suddenly my 1 year old won't go to sleep and starts screaming in his cot for me to pick him up. if i leave him in the cot (and i stay in the room) his crying soon escalates to a full on tantrum of kicking and screaming. but the worrying this is that when i pick him up... it does not appease him!!! he still screams at me and kicks his legs even if i am holding him or try to rock him. i've had to take him out of the room to make sure he wasn't in pain, and sure enough, he stops crying immediately. the only thing that settles him is reading a book to him or sometimes a song will do it but only when he's been screaming for a while (like an hour) and is really tired by this stage. my helper tells me that he doesn't cry when she puts him down for naps during the day nor did he last night when she put him to bed as i was working late. he seems to be only having these tantrums with me. it has come all of a sudden (since sunday) and i can't think what has happened to cause this?? i put him to bed 6 nights a week. helper does it once a week. is he looking for her? i am distressed that i can't even settle him when i pick him up. that has never happened before....
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This is quite normal. Every now and then they go through a tantrum period. There is no "logical" reason, at least to an adult. He's 1 year old and he is trying to manipulate you the only way he knows. These attempts at manipulation come and go for quite a while (2½ years here and no end in sight). The only thing you can do is be firm or things will get worse.
My advice is to tell him kindly but firmly that he has to sleep, then leave the room. If he's still crying after 8 minutes, come back and say good night again, then leave again. Repeat.
Could it be that you are putting him down too early (not sleepy) or too late (too sleepy)? With our #1 there used to be quite a small window of time which had to be adjusted based on daily activities.
"my helper tells me that he doesn't cry when she puts him down for naps during the day nor did he last night when she put him to bed as i was working late. he seems to be only having these tantrums with me."
Quite normal and you shouldn't take it personally. There was a period when my wife was not able to put her to bed. There was also a period when she couldn't give her a bath. At this point, have your husband or helper do the night-night chores for a week. Then "come back". Your 1 year old will have forgotten all about why he was mad at you.
"i am distressed that i can't even settle him when i pick him up. that has never happened before...."
As I said this is normal. It's not you. It's just a toddler thing. This is the 1 year old equivalent of 6 year olds who tell their parents: "I hate you." They don't really mean it.
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this is the thing... i've never left him in the room to cry before. (i've always used the baby whisperer technique which doesn't involve leaving the room). but now, given he is still having a tantrum when i am in the room, when i am picking him up, even when i am tryng to rock him (!) i wonder what would happen if i did leave the room? my husband thinks that me being in the room allows him to have his little tanty, and if i left he wouldn't bother!??
i am very tempted to try this method but i just know he is going to get really worked up until he is completely out of sorts and incapable of settling himself. he will eventually pass out out of sheer exhaustion but is this the right thing to do?
btw when i say 1, i mean 12 months, if that makes any difference...
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sashimi girl - this is so bizzarre - mine two (22 months) just started doing the same thing! if my helpers put them down when i work late, they are fine. with me - they scream!! I was trying to deal with both of them on my own on Monday (had to have 2 glasses of wine in the process - could not cope!).
Anyway - my thinking is that when we get home from work, they just want to spend time with us as they have not seen us all day.. And we try to put them to bed instead, so they get really frustrated..
I tried to let them scream but cracked after 2 hours and had to rock them (which i really think is a no-no) to sleep one after the other...
This too shall pass, hang in there!
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sashimi girl: i think idsvllvn is right, about baby wanting to play with you cos he hasnt seen you all day.
Now that you bring it up , we did have a few nights of angry baby in crib a coupl of months back (mine is now 15months old) , and what i did was distract baby with something. I didnt pick him up.
i have a really old nokia phone that we occasionally use. it has cute ring tones. my baby loves it, so i gave it to him with one of the ring tones playing and he ook it and started pressing the keys. it calmed him down. and he eventually fell asleep.
i will repeat from experience that the CIO method is very distressing to both parent and child.
it's like breaking a poor child's spririt. my sympathies will be with your child if you do decide to go ahead witht he CI method.
