setting limits

For most of the last year, my 2yo has been the kind of kid everyone dreams about having -- helpful, polite, adorable, almost no behavioral issues. She had a couple of tantrums at about 18 months old, but we resolved them in a way that allowed her to choose to be more grown up rather than less.


However, since her brother was born 10 weeks ago, things have been much rockier. I was expecting a good deal of jealousy, and I planned for that situation, as well as being prepared for her to revert to babyhood, but she hasn't really exhibited either behavior. Instead, she has been waking up several times during the night and melting down almost randomly during the day. Plus, she has started to pick at the skin on her upper lip to the point of bleeding. Obviously these issues are related to each other and to the stress of having a new brother.


My question is, how to set limits on random behavior?

Actually, it's a two part question -- the second is what to do about all the people who run over wanting to help because she is crying. If they were running to me and asking if they could help, I could just say that I have things under control, but they are all running to her and saying don't cry, don't cry, what's the matter, here have a cookie....

"My question is, how to set limits on random behavior? "


By random I assume you mean "bad" behavior?

- Say "no"

- If she persists, warn her that she will go in a time out.

- If she does it again, put her in a time out. Let her cry it out. After a few time outs kids get the picture. The important thing is not to back down.


- Try to make a little time only for her every day. She may not appreciate it directly, but in the long run it is healthy.

- Get her a nice big doll that she can "baby". That way she can emulate you, change diapers, feed, rock to sleep, etc... Works wonder with most kids.

- Include her in baby activities. Let her help with bathing, changing, feeding. Gently of course and supervised, but since your child is probably feeling a bit left out, including her helps a lot. It is not always possible but when it is...



"-- the second is what to do about all the people who run over wanting to help because she is crying."


Say "she's fine". Wave them off. If necessary stand between the helpful person and your daughter, look stern and body block. You have exactly the right instincts. We (including our helper) have to deal with this frequently. Many people do not seem to understand that a little pain and tears will not kill the child, and much of the crying is just seeking attention. If these people think you are nuts, then so be it.

Hi Z,


I'm reading your post with interest because I have a 3 week old and my 28 month old is also starting to act up for attention. It is obvious that this is a result in the changes in our family dynamic and my belief is that it is a time that you really need to reassure your daughter thats she is still very important to you and give her lots of love and attention. Because I know that my little boy is feeling sensitive and vulnerable right now, I am trying to minimize the negative attention that I give him and heap on the positive attention instead. For example, lately he has started spitting his food onto the floor and then looking at me with a challenging look in his eye. My usual response would be pretty much what axptguy recommends -- saying no, threatening time out and then putting him in time out if it happens again. He used to respond to this -- have a bit of a meltdown but then calm down and not repeat the offending action, but starting this week, he has started fighting and hitting out at me when I drag him to time out. So I am trying something new as suggested by his kindy teacher: Now when he spits, I don't tell him off, I just say "Oops, look likes you've had an accident there. Let's go and find a tissue and a cloth and clean it up together." So far, maybe out of novelty, he has responded positively. He quickly forgets that he is trying to play me and gets more interested in the next activity -- getting out the cleaning stuff etc. It takes a lot of patience and is much more work than just telling him off but it does give him what he is craving (personal attention from me) without hurting his already vulnerable feelings.


Your second question is far easier to answer. I just physically get in between the helpful person and the child. It's a pretty powerful physical barrier and people always get the picture without you having to say anything.

mayafox has some cool ideas actually. I like it.

Hey thanks both of you. I'm starting to incorporate bits from each of you into our daily lives. She had been pushing me away during the time that I had planned on spending with her [it had been Mamamamama right up until the moment that I said socks and shoes on, let's go outside and then it became Ayiayiayi], but once I started insisting, things got much better immediately. We spent the first few days together running errands, and the next few making up errands to run, and now she is back on Her "bad" behavior had pretty much been random outbursts of crying -- as in, we are walking down the street and suddenly she is in tears at the top of her voice, or we are at home playing in the living room and suddenly out of nowhere.... So, I'd pick her up, set her down on the couch, and instead of letting her cry it out or trying to figure out what was wrong, I'd just say "I'm going to leave you here until you are done crying" or "I can't understand you while you're crying, so let me know when you are done" and it is amazing how well "I can't understand you while you are crying" works after just a few incidents of taking her out of the situation. but only for me....


With the more standard things [for example, checking to see if I am watching and then coloring on the floor] I use the more mayafox approach -- color on paper dear, here's a wet nap to wipe that up, oh look over here, you missed a spot, let's put that into the trash and try again, how about if I draw your foot?


The other issue -- how to avoid "help" has been a little trickier -- these aren't strangers [I do use your techniques with strangers, with much success], but they are the Ayis of her little friends. Who were starting to complain to my Ayi that I wouldn't let them help me. Who have been known to excommunicate a kid because of the kid's Ayi's behavior... In the end, I figured out how to say "I know you want to help, but that is actually more of a hindrance" and "I know you wanted to help me just now, but according to our country's beliefs, the thing that you were doing was going to hurt my kid" It's not smooth, or particularly pretty, but it seems to have settled everyone back down.


Yay.