Posted by
maz27
18 yrs ago
How do you deal with an angry 3.5yr old?
I have tried sticker charts but that seems to just lead to an argument about where they should be placed on the chart. Every lunchtime when I collect her from school she seems to have a fall out with her little friend that she walks home with - today being the worst when she purposely pushed her over. She says sorry but of course I know at this age they don't really understand the meaning of it.
There are many many occasions where she throws a tantrum and throws her plastic chair around or anything else. We are the family from hell on our local bus more often than not because of her tantrum getting on the bus or some other reason.
Of course there are good days but the bad behaviour seems to far outweigh the good.
If I was living in the UK I would seriously seek help from SuperNanny!
Any solutions on dealing with this I'd love to hear them? I'm getting very distressed by this all.
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I'll chime in. Follow-through and consistency, no matter how tired or annoyed you are, no matter how public the place. Make a plan and stick to it.
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MayC
18 yrs ago
I'm in the same boat.
I've been begging my daughter to drink her milk and eat her breakfast but all she does is scream the house down saying that she doesn't want to go to school. We've put her back to half day school (from full day school) but her crying has not stopped. Her teachers say she's happy at school. So now in the mornings, when she won't drink her milk or eat her breakfast, I take them away. I feel uneasy doing that... everybody keeps commenting on how thin she is but I'm not going to give in. Kids KNOW how to get our attention.
I agree.. if she argues over the stickers, take them away. If she throws the chair, take it away. I find the "naughty corner" helps. There are MANY, MANY times where I've had to hold her down and she'd be crying hysterically. I don't say a word, I just hold her down and I sit with her. She takes about 5 minutes (maybe more) but then miraculously she calms down and sucks her thumb. She's more willing to co-operate when she's calm.
I disagree that she doesn't know the "meaning" of what you tell her. I think that they know it TOO WELL so they purposely try to play up to get our attention. I'm going through it too so I know how it feels. Hang in there!
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On the bright side, it does get better. It can take months but it does. Time-outs and strictness do work.
It is important, however, to provide a "relief valve". As my wife says, "kids should be allowed to be kids". That means that they should be allowed to play outside every day, running and yelling like crazy, getting dirty, etc. They should get their way (within reason) outside of those "good behavior" times like doctor's office, school, dinner table, bedtime. Some things are always unacceptable (biting, spitting, fighting, talking back), but apart from that it is important for kids to know that they don't need to be on their best behavior all the time.
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"Punishment - I am referring to more positive practices. For example: if a child has hit someone and is removed from the situation and given time out, this is a form of punishment. If a toy is thrown across the room the child loses play privileges is another form of punishment."
I know it sounds weird but there are big parallels with animal training. What Amanda Le describes is known in the animal training world as "negative punishment" and is in fact far more effective than "positive punishment" (e.g. spanking). If there is bad behavior in a dog, just ignoring him/her until he/she behaves well again will eventually result in the bad behavior disappearing (this is known as "extinguishing"). Dogs and children want your attention. Putting them in a time out or removing the toy as Amanda Le says it an excellent way of punishing and teaching in a non-abusive manner. They will eventually understand that to get and keep your attention they must behave well.
Negative punishment, especially for younger children, simply teaches the child to a) be afraid of you and b) to hide his/her naughty behavior from you. I think that's what cara means if you read between the lines of her comment.
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MayC
17 yrs ago
"Negative punishment, especially for younger children, simply teaches the child to a) be afraid of you and b) to hide his/her naughty behavior from you. I think that's what cara means if you read between the lines of her comment."
c) he/she will think it is okay to hit others as well.
I speak with experience. She played up last month and I spanked her several times. I was shocked when she started hitting our helper and her friends. That was when I knew I had to seek a new method.
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Z
17 yrs ago
Another thing to consider is to set aside a regular time each day where you are totally and completely focused on your kid -- no blackberry, no cell phone, no interruptions. It doesn't need to be very long, but if they know that they can count on a half hour with papa as soon as they wake up or a half hour with mama before lunchtime where the activity is something that they direct or is something very special to them. This seems to make discipline much much more effective [of course our elder kid is not yet 2, so we haven't navigated the perils of 3.5 yet].
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MayC
17 yrs ago
Good point, Z.
My daughter loves it when I set time aside to play with her without interruptions.
I don't have a helper now and I work full time. There have been many times this month where she's asked me to play with her only to be told, "Later, honey, I am busy", then "later" never comes.
This morning, she woke up earlier so we could play a little before her school. We played throwing and catching together for 10 minutes and she was smiling throughout. She was very co-operative afterwards when I got her to drink her milk, eat her breakfast and get dressed for school.
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