3yr old behaviour issues

My son is turning 3 and suddenly he has become disobedient and seems a bit out of control.


we have a naughty corner for him that used to work really well, but now even though we put him there, it seems like he is disobedient on purpose.


doesnt want to stay at table to finish meals, is crashing around with his bike or car and though he apologises and says he wont do it, he repeats the same thing again and again.


he was a really sweet baby. We sailed through the terribel twos without too much hassle. no idea what's happening now. is this normal testing the boundaries thing at 3 yrs of age or something else?


insights, suggestions on what to do are all welcome.


thanks!

This sounds pretty normal.


I have noticed that 3-year olds are much more "clever" than 2-year olds when it comes to disobedience. ;) Just punishing is not enough. You need to engage them in the process more.

- Kneel down so you are at their level and explain WHY they must do certain things. Then remind them if they are naughty.

- Warn him, then remove the car or other item. If he says he apologized say that is not enough since he didn't really mean it.

- Make sure he is not low on sugar. Make sure he drinks enough water. Make sure he pees regularly.

- Limit TV. For many kids this is important. We have noticed a very direct correlation between the amount bad behavior and the amount of TV.

- Make sure your kid gets responsibility. Encourage tidying up, taking plates off the table, setting the table, etc. Praise such behaviors but do not (yet) enforce them. Your child wants to be treated like a bigger kid, not a baby.

- Praise good behavior. Make sure you praise more often than you scold.

- Set goals and praise the child when he reaches them. Make sure you gently remind.

- Try not to nag.


Lastly: be very patient. ;)

One thing that helps with our 3yo [in addition to axpatguy's remarks, which are very very good] is just spending a little bit of extra time with her before she's had a chance to be naughty -- "hey, you're ready for school early today! Let's read your favorite book!" or after school going on a special errand and having a chat, or making pancakes together on a weekend morning...


We also let her know what her naughty behavior is teaching us "I'm learning that you are very naughty after you have eaten a chocolate cupcake... maybe we should wait until you are a bit older before we give you chocolate cupcakes."


But it is still easiest to reinforce good behavior than punish bad. At 3 they are still really interested in pleasing their beloved adults and easily motivated by hugs and kisses and "wow! you are a really big girl, aren't you?"


Oh, and we remove temptations to repeated bad behavior. For example, we would just put the bike and car away out of reach and out of sight. If our kids don't want to finish meals, no problem. Except that there is then nothing to eat until the next scheduled mealtime. Natural consequences.

Axpatguy: thank you for your very constructive advice.


Our son is not so much into tv and there are some days when we dont turn it on at all, and somedays when he will watch maybe an hour of it, but not continuously It's sometimes on and he'll watch it for a few minuets and then go on to other things.


I wonder why you mention water intake: i think this might be an issue.


As for nagging: it's soo hard not to.


Z: thanks! we do spend a lot of time with him, I always come home when he gets back from school, everyweekend we take him out : zoo, church, playdates with other kids. I dont think he lacks attention or praise.

Spending much time with the kids and giving attention is good. However you have to watch it so the kids aren't TOO busy with "scheduled stuff". Not saying yours are but I have seen some that are so booked up with tutoring, sports and playdates that they just become constantly tired and cranky. Also when the kids are playing by themselves, leave them alone to do what they want. Don't hover. They need to develop independence.



"I wonder why you mention water intake: i think this might be an issue."


Our kids, especially one of them, will forget to eat and drink. Sit there at the table and slooooowly slowly eat, but get distracted. If we don't watch it she becomes quite cranky because of it. We praise her profusely when she finishes and it is getting better. She now proudly comes home from school and announces she ate all her food and drank all her water. Ironically the other one seems to be a bottomless pit. She'll just patiently move the fork between plate and mouth until there's nothing left.


"As for nagging: it's soo hard not to."


Word.

This is a time of great and rapid development for your child in the area of language and social and emotional development. He will need a lot of modelling and sometimes role play to show him desired behaviours.


Try and track down good children's books on things such as, emotions, tidying up, eating etc. OR demonstrate with a toy teddy bear. Becuase of his langauge development at this age he will be getting old enough to discuss these behaviours with you. He is learning to label his and other peoples' emotions at this stage - the words boredom, anger, sadness are still foreign to him but he will feel them. It is up to carers to make them explicit to him.


Calling him naughty is not a good idea. What is naughty? ANd good on you for stopping the naughty corner. THat never works except to make him angry at you and the world. Like you say he is too clever for that now. Instead, give him a place where he can cool down. Create this space with him. Let it be a place where there are soft pillows, toys to cuddle, a toy hammer to bang when angry, tissues in case he is crying. It doesnt have to be a bad place. Parents can use that place too - demosntrate to him when you are at your wits end with him (we all have mements when we lose it! Head to the cool down place!) Name the place with your son, 'cozy place, chill zone for example'.


