Posted by
Mighty
18 yrs ago
My almost 5 year old says sorry (when she does something wrong) only when she wants her previlleges back. Meaning not really feeling sorry for what she has done and keeps on repeating her mistakes. I wonder what other parents do so that their children can really learn from their mistakes? Thank you.
Please support our advertisers:
Tks Cara... my concern is ... it is becoming a habit... thinking like "it doesnt matter even if I dont listen to mama because if i said sorry afterwards everything wl be alright". Wonder if there is a better and more effective way of telling them that when you say sorry, it means you are sorry and that you wont do it again. Am i asking for too much from a 5 year old?
Please support our advertisers:
"for a 5 year old, it doesn't have any meaning... it is more for politeness' sake than anything. "
Quite. Asking young children to apologize makes them socially competent. True repentance comes later in development..
"Am i asking for too much from a 5 year old?"
I think so. Morality is still a hazy concept at this age. Right and wrong are not clear. Children are quite mercenary and will do and say things that they perceive bring them advantage. As cara says, with age comes understanding.
Having said all that, you are right in asking for an apology. Just because she doesn't quite understand it yet doesn't mean it isn't an important social skill.
Please support our advertisers:
Tks axptguy 38, so what I can do is... keep on reminding her what is right and wrong and apologize when she does something naughty until she is a bit older to 'really' understand it.
Please support our advertisers:
"Tks axptguy 38, so what I can do is... keep on reminding her what is right and wrong and apologize when she does something naughty until she is a bit older to 'really' understand it."
Indeed. It takes a lot of patience but once she gets it all the related behaviors pertaining to the understanding are already in place and well practiced. If you only started teaching her then she would not be conditioned and would likely just figure out how to subvert the values to her own wishes. Besides, no one likes a rude child. ;)
Morality and social skills are not built-in behaviors. They have to be learned. An extreme example are people who never learned to "be nice" are sociopaths, whose actions are motivated purely by self interest.
As I have mentioned before on these boards, some parents and helpers tell us we are lucky because our children are so well behaved and nice. Luck has nothing to do with it. Hard work does. A polite and gentle three year old does not naturally become so.
Please support our advertisers:
I agree with what you have said axptguy38, however I do believe that a 5 year certainly knows right from wrong. My 5 year old certainly knows right from wrong with the basics. She certainly pushes the boundaries which most 5 years olds do and throws the sorry's out left, right and centre. But in general she knows when she has pushed it too far.
We also have people comment on our daughter's manners and yes, I agree, it's bloody hard work, but so worth it in the end. I always say to her, treat people the way you would like to be treated. It's an old cliche, but a good one and it works for her.
Please support our advertisers:
"I agree with what you have said axptguy38, however I do believe that a 5 year certainly knows right from wrong. My 5 year old certainly knows right from wrong with the basics. She certainly pushes the boundaries which most 5 years olds do and throws the sorry's out left, right and centre. But in general she knows when she has pushed it too far."
You are right. I did not mean to make a blanket statement. The age at which real "morals" start to emerge is varied but certainly at 5 the kid should have some idea. ;)
Please support our advertisers:
There certainly were alot of "certainly's" in there!! note to self: buy thesauras!
Please support our advertisers:
MayC
17 yrs ago
I agree that at 5, they have some idea. They know that they've done something wrong and when they do that, they are "sorry" for it. However, they lack the ability to control some temptations.
Please support our advertisers:
"Sorry" is a tough concept for the younger ones, but we have a routine that I "stole" from another parent. They must stop, look the other person in the eye and not just say "sorry", but "I'm sorry I (fill in the blank)." If it's a time out offense, not just an accident, their time in time out is planning what they should say in the apology. It at least makes them slow down and think about what they have done rather than a quick "sorry" and back to play.
Just remember this too takes a lot of practice, as do most social skills. Just think about how many times we have to teach them to cover their mouth when they sneeze or please or thank you.
Please support our advertisers:
Having worked as a nanny and a preschool teacher for a number of years, I can tell you that a 5 year old of normal intellect and social understanding deffinately understands right from wrong and even more deffinately knows how to manipulate you by saying what you want to hear. I'm a big fan of time outs for larger offences but they're not the only answer.
Parenting is a hard job but ultimately you need to raise an individual who displays empathy and accountability and the only way to get this is to ensure you give them rules and structure, enforce them lovingly, give feedback on progress (both positive and negative) and have an ongoing conversation about personal morals, ethics, empathy, etc.
Please support our advertisers:
You must be logged in to be able to reply.
Login now
Copy Link
Facebook
Gmail
Mail