Living in a small apartment with my husband, mother in law, father in law and son. My husband is Chinese and so it's tradition for his mother to help out and care for my son.......I've about had enough!
I love the woman, she does everything and anything I ask of her but....as grandparents are supposed to do, she spoils my son and he is turning into a little monster. I do as much as I can when I'm around but he's so young 2 1/2 that I want to take more control if not all on raising him. He is in school (the school I teach at) and my husband is working nights and gets home early mornings.
The last time I asked by mother in law to move out she was fine with it (a bit upset though I think) but soon after she left, my son also started school and got anomia (sp?) and so I called her to come back asap- feeling horrible because I had to work and there wasn't much else I could do.
I currently work mon - fri. and sundays. my hubby could probably look after my son on sundays but I'm just worried if he ever gets sick, is there such a thing as an on call nurse or nanny? I'm also very nervous about the nanny's.
Any advice would help me out so much!
thank you!
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I have a 3 month old daughter and I too am worried about how my mother-in-law is going to teach/discipline her when she gets older. The older chinese generation have a very different parenting style. I know it's hard...but have you talked to grandma about how you'd like to raise your son? and have her be consistent with what you are doing?
I don't think this is easy at all, but if she would listen it's better than getting a helper. I will need to confront this thorny issue soon as well.
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To answer the question directly: My wife, myself, our helper. However we do try hard to ensure that we are all consistent.
In our family my wife works while I only work part time and not much. Our helper shoulders a big part of parenting. We are very happy with this because our helper is such a fantastic and warm caregiver. She is aware of our parenting style and adapts to it. For example we would never accept her spoiling the kids. In fact, we want the kids to respect her like they (should) respect us, which means she has to discipline them and be tough with them on occasion. It works very well. She is a very happy and warm presence in their lives, and in ours.
I love my mother and my mother-in-law, but quite frankly I would much rather have a helper or nanny than one of them. A helper or nanny is an employee. She has to follow our rules. If we are not happy with something, we can point this out without it turning into a family argument. Of course a good helper uses her initiative and doesn't just wait for instructions. Our helper has so much experience and is such a knowledgeable person that we will often ask her for advice. She has, after all, brought up many children while we have only had the two. ;)
In other words, I don't really understand your nervousness about nannies and helpers. Here you have a person whose job it is to parent according to your preference. Basically, with the right person, you can get the warmth and love of a grandparent without the "style" issues. Just ensure that she is a warm person with initiative who works hard. Also do her the favor of trusting her and not micromanaging.
"I'm just worried if he ever gets sick, is there such a thing as an on call nurse or nanny?"
Most family doctors have on-call numbers.
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From experience, you can forget about expecting grandparents to change their ways. It's like a new World War everytime my wife and her parents get together (they're in Vancouver) when it comes to our kids. Oldest one gets so spoiled it takes us a while to get him back the way we want him to behave after returning to HK. And my mom always talking "don't do this or that cause you'll spoil them" and each time she takes care of our baby she does the exact opposite. Sigh!
One option is letting your child go to school all day! My wife taught before and she had a 2 year old girl go to school all day. Exhausting for the child but takes the problem of grandparent, nanny/maid out of the equation.
It's rolling the dice when it comes to domestic helpers as you really don't know until they start. axptguy38 seems to have it great with his helper but I definitely know of other situations that don't work out quite as good.
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We do have it great but I also know people who are unhappy. As you say slimboyinhk you can't quite know for sure until the helper starts.
Then again proper planning, a clear schedule for the kids, clear guidelines (not instructions, a subtle difference) and a clear explanation of parenting philosophy will ensure that most helpers who have a modicum of initiative will get it.
Be clear. Allow initiative. Give constructive feedback. Listen to your helper and ensure she listens to you. Be positive and patient. Expect steady improvement from the helper.
I have observed that many people who are unhappy with the situation have not applied proper management principles. For example there is often a total lack of ACTUAL communication between helper and employer. A LOT depends on the employer.