Never try to reason with him if he is angry - even adults cant act while angry or overcome with emotion. DIrect him to the 'cool down place' if he loses control. Tell him you can see he is _______ (add the emotion) and that he needs time to cool down. When you are calm again we can try and fix the problem."


CHildren of this age do not know what 'sorry' is. It is a mature concept and very difficult for young chidlren to understand. Instead explain what happened, that you are feeling ______ because of what he did. Tell him how he can make you feel better. Perhaps if he says sorry it will make you feel better - tell him this. OR maybe he can rub where he ran over your toe with the bike. The other thing with the word sorry is to use it yourself. That is the best way for them to learn how to say sorry.


With eating, he is also learning his cues for hunger. If he wont eat ask him if he is not feeling hungry any more, is he full? IF he is full and didnt eat much - just set aside his food in case he is hungry later. Dont get mad because he didnt finish it all then. He will eventually learn to finish his fill when it is 'dinner time'. Try altering what you offer him. Perhaps he genuinely doesnt like the taste or how it makes him feel when he eats it. Let him help you (or the maid) prepare the food in some way. Let him chop the beans with a plastic knife. THis can be done ahead of time and at the dining table. (In other words he wont get in the way).


Good luck!

"sorry, but i do not tolerate ANY hitting, biting, pushing, pinching, pulling hair etc.


we have now instituted an IMMEDIATE taking away of the most prized toy the child has."


Totally agree. While it is often good to discourage bad behavior by not reacting to it, some things should NEVER be tolerated. Never never never.


If you want a kid to stop doing things like throwing rocks, tell him it is wrong, then show him an alternative activity. Do not ignore it!

just for my two cents worth...:)


i have a 4 and 2 year old. have been thru a big learning curve (and of course still learning!). the best thing i did was to do a parenting course. there are many around. even though so much advice seems logical, it is often very hard to do on your own. the teacher's support, and also the other parents who are all in the same boat is fabulous!


the best thing i learned was that there you must instil in your kid that there is always a consequence for good/bad behaviour. this must always be followed through. and the behaviour is the kid's responsibility - it is in their court, in their control. (ie if you start screaming at them, you become their problem!).


also, ask yourself what type of kid you want them to become in the future, and what you need to do now to get there.


i've also realised that hk lifestyle spoilt my kids and myself a lot! yes you have more quality time with your kids than you would in your home countries. but are you still teaching them life skills? ie responsibility? making them do jobs/errands/shopping/cooking is all a learning experience. plus younger kids love helping out, and when they do, you can give so much positive reinforcement!

Agreed about watching out for "HK spoiled kids". I see far too many who yell at helpers and are waited on constantly. I see 5-6 year olds who are fed by a helper when out in restaurants. What message does that send to the child?


Our kids are still only 3 and 4 but they do help set and clear the table, get their own stuff from the fridge and help out with cooking and baking. They also pick out clothes, dress themselves (as much as they can) and help out a bit with cleaning and making beds. They are not contributing that much yet due to young age but we find it important they understand they must contribute. Our helper is there to help, not to be their servant.

gee Cara! It sounds like you have your work cut out for you keeping on the kids tails to count their doings wrongs and doings goods. I have got to hand it to you though, if you can keep that up then you are a real champ mum!

I am having real issues with my 3yo son and husband....


I feel my son's behaviour is getting worse and worse (throwing things, kicking & hitting, crying very loudly etc) whenever he doesn't get ANYTHING his way. My husband doesn't help by giving in with treats (chocolates, even first thing in the morning!), presents EVERYTIME we go out somewhere... He would bring our son to get into bed with us from when he was 6 months (much to my disapproval) with the result that he will go to bed in his own room, but ends up in our bed (or one of us in his big bed) by morning. I find it impossible to do any sleep disciplining as we just start arguing in the middle of the night (no, don't bring him to bed, no we have to I can't stand him crying...). When he behaves badly, my husband compares me to other people - why can't you handle him? You have so much help?


Like cara, I am the "bad" cop, constantly asking him to pick up stuff and sending him to his corner etc.


To add to the stress, my husband is so unworried about our son's education. I have been stressing about kindergarten & school admissions, doing all the research, and then when we have school tours to attend, he's not at all interested to come along! I have to make a big fuss and refuse to go if he doesn't go as well! Till now he has NEVER gone to any of my son's playgroups or even gone INTO the classes!! Not even to Socatots?! Can you believe it? It's not right! Why am I making these types of decisions?


I so want another child as I don't want my son to be an only child, but I don't think I or my marriage could take this kind of stress for another child. It is such a pity, this has become worse in the last 6 months... like goddess kali (first post) my son was such an angel that the 2's were pretty good.


Sorry for the rant, I just needed very badly to vent.