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ha idsllvn! good to know i'm not alone. and yes, all the no-nos come out after 2 hours of screaming... i had the same theory as you about bubs wanting to spend time with me after work, so after 2 hours of screaming i brought him into bed with me (also a big no-no) thinking that he would settle but he still screamed! i just can't work it out but then again i shouldn't really be looking for too much logic in a 1 year old's behaviour....
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"i wonder what would happen if i did leave the room? my husband thinks that me being in the room allows him to have his little tanty, and if i left he wouldn't bother!??"
I agree with your husband. ;) Of course if you leave it won't shut off like a switch, but eventually he'll figure out he's just crying by himself. If you keep coming to comfort him he is, in essence, being rewarded for his efforts.
While the baby whisperer method is no doubt great, a toddler of 1 is not the same person as a baby of 3 months. The toddler is aware of what he is doing in a totally different way.
"i am very tempted to try this method but i just know he is going to get really worked up until he is completely out of sorts and incapable of settling himself. he will eventually pass out out of sheer exhaustion but is this the right thing to do?"
He is quite capable of settling himself. It's just a bit traumatic (mostly for you). The ability to calm down by yourself is part of growing up. The sooner kids learn the better.
I think leaving is the right thing to do. Worked with our #1 and is working with our #2. However it is important for the kids to know you are walking out to leave them alone to work out their issues, not abandoning them. Coming back regularly is key.
Somewhere deep down perhaps your child doesn't like you being around when he/she loses control. We try to let tantrums blow over at the child's pace once they've started, ensuring our kids know we're there if they need us. Eventually they calm down and want to be held. If the tantrum involves hitting siblings or adults, we tell them "no" sharply. It's important to show that some things are never acceptable. Otherwise we just walk away.
"nyway - my thinking is that when we get home from work, they just want to spend time with us as they have not seen us all day.. And we try to put them to bed instead, so they get really frustrated.."
That is indeed the case. We have exactly the same situation, with the kids fighting for attention and ensuing tantrums. My wife tries to be home by 1730 at the latest, so she can spend a few hours with the kids. She logs back in to work after they are asleep.
BTW the arguments my wife and I have had during baby tantrums at bedtime are by a wide margin the worst in our relationship. It's not fun at all for anyone concerned. It is totally worth sticking it out though, both for yourselves and for your child.
Use a watch to make sure you have an accurate concept of time. You'll think 10 minutes have gone by and actually it's only 52 seconds.
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Logic in a 1 yr olds behaviour is indeed hard to find.
After two hours of screaming maybe your baby was too worked up to calm down, wherever he was.
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right then, thank you all for your advice. i am going to go home now and prepare myself to get screamed at for 2 hours... :) (and then re-evaluate how i feel about CIO method!) btw, i have to add, it's difficult to re-settle him when he wakes up in the middle of the night too.... it's like he sees me and thinks - okay mum's here, time to start crying and not go back to sleep! this is a complete 180 from how it's always been.... i've ALWAYS been able to settle him. i feel quite helpless!
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I so feel your pain. Been there too many times. :( But your child is truly exceptional if it takes over an hour. Our daughter, an extremely stubborn little individual, never exceeded 45 minutes. They do eventually bow to the inevitable as long as you don't give in.
Same principles apply in the middle of the night. Your son needs to learn to settle himself. Learning to fall BACK asleep is an important "skill". As mentioned this can be a traumatic process.
"this is a complete 180 from how it's always been.... i've ALWAYS been able to settle him."
Kids change. It's part of the "fun". ;)
"i feel quite helpless!"
I know that feeling. The problem is that the solution is both somewhat counterintuitive and takes a long time to start working.
May the Force be with You!
