Posted by
isonoawabi
17 yrs ago
I am supposed to be going to a friend's wedding party this weekend but my mum-in-law has passed away recently (3 days ago) and some people say I shouldn't go to the wedding - some bad luck or superstition. Some of my local acquaintances seem to make a big issue out of it. They say I shouldn't even give a present. My friend is Filipino Chinese. I believe his family, or at least some aunts of his, are conservative Chinese in a lot of ways. I have a few questions:
1. Should I not go?
2. If I shouldn't, how do I explain? Do I speak to my friend or ask another friend to relay the message? I'd replied earlier that I would be going to his wedding.
3. What should I do with the gift I've bought? Can I send it to his home or is it taboo?
4. If I send the gift through a friend, is it bad luck for the friend?
As my friend is half Filipino - anything similar in Filipino custom? I'm too shy to ask my friend or mutual friends. I don't even know if it is appropriate to bring up the topic of a bereavement in discussing a wedding party.
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Baru
17 yrs ago
Different people have different rules/customs. In general if you follow the Cantonese way, it's:
1. Don't go to other people's celebrations if someone in your family has passed away (or even enter other peoples houses) for at least 1 month (some people say 3 months) especially if the family in question is Cantonese as they will definitely not like it. Just tell your friend direct and they will fully understand.
2. Don't give lucky money/red packets (or presents) during the time of bereavement. If you've purchased something, then take it back to the shop to exchange something your yourself but if you can't do this then you'll just have to keep whatever you bought for yourself or keep it for someone else's wedding!
Again, believe in what you will...take care and I'm sorry for your loss!
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ah yes. for filipino chinese- the initial mourning period is 100 days (40 days for filipino custom), and you are not supposed to join in celebrations as you will supposedly pass on the bad luck . even though you do not believe it, at least respect their tradition.
if your friend is expecting you there, explain to him/her directly about your concerns and that out of respect you will decline going to the wedding. there's no need to play musical chairs ie tell a friend of a friend to tell your friend type of thing. even a phone call would do. im sure he would understand
however, if your friend is not concerned about it and insist on you going - then still respect the tradtion, attend but keep it a very very low key affair. just pop in, keep out of the festivities and keep it short and stay away from his chinese side of the family
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Baru
17 yrs ago
just don't go as others (guests) will point and stare whispering what is that person doing here...so just avoid going.
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Indeed locally it is 100 days. We had similar situation last year, friends were due round for Christmas dinner but the wife of the couple lost her grandfather / grandmother, can't remember which. Her and my wife both being local spoke and decided not to go ahead as they both respect this custom. My friend and I, both being western, were not worried but went with their wishes as they have a deep belief in this.
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MayC
17 yrs ago
Call your friend and ask him what he thinks.. ie. Whether you should go or not. I think in a traditional chinese family, you're not supposed to go.
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&&&
17 yrs ago
It's probably better to email or send a card, inside the card, in a separate piece of paper, you can repectfully ask the question showing your sensitivity and concern but still wanting to send your Best Wishes. I am sure this will make a nice impression while respecting customs.
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cd
17 yrs ago
I was talking about this with some chinese colleagues the other day, it seems so alien to the Western way of thinking. In tEurope, you would be round visiting your 'bereaved' friend, having them to you house, and generally showing them your support and that you'er there for them, whereas here it seems you cut them off from you just when they need you the most. Very strange.
But in this case, if the friend is close enough that you are going to their wedding, then surely you should just ask them.
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cd ... the taboo is not visiting the bereaved friend to provide support. rather it is taboo to join and participate in their festivities and happy occasion events like weddings, birthdays etc. as it is said that one will pass on the bad luck of their unhappy circumstance (i.e. in this case the loss of a family member) to the friend who is celebrating a joyous event.
i think initially sending a card or even an email to relay your regrets is very impersonal and rude specially for the email. just give him a call first to explain the circumstance. a card can be sent later on.
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"i think initially sending a card or even an email to relay your regrets is very impersonal and rude specially for the email. just give him a call first to explain the circumstance. a card can be sent later on."
I totally agree with you Wiz Bang.
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