Parent feeling very down.

I am a generally confident, non neurotic, laid back, proud Mum of two very gorgeous daughters whom i love to death however i am at the end of my tether with my youngest who is 8.


She's a demonstrative, loving, free spirtied, confident, independent child who does well at school and seems to be very sociable and loves to be the life and soul of everything. However, she tends to forget things, does what shes asked when she wants to, she's constantly loud, very rarely sleeps through the night and hardly ever sleeps in her own room (always choosing to sneek in with her older sister) and to be honest i've had enough.


Now am i being too harsh (yes i have high expectations of my children but shouldn't i have?)? I have thought about going to see a counsellor and talking my feelings through as when my youngest 'rebels' i get so wound up and feel as though i no longer have love for her. I've also though about taking my youngest to a counsellor too but i am not sure what purpose that would serve. In addition, when she 'acts up' it destroys the whole families mechanics.


I have tried talking to hubby, who attempts to understand, hence my post here.

I am sorry, I cannot understand what your problem is and why you are being let down. Different people have different personalities and I guess she is not what your 'expected' one should be. She is only 8, giver her a break. At this age she is learning about life through interaction with others and just put yourself in her shoes and see how it is for her.

Is she different in school? if she is 'acting up' in school too then maybe you should have a nice chat with her. Instead of expecting her to do things in your way, why don't you find a middle ground. For e.g. if she forgets things why don't you sit down together and devise a way to help her remember. Maybe put a chalk board of 'things to do'? At this age she has so many things to learn and explore apart from keeping up with an elder sister. Maybe all that negative feedback makes her want to rebel.

I don't see whats wrong in her sneaking up to sleep with her sister, it just speaks about how she is close to her sister and finds comfort there. Why does she have to sleep in her own bed? As a mom you need to be more flexible and understanding and let her develop her own personality. Try to find solutions at home . I don't see any issues which should involve a counsellor. Have you thought about how she will feel when she comes to know that she is being taken to a counsellor , when she comes to know that 'you' cannot handle her?

I think your worrying should start when she is into stealing/ lying/ drugs / pregnancy etc.Right now just enjoy her childhood and let her be, she will be soon all grownup and leave the house..

Homegirl, did you ever have a time when your gorgeous girls were really young and growing and learning you adored them both so much you thought your heart would burst....then in the next moment you felt at your wits ends because of...well just because?


Even at 8, that phrase "everything is a phase" I understand still applies.


You are doing just fantastic, she is being everything you have taught her, a beautiful independent confident, intelligent young girl, so firstly congrats to you (and hubby of course)!


Now lets look at it from the other side, imagine if she was still desperate to cling to your apron strings, lacked the confidence and ability to think for herself, how would that be for you?

She is just being 8 doing what 8 year olds do, challenging your boundaries to see how far she can push you.


Remember to choose your fights, what is more important to you? Make a list, ascertain what matters the most to you (and what will lower your blood pressure fastest) and deal with just one issue at a time, praise her for all the good stuff. And praise yourself/lves.


Yes I am sure you do it already but maybe she just needs a little more encouragement and overt love right now, and it is likely she may not be able to articulate why. (I'm not saying it will be easy, but we teach by example.)


When you say your daughter rebels? What does she do?


Does her sleeping in her older sisters room bother the older sister? If not, does it really matter? Yes, yes, I know its probably not ideal but maybe if you give her permission to sleep there in return for her doing something else you may come through the phase a little easier and faster?


If it is an issue for the older sister try suggesting to change ger room around, redecorate or do something that gives her the comfort that maybe she is seeking from her older sister/room.


I had a similar situation with my son (although he was younger) and at the time it got to the point I couldnt stand the sight of him, really I thought we would never come through it (and I felt dreadful), we did of course, as others have and you will too...


I have high expectations of mine also, and that's where hubby's/friends can be great because they can remind us to keep things in perspective.


Personally I say (and its just my opinion) keep those high expectations, they make you who you are and them who they are, but maybe take a few days break and take some pressure off.

It doesnt mean she has won, but you need to recharge and I bet if you ran a poll you would find that her behaviour is normal, challenging but normal.


I am sure she will make a great adult, imagine her independence and ability to think and act for herself, we need people like her in the world.


Take care, I am sure you are being a fantastic mum!

@RA - not very constructive. Thanks!


@Team NZ - thank you for being so supportive and its just nice to hear that i'm not the only one.


You wouldn't believe the amount of times we have redecorated her bedroom, changed it around, etc....and it does bother her sister which is why it's hard to stop it. Initially the 8 year old was allowed to sleep in with sister on the weekend but now it's nearly every night and her older sister needs her sleep and wants her own space.


Having read your reply has 'relaxed' me somewhat and thank you. That was probably all i needed.

Sorry one more point @ RA, negative feedback is never said to her as i know how devasting and confidence blowing that can be. Furthermore i don't see how taking a child to a counsellor can be seen as being unable to 'handle my child', i would see it as a parent wanting to help her child no matter what the outcome and as i have an open relationship with my daughter she would be told why we were going (if we were to go) 'we're going to see someone whom we can both talk to and see if we can get through this phase that sometimes makes us both mad'.

Once again, thanks for the supportive words.

Homegirl, apologies if you found my words 'not very constructive'. When you put in your issues at a public forum you do invite various opinions whether you like it or not. I was merely being blunt and TeamNZ has put it in very sweetly. Pls do not shoot the messenger !

homegirl I completely understand what you're saying. I don't know if others commenting here even have children so take the comments with a grain of salt.


You sense a "problem" with your child and it sounds very legitimate to me. It's enough of a concern that you're asking for others opinion. What I feel you should do is talk to friends who also have children. Ask them if what you're experiencing with your daughter is "normal" compared to their experiences. It's quite possible you are overreacting or you are in a unique situation.


Bad patterns or poor behavior a child develops will only get worse if not corrected. Of course it's also possible that it's something beyond this so get different opinions.


You say she always gets up and sleeps with her sister and although many may see this as no big deal, I know what you're talking about. When our son was old enough to sleep in his own bed and was able to get up and open the door himself, he regularly came into our room 3,4, 5 times a night and I had to put him back to bed each time. Thinking that he was still a baby I just went with it but it became a habit! It not only affects his rest but ours. We finally put our foot down, disciplined him (lots of crying and screaming in the middle of the night) and that fixed the problem. There was nothing wrong with him, he just developed the pattern.


Talk to people you trust and are open to being straight-up with you first. Professional help may not even be needed. Good luck!

homegirl, I believe that every mother at some point or another feel the way you do. The ones that don't either have angelic kids or when the going gets tough, they are able to pass their kids off to someone else like a helper. Kids DO press our buttons and they go through phases where they are just impossible and testing their limits and ours.


To me, there is nothing wrong with seeking counselling if you feel you need this. Sometimes counselling is good because it helps put things in perspective when we talk calmly about what's been happening. Sometimes counsellors are able to provide us with solutions we never thought about. This is no different from parents reading books on how to raise kids.


Mine has been playing up the last few months and I can say that there have been so many times where I get so frustrated that I have to leave the room.

homegirl, reading your post made me think back to when my son was around the same age as your daughter ... we went through the same sort of issues. At times, I was at my wit's end, and often felt like I didn't know which way to turn. Kids love to push us to our limits sometimes, and no matter how much we love them, our feelings can sometimes be not as we think they should be. Rest assured, most kids come out the other end unscathed (and so do we!). My son is now at university and has grown into a lovely young man (or at least I think he is, anyway;-). You sound like a great mum, and I'm sure your daughter will turn out just fine ... just give her time.