Saying no!

My 20 month old is always saying "no" to things ie when she doesn't want to eat, get dressed, change her diaper or share her things etc etc. She will say it repeatedly and sometimes she will even start to whine and scream. I don't really know how to handle this situation. Please share your experiences! Thanks!

This is very common. It is also only the beginning. Our 2½ year old has been doing this stuff for many months. It is quite manageable but the behavior typically doesn't go away until the child turns 3 or 4.


A few tips:

- Be ever consistent. One slip needs to be paid ten or twenty times over. Make sure every adult in the household is on the same page. If Daddy "saves her" from Mommy her behavior is rewarded.

- Don't make it a question if you don't want a negative answer. In other words, don't say "shall we get dressed now?". She can say no and where are you then? Instead say "let's get you dressed". It may seem like semantics to us but it is not to a child.

- Give advance warning. "In five minutes we will dress you." Don't spring things on her.

- Don't get caught in negotiating or in a shouting match. If she keeps refusing say in a gentle tone "You have to get dressed to go outside. Look, Mommy is dressed." No discussions, no "if you get dressed you get a cookie".

- If she keeps resisting, use the ultimatum method. "You can help me or I will have to help you. I will count to three. If you don't come here and help me dress you by then I'll come get you."

- In the beginning, you'll have to go get her a lot. But after a while she will understand that resistance is futile. With my daughter we seldom get to "two" nowadays.

- Raise your voice only for really bad things like hitting and biting. For resistance and whining use a normal voice. Let your actions speak.

- One trick with whining and screaming is to ignore anything the child says. "I don't understand you when you whine." Our daughter often whines. We say "speak properly". She will then repeat the question or statement but in a normal (albeit often sobbing) voice. It is amazing how often her use of a normal tone of voice seems to defuse a lot of her anger.

- Try not to lose your temper. If you lose your temper without justification apologize to her.

- Never make a threat unless you're prepared to carry it through. For example if you say "if you do that again you're getting a time-out in the corner", your child is guaranteed to test your resolve the first few times. Make sure you actually put her in a time-out or your child will know the threat is empty and ineffectual.

- Allow extra time for everything.

- Some kids have a lot of tantrums. Sometimes they cry so hard that they reflexively yawn since they are oxygen deprived. This is a bit scary but normal.

- Having tantrums and learning to control them is an important part of growing up. Many adults still haven't learned this lesson. Make sure your child does.



I saw a perfect example of the wrong behavior last week. Mommy and Son (about 2) were going to the grocery store 50 meters away. He didn't want to go. He wanted to stay and look at some plants. Mommy was rightly patient for a minute or two, but then said "come on, let's go". Son whined and ignored her. After some threats from Mommy, she picked up her son and carried him to the store.


My analysis: Child got exactly what he wanted, which was to be carried by Mommy. Mommy threatened to "leave him home next time" but presumably did not follow through on her threats.

Moral of the story: Don't give in to your child or they will run your life and ruin your eardrums.

Thanks for your prompt and thoughtful advice. How do you do time out and do you punish your child for bad behaviour? Thanks!

I new a child who always said no, at around the same age, but that was only because all he had heard for months was "no!" and "don't"; he was very curious and always went for the things he wasn't supposed to touch. Eventually, he even automatically said no, but proceeded to do what he had been asked to do.

Children test us all the time, she sees she's expected to obey "no", and is checking if she can say no, too. I wouldn't worry about traumatising her if you insist on being obeyed!

Your daughter's growing, she is starting to want to have her wants respected. Of course, she doesn't (and shouldn't) call the shots, but it's also showing respect for her as a person to take her wants into account. This, you can do while being obeyed, you just need to adapt your parenting, xpatguy's tips are great: give notice (when you normally wouldn't have before), and be consistent, always!

I don't see what's wrong with carrying that child, btw, unless the child had specifically asked to be carried and had been turned down by mum. He wanted to stay, she wanted to go, and they left.

If my kid wants to stay, i'll give him a choice: we have to go now, do you want to walk or be carried? That way, we go with v little fuss and he still feels he has some power of decision on what is happening to him, albeit not the one of staying.

"Thanks for your prompt and thoughtful advice. How do you do time out and do you punish your child for bad behaviour? Thanks!"


We do it very rarely. Perhaps once a week on average. It was more often in the beginning. As long as they know that they and will can be punished, a stern warning is typically enough.


The escalation is typically as follows:

- Telling her gently.

- Telling her firmly.

- Telling her firmly and saying this is the last warning.

- Asking her (and making her if needed) leave the area/leave the table.

