Anyone gone through emotional struggle in deciding working vs staying at home?

anyone to share? i can't decide what i want. i neither want working full time and ideally not staying at home full time. now..i m on an overseas biz trip..and all i want to is to become stay at home and looks after my 10 mth old boy...but i know after taking care of him two days...i probably wanting to have a break from him..... Is this a common feeling...to struggle in between decision? i feel unsettle and miserable with this emotional struggle and inability to decide what i want to do....

You are not alone. I think many many parents go through this struggle.


With us it was a decision dictated by economics. It simply makes much more sense for my wife to work given the disparity of our incomes. That doesn't mean my wife doesn't get pangs of guilt. But she does try her best to spend time with the kids. Between the helper and myself, she doesn't have to cook, do laundry, clean the house or wash dishes. So when she is home she can spend quality time with the kids.


It is also quite common to feel that you need a break from your kids. This doesn't mean you are a bad parent. Parenthood is not always clear cut.


Your children will love you even if you are away. Just make sure they don't guilt you into spoiling them.

WWB - there was a thread v recently about work vs stay at home mom - have a look through it - there are a lot of good points from both sides!

hi wwb,

i had that huge struggle after the birth of my first one. i went back to work for a year but constantly wished i was at home looking after him, even though, like you, after a few days it was nice to have a break.


after a year of work i then gave up but what i do now is that i make sure that i still get time on my own for a part of the week. my son is now two and he goes to kiddie school a couple of times a week, and i make sure my helper takes him out some mornings. generally for me, the mornings are my own where i get to catch up on paperwork and go to the gym, and the afternoons are with my kids. that way i am relaxed in knowing that i've got all my things done and can spend the time with my kids.


being a mum doesn't have to be the all sacrificing job which some people make it out to be. some mums do more than others - for me persoanlly, i like a bit of space to do my gym and running and so i make sure i get it. i don't go to lunches with my friends ot play tennis etc....but others do. i am a big believer in that if the mother is happy then the child is happy too!


the choice ultimately is yours. fyi, since i've given up work i haven't regretted it at all!!

you are obviously quite conflicted since this is the second thread you have created about this topic.

all i can is...the grass will always look greener on the other side...i am reading your post (and i gather from your beijing question) that you will have some time ot yourself on this overseas trip AND I AM ENVIOUS for that....a few nights of sleeping in a nice comfy hotel bed without worrying about kids, experiencing a different culture, connecting with new people. at the same time, you envy stay home mums who can spend more time with kids.


but what i want to say is....staying home doesn't make you a better mum and working outside home doesn't make you a bad mum....every family needs to find their right balance that will ensure a happy mum and child.

Wheelymate..you are obsolutely right that i m in deep conflicting feeling. i guess it's really a transition period for me in returning back to workforce recently...and finding my own balance. either decision (stay at home or work full time) are not the best solution. but at this moment, if i have to choose one..i may want to choose to stay at home. i said 'may' cos of unsure feeling..blah blah blah..and hence, have been asking around for opinions...and forming my own decision. i m indeed now in beijing. i was happy for the 1st few days...having a break from my boy ..and having more sleeps than at home. it was good..but after few days..i feel so miserable..it was a new feeling that i only aware of when i come to beijing here..away from my baby... but as i say...it's an emotional struggle to decide on one decision... sigh...still deciding..

Hi woonwoonbee,

i think in the end no matter which decision you make, you will experience some form of feelings of "loss" and frustration - which will pass in time. If you choose to stay home, you will miss all the things you love about working and vice versa. It is indeed very difficult to make the 'right' choice for your family because in most cases, you can't get the best of both. I asked my husband the other night how long it took him to feel comfortable in his new job and he said about a year, it's been less than 2 but he still doesn't feel like one of the "old boys", he said he probably needs another year. I think it's the same with any changes in your life; there will be an adjustment period. I know for me, I am still adjusting to becoming a mom – soon to be mom of 2! I used to have a very exciting and challenging job that I loved but the travel was too much for me with a family. I still miss my old job very much and a part of me still wishes i could be that person!! lol i talk (complain) a lot to my husband about missing work (it's been almost 1.5yrs since I closed my old company) reminiscing about past accomplishments and being frustrated at home at times. Sometimes I feel like if I don’t keep remembering what I was capable of doing before, that person will cease to exist. I know that staying home with my son(s) for now is what i want to do (over working full time) it will just take me some time to get over my exciting old life and it really helps to be able to let out my feelings and thoughts without being judged. I recently starting a part-time photography business, and although its very far off from what I used to do, I find that I’m mentally in a better place about my life. Maybe you can explore other work options? Even things you thought you’d never do? I’m turning 30 this year and I know I still have lots of my life yet to live, it just can be hard a times to be present and not live in the past/future, especially when most of my friends are career focused and childless. I do feel like I am missing out superficially, even though I know in my heart that I am not. I agree with Wheelymate that no matter what choice you make, you are still a good mom. I think someone said it before, a happy mom is a good mom – I know this isn’t always possible!! You’re definitely not alone in this internal struggle  I think it’s a part of life!! Lol cheers and good luck!