How to tell a friend to back-off?

My daughter is bestfriends with another girl in the same class as her. They are both 6.


Both her bestfriend's mother and I started to organise playdates for our kids outside school so the kids could see each other more.


Both her bestfriend's mother and I have differing parenting styles. She considers mine as too relaxed and in the same way, I feel she is too strict.


The problem is the mother takes it upon herself to scold my daughter even in front of me. Most times she would tell her daughter that she is better than mine. It gets to a point where even with the school report card, her daughter would run to my daughter and say, "I got more As than you".

When a fight breaks out between the kids and my daughter is accused, her mother would scold my daughter - even without witnessing what happened. My daughter apologises but sometimes cries and would say, "Mummy, I didn't". This happens almost on a weekly basis.


I do not feel that I don't discipline my daughter because I do except I don't spank and I do allow her to be a kid (run around and play silly) in a safe environment. Plus almost all the time my friend's mother would scold my daughter before I even have a chance to talk to the kids or to my daughter.


How do I tell her mother to back-off and let me handle my own kid (IF she is in the wrong) without it affecting our friendship and the kids' friendship?


This doesn't happen with my daughter and our other friends. Just this particular one.


Usually with other friends, the kids play well together and there is no hostility.


Any advice?


I remember in the past, when a fight broke out, my parents spanked both my sister and I if we fought. They wouldn't take sides because they didn't see what happened.

Wow..I am thinking from your daughter's point of view... Here she is playing with her friend and after some mischief, which she may or may not be at fault, her friend's mother scolds her time and again, and her own mother just allows it too happen? I have a 7 yr old daughter and believe me more than her Friend's mother scolding her, what will hurt her most is her own mother not standing up for her. Both the girls are young and they are bound to some mischief..Have you just tried to tell the other mother to back off? Instead of the blame game.. you could just tell her.. that you know your daughter and if there is an issue of disciplining you know how to do it. If she has any grievances with your daughter, she could bring them to you and you have your own style which is different from hers. Try saying this with a smile..

What may also be the case that she may think that you are too lenient a mom and would have decided to take it upon herself to discipline your daughter... Regarding the A's kids always tend to compare..but its upto you as a mother to build the self esteem in your daughter and too support her. So my question to you is what is more important..play dates with this friend, or your daughter's happiness and self esteem?

Like I said, You could tell her to back off and if she doesn't ..well its your choice.

Gandhi once said that 'a person who lets injustice to happen to him is more at fault than the person who is doing the injustice'...

Well these are my 2 cents...,

Cara, I agree that with close friends, I don't mind if they speak to my child if my child was doing the wrong thing. However, it also depends on the situation as well, whether or not your child is really doing the wrong thing.


This friend of mine, unfortunately scolds my daughter on EVERY occasion when there is a fight or a misunderstanding.


RA, thank you also for your input. I've never been the kind of person that stands up for myself as well, maybe that is why the mother felt she could say anything in front of me.... so I think I have a lot to learn from the quote you've written.


Your quote that my daughter may feel hurt that I am not sticking up for her - this comment is what really does it for me. I think I shouldn't have allowed it to happen so often. The next time it does, I will just say, "Let's not take sides because we did not see what happened".


Thank you both.

It doesn't sound that this is a very good friend for your daughter, Definitely say something to the mother, like RA says, your daughter will feel awful if you never stick up for her, especially if she's not in the wrong. It doesn't sound like she is particularly a strict mother, in fact its sounds like her daughter rarely gets told off or disciplined as she can do no wrong in her mothers eyes, if she always scolds the other child without knowing the facts.I would slowly back off the friendship for both you and your daughter. I'm sure she has plenty of other friends to play with that she does not fight with every time they meet. Try and be brave and speak to her though, and see if there is any change in her behaviour.

May I ask what nationality is your friend? Maybe it is a matter of culture.....

I don't understand. Can you elaborate?

If your friendship is important to you and your daughter, I think you definitely need to broach the subject if and when it happens again. If something does occur and your friend scolds your daughter, then perhaps you need to take your friend aside (never talk about it in front of the children I say) and tell her that you find it uncomfortable when she scolds your daughter and that if she feels the children are being naughty or whatever, then she is to come to you first and then you will deal with your daughter separately.


If she is a friend she will respect that you can be open enough to talk about it. However, it does sound like she is one of these controlling, domineering people who thinks she is right all the time. It's a fine line to tread unfortunately.


As cd said, try to slowly back off the friendship. I had a similar problem with my child. A friend could see no wrong her daughter who I thought was clearly a spoilt brat. My friend NEVER reprimanded this child when they were both playing up and my child ended up being punished. So I did just as cd said and started backing away and encouraging my daughter to make new friendships (without obviously saying anything untoward about the other child) and I'm glad I did because now my child has much nicer friendships.


Your priority is your child and if she is getting upset about the friendship and always being in the wrong, then it's not much of a friendship. Start have playdates with other kids and parents and if your friend keeps wanting to get together then if you don't feel comfortable in saying you dont' want to meet up anymore, then just say you are busy.


Good Luck

I don't think nationality has anything to do here, but character. I'm part of a group with a lot of mums from different countries, from Europe, USA, Australia, Asia, and we all have different way to raise up our kids. Still we would never dare to comment on any of the kids behaviour, because we think they have to deal with some things themselves, and to learn about defending themselves to get self confidence, but also because none of us would think she is a better mum than the other one !

Is she like that only with you and your daughter, or with other mums too ?


Good luck, and just do what you think is necessary to feel better.

Gemma -

Why are you still friends with this woman!! I understand you may like her in every other respect, but this is important! As previously pointed out, how does it make your daughter feel when you don't stick up for her when she's been unfairly treated?! My opinion is that being fair to your daughter comes first and the friendship of the other mum comes second. If I were you I would intervene when the next incident arises and then make yourself clear "Please don't tell my daughter off. I don't think you saw what happened. And if my daughter ever is in the wrong, please let me know and I would like to be the one to deal with it." Big smile, polite but firm tone, and if she's a good friend she'll not do it again & will still be your friend. And if not, look for a new (nicer) friend!

Gemma,I can only imagine what you're going through.... I am also a mom of a young boy,although he hasn't started going to school (he's barely 2 yrs old),I understand that this situation must bother you a lot.

Maybe you are not a confrontational kind of person,I am not as well.But if something like this happens to me in the future,I would probably end up just distancing myself from the friendship.

Im sure your "friend" will get the hint when she continues to give invites for playdates and you keep saying your busy or has other plans.

I believe it would be better for you and your child to cultivate other friendships that wont leave you both upset!