Hello,
I'm worried as my children ( 5 years old and 2 years old) are VERY attached to our helper.
This lady has been working for us for more than 4 years now and we are happy about her.
She knows the children since they are born and she's very close to them too.
The problem is that I feel that my children are over attached to her and sometimes it's really annoying me.
For example if I say no to my kids, they would go to her and try to get what they want. She knows that when I say no she has to say the same but I find it really difficult to see my children feeling they can try a "second" chance...
My elder kid is also always telling her "I love you" and I feel it's too much. I told him he can only say it to his parents and granparents and close family but he keeps on.
The thing that doesn't help is that I'm working (part time) and they are often alone with her. So she's really looking after them during the day.
I even considered changing of helper but I feel it's not the solution as I can trust her and I feel my children are safe and happy with her.
Any advice on how I can handle this feeling ????
All feedback will be very appreciated. Thank you.
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As cara once put it "thank your lucky star". Your children loving your helper is a good thing. I think you are worrying a bit much about the whole thing.
Children don't ration love. They can love both you and the helper (and daddy, and grandma, and...).
"My elder kid is also always telling her "I love you" and I feel it's too much. I told him he can only say it to his parents and granparents and close family but he keeps on."
I don't see this as a problem. If they love her they love her. Telling him he can't say it might confuse him.
"For example if I say no to my kids, they would go to her and try to get what they want. She knows that when I say no she has to say the same but I find it really difficult to see my children feeling they can try a "second" chance..."
This is normal child behavior. Same as trying the other parent. As long as what you say goes (and the other way around) there is no issue. Problems arise if the other person gives in when the first has said no.
"The thing that doesn't help is that I'm working (part time) and they are often alone with her. So she's really looking after them during the day."
My wife works full time and only sees the kids 2 hours a day on weekdays. But she is no less "in demand".
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Axptguy38, thanks a lot for your input.
I would just like to make sure there is a "line" between our family and her. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by her presence and her importance in our life. She knows everything that is going on in the house and it's like having no privacy.
The good thing is that we speak a foreign language she can't understand, so at least she can't understand our conversations.
To be honest, I really appreciate when she's not here on Sundays, I feel I'm more relaxed and I love this privacy with my children and husband that I can't have during the week.
I've thought about asking her to live-out but it would mean additional $$ to spend and we can't really afford it...
I feel I just need more PRIVACY and more space for us without her...
For example, during CNY my husband was away, so I was alone with the children. I was really fine about it and even looking forward to it.
Well, on the 1st day off she started to prepare our breakfast, "to make sure we were ok" as she said, but I felt it was too much, I just wanted to be alone with my kids and organise our day without her being around to assist me all the time.
Does anyone feel the same ?
I told her it was public holidays for her and she had to go to see her friends and enjoy her day. She left relunctanly but at last we were alone !
I told my husband about it and he can understand what I can feel.
I just would like to get some advice on how to handle this better...
Thank you
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FKKC
17 yrs ago
If you feel so unhappy, why don't you give up your part-time job and be a full-time mother provided it does not effect your financial situation.
That's what I did...I had a full-time job...and I haven't regretted it a bit.
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Hi Cara,
thanks very much for your message.
Yes I realize I'm jealous of her special relation with my children.
This morning my elder kid told me "we have 2 mums, you and her but the difference is that you love me and she only loves my little brother, not me".
That's why I felt I had to come to share my feelings on the forum. I feel really twisted between two feelings : she's doing a great job BUT I feel it's too much because I'm jealous someone else can make my children as happy as I can do.
As for my job, I like it very much and would never consider to stop it, especially with the crisis around us. We need that money too.
Also, when I come back home, I often feel tired and even if I'm very happy to see my children, I don't feel to start to play cars or pirates with them... Whereas she has no problem to do it !
Oh well, I just feel really overwhelmed.
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cd
17 yrs ago
To veryhappy2009,
I'm with you on this one. I would hate to hear my kids tell my helper they love him or her when we had a female helper. I too look forward to PH 's etc when my helpers not there, although we've been lucky and have always had very inobtrusive helpers. But I've always made sure they've had as little input with the kids as possible.
Don't know what to suggest, maybe give her more time off, saturdays and sundays so you get more family time.
