Abusive parents

I have this letter from a friend of mine, it is somewhat like this, i am quoting it(not exactly):

I am not a kid, nor a child anymore.I am all grown up now, going to be 28 soon. Quite old, huh? But until now, i still cannot forget how my parents used to abuse me. Until now they even still do!


(I will make a summary, very short one of what they like to do to my friend:)


My parents like to give me physical punishments since all i can remember. My sister and my brother(older) would love to give me physical punishments as well.From slapping, kicking, beating, using sticks to beat me, punching, throwing plates, and furniture at me, slap me with sandals, knock my head on the wall, and stuff like that.Not to mention the verbal abuse, its all since i can ever remembered.


i hate and love them all at the same time. Sometimes i wish them dead. Sorry, but i do. When i am in financial difficulties, i asked my dad for help and he will answer : oh, so sorry, i only have 1 million singapore dollar left, sorry i cannot send you any money.


Isn't that disgusting?How could you say you 'only' have 1 million singapore dollar left?And when i have a job, he will complain that i am working! and not taking care of the apartment(i am staying on my dad's apartment while he is living somewhere else in another country).But when i quit my job,he does not want to send me any money. I feel like he wanted me to die or something.


Until now, whenever i remember or an event triggered me to remember what my parents or sis and bro did to me, i will cry automatically.And then this anger fills me up. I wish them dead asap.


I want to go see a doctor, but my mom always rejects and says 'it is fine'. So it is 'fine' to be abused!


I only wished i live somewhere in the west, then i would have been able to sued my parents. But in where i was born, there will never be such a thing.


(I do not know what i should give my friend as an advice? I want to help her but i dont know what i should say to her-the best solution-for her problem? anyone?)

Hi,


It seems that it is the financial security is what is keeping her in her parents control. She needs to accept that her life will only improve if she separates from her family. The abuse is criminal, but that will not offer financial security. Money never brings happiness. It seems she is able to work, so she needs to get help (counselling), pay for it herself and then accept lesser living conditions that she can still afford on her own wage.


At 28, if she doesnt break out of the victim mentality (only a counsellor can help with that) then she will ruin the rest of her life, any future relationships she has. What has happened to your friend is not her fault, and it is really sad, but she must now fix her own life and separate from her abusive family.


You could offer to help her find a counsellor, a place to llive and explain to her that whilst it wont be flash, freedom to be yourself and regaining good self-esteem is worth 10 times more than her parents money.

I agreed with Emma but i want to add a bit more to it.


sometimes being 28 is not old enough to go through a period of what i call the "awakening" Many young adults at this age still crave for their parents approval and acceptance. It means the world to them! this psyche has been installed during our early life when our lives are so dependend on our parents.(Is really a matter of life or death!) If we don't understand this psyche we can never come out of it. When we become physically mature our minds may not follow and still get stuck with ideas of childhood. For instance, we still want our parents approval because if we don't get it we FEAR losing their love and then we will be abandon and hence die. We fear this so much that we give away OUR own power of control to our parents. We blame them, we hate them(but still craving for their love) and our decision will base around THEIR world/ideas. After saying all this, yes the answer is "separation" in our minds from our parents. Make decisions for your own future (don't quit your job just because your father says no or think is stupid). Get a job to survive on your own and don't depend on your parents! no matter what excuses you've got depending on your parents just don't make sense. Also, when your friends say she hates her family and wish them dead and then she apologised for feeling this way is a feeling of guilt. In some culture hating you family and especially your parents are wrong or unacceptable and this idea is deeperly implanted in our heads! but the truth is there's nothing wrong with hating your family. It doesn't mean you are bad, you don't have to like them. Don't feel guilty either.

Yes you are right, i am helping her as her friend and let her spill out all her tears to me, that is the best i can do, i cannot separate her from her family. i can only lend her my shoulders. And try to convince her that she is able to live on her own and not to be controlled by her parents anymore. She is all grown up now, But it is very hard for her to let go of her family. Especially her parents are a very old fashioned people. They tend to give physical punishments for all the things that they think their daughter has did something wrong. Which i really cannot agree. I hope she can be independent soon and not under her parents roof anymore.


The biggest problem is, whenever she remembers how they used to treat her, which is all in the past, she can cry even in public! it seems that her family has hurt her really bad until it has caused a traumatic experience which makes her a little bit mentally disturbed.


when she remembers it, she always acts strange. she will get all emotional, and cry no matter in public or not, and it will lasts for days, she will not eat well, and ignore everything else like she does not want to live anymore.


i caught her trying to suicide several times. When i asked her the reason why? she said it is because she cannot stand it anymore to live under her parents roof but she doesnt have the financial to live on her own and she said she is already above 21 and she feels her life is a failure because even until now she still cannot be independent...


i really care a lot for this girl.She is a great and beautiful girl, but too soft and naive sometimes. I really worried about her and sometimes i really dont know what else i can do. ..

What skills does she have? Is she working at all?

Has she ever had a loving relationship?

She must break free of those poisonous parents and become independent. Only then will she start feeling self worth.