Mummy Guilt

Hi all,


I had my baby in January and she is now nearly 5 months old. My husband wanted to have our children close together and now we think we might be pregnant. As much as i am happy, i am suddenly feeling scared and guilty. We have a wonderful marriage and adore our daughter so much but now i feel terrible that i will be taking time away from her when she just turns 1. Did anyone feel these kinds of emotions? I keep telling myself that my love for our daughter can only grow and that i will be able to love the second one just as much but really, am i depriving our baby daughter by giving her a sibling so soon? I always thought it would be better as she would have someone so close in age to bond with but i guess my parents have also talked me into believing that i would be cruel to deprive her of alone time so soon. Would she know how to feel jealous at 1?

I feel so guilty when i really should be feeling blessed that we are being given another gift. :(

I don't think an answer to your questions will be right because every person is different and there are also other aspects to be considered like finance etc.

I think you should ask yourself more questions and then when seeing your own answers you will find the final true and real answer.

What do you feel about aorting? That's because of the way you are asking this whole thing.

From the way you write or approach this issue it seems that relationship wise you don't have a problem and that's really great.

There is an issue of "will my first born be deprive because of my attention to the new born?" I can tell you that my wife had that problem but once the baby is born, you don't really think about it for two reasons. first, you are too busy ;) Second, since your family realtionship is healthy you don't bother yourself with it. things like this are hard but they work out really good.

Think what would happened if you had twins? I don't think you deprive one for the benefit of the other, call it "motherly love" or "parent love" or whatever.

As you describe your family as a healthy and loving, I think even if you will try to love one more than the other, you will not succeed.

"Would she know how to feel jealous at 1?" I don't think at this age they can be jealous. They want attention but not jealous so this could actually be a good point.

Do you have a DH? she can help you a lot with the working part so you will have time for more attention and motherly part. If you don't have one and you are at home all the time, bringing one could be a good thing because you will always be able to say "bye bye" and try a new one untill you find the right one.

When we had our first daughter, she was born preterm 26 weeks with lots of issues then we moved to HK and got unplanned pregnancy. We thought of terminating it for financial reasons related to the fact that if the second will also be preterm we will have to sell our kidnies, lungs hearts and my wife's brain to cover the costs(I don't have much) and also fear, lots of fear. At the end we kept him and it's just great, absolutely amazing. Jealousy with kids is as natural as with adults, if you get love and made to understand what you have you might get jealous some times but always know that you are loved.

Good luck.

Thanks omaharrison for your reply. I would never consider aborting as i know so many people who cannot have children, i feel so blessed with being able to have another baby. We currently don't have a helper as i have a problem with other people raising our children but yes, i could indeed hire someone to help around the house etc. I am glad to hear that children don't understand jealousy at that age. I don't know of any 1 year-olds so really wouldn't know what to expect. My husband also thought about the financial side of things but we thought we would have it a little tougher for the first few years rather than do it all again later. Also, at this point, as space is limited, it is easy for us to use everything our first has used so we can save money. There is just not enough space in our flat to store everything for a few years. I am so happy that everything worked out for you and that your children are healthy and happy. I guess i could think of it like having twins, that way of thinking makes me feel a little less guilty. It's just so hard when you love a child so fiercely.


Thanks again.

we have a sort of similar and different situation to yours at the same time - we have twins (which you might as well have, since yours will be so close in age! :)) and I am indeed feeling bad all the time that I can not give 100% of my time to them separately. When I am with them, it is always both of them. Sure, they dont know any different, but they do get jealous. They would try to push each other off my lap, etc, etc..


In your case, you are going to have them so close, so they wont know any different either I guess... But what I am inteding to do, once ours are older is to have quality one on one mummy time with them - for example one weekend Daddy takes one to Ocean Park and Mummy does something else with the other, and then another weekend - swap! I think it is important that your kids will get 100% of mummy time to themselves every now and then..

I think the important thing to remember is that time (as in minutes) is not a good measurement. There are parents who spend all day with their kids but none of it is the elusive "quality time". Even 30 minutes a day of "quality time" a day with your kids is better than whole days of just presence.



"We have a wonderful marriage and adore our daughter so much but now i feel terrible that i will be taking time away from her when she just turns 1. Did anyone feel these kinds of emotions?"


You are not alone. My wife still feels that way sometimes and our younger one is 14 months. But it's nothing that really worries her. She tries to spend time with both, ideally both together although this can be sometimes hard with toddlers.



"I always thought it would be better as she would have someone so close in age to bond with but i guess my parents have also talked me into believing that i would be cruel to deprive her of alone time so soon."


Close in age is a nice thing, but it will take a few years. See it as a long term investment. Don't worry though, you have plenty of love to give both.



"We currently don't have a helper as i have a problem with other people raising our children"


As you have already noted yourself, this can be solved. The solution is for you to bring up the kids and for the helper to do the rest. As my wife puts it, "our helper allows me to spend much more time actually with the kids instead of grocery shopping and cleaning". A good helper will also take her cue from you when it comes to communication with the kids. In a not insignificant way she can be thought of as an extension of you as a mother. This assumes you communicate with her and have an open dialog about the children.


There are a lot of parents who see the helper(s) as a way to free themselves from child rearing duties so that they can continue to live their high flying lives. Not a lot of parent/child bonding there but hey, it's their lives. But on the other hand there are lots of other parents who spend just as much time parenting as if they didn't have a helper. It's your choice.