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Yes, actually I can really understand your feelings. My 2 boys like my helper a lot but they don't tell her they love her, kiss her, cuddle her etc. There is some separation between helper and family. I have found the following very helpful:
- I have asked my DH to stay out for 24 hours on her rest days, stat. hols and annual leave days. She actually has a sister (non-DH) whose flat she stays in over night (so she was thrilled when I suggested this!), but your helper could go to a boarding house as long as you pay for it.
- Give your helper extra time off where you can. E.g. extra days off when you don't need her, make her rest day a bit longer by letting her go on Sat afternoon & come back Sun night / Mon morn.
- Give her an afternoon off during the week and ask/enourage her to spend it outside of the flat. Make sure she has plenty of attractive options away from work, get her a library card and then she can go borrow a book, sign her up for a YWCA course, tell her how important fresh air & exercise are & point out the nearest park/public swimming pool, send her off to do her personal shopping etc etc.
- If your DH keeps 'helping' you with the kids when you'd like to be the one to do things for them, as well as explaining this to her, also provide some alteratives as many helpers get anxious when they have nothing to do and that's when they start to interfere. Give her a list of jobs which she can turn to when she has finished her normal duties, things like mending clothes, cleaning the toys, or polishing your rosewood furniture. Also give her some hobbies - I gave mine a cross-stitch kit. Jigsaws, crosswords, knitting/crocheting are also good options. If she is particularly devoted to your kids you could ask her to hand-knit them a sweater each every year, that will keep her busy!
Possibly, if the above is not yielding enough results, have a little chat with her: tell her that you appreciate her so much but now you'd like a bit more private family time.
If all the above fail, and you really don't want to replace her -
at the times of day when you don't need her, send her out grocery shopping / running errands / washing the car!
But a good helper will know when to give the family some private time.
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Snowrose, cara, cd, fkkc, thanks a lot to all of you for your messages.
I feel better to see that other mums can understand me.
I appreciate the list of things I can use to get her a bit away. I'll definitively try some of them that I haven't thought about.
I think the easiest one is to give her Saturday off so we can be together for the whole week end. Also one thing that I like is to see some mess around, I feel the house is alive whereas when it's constantly tidy up, it's not cosy.
It's just I would like her to understand that I want her out of the house, not staying in her room as the children would definitively go to see her...
But I also want to be nice to her and not make her feel I put her out of the house... Luckily enough she has some relatives who are also DH and sometimes they even have dinner together during the week as she lives across the street.
In the morning my children are the first to get up and they come to see me and their first question is "is she working today ?" and when I say yes, they rush to the kitchen to get their breakfast. Of course I could get up and organise it myself but I'm just so sleepy !
I feel it's like a race, the first one will be the one having the privilege to deal with the kids !!!
She is really attached to them so she's very happy when she seems them in the morning. She's also always in a good mood and has sweet words for them.
I feel very lucky to have her of course but sometimes she's just too close to them.
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If you can create a more appropriate distance between helper & family using the above methods & any others you've thought of yourself I am sure the children will stop asking you that in the mornings within a month or two.
In the meantime, when they ask you could just not answer the question and ask something else like 'what is the weather today? Who can look and tell me?" or keep a children's book in your room & then when the kiddies burst in you can invite them to snuggle up for a story.
Re. not making your helper feel like you're 'kicking her out of the house for a while' - try using these justifications:
I always make sure I clearly explain the importance of rest time (which I do believe in). If the helper is too tired it is not kind to her, and besides she might have an accident (like burning herself accidentally when cooking or ironing) or she might get sick.
I also believe a helper needs a 'mental break' from the work environment so that she comes to work feeling 'fresh' in her mind. No matter how much she loves the kids, she needs a break from them sometimes.
For rest days and annual leave days etc. I reminded my helper that she is supposed to take off no less than 24 hours as it is a legal requirement.
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My kids love my wife, me, the dog, the helper, grandma x2, grandpa. They are way to young to really grasp why family is different from helper. My wife and I know that even if they love the helper, we are their parents. That's all there is to it. It warms my heart when they give our helper a big hug and a kiss or when they miss her on Sundays. Their love is innocent and unconditional and we want them to be generous with it.
