Hi Everyone,
I posted this thread on the Marriage/Relationship forum.
http://hongkong.asiaxpat.com/forums/marriage-relationships/threads/134139/married-men-have-u-strayed-before-then-stayed-faithful-to-your-wife?/
In summary:
Marraige times with husband/Relationship with husband is good apart from this issue.
I have not got kids with him yet. But I know I want kids.
I don't know if I should stay or go?
Does anyone have experience of a husband who you know in your heart has/is having repeated affairs?
What am I going to put up with?
Has anyone's husband stopped after one affair?
Should I just leave an otherwise enjoyable husband. Finance is not an issue. We still have shared goals in common. He is a very nice person and I believe I am too.
Hence why we never have had a hateful relationship even though it has cooled at times because of this.
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Everyone is different. If you want to work it out with your husband, get professional counselling. He may cheat on you again; he may not. Strangers on a blog do not know your husband. You do. I'm sure you know the right answers to the questions yourself.
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chickenwings,
If your husband is a serial cheater, then you have to ask yourself if you can turn a blind eye to it/think of it as nothing and continue to have a loving relationship with him then decide if you will stay or go.
On the other hand, if it was a one time thing, communication is the key. You said "Marraige times with husband/Relationship with husband is good apart from this issue." probably for you this is true, but for your husband, it obviously wasn't good or he wouldn't have had the need to have someone else to get intimate with and I don't just mean sexually. You both need to talk about what went wrong, what was missing, what the root of all this was, and discuss what you both can/need to do about it.
Obviously your husband loves you, does not want to end this marriage and wants to work things out.
Hope things work out for you.
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ah yeah, maymay...your approach would certainly solve things...
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Thank you MayMay for your concern. Yes, I certainly can see where you are coming from. Serial cheaters should not be tolerated as they are a very destructive force. And selfish. They should cut loose the person they are hurting so much.
My self esteem has not been damaged by my husband. Just struggling from the shock discovery and reality issues of baby/limited time. In fact, my husband has treated me with much kindness and patience and generosity of heart through out the time I have known him. And much more resprectfully than many other relationships/marriages I can see a round me.
Which meant that this situation pained me even more so.
But I think in marriage, everyone is entitled to make mistakes. As we are only human and it is a struggle sometimes. Yes, some people deal with problems/differences in a marriage better than others.
But if I can understand where it came from and truly feel assured that this 'once off' from 5-6yrs of marriage was not for cheap thrills, then I can find it in me to forgive him.
It is true, I need to look in the mirror as well about my attitude to him sometimes was not helpful. But acknowledge to him and myself that i did not then take the difficult situations and have an affair. And he knows this was completely out of line and unacceptable.
Please see the marriage / relationshio advice forum for my resolution on the situation.
Thank you to Mike and the others for all your input. It indeed did help.
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Tune
16 yrs ago
"Hey Mike204, get real! If a man is a cheater, he is always a cheater." How very Christian of you.
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Tune
16 yrs ago
"Hey Mike204, get real! If a man is a cheater, he is always a cheater." How very Christian of you.
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If you both want this marriage to work, then you need to get some help, counseling/mediator. We all have the capacity to forgive, it's wether you both want to make it work. Some hard work ahead for both you. Both of you have to accept that something was wrong within the relationship for this to have happened. Try not to blame each other, we are all human and make mistakes. This can be rectified. IF you want it to happen. Turning a bind eye to infidelity it's not as easy as it sounds. Its soul destroying and diminishes you. Do the best you can, and see how it all goes.
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One thing no one mentioned... Take a look at yourself and be truthful as to why he may have looked elsewhere for passion etc. Did he cheat with a true low life person, or did he cheat with someone that had something to offer that you do not, or do not want to offer anymore. (where once you possibly did)
I know it sounds direct and rude, but you need to look at both sides of the situation. Yes there are serial cheaters out there, but if this was a one time slip up, ask yourself honestly if the guy is just an idiot, really just made a mistake, or was driven to the event by something you did (or are doing).
Only then will you be able to figure out which way to go.
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i think that quite a few women turn a blind eye to men cheating. I also think that there are quite a few women and men who have hammered out the terms of an open relationship where both are free to have sex outside the marriage under certain circumstances (use protection, don't get emotionally involved etc). None of these are wrong or right per se, it is just what you are happy with. But in the end, you need to have enough self esteem not to "settle" for something that is going to make you unhappy for the rest of your life.
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WWcC
16 yrs ago
'Does anyone have experience of a husband who you know in your heart has/is having repeated affairs? '
You call this a mistake - you said it yourself 'repeated affairs'. Get rid of him. A man/woman who cheats has no respect for themselves or none for the other person. If you really loved someone, you wouldn't do this. Even if it was a one night stand and he didnt want you to find out, he would make a way of doing it without you finding out. You found out, he had his 'repeated affairs' rather negligently hence he has no respect for you.
I gather that you are in love with him and desperately want to have children and you are weighting up the pros and cons about leaving or staying, bearing in mind the time factor. I suggest you leave him very quickly, meet someone nice and respectful and have children, rather than staying with this selfish disrespectful person and losing your chance of 'time' having a baby, looking back and regretting it.
'Should I just leave an otherwise enjoyable husband.' Do you mean enjoyable husband's money? I see this so often that women use any excuse to make hubby sound so lovely when in fact its really his money that is making them happy.
Think hard about it. It obviously bothers you BIG TIME otherwise you would not write here. Dont waste time, having a baby is a wonderful experience, not to be missed if you want children, and having them with someone you can count on, trust and respects you and baby is even more wonderful. If he is cheating now, guess what he'll be doing when you're pregnant and at home with your baby............??? Sad man!
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In Japan, it's very common to turn a blind eye and they don't even have a good relationship with their husband.
If you can handle it, why not? It may just be a phase and he probably will grow out of it. Let's face it, when you do have a baby, the last thing you will want to do is be intimate for a long time, so let some other poor sucker, I mean lovely lady, take on that job!
Seiously it's hard to serve the interests of everyone-no matter what man you are married to- for quite a while when you first have kids, and if he's willing to bring the butter home to you and his heart is in the right place. It's win-win for you IMHO. So many marriages are incredibly tested. If you are mature about it, I would ride it out. It's ensuring it's safe sex that is the hardest.
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I would say husband having an affiars is not the worst part of a marriage if his heart will still with you. I agree with what matches said, it may just be a phase or mid-life crisis. Do you still love him, give him some hints that you are suspecting. Then take the "out of sight out of mind" approach. Usually no u-turn if being directly confronted. At the end, you are the one to decide if you still be with this guy anymore.
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The problem is......does your husband knew that you knew the affairs? if yes, you are showing him how a doormat you are by pretending not to know the obvious, this give him the power to treat you like dirt...hey if you can take all the crap he flinging your way, why not? He got both worlds. All the thrill of infidelity and loving wife at home!
If you want your relationship to work, confront your husband....sometimes finding out ends the thrill.... then you'll know, should you stay or should you go.
Confrontation will set all free, he'll either come clean and ask your forgiveness and you may start anew (only if he's sincere), only then you consider a baby into the picture, if not, unless you'd like to live a doormat all your life, you're heading on a seperate ways anyway...think about it, would your husband continue to live with you knowing you don't have self respect????
Either you confront him or leave him before he leaves you.
YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR HUSBAND UNLESS HE WANT TO CHANGE HIMSELF.
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