i also don't find work as interesting as it used to be....and sometimes, when i think of improving my bub's food menu, i feel that i couldn't do it cos i m not home. i would love to try new recipe with bub...


after reading all your advices, i feel that i don't have a compelling reason to want to stay at home. (or above are good reasons?? i m still figuring it out).. i feel that mums want to stay at home either because they got no other day care help or they really want to see their bub development growth every stage of their live. i m neither of this.


crj..i m not a business minded woman, so i don't really fancy setting up something on my own or with friends... i m like you, dont have particular hobby..so i can't htink of what i want to do if i become a stay at home mum beside taking care of my bub.


i don't know is it a transition or adjustment period for me, i feel either way, work or stay at home, is not totally ideal for me. what will be great is a part time job!! so, i think i may explore this venue first.......

really, it's a personal choice.

you've only been back for 2 months, see how that goes first.

personally, if you ask me, i wouldn't stay home just because my current job is uninspiring...i would only stay home because i really want to stay home.

good luck with your decision.

woonwoonbee, I'm a working mother.


I am working out of necessity, because financially we would not be able to afford our current lifestyle without both parents working. We live in NT and in a small apartment so I'm not talking about trying to support a "high end" lifestyle.


When I married my husband, I left my family, friends and career behind in Sydney because I felt it important to create my own family. After I gave birth, I had to go back to work immediately. I work for his family's business and his mother made it very clear that if I wanted more than the 6 weeks maternity leave, I would have to take unpaid leave. We needed my income so I had no choice but to go back. I felt REALLY guilty because I really wanted to be there for my little girl 24 hours a day (ie. being a stay at home mum). I didn't mind the hardwork. I WANTED to be with her and felt it worth it. When I was forced back to work, I hated it and I think in a way, 3 years later, I still feel I've lost the "drive" to work. I'm just "at work" for the sake of bringing income to my family.


Fortunately for me, I work VERY close to home so I can see my daughter off on the school bus in the morning and I can see her during my lunch break from work. I leave work at 5.30pm on the dot and I'm home by 6pm. I have 2.5 hours with her before she sleeps. I don't feel I've missed out on much because she's at school in the day time and she naps in the afternoon. My helper sees as much of her as I do.


I know that I'm underpaid in my husband's company. I know I can get 3-5 times more working OUT of his family but at least at his family's company, I have the flexibility to take days off or time off whenever I need to. I don't do this often but definitely MORE often than someone who's working for others... and eventually, his family's business will belong to him and his brothers (not that I care). But the main thing is, I have lots of flexibility to be with my daughter with the current arrangement.


Yeah, I think it is a good idea exploring part time work. If not, maybe you could find a job closer to home or move somewhere close to your job so you can see bub more often.


It's really tough being a mother. Ideally we'd have time to ourselves, time for our career, time to keep our houses tidy and most importantly, time to be a good parent who's always there for our children. But I think it's this expectation to be "superwoman" that leaves us feeling guilty if we do not fulfill ALL of the roles. We can only do our best..... whatever we decide to do. Good luck.

"have you never heard someone ask the question "do you work?" to which the woman replies..."no, i'm JUST a stay at home mum""


That's just classic. So sad too. It's not like the "just stay at home mum" is any less essential. Also, I don't really feel like I need to measure my contribution monetarily. The way my wife and I arrange our life is our business. She doesn't think less of me because I don't work and I don't think less of her because she's tired and stressed from work a lot of the time.


The looks I get from some people when I say I'm the "token stay at home dad" are quite something. Normally I get some variation of "you are looking for work though right?" Their eyes bug out nicely when I casually say "not really..."


My mother is good at dropping hints too. It didn't help to say that, you know, my wife made multiple times what I did even when I worked so you do the math... I eventually asked her if it would have been different if I'd been a woman. She said "yes". Since then I've just learned to turn a deaf ear.

I think we can safely assume in context that sentence is often short for 'I don't work outside of the home earning a paycheck'

"but xpatguy, you just did it yourself...


you said, "...because i don't work..."

THAT'S the point that i'm trying to make... you DO WORK...you do one of the most difficult jobs in the world and our futures are in your hands..."


Touché. ;)


I assure you I meant "because I don't bring home a paycheck" just as crj said.

On a different note... last night I went out for a mummy dinner...

About half of them work, and half are stay at home.


A woman at the dinner just moved from BJ from the UK. She has three kids about 8, 6 and 2 or maybe it was 10, 6 and 2 - something like that.


She said she only ever wanted to be a stay at home mum, that she loves it and couldn't be happier. She said she is one of her only friends who doesn't work (outside the home earning a paycheck). In the UK she spent a lot of time in her garden, taking the kids for walks to see the tractors and cows in the fields, cooking, taking care of the house - and obviously loving every minute.


Since coming here a couple of months ago, she has filled her time with taking chinese cooking classes, getting involved with social groups, and only has her ayi cook one meal a week (since she loves cooking). She also said, that she could totally understand that if she was a stay at home mum in Asia, she might not have enjoyed it so much with all the household issues being taken care of by an ayi and not having a garden, etc...


It was a very interesting conversation.


