Posted by
jon_99
17 yrs ago
Ok, so here's the deal. Tried to give advice to my friend who is female. She took my advice well, but is still hesistant to FULLY follow. So, we agreed on going out to a wider audience to "roadtest" it and to give her as wide perspective as possible. So, thanks in advance for all of your comments and advice.
The gist of it is:-
- she is in a relationship at the moment, and really likes the guy. Not in love with him, but really digs him. She thinks it definitely can grow into something solid; she feels v v comfortable with him & the r'ship.
- she was brought up in a family situation where everyone was independent and everyone worked hard (for school or money or job). It was instilled in her that everyone (incl wife and husband) ought to carry their own weight in the r'ship. So, she's always dated guys who could pay their own way, not necessarily look after her, but at least pay their own way and carry their own.
- So far so good.
- problem is: her boy's current job does not pay well, and this position isnt going to change (at time soon or in the future). She seems to be carrying the financial burden (going out, holidays,..etc). Not that she is complaining mind you. Its just that she is in 2 minds abt whether this is gng to last long term, due to her "programmed" mind as a child. She's just not sure she cld marry someone who earns less than she is, or is less ambitious as she is.
- she knows that love, or whatever you call it, is important and should override + come before money..etc, but she just cant get over it..and this "issue".
WHAT TO DO?
Thanks in advance.
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since it is all in her head, if she her head around it and will never be able to accept he earns less - best to move on.
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key question: how long is she in this relationship already? 3 months, 1 year, 5 years?
if 3 months, then ride it out for a while, see whether love develops and then see whether that is strong enough to slowly change her mind where you throw all money into one big pot and pay everything from there, regardless where it comes from.
if 5 years, dump the guy and move on: she doesnt love him (after 5 years already!) and she still has an 'issue'.
thinking about it, if she is with the guy for anything longer than say 1 year, i would apply the 5-year-rule
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im in the same situation as your friend. i earn more than my partner. at first i was wary about whether he was just going out for me for money, but the more i got to know him, the more i realized he wasnt. paying for the holidays and footing the bill at the expensive restaurants is nothing because at the end of the day i would rather pay that and have his company, than pay half of it and spend time with someone who i have nothing in common with. When i sleep in late on the weekends and he makes me breakfast in bed, or cleaned the house for me... i know i'm happy.
For your friend though, if she cant get over it - she should be fair and let him go and find someone who will have no doubts about him at all.
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its really hard to tell what is your preference. however, its easy for a woman to want everything. sometimes you will confuse yourself too. I have read a book, it teaches me to list down all you want in piority. only 1 to 2 points that you cannot live without. thats will be your descision. like handsome, sense of humour, money, sporty, body shape, affectionate feelings etc. Remember, there's no perfect in the world and you may need to sacrifice something to get something.
Good luck and listen to your soul.
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if a man is earning more than the woman, it is expected. if the woman is earning more than man - never mind that she digs him - it is an issue. such double standards!
i would suggest for your friend to leave the man - he deserves someone better.
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MJ1
17 yrs ago
Stop being selfish, who cares if you earn more than him.
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She should leave him, if she has recognised this as a problem, and knows it shouldn't be - but yet it still is... well that isn't going to change. And she doesn't even love him... why not just walk away and save everyone a lot of wasted time.
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As a stay at home dad I have no problem with one person bearing the financial burden. But this is trickier early in the relationship. When we met, we were both working and in fact I made slightly more than she did. That soon changed.
Nevertheless, the fact that I made less, and now nothing, hasn't changed the fact that we both pull our weight. I may not bring in any money but neither do I sit around all day and laze on the sofa. I do chores, groceries, pick up and drop off kids, paperwork (banking etc), drill the odd hole in the wall, do most of the "essential" shopping.
The problem here is that your friend is not yet at this stage in the relationship. It's something that can be a big hurdle. Money IS important. However, if both parties can act maturely about the whole thing, it can work. If there is no clear communication, they're doomed.
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agree with hoyo on this, if it were a guy would there even be a question that he should support her, especially if he earns considerably more than her?
aren't these supposed to be enlightened times? if you're talking about equality between the sexes then what's the problem with the woman supporting the man if the love is there
everything comes with equality not just the good parts, isn't that how it's supposed to be?
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the fact that she thinks this "may" be an issue, is a very big issue in itself. she already, in a sense, disrespects him. she feels that everything should be at least 50/50. and it's not even that right now. obviously your friend sees $$ as a pretty important issue. and it is in relationships don't get me wrong.
love makes people do silly things. but it won't erase or take away "problems". i know from experience. you think things will change after marriage, but they usually don't. they only manifest into something more horrifying.
love is not enough to keep a relationship going. especially not marriage. since she's not that attached emotionally now, letting go early on, lessens the pain.
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problem is: her boy's current job does not pay well, and this position isnt going to change (at time soon or in the future)
she is basically supporting him, and he seems comfortable with that. is the bf doing something to alleviate his situation or trying to? if not, then it seems that he is depending on her .
how far is your friend willing to support your bf ?
if they get married, will she be happy to support the whole family and be the sole breadwinner? raising kids? provide for schooling?
love is all nice and warm but at the end of the day - it is a two way street. when one party is making the effort and the other isnt - there isnt any point to the relationship.
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I'll chime in with the "one pot" thing. It's really the only way for us and we've done it since way before we were married. Either you live together or not.
As cara says, as long as you get approval from the other party for major purchases, AND act like an adult (no you can't have anything you point at), you're ok. Outlook email options include approval buttons if you want to make it nice and "corporate". ;)
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just for my interest, what is a 'major' purchase for you?
just had a discussion with my wife last night as i made a donation. while she agreed to the donation and the party i donated to, she mentioned that i should discuss the amount with her beforehand next time. . .
so just wonder for what amounts other couples discuss first.
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"just for my interest, what is a 'major' purchase for you? "
Good point and I guess it depends on the couple. We have said that anything over HK$1000 needs to be pre-approved by the other party if it isn't something on-going like food. Of course this doesn't mean we then go out and buy lots of stuff for 950. ;)
Also, we try not to whine if the other person says no. Deep down the person who is denied knows that the other one is right. ;)
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