This happened last night and I would love to hear all your views...
My little prince is 19months old.
Took him to poo. Went smoothly...after washing, he started crying for his teddy bear...told him that teddy is in his room, so he went off to get his teddy, coming back, to the bathroom and crying...asking for his dummy. I ignored him, tried distracting him, did not help. So i choose to ignore him while he continued crying and following on my steps as I busied myself to get ready for his bathtime.
Crying went on during bath. By this time, i am very very frustrated but still managed to keep my cool by not saying a word! Took him out of the bath, dressed him, went into his bed room. Still crying for his dummy. I went off to kitchen to make him his milk.
Tried to distract him with his bedtime story. Only succeeded for a while but started crying again. By this time, i have had it! so i turned the lights out, raised my voice, asking him to sleep! then he laied down, asking for his milk. So i turned on the lights, and gave him milk, he was ddrinking and crying in between for his dummy again.
Of course i delayed giving him the dummy but eventually did, and when i did, u would imagined that he has cried his lungs out.
Why did i put him through this ordeal??
Mainly beacause i am pissed that he is crying for no reason, out of the blue! unacceptable!
and i was probably also being sick in the mind---the more he cried and yelled, the more i did not want to give in to him for fear that he would used this as his weapon.
Would be great if you could give me your feedback and also how do i get him off his dummy?
he has always been given his dummy only during sleep and never during the day.
thanks
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Please don't take this the wrong way but you were doing so well right up until the point you gave in. This signals that crying works. But no worries. Just keep on not giving in. Eventually he will give up. You ARE psychologically stronger than he is. You CAN win this without breaking down.
Getting him off the dummy is just like any other disciplinary issue. You need to be gentle but firm. What you were doing was just fine.
What you can add is a time out if he does not stop crying. First say that you will not play with him anymore if he keeps crying. If he insists and tries to come up and be comforted, say you have had enough and give him a time out. It is important to teach that not only is asking for non-negotiable items unacceptable, it is also unacceptable to be disruptive with uninterrupted crying and whining. We have used this tactic with great success. In fact our kids very seldom need time outs any more. If they cry uncontrollably in this manner the threat of a time out is typically enough. In their minds, they understand that they can whine all they like but this will only lead to boredom, frustration, punishment and in any case not get them what they want.
Kids, especially as they start nearing the 2 year mark, want to make decisions and test limits. While fostering independence is good, you need to make it clear that some things are not negotiable. In this case it is a dummy, which seems trivial. But the concept of boundaries is strengthened regardless of the current thing being argued about. If you can be strict about the dummy, it will be so much easier to be strict with bedtime, table manners and so forth.
"Mainly beacause i am pissed that he is crying for no reason, out of the blue! unacceptable! and i was probably also being sick in the mind---the more he cried and yelled, the more i did not want to give in to him for fear that he would used this as his weapon."
You seem to understand the process very well.
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axptguy 38 - thank you!
just to clarify - "what yu can add is a time out if he does not stop crying ". did u mean put him into his cot and close the door?
I knew that by giving him the dummy after all that was putting everything to waste. But it was his bed time and he has stop crying and in normal circumstances, he would be given his dummy.
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"just to clarify - "what yu can add is a time out if he does not stop crying ". did u mean put him into his cot and close the door?"
The time out should be in a place where he cannot entertain himself. It needs to be "boring". We put our kids on the balcony. Older kids can be put on a stool in the corner facing the wall but a 19 month old would just get off the stool.
The cot is perhaps not such a good idea as you don't want to associate that place with punishment. As long as he doesn't want to be there and there are no toys at all it's a decent place.
"I knew that by giving him the dummy after all that was putting everything to waste. But it was his bed time and he has stop crying and in normal circumstances, he would be given his dummy."
Heh. That is a dilemma. Tricky one. I guess you could have said that he would get the dummy when he stopped crying. That way he learns that he is rewarded for NOT crying. But as I said tricky.
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well i gave him the dummy when he stopped crying. and of course i said " i am giving you now because u have stopped crying" but question how much that is understood.
maybe i could put him into his high chair,bulked him up and have him face the wall.
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Germaine, one of my 2year old is still on the dummy - i completely hate it but never had the guts to get wean her off. We make a point that she ONLY has it in her bed - nap time and night - NEVER during the day. She knows it and never asks for it. I have wanted to wean her off for ages now, but every time i try she cries so hard, it breaks my heart - I can see why - she does not understand why I would not give her something that has been part of her life so far.
I have now relaxed, a good friend with 2 kids had the same situation. She said, she tried and tried to wean the older one off the dummy, then gave up and once he was 3 and was old enough to undertand - she asked him to give dummy to Santa or something or other - worked like a dream! He asked for it once and that was that!
So, my point is, dont stress too much - just explain to him, dummy is for bed only and unless you want to battle it out - just wait until he is older. That's what i decided to do... My 2cents worth!!
