Posted by
Babeez
17 yrs ago
Hi all,
I was just wondering if anyone out there could help me deal with this situation or tell me what they would do?
I am very close wo my parents (my mother, especially so) and after the birth of our daughter last year, they have been great, they love her tremendously and in their eyes, she can do no wrong.
My husband and i then had baby number 2 at the beginning of this year (1 year age-gap) and we had a boy. However, my parents have always had a preference for girls and take little interest in him. They don't ask about him or even mention him but always call to check on our daughter and want to meet her but have said they find it very stressful when i bring both kids (meaning they would prefer that i left my son with the helper who is newly-hired).
I feel very emotional about this and i have brought my son along to meet my parents a few times but they just call him 'difficult'. He is only 3 months-old and i was happy to leave him at home a little more when he was younger as i was taking my daughter out and helping her learn to walk but now he is more alert and spends more time awake, i want to bring them both out whenever i am out. I will still do this whether my parents like it or not but i dislike comments they make and the obvious lack of affection they have for him. I have dropped hints for them not to do this but they have told me that they feel a special bond with my daughter that they don't feel with my son and they don't even try to hide that fact. It is starting to make me feel a bit resentful towards my parents as i love both my children dearly and feel that it is very unfair to him. I don't want to lose the relationship i have with my parents but at the same time, feel i have to fight for every inch of love for my son. What would you do?
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Clear communication is key. Let them know in no uncertain terms how you feel. If their feelings are hurt, so be it. They are the ones acting unfairly. The least they could do is "fake it" with your son.
Nothing will happen unless you clearly tell them how you feel. The fact that you are hurt.
Worst case, you can threaten not to let them visit if they don't at least try to treat your children equally. In the end, you chose your family, not your parents. If they can't act like adults, you should not treat them as such.
"I have dropped hints for them not to do this but they have told me that they feel a special bond with my daughter that they don't feel with my son and they don't even try to hide that fact."
Quite frankly that's pretty mean to your son (and to you).
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Z
17 yrs ago
You can also point out that they will never be able to establish a bond with your son if they don't spend any time with him.
In addition to explicitly telling them that their behavior is unacceptable, you will need to back it up with actions. For example, if you are visiting them and they complain that it is too stressful to have the baby there, you just reply, "so sorry ma & pa, we'll get out of your way now," and pack up both of the kids and leave. When they give the elder kid an extravagant present for Christmas or Chinese New Year and not so much as a card for the younger one, you return the present and tell them that you are very sorry, but you are not willing to set your kids up to be adversaries. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.
This must be incredibly stressful for you. Try to think of it as good practice for dealing with a two year old [same theory - set boundary, don't negotiate].
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there must be more to this in addition to your parents preference for girls. situation just sounds out of control. you need to talk to your parents to get to the core issue. if they an't see sense then its best not to see them anymore. its their problem.
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Very difficult situation and I feel for you.
Could it be that your parents feel that they have bonded with your daughter because she is older and therefore more interactive? Little babies don't give much back until they are older and they generally cry a bit (which is normal) so that may be why your parents think he is difficult rather than quite normal. Agree with the above to stress that they won't develop a bond with him unless they spend more time with him - he has only been around such a short time after all! Not seeing them at all may not be a realistic approach but you can certainly stress that visits will be on your terms - both kids or no kids.
Good luck
SB2
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I don't think I would stop seeing my parents because of it.
Maybe your parents haven't had time to bond with your son. After all, he is only 3 months old. Maybe you could leave him with your parents more, without his sister to see if they could bond with him that way.
Tell them also that their actions are hurting you.
It could also be because they are trying NOT to go with the majority where boys are favoured over girls. Maybe (only a possibility, okay) they feel that you or your spouse may favour a boy more. I for one know that if my next child is a boy, my husband's family will favour him more than our daughter and as a result, I MAY indirectly pay more attention to our daughter so that she's not left out.
At least they are your parents and you can talk openly with them. Sadly in my case, they are "inlaws" and they are already favouritising my nephew over my daughter.
Talk to them.
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"At least they are your parents and you can talk openly with them. Sadly in my case, they are "inlaws" and they are already favouritising my nephew over my daughter."
Actually this is not necessarily the case. I can talk much more openly and frankly with my in-laws than with my parents. It's all about family dynamics.
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Yes, I agree that such behaviour should not be tolerated but surely advising the OP not not see her parents again would do more damage to the relationship than good?
Just my thoughts....the OP has a good relationship with her mother so surely the OP should be able to talk to her mother or print out articles about the damage favouritism could do to a child?
I'm just sensing that grandparents, however difficult, wouldn't be so unreasonable to this extent?
Now if it was a boy that they were favouritising.... we could blame on the "old times" and can somewhat understand (but disagree strongly with)........ but is it really hopeless that the OP has to stop contacting them?
It may come to that but surely with the love between them that she's mentioned, it won't, right?
Don't get me wrong, favouritism is awful and I've experienced it and hated it but don't punish them yet, teach them and educate them so they know it is wrong.