"I think it is important that your kids will get 100% of mummy time to themselves every now and then.."


Very very important.

"We currently don't have a helper as i have a problem with other people raising our children ......" Funny that quite a few mothers from western countries think that having a helper at home = having other people raising up their children. I know a lot of locals do but you dont hv to follow. It is really a previlege to have a helper at home to help you out with all the household work, when you can have all your time to your baby or simply relax for an hour or so each day. This is something that you can only enjoy while you are in Asia. Enjoy it by all means if you can. I think domestic helpers is really a fantastic 'invention' (sori for my English) and I really miss it (cant afford it at the moment). I still remember a few years ago when we had a helper. Every time when we came home the house was spotless and tidy. Supper was ready all the time and both my husband and myself enjoyed every night solid 2 hours playing with our daughter after work. You can also give her extra holidays if you need some space from time to time. By the way, my indonesian helper went back to Indonesia 4 years ago and she is now a primary teacher. I am so happy for her.

Agree about not wanting a helper to bring up my kids, but we have nearly always had a helper in HK. But we make it clear at the start that the children are ours, and our responsibility, they are there for the housework. Unfortunately thats had to change over the years with my disabled son as he is getting to big for me to manage on my own. But with the other kids, apart from the occassional babysitting they have had very little input from the helpers.

In your case it would be a real bonus, for all the time that you would normally spend cleaning, ironing etc you would be able to spend doing fun things with your kids.

well said Mighty! I have never in my life lived with any kind of help (well a cleaning lady once a week) but I think while we are here, what a brilliant, brilliant thing to be able to do - to hand over housework to someone else completely. How does it make you less of a mum, i dont understand?

Thanks all for your replies. I have confirmed that i am about 5 weeks along and feel very happy and positive now. I'm hoping all goes well with the pregnancy and will be getting part-time help for cleaning and household work. Already wondering how i will go out and about on my own with two so young but i am sure i will figure it out when it comes to it just as people with twins (or triplets +) do. :)

babeez - with our twins (which is pretty much what you end up with just about) the great thing about it - they play together, same age, same interests - brilliant!


On another note - you will very quickly figure out that part-time help is very close if not the same cost as full-time DH. Part time tends to be expensive and much, much worse value for money than full time - I just could not recommend a full time DH enough. I am sure you will figure out for yourself pretty soon!! Good luck!

Very true indeed. HK$60/hr x 3hrs = HK$180 per day / 4 days a week = HK$720 = HK$2,880 per month. Difficult to find a legal parttime helper too.

it also may be the case that Babeez doesn't have room for a full time helper (who legally has to live with you now). Of course there are always ways around this ;)...but definitely get help if you can! ours is on holiday now and we SURE miss her! like everyone said, there's simply less time to enjoy with our baby girl at the moment :)

Here's my reply after reading your first posting... yup, you're pregnant! and you are hormonal, and that is a large part of the reason you are having these thoughts and feelings - the evil hormones!!

My kids are 14 months apart, and I wouldn't have it any other way (except even closer!!) I breast fed my first for 13 months (until one month before #2 was born). He doesn't remember life 'alone', he LOVES having a little sister, who is rapidly becoming a playmate.

Now they are 2 years, 4 months and 1 year, 2 months.

What they each miss out on (extra special alone time with mummy/daddy) they get 10x over in having each other to love and be with.

They sleep in their own beds, but in the same room. A few months ago, I had to go to HK with the younger one, and leave the older one at home. My husband told me he cried and cried for 3 hours at night... not for missing me, but for missing his sister. This is a kid who rarely cries and always goes to sleep on time.

You will go through a million emotions, (bad, evil hormones!, and some just due to being human!), but at the end of it all, you are giving your two children the wonderful gift of companionship, love, care and a life long partner in understanding - and for a few years a partner in crime too! hahaha

I am starting to see glints of how my two are going to be the troublesom twosome very soon... but it makes me glow with happiness to see them together!


Regarding DH - you won't regret it... it will actually give you more alone time with each of them. What I do, is we have a very regular routine, and there are some times in each day when I get to be alone with each child. I wouldn't be able to do this without another set of eyes/hands around to help. But each to their own, and whatever you do decide will work for you.


Good luck, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Thanks all, I am feeling all up and down these days but i know that i will love them both as is possible. I am going to a part-time helper to do the household side of things and make sure that i give them both their own 'special alone time'. Thanks crj for your post. I read it and felt much better. I also think that they will end up with a very close companion and that my first won't understand so much about not having alone time to start with. With two dogs, two adults and eventually two children, funbobby is right in saying that we don't have the space for a live-in helper or if we did, we would have to sacrifice precious space we want to have for the children to play in. I think i am feeling very positive but because my parents (whom i love dearly) feel a little negative about the closeness in age and tell me that i will deprive my first, it makes me feel awful. I have however, decided not to bring it up with them anymore as i know they love and care for me and their grandchild but we just disagree on this issue and it hurts me when we talk about it. Ultimately, i'm old enough to know what i want out of life but also understand that they feel very protective of their first grandchild.

"because my parents (whom i love dearly) feel a little negative about the closeness in age and tell me that i will deprive my first, it makes me feel awful."


I don't know you or your parents but that's not a very nice thing for them to say. Then again, I know exactly how it works from personal experience.


I wouldn't worry about the naysayers. Life is what you make of it. You'll have a great time. I think you've figured that out already.