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"maybe i could put him into his high chair,bulked him up and have him face the wall."
That could work yes.
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dp
18 yrs ago
One idea which I've heard sometimes works is to make a cut in the teat of the dummy and pretend you don't know about it. When the child puts the dummy in his mouth, he'll think it's broken and end up rejecting it of his own accord. You as the parent can then just pretend to try and fix it, sympathize, etc.
I would imagine it's best not to try this tactic in the middle of a tantrum though - rather just leave the 'broken' dummy around when he is playing etc and see what happens when he picks up the dummy to put in his mouth.
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An old girlfriend of mine said that when her parents wanted her and her brother to quit, they warned them about upcoming events. They then proceeded to cut a small bit off the dummy every day, so they got shorter and shorter until the kids were desperately sucking on stumps. I have no idea if this is a good tactic but it does make me laugh.
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This morning, another discipline episode. Here's what happened:
Woke up, went to his new train set. And i immediately said to him: "no toys, breakfast first". obediently went for his breakfast. When breakfast was finishe, I said to him" let's go clean up, changed and we will come back to the toys" . Probem starts! he started to whine, then asked my helper to carry him, refused to go to his room.
Whining persisted with crying starting...so i got stern, told him that he must clean up first. Refused to listen.
Put him onto a chair , facing the balcony. by this time, he was crying and screaming ( the usual stuff).
then i took his train set, open the door and "threw" it out. crying, attempting to walk away from his chair, calling out for his daddy. Dad attempted to carry him but was stopped by me.
So i sat in front of him, 5 steps away. and told him to stop crying and only if he stops can he walk towards me.
in 5mins, he stopped walked towards me and asked for water. gave water and told him that he was naughty for throwing tantrums. and got him to apolgoize to me.
then walked him to his room to clean up.
Exhausting! i was heart broken but i know i needed to be firm. and my husband was really heart broken, he actuallly teared!
was i being too harsh?
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nope, not harsh. it gets worse before it will get better (I hope, it will get better right?!!!) - mine are 2 yrs and 2 months - one is fine (just winges a lot but we ignore her) the other started being quite prone to tantrums - so this weekend she had time out twice - we did not even have to do it up untill a couple of months ago - is this the terrible twos we are hitting now? So, so emotionally exhausting! And heartbreaking - i felt like a bad mother - being mean to my kids - husband wisely said, "having to discipline them is very tough on you - but has to be done".
My mother says that it is actually worse on me then on them - they forget in about 15 min (which seemed true!) and i cant sleep thinking "oh, i was so mean to them, and they cried and cried... ".. Guess we all have to get over ourselves somehow.. has to be done...
As for weaning off dummy - i dont know - I would leave cutting the ends off for another few months - I am not sure that at 19 months they will understand yet?
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thanks Idsllvn. I couldn't agree more that disciplining is much harder on mothers and on the kids. We still think about the episode long after it has ended. FIngers crossed that it will get better soon.
Btw, when does that "terrible twos" syndrome comes to an end?
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"Btw, when does that "terrible twos" syndrome comes to an end?"
When they move out of the house... ;) Seriously though, it depends on:
- The innate temperament of the child. Some kids are just stubborn.
- The level of discipline in the household.
Kids over 3 tend to be much more gentle. They have passed through a tough phase of growing up and it will be calmer for a few years. As our #1 nears three, we have noticed that she is calming down a bit. The ability to articulate more complex concepts in speech helps a lot, I think.
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couldn't agree more, axptugy 38.
"The ability to articulate more complex concepts in speech helps a lot, I think." i have always thought that the biggest hurdle between me and my son when he was a baby was the inability for me to understand him!
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yes, i was reading somwhere that;s what sets them off - they cant quite explain themselves to you. But another thing I read - at 2 they still think that the world revolves around them and dont understand when they dont get something their way... So sweet!! Mind you - some people never move past this stage!! :)
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My daughter was addicted at night time only as well - at about 2 or maybe 2 1/2 we just let the dummy get really horrid - you know how every couple of months you have to throw them out. And we got her to throw it into the rubbish and she never cried or asked for it again. She did mention that she had thrown it away a few times a couple of months later when she saw another child with one but she was done. My mum did the same with my brother, but she put it down the toilet and that backfired cos the next day he flushed his brand new slippers down the toilet ;-)
on terrible 2s - it is horrid - I found it went to about 4 and then the tantrums started to ease a lot. Distraction, being firm, removing the attention - sometimes work and sometimes you have to take yourself out of the situation as well. I had to keep saying it isnt me, it is a stage. But I was in tears and embarrassed in public locations a number of times. There is a series of books which puts forwards a theory that I do agree to which is that around the 1/2 yrs there is a whole lot of chaos and this settles around the birthdays so you might see some balancing in a couple of months and then enter another chaos zone in about 9 months time.
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