How does your toddler go to bed?

For the past couple of years, I have been spoiling mine. We read a book whilst he drinks his milk, then I stay with him until he falls asleep, which usually takes 5-10 minutes. I have always loved our bedtime routine which is 'our' time together. We snuggle, we kiss and we talk about the day and what will happen the following day.


Lately though there have been some changes. He is now staying awake later and later until this week, it has been taking him a whole hour to fall asleep. If I leave him whilst he is still awake, he will scream and cry and plead but then settle himself to sleep within 10 minutes. This is the same whether I leave him at the beginning of the hour or at the end of the hour.


My dilemma, therefore, is whether to change our bedtime routine so that he puts himself to sleep every night instead of having me hang around. This seems to be the most healthy option for all involved (particularly since we also have a newborn in the house); but I will be sad to give up our bedtime routine. It has never been brought up in this context, but I also don't want hime to feel that I am abandoning him because there is a new baby around now. What are your thoughts?


Many thanks,

MF

I think you answered your own question. It sounds like he had a very secure bedtime routine, but is obviously now very aware of a new baby in the house, is probably feeling a bit pushed out and jealous, and is using the bedtime routine to show this. If you can I'd keep his routine as it is, and make it your special one on one time.

As cd said, you have answered your own questions.


"My dilemma, therefore, is whether to change our bedtime routine so that he puts himself to sleep every night instead of having me hang around."


He needs to learn to fall asleep by himself. He will not like going through the process but in the end it is a good thing.



As for the routine, you can (and should) still have one. You just need to leave while he is still awake.



"It has never been brought up in this context, but I also don't want hime to feel that I am abandoning him because there is a new baby around now."


The important thing is to start the new routine before new baby comes in, so that he does not associate the change (and his temporary misery) with new baby.

MF,


congrats on your new baby.

I wouldn't abandon the bedtime routine because I think your tot will feel abandoned. However, it sounds like you need to make some changes:

1) What time does this bedtime routine start? You didn't mention his age, perhaps he needs to go to bed a little later, perhaps 30 mins later than usual? Because if he is older, perhaps he is not ready to sleep at the usual time anymore.

2) Do you have a helper or is your husband able to make it home for bedtime? How is the newborn settling? For me, when #2 arrived, we had a really hard time settling him at 7pm, a total nightmare for the first couple of months. But my husband managed to make it home for our tot's bedtime so he handled his bedtime (story, cuddle and what not) while I handled our newborn. So if your newborn also needs attention, you might need to look at another adult helping you out during bedtime.


I think it's important for children to sleep independently but perhaps this is not the best time to start the training now. At the same time, if you have given enough attention at this bedtime routine, you can be firm about leaving the room after 1 hour, whining about 10 mins from a tot doesn't sound that bad to me. Make him feel very secure, enjoy this special bedtime routine.


Good luck!

Thanks for your replies. I think you are all right to say that it is important for him to learn to sleep independently but that now may not be the best time to start.


Wheelymate, my eldest is 2. I've been putting him to bed sometime between 7 and 8pm and he wakes up sometime between 7 and 8am. His evening routine starts with dinner between 5:30pm and 6pm; he has a bath when Daddy gets home just before 7 then it's milk, story and bed. I should clarify that the stalling tactics started even before the baby was born, and that he has been resisting his lunchtime nap since he started going to pre-nursery in September. Perhaps on certain days he really is not that sleepy although sometimes he will appear to be asleep but jump up when I try to leave the room. I think he just likes me being there with him, and you are right -- this s where I should draw the line and let him cry. I just wonder if I should cut out the hour in between so he gets to sleep at 7:30pm instead of 8:30pm.


Daddy is usually home by my toddler's bedtime, but bedtime has always been my thing so even though he will go to sleep with Daddy, he will call for me. We do have help also but I already feel like I am neglecting my eldest because we used to do so much together and now I'm delegating him to everybody else because the feeding demands are so full-on with a newborn.


I guess what I should do is carry on as much as possible with the old routine until there's no chance my toddler feels like he is being abandoned in favour of the baby. I should also mention that so far, he has been the model big brother -- he asks for him as soon as he wakes up in the morning, he wants to help with everything, he gives his little brother thousands of kisses and tells everybody he meets that he has a little brother. Now it's up to me to try not to undo all that goodwill! Thank you for helping me to work this out.

Hi my tot who is 22 months old share a similar bedtime routine, i too stay in the room with him until he fall asleep. I know it will be advisable to leave the room while he is stil awake, any advice on how should I go about starting this? do i need a bedtime light, and leave it on?

Hi MF,


Starting school does all sorts of funny things to naptimes. When mine started at 19 months, you would think he would be so tired that he would crash out asap. But instead we had some afternoons when he was so hyped up he wouldn't sleep! my friend had a similar experience. I think he needs time to settle still since he only started in Sept. And he's already 2, some kids cut back alot on their lunchtime nap around this stage. And even when he does sleep, you might find it might affect his bedtime. My boy is 2 years 7 months, if he sleeps more than an hour these days, he definitely wouldn't sleep by 7pm. My friend's kid on the other hand is almost 3 and can still do 2 hours in the afternoon and 12 hours at night. So every kid is different.


As for the introduction to newborn at home, I would think half the battle is already won that your tot loves the baby so much. Mine took alot to adjust and even now 10 months down the road, 2 boys sharing a room, they are sometimes the worst of enemies (toy sharing is something to get used to still) but also the best of friends sometimes. I had a rough time when #2 arrived. He was generally an easy baby (although at nightmare at 7pm) but my tot took it quite hard and that hurt me alot too. I stay home to look after him so the transition from being just mummy and him to having to split the attention was rough for both parties. The guilt on my part was pretty immense. But once you get over that and the whole family settles into a new routine with the baby, things will get back on track. What I do with my tot these days is during weekends, my husband and I take turns to take him out on a special outing while baby stays home with the other parent. That's something you can think about too.


good luck!


p.s: germaine, i think supernanny has some good suggestions...

My littl one os 25 months and we have similar routine to yours. She is settled in bed around 7.30, to sleep at 8pm. Once she is looking sleepy I leave the room, if she protests I just say 'mummy is going to the bathroom, I'll be right back'. This seems to do the trick and she then drops off to sleep. I always use the same phrase so she understands that is time to go to sleep, on her own.

"'mummy is going to the bathroom, I'll be right back'. "


Good trick. Another is "Mommy has to go wash the dishes. I'll come up and kiss you later". And she does kiss them later, about two hours later. ;)

oh yes, i do the bathroom trick sometimes...

I say " mummy is right next door, I am not going anywhere" - that does the trick too! you do feel a bit rubbish about saying that if you are just about to go out tho!! :(

I'd never thought of telling him I was off to do something else. Maybe I'll try that when I try to leave him again later. I have a feeling he would just get right out of bed and come with me though!

"I'd never thought of telling him I was off to do something else. Maybe I'll try that when I try to leave him again later. I have a feeling he would just get right out of bed and come with me though!"


He will. That's what baby gates are for. And it takes time. I can't count how many times I've carried my girls back to bed at bedtime and in the middle of the night.