How involved should we be?

I have a 5 year old. Last week I bought her a book so she could stick her mandarin stickers on it.


Yesterday, she came home to tell me that her friend Z said it was hers and the teacher believed her.


So I sms'ed Z on behalf of my daughter to ask if she could kindly return and I will buy Z another one. Z's mother said her daughter didn't have it and Z said it was one of the other friends, naming two other boys in the class.


I said not to worry and sorry for troubling her.


I gave my daughter a piece of note to give to the teacher involved. I said I had bought the book for my daughter and said, "Please believe her next time".


Her teacher called to explain the incident saying that both girls were crying over the book so she took it and gave it to their class teacher for handling.


I thanked the teacher and said I was happy to let them handle. I sms'ed Z's mother again to tell her what the teacher said and was happy to let them handle. I said sorry for troubling her and that we can just let it be because they are good friends and it's only a small book.


Now here's the thing. My daughter was upset when she got home because she loved her book and because she felt the teacher didn't take her side. This was the only reason for my involvement.


However, should I have just let it be?

If possible in future I would ask the teacher in person before SMSing or calling because things get distorted in translation and emotion. I would also do this because I was on the receiving end of a teacher taking others sides when I was a kid. I remember being at junior school and a new girl started. She lived in my street so we would walk to/ from school together and hang out. My "best" friend didn't take it too kindly and started telling her mum that I hit her, said bad things about her etc. etc. I did no such thing and was a real quite, passive kid when younger (not now though!!) I was put in the corner, was told off, had my mum contacted and blamed/ punched by the teacher and headmaster. I did nothing and no one believed me. Years later my friend had a boyfriend and one night we went back to his friends house. Low and behold his dad was the headmaster and I was then about 20. I told him off for treating me that way!!

sorry, punished, not punched by the teacher!

Me too, hehe!


Thank you both for your input though.


First of all, I agree with Cara that I should refrain from bringing things to school. The idea of the book was so she could stick her mandarin stickers there immediately after receiving from her teacher but there's always a risk that somebody would take it.


Secondly, I agree with you, Angsana that maybe I could try to find out more from school before asking Z if she could return. Because like you said, kids are kids and sometimes what they "think" or "understand" may not reflect what was truly happening.


Z's mother returned my SMS and said not to worry that they are still good friends.


I guess, like all mothers, I do worry about my child being bullied. I was more worried about the teacher not believing my daughter and taking sides (so I thought), more than anything. The book was only a small matter.


I also wonder if my reaction was because I remember being bullied as a child and it felt so lonely when no one stood up for me. Each time something like this happens, I think about whether or not I should step in or let her fight her own battle. I always get stuck not knowing what to do. What joy being a mother is! ;-)

When you ask the teacher what happened, you want to make sure that you aren't sending the message to your kid that you don't believe her or are taking sides. For example, after Pumpkin relates the story to you, you can say something like "Oh dear! Shall I call Teacher and get to the bottom of this?" This has the added advantage of helping you suss out when there is more to the story, as Pumpkin is likely to decline in the event like you describe.


And something to remember when asking the teacher -- make your phrasing as neutral as possible. For example "I understand that there was an incident involving my Pumpkin and a sticker book at school today?" My mother is an elementary teacher, and sometimes after a long day a parent calling up to say "why didn't you believe my Pumpkin?!?!?!" makes her head explode.

It would definitely help the teacher if your child's name and your name are in the book/property.