"I would just like to make sure there is a "line" between our family and her."
This is very adult thinking. Your kids are way too young to understand why she is different. On the bright side, by the time they are old enough to get it they will probably create the demarcation in their heads automatically.
Think of "the days of yore", when the hunter-gatherers lived in tribes in the wilds. The whole tribe would chip in with child care. Family lines were often less definite than they are now. This whole "nuclear family" concept is actually very modern. Five hundred years ago you would have your extended family in the house, with grandma taking care of children while mommy was out toiling in the fields.
"I feel it's like a race, the first one will be the one having the privilege to deal with the kids !!!"
It is not a race. You have to stop thinking of it that way. Love cannot be quantified in this manner, especially not by children. They DO understand the difference between you and your helper. They DO NOT understand why they shouldn't love her as much as they love you.
"Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by her presence and her importance in our life. She knows everything that is going on in the house and it's like having no privacy"
This is one of the facts of life of having a helper. Definite decrease in privacy. It comes with the territory.
On the other hand, our helper is happy for our little domestic triumphs just like we are. When we finally dress up and go out to a nice party (far too seldom) she is almost more excited than we are, fussing over my wife's hair and clothes. Conversely, we get to hear about how her kids are doing in school, when they have been naughty and when they have been nice. I know this kind of thing is not for everyone, but with a person like her sharing the joys of everyday life is a nice thing.
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FKKC
17 yrs ago
Nobody can take the place of a mother in a child's heart. Please don't worry and trust in the mystic ways of human nature. You should be glad to have a jewel of a helper working for you and making your daily life easier. Can you imagine without her around and with you working, your household will turn up-side down.
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veryhappy, perhaps I may share my experience to help you see a different perspective. I have a 2 yr old who grew very close to my helper since newborn. For personal reasons, this helper has left us a mth ago & in between this time, I've had 2 different helpers. Let me tell you, if I had a choice, I would take my orig helper back at a heartbeat. She cared for & treated my son as if he was her own & took very good care of our house despite the limited time available whilst child-mining. I have only come to this great appreciation as to how things just "ran itself" without much effort on my part, now that I have to teach it all to my new helpers.
Granted there is a lot of good helpers out there but finding one that matched all your needs & priorities is no simple task. You may also find that helpers are reluctant to work with toddlers alone if given a choice. Be prepared to be heavily involved if you decide to change helpers. For me, I say you should feel very lucky to have such a wonderful helper.
I also agree with xpatguy & cara that young kids' love is innocent & unconditional and that they know you are their mother and nothing can change that. My little boy spends a lot of time alone with the helper but runs to me & hubby when we get home from work. After 6pm, our helper knows it's "our time" and we ensure we have good quality 1-on-1 time with our son (admittedly sometimes tiring after a full day's work).
What did work well for us is that she lived out Sat nite until Mon morning. For an extra HKD1,500, it was important for us to have the entire weekend with our son. This however is also a commitment on your part as you will NEVER get to sleep in, you will NEVER get to have sat dinners out with your friends without bringing your kids & weekends will NOT be your rest time.
Guess what I am trying to sat is if I had such a caring & intelligent helper who takes so much pride in her work as you have described, and someone who I can feel completely safe with my kids, I would not change her. What I would change is try to make mommy-time more fun. I am not saying you are not spending enough time with your kids & I hope you don't take it that way. For us, TV off is a must during mommy & daddy time, try some silly games, hide-&-seek, story time, hugs & tickles, & even eskimo kisses! Good luck, try not to think too much & have fun!
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it seems that the only real problem here is a bit jealousy and guilt about not being able to spend more time with your kids.
we were away for three weeks, and though my baby had a great time during the day, in the evening he wanted to ocme home and wanted his 'tita' as he calls our helper. im not at all jealous and quite happy that he trusts another person whom he knows will meet most of his needs .
your helper sounds ideal and i think you should be happy that you have some one so reliable and caring.
one of my friends was actually complaining that it takes 5 min to heat up baby's breakfast and helper wouldnt do it on her day off : didnt it mean that helper didnt care enough about baby? well it seems that either way is bad!
relax and take it easy. you have a job you love, two children you adore and i am sure that adore you back, and a reliable helper that sounds great.
