Stay or go? - my fiance has a low libido...

I'm at my wits end... my boyfriend and now fiance has a very low libido. Once every 6 weeks is a good show.

Problem is, he is a lovely guy - full of character, fun, sociable quite often the centre of attention at a party. I love this side of him... but it is as if he expends all his energy in these areas and has little by way of energy for me. His ex-wife, and infact all his girlfriends seem to have left him. When I try and talk about it he just says that I sound like the rest of them... and that he knows I will leave him. I don't want to, but I really need some passion and intimacy. I've tried giving him books to read, raunchy videos, I've not talked about it incecently (I don't want to pressurise him ...) apparently he tried relationship counselling with his ex, but clearly it didn't work.

I've given up my career to come out to HK, and being in my late 30's (we're the same age) my family and friends are so happy that I have finally 'settled down'. My fiance said 'things' will change once we arrived here, I stupidly believed him. There is no change, but I can't bear letting my loved one's down, or letting me down for that matter. I feel ashamed if I were to leave him.

I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.

Anyone in a similar situation that can give advice???? I'm pretty desperate.

Try and see Nikki Green shes a relationship/sex counciller pardon the pun shes really laid back.Her mobile is 91041667 please give her a try, in the meantime talking about it may be putting him off.Try massage being intimate dose not mean full sex.Have you ever watched 9 and half weeks, take some seductive tips from it but please he needs to see someone

Is your boyfriend taking any sort of medication? Sometimes taking anti-anxiety meds can cause loss of libido. I do agree with Sarah Jane that you need to speak to a professional. And the fact he's tried relationship counselling in the past with his ex and it did not work has no relevance on you. You are his new partner and if he wants this relationship to work, he has to show you that he's willing to seek help. A lot of men unfortunately are embarrassed by loss of libido because it somehow emasculates them and they do not want to talk about it, but he has to put his feelings aside and consider you too. After all, you've given up your career and left your family and friends to come here with him, so he should be a bit more considerate towards you.

Mis-matched libidos are common in couples, so I'm sorry to say that if you leave this partner, you will find that the next partner may have similar differences to you.


If you have agreed to marry this man, think about what that means to you: do you really want to spend your life with this person? If the answer is yes, then you both need to seek counselling/professional/medical advice.


Low libido is great in respect that it does not interfere with other aspects of life - you can concentrate on your job, hobbies, friendships etc without other needs/desires. It unfortunately is often thought that people with low libido should be the ones seeking treatment, and is rarely suggested that ppl with high libido seek treatment to reduce libido. So, I feel for your partner, as in his own mind, there is no problem - you simply want too much. And in your mind, he is the one who does not want anything.


What I'm trying to say, in a convoluted way, is that it is not his problem, but a problem for both of you. A relationship like this can be difficult, but if you are committed to each other and you are both willing to seek professional help, then you can move through this issue together.


Good luck.

Thanks all, some good advice.

Clearly it is a difficult subject and I am not prepared to vent all details. I suppose I just want to know whether it is possible to maintain a relationship where the need for even just a kiss or cuddle, is higher in one person than the other. My libido isn't particularly high anymore, it's just higher than his. I'm finding it difficult.

I have actually bought a very good book earlier this year which addresses aspects for both partners, the lower libido and higher libido partner. I have been following the advice it gave but it has been hard work to try and get my fiance to read it. He is, slowly....! So again just the one person making the effort.

Looks like I need to go to counselling with him, although from a previous conversation my partner believes it would be a waste of time - 'as it was last time'. I'll try and raise the idea again. I guess his answer will show whether he is committed or not.

"'my partner believes it would be a waste of time - 'as it was last time'"


That worries me. Why would it be a waste to try to improve your sex life and relationship?


My husband has a much lower libido than mine. He is sometimes on anti-depressants, so I know what to expect then. When not on those, well, he's depressed and therefore wants to do nothing, including me.


I knew this before we got married. I have a hard time with it as I am in my mid-30's and in that peak. He knows that too. We've tried to reach a happy middle ground, where even if it's not PIV sex, then there is some sexual/intimate touching to give me what I need. For the most part, I am much happier now than I was when we first started dating.


Like you, any1, he has many amazing qualities and is a wonderful person and in the end, that did win out over less frequent sex.