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Thank you to all who replied and gave me their advice and thoughts. I will try to talk to them if i do not find the situation improving. Ihave brought it up before and my mum said that it was not up to her how she felt. She told me she had felt a special connection to my daughter even during my pregnancy but felt nothing in my second pregnancy. At that time, it was already stressful being pregnant whilst looking after my daughter but when they found out i was carrying a boy, they lost interest. They had both told me in my first trimester that they hoped it would be a girl. Upon realising it was a boy, they kept telling my daughter she would be loved and not be forgotten and that no-one could ever replace her (as if i was going to!). My mother was born into a family that disregarded girls and my father has always just had a preference for girls and that was obvious even when my brother and i were growing up. I don't want to lose contact with my parents as i love them dearly and i want my children to have family in HK and hopefully, having a heart-to-heart with them can turn things around. It just hurts to see my son so young and so innocent having such resentment towards him from two people i love so dearly.
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Imagine the impact of this obviously bias treatment on the siblings when they both become aware to the dynamics that are in place! Gosh! The issues that will arise within your family circle on a day to day basis from the selfish act of very irrational grandparents. I'd walk away from exposing my kids to such a situation on a regular basis. It's alright for now as you are the only one who is hurt but surely, they'll be more than one party in the future.
It's hard to walk away from our parents/grandparents but sometimes it's such a necessary evil. Don't cut all ties, just some... visit without the grandkids is surely a way for now... They'll come around to their senses when they see how serious you are. Grandparents always more often than not do.
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"Ihave brought it up before and my mum said that it was not up to her how she felt."
That sounds like a total cop-out. If she really can't conjure up any real feelings she needs to suck it up and fake it. For your sake and the sake of your children.
Saying such things is disgraceful.
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Z
17 yrs ago
Plus, her actions ARE up to her. We learn as children how to be polite [most of us] even when we'd rather not be, it isn't unreasonable to expect adults to be in control of their words and actions. Tell them that you don't give a flying fish how they feel, but it is important to you that they act in such a fashion that the children are unaware of their feelings. Those are the rules for interacting with your kids, full stop.
You don't need to cut off all contact with them. Just be sure that you don't put up with it for even a minute if you are visiting them and they pull this kind of stunt. Even if you just got there, pack up the kids and leave as soon as it starts. It's not likely to continue if they get the message that you are serious about it.
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This is the part that bothers me the most. My brother and i both grew up with our grandparents favouring a particular grandchild (not either of us), a fact that my mother hated. She grew up unwanted herself, so how could she not understand how unfair it is to treat my son the same way? It makes me so sad because my mother have always been so close that we are more like sisters but now i feel i have to choose between my son and my mother. I may sound naive, but why aren't we just all happy that we love each other as a family, are healthy and accept each other as we are? I don't understand why there has to be such negativity from my parents.
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'My mother was born into a family that disregarded girls and my father has always just had a preference for girls and that was obvious even when my brother and i were growing up.'
This is no excuse to be taking her past feelings of inadequacy out on your son. This is not just strange behaviour on their parts but could have damaging consequences; namely, your growing resentment, low self esteem for your son, your son potentially postulating an anti- female attitude when the time comes for him to have kids, sibling rivalry etc etc. I agree with many of the posters here. Personally, (and I'm expecting number. 2 as I write this) If either of my son's grandparent's showed such a drastic preference they will be told that they either suck it up, adjust their attitude or can consider themselves grandparents by name and not deed. You have to talk to them, firmly but reasonably, and you have to do it now, before it becomes your kid's problem as well as yours.
Out of curiosity, how does your partner respond to this behaviour?
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Thanks to everyone who replied. I finally had a heart-to-heart with my mum and she admitted that she does not feel the same for my son as she does for my daughter but promised she and my father would try their best to improve the situation and she told me that they would never be visibly unfair to him. They say their attitude towards him is starting to change as he is becoming more lively and as we went out today, i could see that they were putting alot more effort in, in terms of holding him and playing with him. I am hoping that as he grows and is able to interact more, their love for him will grow. If i sense negativity, i will make less contact as it really becomes a problem for all parties involved. My husband is very supportive of me and as much as he appreciates my parents helping, he doesn't ever want to feel that our son is left out. He can accept that they have a stronger bond with our daughter but won't accept that they be treated differently. Fingers crossed, hope all goes well and that we can revert back to having the love and care we shared for one another not so long ago.
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That sounds like a step in the right direction Babeez. Very pleased to hear.
SB2
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I kind of understand how you feel. My first child looks just like my in-laws (dark haired and olive skinned) and they say he is "one of them". If my no.2 comes out looking more like me with Irish skin and blue eyes then I am pretty sure they will not be as loving toward him.
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As axptguy said from the beginning, talk to them and tell them. This is a situation that should be dealt with sooner rather than later. If you don't do anything, it will just fester inside you and you will end up resenting them.
Your parents are being incredibly unfair and selfish. This is your family and if they can't accept both children, then they should get nothing. As your children grow older, your son will notice the favouritism.
Give them an ultimatum, treat them fairly and equally or they don't get to see the children at all. This is not about them, it's about your children and what is best for them.
If they can't accept that, then they are the ones who will ruin future relationships and they have to live with that. You have done your best.
Good Luck.
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