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cd
17 yrs ago
I have always let my helpers have as little input with the kids as possible, one of the reasons being I don't want them to get attached. I've been very lucky and haven't 'worked' since having my kids so was able to be there for them, so the helper was just there for cleaning, and baby sitting. We've always told them that the kids are our responsibility, and if we are in the house then we deal with them, not the helper.I just would not feel comfortable with my child telling my helper they loved them, not that it has ever happened. They do like them, and enjoy playing games with them, but they don't particularly miss them when they leave, which is the way I like it.
The only thing I can suggest is that you tell your helper that when you and/or your husband is home she leaves you to do the childcare.
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FKKC
17 yrs ago
Yes, parents should always spend quality time with their children, especially before schooling. Time flies by very quickly and suddenly, you find that they are not that attach to you as they have other attractions and many friends to chose to play with. Cuddles, hugs and kisses at random which you have taken for granted before will be over as they will shy away because they are growing up and have their own minds to give or take............speaking from my own experience. Oh, my children do love me - a lot - but shown in a different way...no more huggings! I should have hug them & kiss them more when they were young & when they wanted it!!!
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Hi girls (and guy !), thanks SO MUCH for taking the time to help me. I really appreciate it.
After reading all the messages, I'm definitively more light-hearted and feel I shouldn't worry so much about my children being attached to her.
FKKC, your message is moving, I know time flies by so quickly and it's good to remember it !
I must say that my behaviour to her has changed a bit, I'm less nice to her. For example I didn't get her anything for Valentine's Day whereas the previous years the children were giving her flowers or small chocolates. And I must admit that it made me feel better not to give her anything. I must adjust my relation with her too, continue to make sure she's fine but not "over important" to us.
Today I sent her out to buy some food and while she was away I did pancakes with my children. It was really nice and I enjoyed to have the kitchen for ourselves, without having someone cleaning after us right away. The children wanted to put aside 2 pancakes for her and they were very proud to give them to her when she was back. And that was fine for me.
During the summer holidays we used to take her back to Europe with us for 2 months but this year will be the 1st time we won't take her (as we are only going back for 1 month and won't need her help so much now that the kids are older). I'm really looking forward this. I expect they'll ask for her but they'll be with their grand parents and I hope they'll be happy there without her around.
I think the best solution is to take her live-out but we just can't afford it now...
Reading all your messages has given me more confidence that I can handle it better. And I feel better also that feeling a bit of jealousy or guilt is normal...
Thank you again for all of you.
Cheers.
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"I think the best solution is to take her live-out but we just can't afford it now..."
Also it's illegal.
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I dont understand why we, as employers (and I am generalising here) are often afraid to say to our helpers, I dont like this and I want it to change.
We have recently employed our helper and from the outset I said to her, your job is mainly the house, mine is mainly the kids - I am not working.
She started when my 6 year old was still off school and we had just delivered our second child, so my 6 year old got very attached quickly and loves to play with our helper and that is great. But now the 6 year old is back at school and by the time she gets home, does homework, if she then plays with the helper I dont get to spend any time with her. And it is hard when my daughter says - but mummy I dont want to play with you.
So we have said you can have some time to play on a Saturday afternoon and during the week you spend time with mummy or daddy. My daughter still asks to play but I just stick to this rule. And I have said this in front of our helper and explained why so she understands too.
I think you just need to reset the boundaries for your helper and explain to her that with you working parttime you dont get to see the kids alot and you need one on one time with them. Then you have to make an effort to play with them or get up early to do the breakfast time etc (I too find the 200th game of uno not that exciting).
I also find reasons for the helper to leave the house a bit on a Saturday - oops I went shopping but forgot to get milk, or can you go to the post office and pick up this form etc.
On the I love the helper - kids love everyone and dont differentiate in that love between parents, friends and even the guy who opens the door. Basically everyone is there to be loved. It is a statement but the fact is that you are consistent presence in their lives, the one who gets up in the night to calm them etc and you just have to think to yourself they are saying this but it isnt the same.
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"I dont understand why we, as employers (and I am generalising here) are often afraid to say to our helpers, I dont like this and I want it to change."
Very true. Feedback and directions given with respect should never be an issue. Figure out what you want and why, then sit down with the helper and explain it.