I have to admit, I WISH I could be more involved and satisfied and fulfilled by these things... but sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I am not!! But in reflection, I never was a broody type, I never really wanted to have children until I met the man who is now my husband, and thought it would be quite nice to have kids with him. So now here I am with two beautiful children, I have experienced the happiest possible moments, but I still have random thoughts at times like 'what happened??? I was a party girl only yesterday and now this!!! aaauugghh!!', but they only last a split second :)


The more parents I talk to, the more amazed I am!

he he crj, i had mummy drinks/dinner last night too!

and we talked about being SAHM...one is doing a PHD and juggling a toddler and plans to go back to work once she completes her thesis, another one has 2 (one recently just like me) and plans to have a 3rd before going back to work.

we're all so different in thinking, amazing isn't it?


i used to be a party girl too....i don't really miss the late nights anymore but i do miss waking up late on a weekend after a good night out and strolling to the river for a late breakfast and reading the newspaper without someone trying to eat the headlines.....arghhhh....don't think will experience that again for at least the next 10 years? and was just talking to my friends last night about sunday brunches...hotels here do a buffet with free flow champers, a very decadent way to spend your weekend, great fun when it's someone birthday or farewell, i don't think i'll ever enjoy that the same way again.....NO REGRETS about my 2 wonderful boys but when you are 28 and most of your friends are still partying and most importantly, carefree....you do feel abit nostalgic at times..... :)


MayC, your MIL is tough! But you are doing a fab job, don't feel bad about not being a SAHM!!!

you get the stick for working (ouside home I mean) too. In our building I think maybe 10% of mums work (again outside!) and 90% stay at home. And sometimes if someones asks and I say I work, they look at me like I have, i dont know my knickers on my head or something... so yes, goes both ways...

yep, can't win - if you stay home, you're supposedly too useless to earn money outside. if you work, you're a terrible mum missing out on the best years of your kid's life....there's another singapore-based expat forum....you cannot imagine how innocent questions regarding helpers and kids turn into complete tirades about why people bother to have kids if they can't look after them in the first place....blah blah blah

"I have to admit, I WISH I could be more involved and satisfied and fulfilled by these things... but sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me that I am not!!"


Some people love doing kid stuff and being with the kids all the time. Some don't. Doesn't mean you love your kids more or less. I can get really bored playing with my kids. I'm not always the most "present" of stay at home dads that way. But there are plenty of things to do that don't involve kids. My wife doesn't really have the time or the inclination for grocery shopping, small home maintenance tasks, errands, paying bills. Kids are not the only thing in the stay at home dad/mum life. As other's have mentioned, filling my days with things to do is the least of my problems.


My wife told me she finds it quite luxurious to have a stay at home dad. I used to travel about 150-200 nights a year and she really had to do everything. Now she can work without that pressure.

thank crj for sharing yr UK fren story with us. I have been a full time stay at home mum for nearly 2 years, and recently feeling abit tired & lost, wondering if i should join back the workforce again. i enjoyed being with my girls & watching them grow, but the daily routine is killing me. like cara said, something i juz feel so unappreciated.


Now yr fren has definitely given me more ideas how i should made good use of my time with my kids.

You know, in Sweden, dads get "paternal leave" too, to look after their children. They get half a year, or was it a year? Fully paid.


I heard from my sister in Canada that she gets paid half her salary for not working in her baby's first year.


Sadly, in Asia and in place like HK, making money matters more. It matters so much that people have to work Saturdays too. I've blatantly refused to work on Saturdays eventhough it's our own business. I know that I only get one chance to see my daughter grow up and right now, she needs me. It won't be long before she grows up and feels embarrassed being seen with me.

Have to add... (sorry).... for the working mothers.... because I am one too. It's very tough on us too.... we work outside home and at home too when we come back. We try to do our best organise things at home with our helper, making sure we have enough time with our children by performing all the motherly and household duties we didn't do while away from home.... and doing all these mean we work 7 days a week without a break.


Mothers everywhere should be praised... whether you work full time or a stay at home mum. It is the hardest job in the world but the most fulfilling.


Okay I better end my long winded stories now ;-)

"You know, in Sweden, dads get "paternal leave" too, to look after their children. They get half a year, or was it a year? Fully paid."


In Sweden you get a year at 90% salary. You can stretch it to two years for the same money (thus 45% salary). This can be taken by either mummy or daddy or shared.


The money does come from somewhere though. Tax pressure in Sweden is among the highest in the world at around 70%. Apart from the fact that everybody pays for those who want kids (and how is that fair?) tax pressure that high has negative effects on the economy.


We knew people in the US who saved money instead, then took unpaid leave. This makes much more sense to me. If you want to take time off, fine, but don't ask the state (and thus the taxpayers) to foot the bill beyond what is medically reasonable (6-12 weeks).

I am 36 and started working when I was around 16/17 in Australia. Eventually I married and we had a little girl. I took 12 months maternity leave and I struggled terribly, having Post Natal Depression didn't help obviously. I just was not one of these mums to stay at home. It's just a personal thing. I started working part-time which was perfect. I didn't feel the guilt sending my child to daycare and we got to spend the other days together. There was a nice balance.


Since moving to HK, I have given up what feels like work, independence and my identity to a degree. I'm certainly by no means resentful towards my husband at all for moving us here, I'm 110% supportive as it's for our future. He never says anything about me spending money or going out to lunch (not that I do that much) and has been the sole push in us getting a helper to give me more a life. It's purely me feeling guilty about not earning my own money and contributing, even though my husband says I contribute by everything I do at home and everything else outside the workplace. It's a working thing that's difficult to let go of after nearly 20 years!


Since my child started school, i have managed to get my foot in the door and get some part-time work at the school, which is fantastic. It's given me a real boost and i feel like there is more a purpose of why I'm here. We have a second child on the way and i know having the helper will be wonderful to give me the independence that I have had since I was 16. I know it's probably a psychological thing, but it's hard to let go of a life you have had for so long and then be SAHM. It's an emotional rollercoaster. I would love to be one of those mums and I tell you I take my hat off to the SAHM because it truly is the hardest job in the world. But then the cuddles and kisses and unconditional love you receive is worth 10 paypackets! I just need a bit of both in my life! It really is a difficult decision, but if you have a supportive partner like I have, then it certainly makes the decisions easier. Good luck!