As said above we'd much rather have a helper than have to work around the problem.
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Hi Jessie,
Your mother in law doesn't sound too bad. You said she does everything and anything you ask her to do, and she even moved out when you asked her too. I've heard of other MIL's who are monsters but she doesn't sound too bad!
I'm lucky to have my mother here to help me out and I'm glad I can rely on her, so I don't have to rely on a stranger (ie. helper). Of course, most expats are not so lucky and they do manage to find helpers they trust.
I have nothing against helpers... but I just want to provide another perspective to everyone else here.
If your mother in law really is as flexible as you say, perhaps you can sit her down and explain to her that you love having her help out, but your parenting styles must match - AND that means she must follow your style!
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axptguy38 - where can we get good helpers like yours?
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Well, we are fortunate, but it is not all about the person. A lot has to do with managing the helper to ensure she is the best that she can be. Even if the employee herself is perhaps not the best of the best (whatever that is) to start with good management can potentially make her excellent.
- Finding candidates. Not so hard in HK. Agencies such as AsiaXpat and recommendations.
- Good interview technique. Trying to really figure out as much as one can about the person during the interview.
- Prioritizing traits like initiative and warm personality over pure experience and on-paper skills.
- Allowing and encouraging initiatiative on the part of the employee.
- Trusting the employee to work hard, and expecting steady improvement.
- Giving constructive feedback.
- Rewarding good performance in the form of salary and perks.
- A pinch of luck.
There's a book on the subject that recently came out on the subject: http://www.havenbooksonline.com/books/catalogue/hiring-and-managing-domestic-help
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thank you all for your advice.
And I do love my mother in law but the Chinese (most) have a tendency to lie....to help us - so they think. My mother in law has lied to me as she doesn't want me to worry about my son. Once she gave in medicine behind my back after I told her not too....sneaky me I checked out the level of the medicine and realized it was lower and asked her about it. Sure enough! I try to tell her not to lie to me and she can talk to me if she really thinks I'm wrong about something. - that's what happens, only when my son is sick is when we argue. :(
We take my son to the local hospitals and I can't understand them and so we end up arguing. Does anyone know of a foreign place here in Shanghai that doesn't cost too much! I mean we don't have insurance. ...
Hmmm,
thank you again.
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Z
16 yrs ago
Hey jessiehamsandwich - Have you thought about just hiring a translator when you go in for the checkups? I had my daughter at the local maternity hospital in shanghai [hongfangzi] - we didn't have insurance at that time either, and even though my Chinese was okay and I had spent half of my pregnancy studying childbirth vocabulary, I still had my Chinese teacher with me just in case of emergency.
One thing to know about Chinese hospitals [sorry, I don't know which one in Shanghai - we moved here as soon as the baby could travel] - there's a financial incentive for doctors when they prescribe meds, so be wary of overprescription - it's not at all unusual to get to the pharmacy and be given twice as much of something as you actually need.
Re: dosing medicine -- some of the kids' meds can actually be pretty dangerous if overdosed -- we have a rule in our house that only one person gives the meds per illness. Not meaning to increase the arguments in your family, but it's an idea to share with your MIL...
Good luck!
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Yes, there are plenty of people you can pay to help with trasnlating - cheap. Even a colleague at your work? For free?
I live iwth my MIL and it can be tedious. I know she is not wanting to rock the boat though so she lets me have final say over my 4 month old. It is usually harmless...but I will be taking note in the future when discipline etc comes in to play. I would love to know what to do when this happens. Stay in touch and we can think of ideas and tips and what does/doesnt work.
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With my own mum, I usually try and explain things so that she understands the reasoning behind why I want to do something a certain way. Of course, it can be difficult, though, as sometimes she just doesn't understand what I'm trying to get across.
Quite often, Chinese moms follow tradition... so maybe you can try the argument of... "new research shows"... or "the doctor recommends"... and explain about new discipline techniques etc etc. Of course, it all depends how flexible your MIL is!
