The no sleep baby

My daughter is six months old now and right from birth she has never been a good sleeper.

Her sleeping habbits have always been irregular. And i have tried each and every method i came to know of.

When she was one month, she would sleep for one full day and night and then next day and night she would not sleep at all.

Gradually this changed to sleeping for 2 hour shift sat 4 in the morning till 12afternoon, waking up just for feeds.

But now for the last two months, the condition has deteriorated. She never sleeps for more than half an hour. During the day, i let her sleep, but i dont let her sleep in the evening. When i put her to bed at night after her feed, she gets up after exact 30 minutes. She is not fully awake, ahe cribs and rubs her eyes a lot and if i dont attend to her, she starts crying after a couple of minutes.

So i have started putting her with me in my bed. As soon as she wakes up, i start breastfeeding in the lying position, she just takes it for 2-3 minutes and then drifts off to sleep, then again the same procedure after 30minutes and it goes on the whole night.

I have tried all the different tactics with her.

If i bath her before bedtime, she seesm to become more active and loves to play, she doesn't want to sleep.

I started swaddling her, the moment i wrap her up, she starts laughingand takes it as a challenge for her to show how quickly she can come out of it.

I started giving her cereal at 4 months in her feed at night, because everyone told me she gets because she is hungry, though i did not want to try this till she 6months.


But now i dont know what to try with her. And as for me, it seems i have not slept for the last six months and its taking its toll on me.

I dont want to put her to sleep crying because she is a happy baby and loves to play and laugh before bedtime. But i need to find a solution to this half an hour nap problem.

Any suggestions? Or should i just leave it on time?

This sounds very much like my daughter -- I will tell you what we did with her. She still doesn't take very long naps in the day [we have a little celebration everytime she sleeps more than one hour during her afternoon nap], but she does sleep quite well at nights -- waking up on average about once a week, but going right back to sleep again, and sleeping 11-12 hours at night.


Part of your daughter's problem, ironically is that she is so tired that she has trouble falling into very deep sleep. This can be fixed. You will both be able to sleep. You will need some help, though.


First, keep a sleep log for her for a few days, and try to figure out when in the day she normally goes to sleep the most easily [even if she wakes up after only 20 mins]. These are target nap times, and perhaps a target bedtime.


Second, sit down with your sleep logs and plan her daily schedule. Everything -- when you would like her to sleep, when you would like her to eat, when she will go out for some fresh air, when she will play quietly by herself for a few minutes. One suggestion that I did not hear until after my daughter had overcome this issue was to feed her when she wakes up, not right before she is going to sleep -- this can help insure that she gets enough to eat and enough of the fatty hindmilk. Also plan who will be doing things with her at what times. What ended up working well for us was having her father get up with her in the morning [she had her meal of rice cereal then], and having her Ayi take her and put her down for her after lunch nap while I went out for a treat or had a rest or just took a book out into the sunshine for a little time for myself. Getting some regular time for yourself will help make this process bearable.


Third, make up a nice long nighttime routine for her. It's okay if it lasts an hour or even more. A warm bath, a little time to play with you in a quiet fashion, looking at a picture book, a feed, a slow dance... let the light level get progressively darker as you do this. Early bedtimes are better than late ones -- 7pm was our target, which at first made her Papa sad that he wouldn't get to see her at nights, but then he realized that by getting up with her as soon as she woke up in the morning he got her for the best part of her day instead of the crankiest. I didn't include a night feed in her schedule, but I did implement a strict policy of only feeding her once during the night [7pm-6am].


Fourth, start implementing her daily schedule. She won't like it particularly the first few days, but persevere. It will get worse first, but then will get better as she figures out what she is supposed to do and when.


When you put her down to sleep, first go have a drink of water and a pee, then go back into her room so you are there the first second that she wakes up. Her room should be as dark as possible, but as soon as she starts to wake up, pat her and whisper to her softly [I find that stroking her forehead from eyebrows to hairline works best]. Everything is okay, go back to sleep. If she cries and you want to pick her up, go ahead, but then sit down in a comfortable place and rock her or whatever you normally do to get her to sleep in the first place. Just make sure that nothing exciting happens during naptime. We made a CD for our daughter that started with two fast songs and then moved into progressively slower and sleepier ones. This actually took a lot longer than I'd have anticipated, because we found that certain very slow songs she perceived as exciting, and we had to weed those out. We played it every time we wanted her to go to sleep [we are still playing it at night, and she is almost 2]. The fast songs somehow help her transition from the excitement of the day to sleep, and after a while, she was falling asleep even before the end of the first song. We'd always leave the CD playing during her naps, just turned down to a lower volume.


