Calling all or any stepmom's

I'm in a relationship with a guy who has 2 kids from a previous marriage. I just wondered if there were any women out there who had advice on being/becoming a step mom? A chance to be honest about the difficult moments etc. and also the good times.


I have been reading a book which says that support from other women who have experienced and are experiencing playing this special and important role is helpful as it can sometimes be completely overwhelming (which, to be honest, I am finding)


I would love to hear from you......

Hi ... I have been a step mom for 15 years, my step son is now 19 yrs old. It has not been an easy road by any stretch of the imagination but that's because of the influence of the ex-wife.

Please feel free to contact me !

Hi there! I send a message (i think!) yesterday... but i'd tried to take if offline.... am not sure if you received it or not just because i'm new to all this! :-) let me know otherwise I'll try again...

I'd have to agree with the above post. It's not an easy road especially when the ex-wife is just not interested to create a friendly atmosphere for the children's sake. I'm a step mother to 3 boys 14,12,9. Currently they are back in Germany with their mother, but when we all lived in the same country (we have just moved back to HK), there certainly were difficult times. I believe most of it is due to the ex-wife just not interested in 'getting along' as much as I tried she constantly ignored me in front of the children etc etc. When the boys stayed with us, it was like I lost my privacy in the house and couldn't be myself. I have a close relationship with the middle son hence he will relocate to HK soon, but the other 2 boys as much as I tried to be friendly and supportive, there were many days I simply "GAVE UP". Feel free to chat if you would like to vent.

I'm in a relationship with a man who has decided (with consensus of ex-wife) not to tell his son of his parents' separation - son (8 years old) stays with mom and "dad" is supposed to be working in Macau during the week and returns Sunday morning - meaning that they have to play loving couple and do family things together - going to the beach, hitting the cinemas, all of that. Mom is very conventional and is not interested in seeing anyone. It does drive me mad.....He thinks a kid needs to grow up in a "normal" family. Just wondering, apart from not being very close to your step children, do the children develop any funny behavioral problems because of the parents' separation?

For me that would be really really difficult and completely unacceptable... there was a period where my other half's children didn't know that they had separated simply because he wanted to find a place and get all their rooms set up etc. so when he said they were separated- he could also show them where he was living and where their lives would be when they were at his. The period of 'happy families' for me was hard... but in your case it's not just that- i think its massively damaging to the child.


Everything that the child believes is real- ie. his parents are still together- is not at all- I believe that could be detrimental to the child in the future in terms of trust and also being able to own his own reality when he has effectively been lied to about something huge.


For me- of course- it's not ideal for a child to grow up in a 'blended family'- no one wants to be in this situation. From where I sit i would much rather have met my partner first! :-) but... life isn't that easy. In the same breath it is what it is and you take the rough with the smooth.


It must be AWFUL for you on those days when they go off and do things together....


No offense, as i'm sure they are both (your partner and his ex) lovely people and just trying to do the best they can under the circumstances, but i think people need to start facing up to the reality here as although it might be difficult initially- when the boy finds out eventually that all this isn't real- he could well feel totally and utterly alone in the world- not knowing who he can trust.


I think kids can develop behavioural problems no matter what. Where a separation is involved, i think it's just easy to be able to hand it on something- you know?... i do think that as long as everyone provides a safe and comfortable environment (in real life)- the child should be fine. These days, sadly, one seems to be in the minority when the parents are together!


I know i've just waffled on here- trying to type thoughts rather than speak them i sometimes find hard as my brain is working faster than my hands!! :-)

Dear B888, thank you very much. I kept thinking that if I were the ex wife, I'd rather tell my children the truth, that dad and mom aren't working out but you'll always have your parents. But every time I raise it, we end up in a bitter fight because he thinks that I'm wicked and that I wanted the "truth" because I hated his kid and I wanted to hurt him emotionally. In fact, what hurts me the most is the "family vacation" which happens at least once or twice a year. The whole family goes off, stays in the same room, meaning that mom and dad sleep in the same bed, chills out by the pool, takes lots of "happy family pictures".


In a couple of weeks they will be going away for the summer....Guess I have to tough it out again.

Dear Beetle Girl,


How long have you been in this situation for? I presume your boyfriend spends the weekdays with you and then goes home on the weekends.


Without knowing anything about your relationship at all, do you think it may be possible that your boyfriend is having his cake and eating it too? Call me cynical, but in my time of living in HK I've heard of several men having two "families" simultaneously.


You refer to his wife as his ex-wife, but are they actually separated at all? Legally she is still his wife. It could be possible that he's a bit of a cad and even his wife thinks he's working in Macau. Like I said, I'm just playing devil's advocate here.


Why would he think you're being wicked and want to hurt him emotionally merely because you're trying to sort out an intolerable situation?


You're a much better person than me, because I certainly wouldn't tolerate this situation. When do you and he go for holidays?


I'm really sorry to hear about you having to tough it out again. Being in a relationship, whilst having its up and downs, should not be about having to tough it out. As hard as it may be, you have to put yourself first and if you're not getting your needs met, it may be time to move on.

Beetle Girl,


I have to agree with Shoe Girl. Although we do not know the full story, it sounds mighty suspicious that your man is spending Sundays and holidays with his "family". I wonder if his "ex-wife" knows he is dating someone else ? Just reading between the lines, my instinct is that he is having his cake and eating it too.

Dear Beetle-Girl,


Sadly, I agree with the above 2 posts.......


It definitely seems like your man is doing as he pleases and not really caring about the effect this has on anyone else. Echoing what the other two have said- does his "wife" know about you? do you guys manage to get time away together?


is 'toughing' something out really all you think you're worth? i mean, sure, there are compromises to be made in every relationship- but this is one compromise that is way out of line in my book. Going on holidays, sharing beds, "pretending" to be together? it's all a bit suspicious....


I don't think that this means he loves you any less necessarily- i just think that he loves himself more! he is a guy who is totally confused, probably loves both of you in different ways- but sadly for him- the world just doesn't work that way... unless both parties (in this case you and the 'wife' know about it and agree to it all)...


He's making up his own rules here and you are worth more than that. I think what ever anyone on here says you're the only one who really knows if this situation is the right one for you.... For me, i'm afraid it just wouldn't be.