I think a lot of "helper problems" would be solved if there was better communication both ways.
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(Sorry I only read a few of your posts, no time to read all the replies)
You have no idea how LUCKY you are to have SUCH a great helper. My friends would give anything to trade for your helper with their "non helping " ones !
Children NEVER forgets who their mother is, my kids love my helpers, and they do verbalize it, and I teach 6 days a week.... but I ensure that I spend lots of quality time with them, especially on vacations too....my kids know I am their mom, and they always attach to me when I am home.
You are very lucky.
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Get worry when you boy gets older ... I just saw a tall boy (guess about 14 or 15) hugging his helper (female of course) at the bus stop waiting for the school bus .... mmmmm .....
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FKKC
17 yrs ago
It's insane but here's another version..........the baby takes to the helper because secretly she caresses the baby's private part to win his/her heart to secure her job.
That is why we as parents should always try to be around our children to protect them...even if unusual events do not always occur. Prevention is better than cure.
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"It's insane but here's another version..........the baby takes to the helper because secretly she caresses the baby's private part to win his/her heart to secure her job.
That is why we as parents should always try to be around our children to protect them...even if unusual events do not always occur. Prevention is better than cure."
I guess it could happen but how likely is it really? Besides this thread is not really about that.
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I agree, let's not go down that direction, another beginning to "bash helpers" thread?
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yes this thread is taking a strange note and i dont think that it is the norm at all for helpers to be caressing the baby inorder to gain their love.
I just dont see why we shouldnt encourage our children to like the helpers anyways. It should teach them all about the dignity of labour and that all people deserve appreciation and respect.
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cd
17 yrs ago
but theres a difference between liking and respecting the helper, and loving them and treating them like a parent/granny etc. we try with the first, but would not be happy with the 2nd.
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"but theres a difference between liking and respecting the helper, and loving them and treating them like a parent/granny etc. we try with the first, but would not be happy with the 2nd."
In my opinion there is no reason for the kids not to treat them like a granny or auntie. In any case young children probably aren't capable of making the distinction.
As cara says, kids should not be taught to ration love.
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i agree one should treat helpers with respect but is'nt there a risk in getting too close to them and then when things go sour how do you explain that to kids?I think there should be a distance as it is easier being cordial and pleasant and ofcourse treat them fairly ,than if you get too close then you can never turn that around.It's better to go slow and get to know them better before you become an open book.
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cara nails it. Asking a young child to make these distinctions only makes them confused.
"It's better to go slow and get to know them better before you become an open book."
True for adults. But children don't work that way.
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smsm
17 yrs ago
My helper came back from month long leave last sat and my 2 girls - 4.5 n 2 yrs were overthrilled...i thought my younger one would have forgotten her but the moment she saw her she took her name and both of them just didnt let me do anything for them that day. They wanted my helper to feed them, play with them everything. And I was ok with it....that was there way of tellng her that they missed her..They have a diff place for her, they love her and I know that that place is diff from mine!!
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cara and axptguy have pretty much hit this spot on.
You know we hear so much in these forums about helpers who don't play with kids, or the kids don't like the helper, etc. You have the opposite, kids who love the helper and vice versa - this is so important. They are happy around her and what a bonus that is. Kids understand who their parents are but they have a love towards those who are close to them who they trust - a look at 3 or 4 generations sharing an apartment in a public housing estate here can tell you that.
Rather than focus on the relationship between your helper and your kids you should be focusing on your own relationship with the kids. This is what is important. Their relationship with her is different to their relationship to you. Make the most of those differences - at the moment your so focused on your feelings of guilt for working added to the jealousy you feel towards your helper that you are not making the most of being a mother.
Your kids are happy and you have given them that. If you were to change helper now you'd be sacrificing your kids happiness to feel better yourself - and that is not what being a parent is all about.
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Dear all,
Thanks for all these messages, they were VERY helpful for me... even if some of them were a bit "too much"....
Anyway, it made me realize a few things and concentrate on what is important.
I feel things are getting better, I feel more relaxed and not so angry inside me. I've understood I have to accept their attachment and be happy their get so much attention and love.
Thanks again for taking some time to give me your viewpoint.
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