Basically, you want to do everything that you can to make sleepytime crystal clear. Differentiate between naptime and nighttime though. Our Ayi would often hold her during her afternoon naps, and she'd wake up a bit and then fall back to sleep in Ayi's arms. I wasn't that happy with that situation, but decided that at least at first, it was more important for her to be getting as much sleep as possible, and also realized that kids can differentiate between different adults, so that Ayi was digging her own grave, so to speak. And, actually, there were a few afternoons that she'd get 2 hours of sleep, and that made a huge difference in how well she slept at night, so I was very grateful. Poor Ayi still has to hug her back to sleep during her afternoon nap fairly frequently, though.


Random factors that seemed to help us:

Grobags

Blackout curtains

The Sleepytime CD


This is sort of disjointed, partially because I'm sure that there are other things that I can't remember [sleep deprivation prevents the formation of long term memories], but I think that I have covered the major bits. If I think of more tomorrow, I'll write again....

Hi SK and Z,

I have exactly the same problem with my 6mth old daughter. I have approached her Doctor who says that she is craving affection and wants to be held and that I should let her cry it out for up to 2 hours at a time. I couldn't bare to let her do that especially as my husband and I both work and we have to deal with not only the noise and added sleep deprivation but also the guilt.

I will take your advise Z and am going through my Ipod as we speak...........in fact am so tired will probably go to sleep myself listening to it!!

S

I agree with Z, you need help with this problem. Your bub has ingrained bad sleep habits and has not learned the skill of dropping off to sleep alone, or how to return to sleep when she wakes. Poor girl and poor you - it's neither of your faults! She's massively overtired and this is preventing any solution or method from working.


IF you don't want to use controlled crying (it's not for everyone and given your problems sound deep rooted and long term it may not be a good option), maybe you should try a sleep clinic. IF you are in HK, then try the Annerley Sleep Clinic. It's much like Z's advice, involving sleep logs and routines but you get direct, one to one assistance that could really make a difference.


There is also a 'no cry sleep solution' book by Elizabeth Pantley. Claims to be a system for teaching babies sleeping skills (they are skills that need to taught) without any crying. Lots of people I know swear by it - can take a long time to work though. IMHO, there will always be a bit of crying - ti's inevitable and not necessarily something that has to be avoided at all cost.


You could also get a live in night nurse skilled in this area to come for a two week period and help implement the routines. Its' a lot of money, but if you have the cash having someone live in and help could give you confidence and get results.


A really good website is babysleepanswers.co.uk - you pay for a book that you can download immediately and then a team on the website answser your questions directly. (as it's a UK based site, they always answered me during HK's night which was perfect). I found it really helpful. We had a baby that 'woke every hour' for a couple of months and once we got to the end of our tether, we ended up using controlled crying. It worked fantastically well, but was quite traumatic in the short term! BUT, she was a good sleeper before the problem came up so it was more a case of a 'reminder' that was required. Not sure I'd recommend CC for you.


Second the grobag and dark curtains call. Also introducing a special 'night time' teddy or blanket that can be associated with sleeping and be a'signal' that it's time to sleep.


Good luck, I know how awful the sleep deprivation is...

We used the Elizabeth Pantley book -- she also has a website that has pretty much everything from the book, so Google her...


One other thing that helped a lot at night -- we moved her out of our room and into her own room. It turned out that part of the problem may have been that she and I were both sleeping so lightly that any time either of us made a noise in our sleep, the other one would get up to investigate it. Having her in another room meant that she couldn't hear me and since I wasn't waking up at the first peep, it gave her a chance to learn how to put herself back to sleep.


And FWIW SR, craving affection definitely wasn't a problem for our baby -- once she caught on to the trick of going to sleep, we actually carried her and cuddled her much less [because she had so much more "real" energy instead of manic sleep deprived panic she was much more interested in seeing the world].

Wow! I feel like I must be one of the luckiest mothers on the planet. My son started sleeping through the night after the 1st month. At the beginning, it was difficult to actually put him to sleep and make him stay asleep. Then I realised that he got hungrier near the end of the day, starting from 7pm. Usually, I would feed him at 3-4 hr intervals during the day, but starting from 7pm, he'd get real fussy after 2 hrs and I figured it was because he need more frequent feeds.

I ended up feeding (with the bottle; breastfeeding takes him longer to fall asleep for some reason) him every time he tried to yell until he'd finally drop off to sleep. Another thing, babies do sense when you put them in their cribs. I would arm myself with a bottle and whenever my son fussed about being put in the crib, I'd just give him the bottle and he'd drop off to sleep after a few minutes of sucking.

