overwhelmed

i have 3 children aged 5, 9 and 11. the two oldest boys have always been really easy going and my youngest little girl is really a lovely, happy child.


My 11 year old is starting to become extremely moody and seems to go to bed and wake up in a grouchy bad mood. i've talked to him about school and his friends and he insists that there is nothing wrong. i've always been one of those 'get on with it' parents but recently i find myself nervous that i cannot cope with three growing children who need me more and more emotionally. i want to be there for my children and to be a support to them, but i'm starting to feel scared that i'm on my own in terms of caring for their emotional wellbeing. my husband works extremely long hours and is never around. when he is he can be really irrational with them as he is tired. there is nothing i can do about this.


he has said on occasion that i'm 'hard' on the kids at times. i suppose i have been. the two older children needed fairly structured routines but as they get older i'm trying to be more flexible with them.


what i would like is some advice from members that have experience of a big family. how do you manage to spread yourself amoungst your children?


i want the best for my kids and i don't want to screw up my relationship with my children. any advice is gratefully recieved!

I'm not sure that this is the perspective that you are looking for, but I'm the eldest of a [flock, herd, murder?] -- well, anyhow, of seven.


My advice is going to be to give him a little bit of space as far as confiding to you goes. He's getting to that moody teenager period: he's starting to be interested in a girl; he is trying on teenage angst to try to fit in; he is starting to identify the places he doesn't fit in with his family; he just realized that he's slower than the entire girls track team [actually happened to my brother]... It's probably the most productive for you to say to him something that encompasses these three points [and in this order]: 1. privacy is important and I respect yours; 2. you are capable of finding a way to keep whatever is making you so grouchy from interfering with our normal family dynamic [i.e. your right to be grumpy stops at the end of my nose]; and 3. I'm available if you want a sounding board.


Another thing -- make sure that you have a regularly scheduled bit of one on one time with each of them at least once a week. It doesn't need to be long, but it does need to have a rather loose end point. During this time, make sure that you are really listening to whatever they are thinking about -- and reply seriously, as if they were adults. Don't be afraid to point out flaws in their thinking, just do it respectfully, ie: but what about this factor? If you do this right, it is the basis for the lasting relationship, and gives them a safe opportunity to discuss their worry of the moment. It needs to be a little bit open ended but also have a regular endpoint -- say, you generally go out for a sundae on sunday afternoon and spend 45 mins; just make sure that the next half hour doesn't have something scheduled that can't be put off. Kids will tend to get to the real issue 5 mins before the bell rings, so it's handy if you can say "don't worry, we have time" when something big comes up.

thanks for your advice... it was good to get different perspectives..

i've been trying to take a deep breath and step back. i suppose i just assumed that the parenting stuff would get easier as they got older! it's not the case! but i love my children and don't want to fail them. i need to relax on the controlling front!

Sounds like your eally need your husbands hand. Boys over 6 years old, apparently need their dads to be more 'present' in their lives.

Steve biddulph says that it's good to also have good male role models in your boy's lives. Somebody they can talk to, confide in, show them the ropes of how to be a man. Easier said than done whn you dont live in your own country with your family and friends around you.