Posted by
belize
17 yrs ago
I know it's a stupid question. but for work reasons, we are not living in the same city. I am based in shanghai and he is in hk. he travels to south east countries i.e. thailand, etc. he is a lovable and caring person, good to me, my family and my friends. when we are together, we have quality times. we cant see each every month, but he makes sure that we get together at least once a quarter. we talk about our future as well, i.e. where is the most ideal place for us to settle down, but right now, we should focus on our job while we are still young. we are together for more than 2 years now...
i recently found out he goes to paid sex while we are not together. i was shocked at first, but when i calm down, i ask myself, wouldn't that be better than if he has a mistress? at least, this is purely commercial, and his hasn't got any emotional attachment to it. after all, i am not always around, and man does have the physical need, right?
that said, i am still confused... does this count as cheating? will he still do it even if we are together? is this thing addictive? shall i ditch him or confront him? i do love him and i believe he loves me too. what shall i do? i appreciate any constructive comment and advice... thanks.
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While in no way condoning or condemning whatever actions are occurring in this particular case I will say that: In GENERAL, men have no huge issue "relieving a physical need" without forming an attachment to the one they are having sex with.
"does this count as cheating?"
That depends entirely on what both of you think. In your typical (whatever that means) western style relationship it would count as cheating. But what is important is that whatever you decide works for you two.
"will he still do it even if we are together? "
That depends on how he feels, and if you let him.
"is this thing addictive?"
It is to some men. If it is to your boyfriend I don't know. You'd better ask.
"shall i ditch him or confront him?" "what shall i do?"
You should at least talk to him about it. Clear communication resolves a lot of problems.
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I wanted to add that if you do decide that he should keep paying for sex, he should ALWAYS wear protection. That one should be non-negotiable.
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RA
17 yrs ago
Belize..since you too are also without sex for the same duration... will it be acceptable to him if you did the same? Did he inform you or ask for your permission before sleeping around? Men do not have to 'relieve their physical pain' ..you are just trying to find an excuse for his actions. All relations are built on trust and it all depends on you.. how far you would like to take your current relationship.
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ok. i understand the whole issue is totally dependent on how i feel about it. i am not trying to look for excuses - under NORMAL circumstance, i consider this as cheating and will NOT accept it. i am just trying to look at this from a more OBJECTIVE angle - the fact that we don't live in the same city, and the fact that men & women do have different physical structure hence different needs (this was confirmed by a female doctor of mine from an unbiased stance).
i am more concerned with the question "is this thing additive"? as i need to know for future reference. can i have an honest answer like "in general or on average, it is additive to most men"... this will affect my decision as to how to deal with it.
i am still debating whether i should confront him (which may lead to breaking up), or just break up with him without explaining, or talk to him and try to resolve the issue. but i need to sort myself out first, that's why i m here for some 3rd party advice.
xptguy, i am sure he is fully aware of the risks judging from his day to day habits and he will use protection.
RA/iwilltry, that's one of the questions i will ask him if i talk to him. however, it's always easier said than done, especially if didn't the real experience yourself.
dada, i am not sure how those massage places operate, obviously they have all sorts of services... but if it's simply just hand job, cant men just do it themselves? excuse me for my ignorance.
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mtbeauty, i found out. i dont know what i ll do yet, whether to leave him or to confront him, both lead to the same result: breakup. the other option is to talk to him, telling him that i will not accept it and i am not happy. i believe he doesn't have a mistress, just the paid sex. you brought up a good question, how do you (i.e. us girls) ask the b/f for a STD free certificate before going itimate wih them? i found that quite a difficult questions to ask...
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Right is right and wrong is wrong. Get rid of the bastard.
If not, best you stock up on the AIDS medication. It's only a matter of time.
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ajayazad, that's a good one liner answer i want to know. thanks.
jardine johnnie, i feel sorry for those wives (for myself too) that in general/on average, most men do that. how sad...
drm888, i will get rid of him, but haven't decided how. (still have time as we dont live in the same city)...just ditch him without explanation, or get confrontational? it leads to the same result, less said is better? any suggestions?
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There is only one way to get rid of him. Explain to him that his behaviour is completely incompatable with a normal relationships and that is it over.
Do it soon, do it quickly and do it decisively. Do not turn back and explain to him that it is final. Know it in your own head and heart first.
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thank you cara and drm888. really appreciate it...
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paid sex, not acceptable!!!
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