During the day, I'd make sure he would have a morning and afternoon nap. They vary from 45 mins - 2 hrs. Up till 6 months, I would play the classical baby CD and Mozart for babies. Then he developed a liking for pop music. Doesn't matter which, so long as it has a beat. I'd put him lying on his belly on my lap, head on my knees, with a cushion or something soft between us. Then I'd bounce him and pat a rhythm on his back until he fell asleep. If he's too tired or cranky for that, he'll try to push himself up and squirm away. I would first try to make him accept that it's his nap time and he needs to sleep. 40% of the time, he'll protest, so I'll turn him over and bounce him on his back. That might work 1 time out of 3. If he still protests, I'd try walking him either on my shoulder or cradled in my arms.

I've found that he'll calm down if I start singing to him - one of his favourites is 'Close to You'. Doesn't matter if I sing it to him 10 times repeatedly until he drops off. He still likes it even though I'm the world's worst singer.

I agree that at night it's important to have a bedtime routine. Unless my husband comes home late in the evening, he'd be the one giving the bath. We try to give him his dinner before bathtime, otherwise he'd demand milk right after he's left the tub and would make it near impossible to dress him.

After dinner and bath, he would have his own playtime - reading on his own, playing with toys. Then I'd read him a couple of bedtime stories and let him wander a bit until he starts to look sleepy - rubbing eyes, whining, etc.

Either my husband or myself would give him a bottle - that usually puts him to sleep.


At around 9 months, he started to get clingier and more demanding. For two nights straight, he'd demand that I walk him on my shoulder until he fell asleep. And the minute I put him down or even sat, he'd wake up and yell. I thought he was teething but it turned out he was testing his boundaries. So on the third night, I sat him on the floor and let him throw his tantrum until it looked like he was tiring out - I thought he'd never stop! Then I put him on his belly on my lap and bounced him, ignoring his protests, and he did finally go to sleep. After that night, he was back to his usual routine.

I have a 14 month old and a 4 year old who have had very healthy sleep habits since they were a month old. I went to a sleep specialist, he has written several books...I have given it to all of my friends, and those who have followed it have babies that have very good sleep habits...2 naps during the day (1 hour in the morning and 2-3 hours in the afternoon), 12-11 hours at night...your baby is overtired. Here is the book's title: Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth

"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth"


Very good book. He does ramble on and on and on though. ;)

I played music for all my children before and while asleep. It gives them a more relaxing and healthy sleep and I get a full night sleep as well :)


Also, whenever your baby wakes up, try talking to her :) My youngest was like her and when I started talking to her, she listened. I let her nap during the day but not more than 1.5 hours.


You can sing to her too! That worked for me but I think the CD player is a lot better hehehe

Hi Sharon


I agree with you. I am not working, i am a full time mom and i am with her 24hrs, but still i can't bear to see my daughter yelling and crying.She is a happy child, she loves to laugh, play and babble. The midwife at MCHC also told me the same thing, that let her cry till falls asleep. But i really don't agree with this. So i also dont let herself cry to sleep.


I am planning to follow what Z said, lets see how that works out. Thanks.

"I am not working, i am a full time mom and i am with her 24hrs, but still i can't bear to see my daughter yelling and crying."


Be careful. Once your daughter is old enough she will manipulate you ruthlessly with crying and yelling. If you don't assert your dominance you will both be very unhappy.

Babies cry because that is how they communicate, they cry because they can't tell you "leave me alone, I am trying to sleep...let me fall asleep and don't pick me up!!" My dad is a physician and my mom is a pediatric nurse and I consulted a sleeping specialist (Weissbluth). Give it a week max...you will be getting your sleep and your life back. Post partum depression is a result of lack of sleep...so do yourself and your baby a favor...GET SOME SLEEP and REMEMBER BABIES CRY...IT IS NATURAL, you are not depriving your baby of affection and attention, you are depriving her of sleep and of important cognitive development!

Elizabeth Pantley's website is wonderful. Google it and you'll be able to trust your own instincts. Remember, you can't spoil a baby with love. All babies will eventually learn and being kind and gentle will teach them to trust you and others to be there for them. Do what works for you and your family...sometimes turning to forums can make you more confused and unsure. You know your own baby best!

Not sure if it has been said cause can't read them all but buy the Book BABYWISE all your problems will be fixed!! worked with all 3 of mine.

I can't recommend the Elizabeth Pantley book to you highly enough, I think it would be perfect for you, firstly because her baby's sleeping habits sound very like yours so it's written specifically to help solve this kind of sleeping difficulty, secondly because she advocates breastfeeding and you can still feed your baby to sleep if you want to, and thirdly because it doesn't involve leaving your baby to cry ... i know this works for some babies, but definitely not all, and not all mothers can bear not to pick up a crying child either (me!). Good luck.