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well. it's hard to believe but i went in there (his bedroom) ready for the long haul and came out 45 minutes later 100% unscathed! yup, not a peep from him tonight!!
i made a point to extend his bedtime routine though and not put him in the cot too soon. i noticed that the only thing that calmed him the last few nights was reading books, so after his milk i rocked him and read to him for at least 15 minutes, which kept him very happy and he must've forgotten to cry and be mad at me. when he was nice and dozy i slipped him into the cot and sang wheels on the bus for a good 30 minutes without stopping (like a fool) until he fell asleep!
i can't say for certain what worked, but he seemed to have forgiven me for whatever he was mad at me for. although it all seemed a bit surreal. so let's just see what happens tomorrow night!
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"well. it's hard to believe but i went in there (his bedroom) ready for the long haul and came out 45 minutes later 100% unscathed! yup, not a peep from him tonight!!"
Way to go. He can sense your determination. I am sure of it!
Still, there's always tomorrow. ;)
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axptguy - no, no! child is not exceptional if they cry for over an hour at all!! Mine would go as long as I let them - I normally crack after 2 hours...
well done Sashimi girl - this is exactly what we do, bath, milk, book for 10 min or so. Works most of the time! and yes, he will play up again - look at mine two - you would think that at 22 months they stop doing that...
Question to all - When DO they stop this screaming bit? 3 yrs old? 4? cant wait!
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mine can cry for a painful two hours as well.
i agree with cara, eight minutes is an eternity for a baby. i would do anything i could to go back in time and undo the cio days of my baby.
i think indpendence in general is a good thing, but cant understand why it needs to be imposed on a small child.
my hubby puts baby to bed. i get out of the bedroom and he does the singing till he cant sing anymore bit, though these days it take ten min or so and baby's out till he wants his morning feed.
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so yes... it was all a bit too good to be true. although he slept allllll the way through (sort of), he woke at 4.45am and i went in to settle him, but sure enough, he took one look at me and started yelling at me again. :( i picked him up and tried to rock him back to sleep but he wouldn't have a bar of it so we started the day at 5am. DOH!
anyway, it seems he still has a point to make, still wanting to scream at me instead of allowing me to settle him. new habits die hard...
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"axptguy - no, no! child is not exceptional if they cry for over an hour at all!! Mine would go as long as I let them - I normally crack after 2 hours..."
Fair enough.
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yup, count yourself lucky if you've only had to endure 45 mins of screaming. that's just half way through the show for us!
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i leave baby in cot and just pat/stroke him and gently talk to him telling him that it's still night night time. on accasion yes you do have those nights when they are not appeased. however, i think consistency and firmness go a long way in assuring your child of what he'll get when he wakes up, if he does wake up early.
if u do want to get him to stop screaming the house down, i suggest distraction, though this might wake him up, at least he wont be screaming. a flash light (that baby cant easily figure out how to operate but you can, so u keep the lights off, but just swithc it on and off for a bit) or something that lights up or makes gentle music.
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goddess kali - it is quite hard to pat/stroke mine when they are standing in the cot, rattling it and if i come up start grabbing on to me with both hands trying to get me to pick them up - you are lucky if yours crying lying down... music might be a good idea tho!
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oh mine does cry, scream and grab standing up or holding the cot rails. In this instant i just bend down and hug him and give him a few kisses. he does have his arms around my neck, and screams in my ear, so both back and ears suffer a bit. I guess i'm lucky, these hiccups last from one day to a maximum of three days.
though with two, i'm sure the joy is mulitplied, but so is the hassle, life must be a lot harder for you.
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we will all get there in the end I am sure!! :)
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this is my conundrum... the only way i can calm him down sometimes is distraction - flashing light, singing, reading a book. which then totally wakes him up (esp not good if it's after 4am cos then it just means wake up time and the day starts!) YAWN.
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I understand your conundrum. We never did that distraction stuff. As you say it just wakes up baby.
Perhaps we were "cruel" letting her cry it out. It sure felt that way. But she certainly is fine now. Hardly any problems. Sure, we have the occasional tantrum evening, but it's normally because of an exciting day or off-kilter nap time.
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