Rebellious toddler...

Need help, please. My just turned 3 year old has always been very outspoken and has very advanced linguistic skills, reasoning skills and a stubborn streak.


recently, even in interviews for kindergarten she is deliberately doing the opposite of what she has been told.


how do you handle such a kid? going mad .... she seems to be completely opposite to what traditional schools in HK wish for, which is an obedient and order taking kid. She has many opinions about what she likes and dislikes... and a stubborn streak to match.

As cara says. Zero tolerance for rudeness. Consistency from all caregivers including helper (make a plan and stick to it, adjusting as necessary). PRAISE good behavior often and encourage it. Never allow the child to get what he/she wants in response to bad behavior. In other words, if she whines, do not give her what she asks. Force her to ask politely. Do listen to her and (within reason) allow her to have a say (so long as she says it politely).


Punish if needed, but never in anger. In other words never punish the child to make you feel better. Time outs are a good option. Never threaten a punishment if you won't carry it out. Kids see through that in no time. If you say "if you keep yelling we're not going to Ocean Park", and she keeps yelling, then you have to carry through. The corollary is that you can't threaten with things like "if you keep yelling we're not going on the plane to see grandma".


Try not to shout or get all excited. Be calm. If you yell and rant, she will too. If you want a quiet house, you must be quiet yourself.


Just like in cara's house, we do not allow words like "stupid". We also don't allow elbows on the table, slurping drinks or holding a fork like an icepick. Our kids (2 and 4) respond very well to this, and take pride in their good behavior.


Furthermore, candy and chocolate are only allowed on Saturdays. We found that otherwise the kids go on these sugar highs and don't eat their "real" food properly.


Importantly, let kids be kids. Let them run and yell at the playground. Let them build forts with the sofa cushions. Let them get all messy fingerpainting. If you let them "act out" with these things, they will understand that there is a time for "best behavior" and a time for play.


Make sure they help tidy up. Very very important. Don't go picking up after them the whole time. While it is too much to ask of a 2 year old to pick up EVERY toy, she should at least make an effort to help you. However by the time a child is 4, she is fully capable of making a space perfectly neat. This is also a way of slowing the pace before meals or bedtime. After a rowdy game, calmly pick up the things and move on. Note that there will be resistance to this from time to time. A good occasion to instill some discipline.


Try to praise more often than you criticize.


I often feel like an old fart when I see how many parents have children who run their lives. Good old fashioned manners and discipline (not physical, mind you) work wonders.


Before you ask: No, my kids are not little emotionless robots living a regimented life of drudgery. They play and laugh like any other child. I firmly believe that part of the reason they are happy is because they have structure and discipline. They know what is allowed and what is not. There is less uncertainty and they feel confident trying things out within a secure environment.

I forgot to mention patience. Be very patient. Everything takes time, from behavior changes to getting dressed. If you are calm and in good time, your child will tend to be calm(er).


Also, when your child is sick or tired, be even more patient. Kids don't "suck it up" nearly as well as their parents. Well, most parents. If you whine, they will whine. My wife constantly reminds me of this when I complain about something in front of the kids. ;)

thanks for the advice... my wife and i are trying now to apply more consistency and NOT negotiating on any orders we give. it seems to be working, as she used to try to play silly games to distract us or renegotiate what we are ordering.


we also are avoiding asking her questions like, "time for dinner, ok?", and replacing it with "It's time for dinner. And after that you will play games." trying also to reward, or remove rewards consistently...


... it's very tough though.. we have a few more kindergarten interviews next week and we really hope she can grow out of this phase asap....


from an early age, we suspect that she may be gifted, as she states she doesnt like younger children, and already is reading and talking like a five year old... she doesnt like doing exercise much, but prefers mental games.... she even asked if there were schools without playgrounds... (ha ha)...


we are trying to stay patient and we tried to explain to her why her behaviour is bad, but at some point we found this to be counterproductive, as she then uses this to bargain with us... i think we will just impose rules, first (reasonable ones of course)...



thanks for all the excellent advise so far