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Anant
16 yrs ago
Hi
IN our place - my wife and I. We do have a helper and our son is fond of his grandparents as they are of him. But we have made it clear to all concerned from Day 1 in so many words that there is a certain way we bring up our kid. Our parents have a greater adherence to religious practices, but we don't. So accordingly we don't force our children to follow those. If they choose to later in life, their call. Equally our parents have been told not to ask the kids to follow their practices. Our helper has clear rules that there are certain habits and rituals that are parental territory. Waking up our younger son in the morning, putting him to bed, being with him through a shower reading to him etc. We believe we as parents need to establish clear activities that kids grow up to associate with us. So the first smile, kiss and sound in the morning has to be one of the parents'. The last smile and kiss at night...ditto. And as often as possible, we eat together. At least 5 to 6 dinners a week. And we play together at least twice a week. And a drop-off or pick-up from school at least twice a week. This rule also applies to grandparents. Exceptions are allowed only when one of us authorizes it. Since we were unequivocal about this from the beginning, there is satisfaction. My advice is keep some things with your child your own. No-one else trespasses unless you give permission to do so. That way you retain control of how you want yoru child brought up - and your child has clear associations about certain things with you as parent. Gives them enormous comfort.
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earp
16 yrs ago
Under no circumstances should in-laws live in. It is unhealthy for the relationship between spouse/spouse and spouse/in-law. Conversely, I love my parents but would not have them live with me because of the strain it would put on my relationship with my wife. Not only that, parents have a way of stressing out their own kids.
I know that this comment will bring criticism from Chinese people saying that I am heartless and that in-laws shouldn't live in old age homes, etc, etc,. I think that these people must ask themselves the question that if they trust their parents or in-laws to take care of their children, can't they take care of themselves? I know for a fact that my parents would feel uncomfortable moving in with me. It is a matter of pride. They have their health and are able to take care of themselves and thus would see moving in with me a step backwards. Parents must realise that you have children because you want them for the joy that they bring, not so you will have someone to take care of you when you are old. Let grandparents play a big role in your child's life but don't go so far as to let them move in. Simple.
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earp: you cannot ignore cultural differences! And yes, HUGE cultural difference between Western & Chinese (and other Asian cultures). It is customary and expected that the son(s) take care of the parents when they get old. Putting them in a care home does not fit that definition. There's no easy answer to jessie's situation. Pick battles you really want to fight, turn a blind eye to the ones you can't win, compromise on everything else.
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As the parents of our son, I would consider my husband and I to be the ones who raise him. Sorry to be blunt but I personally don't believe this role can or should be delegated to anyone else. We do have a helper and she looks after him for the two days that I work (P/T) during the week. But at all other times, when I or my hsuband are home (incl all nights and weekends) , we are the ones to take care of him. I think of my helper as being "daycare plus" in the sense that she is only there as "back-up" for when we are physically not able to be present.
While I quit my F/T job after having him, I am not advocating this for everyone. I fully understand some households have two working parents in which case the helper - or family mbrs such as grandmothers - will have to take on a bigger role.
I honestly believe that anytime you as the parent are actually at home, you need to step and take back the responsiblity of parenting. Yes, it's tiring, yes you've had a long day's work but that's no excuse. Parenting is not "overtime" - it's not something you can choose to do only when you have the time or energy.)
It makes me sad when I see moms choose to cede this role of "raising a child" to their own moms or MILs - and somehow the fact that they are "family" seems to make it okay. I honestly think that it's not fair to either the grandmoms or to the child him/herself. Honestly, haven't these grandmoms have already done their bit (raising you or yr husband)? They shouldn't need to "parent" their grandchild. Babysit, sure - but not take on the primary care-giver role.
And yes, I agree with axptguy, I too would rather have a helper do the childcare than a family mbr - for the same reason that it keeps things in your court and you get more say in the childcare with this person.
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I fully agree that while it is tiring, you have to actually be a parent. Otherwise what is the point?
A helper is a "helper", not a replacement.
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