14 yo very bad performance at school

Yep, did the right thing for him and your pride as parents.


Children, no matter of age must live up to certain expectations. Being late, incorrect text books and instruments in school bag, homework with no effort are just unacceptable. If he wants to go pro than there are still certain minimum education level and responsibilities that need to be met. That is crystal clear.


However, by stripping all his sporting activities, leisure activity drumming and internet (which seems to be about everything he had) may be too harsh, depending on his character, may have adverse consequences. Afterall, these factors motivate him and in some circumstances essentials to teenagers.


Maybe after thorough scrutinizing on his part and basic responsibilities met, like being on time, correct books / equipment for the school lessons etc. you will at least appreciate his initial efforts and allow him to resume limited activities and internet which often used for homework. Once he is fully understands his responsibities and able to strike the balance between sports and schooling then you are able to implement a fuller sports schedule.


It's just part of growing up to organize yourself between work and play and to meet certain expectations/aspirations/goals/responsibilities etc. You are there to guide him with your experience and wisdom. Sometimes we need to be strict, but sometimes we need to encourage and somehow brush him along the right path. No one said it will be easy as parents.

I think you did the right thing.


Doing his homework, being punctual etc - these are skills that he NEEDS to learn for later on, so that he can be a responsible adult. We shouldn't ignore this - we shouldn't let them think it is okay to do it.


I don't think stripping him of his sporting and leisure activities are too harsh. These activities NEED money and parents work hard to EARN enough for their children to do these activities. He needs to realise that his parents STUDIED and worked hard to be able to give him those. If he wants to continue them, then fair enough, he needs to work hard at school to EARN such priviledges and by that I mean being disciplined enough to take responsibility for his own homework.


Good luck. It's tough being a parent. Mine's only 4 and I'm stressing as well over things... namely trying to understand the local ed system here and nothing in English to help.

babswymak and MayC both seem to have the wrong attitude. Not everybody is the same and not everybody wants to be a doctor, lawyer or investment banker. Which seem to be the only occupations HK parents are interested in. Your son obviously has his sights set on something unique and interesting. Our daughter was having the same attitude at school as your son. We changed schools... In a different school she connected and excelled, ending up head girl. Nothing at home changed just the school... We had been paying top $$$ fees because we thought that would get her the best education apparently not so!! Is your son enjoying school, if not is he being bullied or teased. There may be some negative factors effecting your son. Find the problem and the solution will find you.

BoBB> not sure where you got that babs or May want their kids to be doctor/lawyer/whatever...the message I got, and one I definitely agree with, is that kids by 14 need to 'man up' and start being RESPONSIBLE for their actions as that is crucial to being a responsible, successful adult NO MATTER WHAT YOUR PROFESSION!

Agree with bobbing to a certain extent, have you actually sat down with your son and asked him what the problem is at school, i.e. is he being bullied, is he finding the work tough, does he have many friends or does he feel isolated, has he got in with a bad crowd and having to face hard peer pressure etc. Kids at 14 to not need to 'man up'. They are going through huge changes, both physically and emotionally at 14, they need understanding, and parents that can sit down and talk to them without losing their cool. I do have some sympathy towards you, as I also have a 14 year old boy. But I know from experience with my sons friends that the ones that have their sports taken away, and are forced to do lots of homework (set by parenst not the school) are the ones that are very sneaky when out get up to all sorts, and will eventually have a worst relationship with their parents. We've had a couple of issues with our son recently that we've managed to sit and talk through, he knows that of all the things he could do, lying to us is the worst, we would rather have the truth however bad it is.

Sport is very important to boys especially, I would rather my son had a keen interest in sports and have the discipline of playing for teams than hanging around on street corners.

As to the school, maybe its not the right one for him. We had to move my daughter from one of HK's 'top' schools after 2 years as it was totally knocking her confidence and her grades were slipping across the board (down to E's in 1 subject), with 3 weeks at her new school she was back up to A's.

And where BoBB, got the doctor/lawyer thing from is well known facts in HK that parents push their kids academically with little regard to anything else. Some kids just aren't top academic students, but they may excel at the Arts, or music or sports, or good with their hands, in which case they should be encouraged in that field just as much as the brainy whizz kids. They may head for a job in their chosen field, it doesn't make them any less a valuable person because they turn out to be a plumber rather than a doctor.

Yes, I must say that it's not about wanting my kid to be a doctor or a lawyer when she grows up. The government requires children to complete secondary school for a reason.


When I was a teenager, about 16 I think, I told my mum, "I love performing, I want to be a pianist" and I truly believed it. I was the school's pianist and everyone thought I was talented. But out there in the world, I didn't cut it. I was NOT good enough and that was the reality. I'm glad my parents didn't say, "In that case, let's hire a tutor that will teach you all day instead of going to school". With a strong education background, thanks to my parents, I had a choice. I could go on to be a professional accountant.


I am not saying that sports are bad either. In fact, I feel children in HK do not do enough of those. I'm sure the op sees the benefit of sports for her to be letting her son do it as well. What I'm saying is that yes, my kid can do whatever she wants but there's a limit to it. There are rules she has to follow as well. In life, we don't always get what we want and it is up to the parents to guide their children.


I mean, some parents would have been perfectly happy if I turned out to be a piano teacher instead of a concert pianist or an accountant. But for me, I am thankful that my parents made sure I continued studying.


I certainly do not feel that I need my daughter to be a top student academically either. Many successsful businessmen aren't top students and what's more, we do not use what we're taught at school (eg. trigonometry, biology etc)... but what it teaches us is the discipline to do our own work, the responsibility to make sure our work is done and the creativity to think about situations.


We've all given our point of views and they are all valid (because I don't disagree with cd or bobbing either).... but I think at the end of the day, it's all about striking a balance between all.


