Self confidence in a 3 YO boy

My 3 year old has always been shy and cautious. I think this is part of his personality and I appreciate all the advantages this brings, like not having to worry that he will go off with strangers or fall into the swimming pool. However, like most parents, I would like my child to be carefree, confident and intellectually curious and would welcome any suggestions for how I, as a parent, can help to build my son’s sense of self confidence. I don’t want to change my son into somebody he isn’t, but I do want to do what I can to make sure that he has a good foundation of self worth.

The trick, I believe, is to push but not hard. That is, give your boy the option to do things but do not force him. Once in 20 or 50 times he will, on a whim, try something new. Make sure that time ends up being a positive experience.


Our girl is also very shy and cautious is certain respects. But it is passing. The trick, as mentioned, is not to force it. That leads to negative associations and will make him even more withdrawn.

When my 5 1/2 year old daughter was 3 years old, she was really shy, cautious and not outgoing. I made up a game called "strong". Everytime something scared her, I would say don't be afraid, be "strong", like daddy. I would then flex my muscles. She thought that was hillarious. Afterwards, when thing scared her, she would tell me "she is not afraid", she's "strong" and flexed her muscles. This worked 80% of the time and this game made her braver. Things also changed when she started school. She's still not the president of the social club, but she is vocal, confident and outgoing.

sometimes changing the subject and taking the attention off of the event and/or the child also works. children are naturally curious and they really want to try but just can't take that first step. And i've found with children who are withdrawn and shy, soemtimes they're so used to being asked and coaxed to do stuff, they expect it and it kinda turns in a game for them (perhaps not knowing it themselves); they like being asked and coaxed! try just leaving them alone after asking a few times and just let him/her watch, eventually, they'll let the situatioin and the fun get the better of them. especially when peers are involved.


mental preparation may also help. talk to them about what to expect and show them videos and books about it. so the situation is not so 'new' to them when they encounter it.


it's difficult i know, and u've got the right attitude in just accepting that's his personality. just take it as it comes and relax about it. i've seen parents push their child to try something despite the child screaming and crying bloody murder. hahaha. go

Thank you so much for your encouragement and thoughtful replies! I always learn so much from this forum, you guys are the best.


xpatguy, I did as you suggested this morning when I took my son for a bike ride. We have been struggling with even getting him ON the bike for weeks, so today, I told him that the security guard downstairs would really like to see him sitting on his bike. That's all he needs to do, just get on it. So we got in the lift, and he was all "no, no, no" but then just before we reached the ground floor, he got on the bike! Then he started walking around the car park on it and I told him that his balance was particularly good today (keeping it casual, trying not to praise too much as I am prone to do). He walked around for about 10 minutes then said he had had enough, so we went back upstairs. When we got home, he said he wanted to go again tomorrow. Yay!


Cara, my guy sounds very much like yours, which is funny because I always picture you to be an outgoing person who tries hard and is not afraid to try new things like me. Sometimes I look at my boy and think, "whose child are you?!" I guess he takes after my husband who is much cooler and quieter than me. I’ve tried asking my boy to try something once and sometimes he will open up to it but on others he just does not want to do it again, ever. What do you do with those situations? Do you leave it for a bit and try in a few weeks?


I am struggling with swimming too, and that's a hard one because it is so against instinct to hold your breath and put your face in the water. When I ask my son to try, he says to me "Why should I put my face in the water, mummy?" and I tell him, "Because that's how you learn to swim, and then you can be like a fish" Then of course he says, "But I don't like it, I don't want to be a fish." He loves the playing in the water, particularly when his friends are around, but he emphatically does not want to go down water slides like them, or dive for toys like them. I think you have done the right thing by working up his skills one by one, capping it off by enlisting the help of a water professional - my boy bucks up a lot more when other people ask him to do things. He definitely listens more to his teachers and his Socatots coach than he does to me.


Gotham – that is a really good idea! I am going to try that tomorrow 


Michelley, I’m not sure whether I coax too much. I try to get him to try in a happy, lighthearted way (“Hey, let’s go on the water slide!” even though I know he is terrified of it) but when he says no, I try not to make a big deal out of it (“Ok, maybe later then. Mummy thinks it looks so fun!” At the beginning of the summer, I coaxed him into trying it once but hasn’t been back on all summer. Each time we go swimming, I ask him if he wants to go a few times, and he always says “No”. Not much more I can do, I guess?

i totally dun think you're coaxing too much! i think u've got the right attitude, just keep it up.

Thanks everybody. It is reassuring to hear from parents with other cautious children. How do your children react around other people? For stranger, my little boy will stay VERY close and if they direct any questions at him, he will either not say anything or he will answer in such a shaky, teeny-tiny voice that I think the very effort will be too much for him. With his friends, he is usually fine but he will stay close to me if I pay too much attention to another child.

Our older is pretty much the same. But she is changing. As long as you don't make it too traumatic and self-confidence is built up, change will come. It just takes months and years.