- Time out. We have a terrace so we put her outside and slide the glass door shut. She'll yell and rant but she knows she's not getting in until she is silent. Since she sometimes has accidents when she is flaming mad outside makes the cleanup easier too. Another option is to make her sit in a corner.




"I new a child who always said no, at around the same age, but that was only because all he had heard for months was "no!" and "don't"; he was very curious and always went for the things he wasn't supposed to touch. Eventually, he even automatically said no, but proceeded to do what he had been asked to do."


Indeed. Try to say "yes", if you will. Children need to be allowed to explore, to empty drawers (and help clean the mess up afterwards), to poke and prod. If you have to say no a lot you haven't sufficiently child proofed the environment. If you don't want your child touching the remote, move it up out of reach.



"don't see what's wrong with carrying that child, btw, unless the child had specifically asked to be carried and had been turned down by mum."


It's not the carrying, but the way he was getting Mommy to do what he wanted in a confrontational situation. She went about the whole thing wrong from the start. She acted stressed and the child used this to get what he wanted.


I disagree about the carrying btw. Kids have legs and with age they need to learn to use them more and more. I was appalled when I heard that CDNIS has "walking on stairs" as part of the entrance exam for 4 year-olds, since this implies lots of kids never get to learn such basic skills. My 14 month old can make it up a flight of stairs no problem. Crawling, but still. Down is still a bit of an obstacle but we'll be there soon. (No, we don't let her do this by herself.)


I'm ok with carrying my older daughter on occasion (for example if she is quite tired) but she has learned that she can get from point A to point B by herself. If we keep carrying her she will be less independent and more needy. Of course this is age dependent but once a child is over two I think he/she should be expected to walk 50 meters if asked to.


I have noticed a lot of children of two or even three being constantly carried here. My daughter walks all the time unless it's a long distance (and even so she managed about half of a four kilometer hike in the woods on her own two feet). She looks around, explores, fools about. Altogether more wholesome than being carried.



"also, keep in mind that you need to choose your battles.

if there's no harm in what they are doing and it isn't all that important to you, don't fight it.

ex. after bath, child doesn't want to get dressed. ask yourself, are they in danger? if you're not in a hurry and they are not in danger, then what's the big deal if they run around naked for an hour?"


Indeed. Besides, naked babies running around the house are sooo cute.

on a slightly different topic..how do you teach your kids to share especially at such a young age? My daughter is very self centered and refuses to share her toys with her friends. thanks!

That's a tough one to learn! One thing I used to do is make them take turns every 2 to 5 minutes; they usually forget about it after one or two turns each to move back to the tings they were doing before the fight started.

When my kids had friends over, at first they tended to take everything back from the visitor, then they got used to that friend visiting and playing with their toys and it's easier to share (plus they go over to that friend's palce and do the same there!). Every time I would tell them not to snatch from other people's hands, I would point out that they weren't playing with it in the first place, that they MUST share, that they WILL have it back later, that they can have this other toy that's almost the same, separate them if it gets physical (and scold my child for attacking a guest), and finally take the toy away if they have a tantrum. I would always watch the small kids closely and intervene fast, so the guest is comfortable and has a good enough time to come back for more. I think the most important is to repeat the lesson "you must share" no matter how many times, and without making a big fuss of it. Don't get angry, if it's a big drama then sharing becomes stressful. Let them see that it's ok, it's cool, their toy won't be damaged and will be returned to them, and that everything is fine and happy in the world of sharing and lala Land...

Of course, you need a guest who will reciprocate, but that's another story!

Most little kids don't like to share because they are not used to it, it gets easier with practice. Also, it's easier to share (their toys) at the playground, because it's not "their" territory, they're less protective.

Hi Gabbie...just to share my thoughts..though my bub only one year old at the moment. but i've seen what you describe of not sharing among my nieces and nephew. i taught one of them how to share by first demostrating that if she gave me her toy, i will almost as soon return back to her. cos i believe kids don't like to share cos they don't want anyone to take away their things, thinking it will not be return. so i make sure i return her toys. however, i tried the same method on another niece, it didn't work. so i guess it depends on the child. :-)

On top of all the great tips above, you can also go to a book shop and get a book or two about this whole concept of saying "NO" (I mean children's book not for guidance), either by the parent or the child. That way both of you can have great fun.

Lots of good info here!

Another tip....don't say no to your children. Say 'Yes, later.' or "Stop!" or "Danger!" or some other thing. It is such a powerful word, that NO, and when a child is learning about power struggles, it's such fun to try out.

"How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk' is a very good book to teach you and your kids how to communicate more effectively