Good luck.

Here, here MayC....totally agree with you.


I happen to be a 1st runner up British Champion in my sport and when I returned to Hong Kong also became the Hong Kong National Champion and represented Hong Kong Team.


Nevertheless, I made sure with the encouragement of my parents, that I got through university. I had the choice from then to carry through my sporting career or go into financial/banking career.


I did my best to balance both careers and gained tremendously from both fields. I can tell you my schedule was very tight and I was exhausted after working a full day at work and training to late in the evenings. It takes even more organization and discipline. You have to be dedicated and be strong to succeed.


Now that I have my own kids, I always encourage them in whatever field they are strong at. Contrary to Bobb-ing, I never expect my kids to be doctor, lawyer etc. but to discipline themselves and be dedicated to whatever their chosen field. However, they must go as far as they can in their education because, whether you like it or not it is a basic requirement. It is the "door" to choose your own path.


Hence, my advice to Camping and his/her son - strike the right balance and be dedicated in whatever field and continue the education. Your son will succeed!

I agree with flashback.

Sometimes kids need their parents to listen, not lecture.

I agree with flashback too. You need to re-establish your relationship with your son as soon as possible.

Why put him on monitoring by the school monitor system? Is this the best solution to the problem? Will this affect his self-esteem?

When my son was 14 years ago, I bought him a book ‘Being a Happy Teenager’ by Andrew Matthews, not because he likes to read, but because it’s important to let him know his role being a teenager in the family.

You son has demonstrated his passion in sport; this is a very good sign for a teenager.

Sport will only make good impact on teenager boy, beside he will also have tons of good friends.


As a parent you need to let your son feels that you care about him, and you love him no matter what. Spend some time talk to him everyday, some topic related to sport or something he might be interested. Many parents fail to establish a good relationship with their teenager’s kids, because they don’t understand each other anymore. They don’t have anything in common to talk about it. What a pity.


Try to find a way to motivate him, to encourage him and support him. Make him a happy teenager.

I think one's perspective on this varies greatly depending on whether you have teenagers, and even so if they are boys. Most boys are slower to mature and this can really catch them out at 14 (Y10) as they go into GCSE and course work heats up. Boys who were doing well can find it difficult to cope from organization to just course demands. If this is the case, I don't think extra support from the school is negative ..... since these systems are there to help the kids..... but it may not be enough. By re-connecting and talking to your son, you should be able to evaluate if he needs more assistance in the short-term such as a tutor. My son's friend (also 14) ran into similar problems this year, and the tutor has really helped him settle into the course load.


At the same time, it may not just be the course load, there could be other issues of bullying, peer-pressure, isolation etc. All of this factors can affect a teenager tremendously, and they need understanding and listening and not just discipline.


For discipline, I would exclude computer/games/tv etc first ..... since they have little "positive" impact. Even after the connecting and talking, some consequences need to exist. However, I would not eliminate the sport. As said, sport is positive and also allows him to burn all that extra energy. At my son's school, they are always encouraging more sport etc since it seems that these kids tend to be more directed and focused in their studies, and have a positive use of free time.

Agree itxhk, reading between the lines I would guess that most people saying ban the sport etc do not have teenage boys, those that don't agree either have teenage boys (like myself) or some sort of teaching background.

Hi Camping sorry to hear about your concerns.

Afraid I have to agree with those who think you've been too strict with regards to sports.

I believe kids need warning, regardless of their age. You can't set a new rule without warning. Nothing in your OP suggest you didn't warn him, but I am assuming you didn't. You should have warned him specifically of what exact punishment would come from not improving, and what further punishment would be if there was still no improvement. This would have sent a couple of messages while allowing you to show you carry out your threats and it is was all done according to a rule he knew of and understood. Fair and square. A sportsboy like him would definitely understand this kind of rules. Anyway, don't want to rub it in, just explain why I think you were a little extreme, besides it cannot be undone or you risk losing credibility (BTW, i definitely believe sports to be part of a good education, in many ways other than energy spending)

The best way out of this is to give him back sports privileges as soon as you see the first signs of improvement in his school work/punctuality/whatever else was the probkem.

This will allow you to lessen a harsh punishment without losing authority, while showing him 1/ that you are watching him closely 2/ that every little improvement is positive in your eyes (he doesn't have to become an outstanding student before he gets a reward) 3/ that your word can be trusted 4/ that you know how much he values his sport activities 5/ that in the end, you care about what makes him happy, which is why you give him back sports first

My son is exactly the same. except that he has a diagnosis of ADD. He is so unmotivated with school work and underperforms in anything that he isn't interested in. He's homeschooled now through a virtual online program (wiloworld3d). He used to attend an ESF school and it was a huge struggle. If he were merely interested in a sport during that time, I would have done everything I could to keep him involved in the sport, just because he was interested in something and because sports is a very healthy thing to be interested in. I can understand what you are going through and it's hard sometimes to know where to draw the line, but if he has any interest in pursuing ANY healthy activity, I would do everthing I could to support him in that area.

With intelligence, during the age of 15 or so; one becomes 'self isolated' caused by a newly accrued state of awareness. That one is in total independant existance; he/she stops just being a dummy that is obedient (no matter how brilliant or fantastically artistic/logical/ or whatever they are); they are no longer a sheep. They are , as we all are ; totally independant human beings. This can make some of us (at that age) give up, and loose all sense of that whatever the world is; what is it all about ... visionary! When you can see so far away 'you do no connect with what's in front of you'. But, love always connects ; not the carrot or the stick. Mike.UK. (kind of , anyway ; his problem is mmmm 'his hearing, his sight .. it actually is something he cannot CONFIDE to you about ; why? and ask him now!!!!!!!!!!!!!