Help with 7 year old boy??!! PLease!.

Help me!My son likes to be mean sometimes like taking his little sibling's toy, holding it for a minute, laughing at the screaming that takes place before giving it back. How do you suggest I deal with it? He also really dislikes change so if I say we're going swimming, even if he loves swimming, if he didn't know we were going, he immediately says that he doesn't want to go and is slow getting ready. When we get there, he never wants to leave, but I am always having to push, push, push him to do things. If I make him go to his room, he wants to run out, but I have to stand there and make sure he stays inside. If I don't make him go and exercise he gets full of energy, but yet, he fights with me and says he doesn't want to, but then he won't fall asleep as easily!!Help and more help would be greatly apreciated!! I need the super nanny . ha ha. I don't really love the naughty step, but I don't know what to do!!!!!

phew, thank goodness, May C - i had a fright thinking that;s what you have to go through when they are 7!!! ah, 4 i can manage... by 7, mummy will probably go mad with that sort of thing...


I am sorry I do not have experience with 7 year olds but from some Supernanny program i do remember that she said managing your kids' expectations help. Like saying - tomorrow we are going swimming - i.e. giving them enough warning... I know it wont work if you decide to do something last minute but at least in some cases in might help..


And, yes, ignoring is a good one. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this sort of thing at the age of 7... I was kind of hoping that it is all done and dusted after "terrible twos"..


Good luck!

notyou:

I think it's a case of finding what works with your particular child. For a 7-year-old planned ignoring may work or it may make your child take his naughty behaviour to the next level so that he definitely gets your attention.


Assuming your child does receive adequate amount & quality of attention from you, and there are no traumatic experiences (e.g. a death in the family, a divorce, being bullied at school etc etc) to explain his behaviour then I would suggest thinking of ways to be more assertive.


Many kids test their parents and calm down when the parent has proved that they have the upper hand and are able to enforce boundaries. e.g.


Teasing younger sibling by taking away a toy:

Restore the item in question to younger child immediately, take away a favourite toy / book / game from your boy and put it somewhere where he can't get it back for a fixed period (e.g. 1 hour / for the rest of the day) then turn your attention back to the younger one and help her recover.


Changing activity:

1 Obviously try your best to give advance warning, with 2-3 reminders.

2 Have a little chat with your son to explain that advance warning is not always possible and you will require cooperation on those occasions, otherwise there will be consequences.

3 Explain why it is fair that he has to fit in with an activity not of his choosing. E.g. "Son, you wanted to go to XXX Park yesterday and we all went, now it's our turn to choose something and we've picked swimming."

4 Have a consequence for non-compliance. E.g. leave him behind with DH. Or if he comes and is grumpy ignore the grumpiness. If grumpiness is unbearable, threaten to similarly sabotage an outing he's picked "Cheer up otherwise next time you want to go to the park I'll wear a long face and complain the whole time we're there and see how you like it!"


Other consequences for dragging his feet & being grumpy could be toy deprivation, dock his pocket money. Better to have something immediately enforceable, try to get your son to carry his pocket money with him always and then you can fine him on the spot if necessary. Or take away things he's got with him. If my boy doesn't respond to repeated warnings, I take his wristwatch, which is his special glow-in-the-dark watch and it means a lot to him.


Refusing to accept time-out in his room

I also experienced this. I told my boy that if he didn't comply I would have our handyman install a lock high up on the door and then I'd lock him in for his time-out. (BTW - I WOULD NEVER ACTUALLY DO THIS.) Once I had asserted my authority by saying this he went in there OK. I also made sure that when I put him in, I tell him how long for. And I keep the time short. I recommend 1 minute per year of age and time it so you don't go over.


Another idea is to threaten toy deprivation, docking pocket money if he won't go for time-out. I strongly advocate a consequence you can enforce immediately. E.g. he doesn't stay in his room you warn him 3x then take his favourite toy train. Still not in? 2x warning then take his favourite remote control car.


The first few times are the hardest and then when he learns who's in control he will accept it much more quickly.


Furthermore, when he does do well, give excessive praise. Emphasise the happiness of having done what is right, of having brought happiness to one's family members. Tell your son explicitly how he's made you & others feel, both when he's behaving and when he's playing up.


Good luck to you!

Thank you.

PS...I'll let you know how it goes!

Anyone else having these problems?

I used to have them with my son when he was 7, too. That's the age when (past terrible 2s) he started questioning my authority, arguing my every suggestion etc... I thought it was early teenage crisis!!

At that time, he had a game boy and all he wanted to do was game boy or TV, no sports, no outing etc... I explained to him many times that outdoor activities/sports are good for you in many ways (physically, socially, etc...), which didn't do much, but he now understands that.

About not staying in his room, i consider that having to hold his door or stay with him until he calms down is sending the wrong message: you're not the one being punished and shouldn't have to be locked up with him or stuck outside his door, that would definitely be a winner for him as your attention is successfully diverted from whatever he was trying to get you away from.

Advance warning is a must indeed, but he is old enough to understand what a rule is. If he pesters his siblings/won't listen to you/give you attitude/etc, he'll go to his room, that's the rule. But you can't expect to start this before you've set the rules. Start making house rules: from now on, if this, then that. Then you can implement them without much more warning that "I warned you if you did this then that would happen".

If he won't stay in his room, then confiscate a toy/privilege/cancel playdates or outings for a given period of time: one hour, rest of the day/one week/one month depending on how serious the offence and how he has been ignoring your rules and warnings. If he doesn't want to come out, e can stay home but no game boy (more liek PSP, nowadays) or tv, inform the DH and make sure he knows she has the authority to prevent him from turning the tv on as soon as you're out the door.

My son, now 13, recently stole money from his grandmother, and it wasn't 50$ either! I was so shocked I didn't know what punishment to think of! Eventually, I removed all privileges from him for a month: outings, tv, playstation, music, weekly allowance, phone calls to friends plus got him to write an apology to his granny, as well as call her (she's overseas) to apologise.

I was still confused and didn't know what to do, so I looked up a website that said teenagers who steal/lie will do it again at least a couple more times before they stop, but will only stop if you deal with it firmly and seriously. Parents on the website said that at the second offense they had removed all privileges, as well as baring the teen's room of everything but his/her bed, and take the door out so he/she has no privacy.

Of course, your son i too young for this, but he is also too old for the naughty step. I definitely believe consistently removing favourite toys or privileges for an hour/day should get him to understand he must stay in his room when you send him there. You're the boss, he is old enough to get that quickly, and absolutely capable of understanding he's too old for the kind of tantrumish behaviour you describe.

After all, obeying the rules, whether they are 2, 7 or 13 years old is about preparing them for life in the community: if you don't obey the rules/laws, you will be excluded from the rest of us, whether it's on the naughty step, the room or jail is only a question of age.

Good luck!